Sialia:
“Each of them felt selfish and ashamed for having thought it.“ I loved that, how they all found something positive in their imprisonment and felt ashamed because it cost Tarnby's life. That seemed real, somehow.
I also must congratulate you on your choice of language. You frequently use literary tricks like metaphoras, similies etc. to bring your world to life. Like Zhaneel said, you always know where the characters are at any moment, without having to plow through paragraphs after paragraph of description.
I also liked how you made tarnby a character here by including images of what would have happened with him. That's also a real part of mourning, reminiscing about the lost person and how s/he would affect the situation.
"She was a Solstice Queen to remember." Here you speak the reader's mind. I loved that woman, how she playfully encouraged the girls!
I really like the scene leading up to Mirabelle's attempt at seduction. How Volpe watches over Lillabo's sleep, and then Mirabelle simply rests her head on his shoulder. If not for the scene with Miguel, I would have nothing to say against it
The spellcasting was done great, I thought. I
knew it was Protection from Evil, and yet no such claims were made. That's something a lot of fiction set in a game environment neglects.
"He sang of her faith in a world remade." That touched me, as such a faith must be strong, indeed, and is worthy of song. And even though it's not made for the situation, it fits nonetheless (because naturally, it IS made for the situation, but still
).
"they would be tricky to catch as waterbugs on a still pond. " This is what I was talking about. Cool image!
"Volpe smiled, thinking of the tune Tarnby would have whistled at that, and the smirk that would have flashed through Lillabo’s innocent wide eyes." A Great Ending! Remembering the lost ones while celebrating life. Wonderful!
PirateCat:
"Admittedly, Jim was caught a little off guard when I shot the old lady." Off we go! A great beginning as we are immediately in the mind and place of our heroine. There is nobody who wouldn't read on after that.
Oh, sorry, I just found something I didn't like. I hope that's alright: "blabla confirmed my suspicions." End. There is another instance later on, as well. We read the main character's mind, but now that she got a clue, we as readers don't get to know it, because the revelation will be more interesting later on. I realize this isn't so much a flaw as a personal preference, but I always dislike it when it's done in mystery novels, so I just had to call it out.
"... and the disguise I was wearing that day was fairly fetching." I like that. Why is she wearing a disguise when she's on official duty? Because she always wears a disguise! Cool tidbit about her personality/character.
O.K., I just have to compliment you on your names. "Ghost" Grantham, Desmond Kane, Rasmussen (o.K., not Jim
). These names fit their characters, a very difficult and yet important detail.
I don't have to praise your evocative style, I believe, because you know you've got it
"Don’t you think you’re being a little (...) selfish?" I LOVE that, simply because Isabelle herself is a majorly selfish person (as shown by the fact that she steals stuff at the end of the story, or how she breaks into Rasmussen's office, etc. Quipping in the face of danger, yeah!
I already told you that I liked the backwards change.
"It looked painful. I approved." Precise, and witty. Clearly, our heroine is in control again. Nice.
