You're Joking!

[Eternalknight]

I'm looking for some good jokes to keep myself amused. They will have to be clean, so as not to violate board rules Let me start:

Did you hear about the Indian that died from drinking to much tea?
They found him next morning drowned in his own teepee.

Give me your best!

 

[Rel]

A penguin is driving his Cadillac into a small town on a very hot day when it breaks down. Fortunately there's a mechanic only a block away. The mechanic tells the penguin that it'll be a few minutes before he can take a look at it and that he might want to step across the street to the ice cream shop.

The penguin happily does so and enjoys a jumbo cone of his favorite ice cream: Vanilla. With it being so hot, the ice cream is very refreshing but also rather messy. He then returns back to the mechanic to see what's wrong with his car.

As he steps into the shop the mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin, startled, replies, "Oh no. That's just vanilla ice cream."

 

[reveal]

After joining the Army, because he was previously a used car salesman Billy-Bob's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the G.I. insurance.

Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Billy-Bob was getting a 99% signup for the top G.I. insurance policy. This was odd, since it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for the extra coverage.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Billy-Bob about his selling techniques but would sit in the back of the room and observe his sales pitch.

Billy-Bob stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If'n y'all have normal G.I. insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your Mama or your wife $6,000, right?"

The men murmured in agreement. "Now," he continued, "if'n y'all take out the supplemental G.I. insurance, which cost you only $30.00 a month, the government has to pay your Mama or your wife $200,000. See?"

The men nodded.

"OK," Billy-Bob concluded: "which bunch you think they gonna send to the most dangerous areas in Iraq first?"

 

[reveal]

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar.

The Frenchman orders a glass of wine, the Englishman orders a pint, and the Irishman orders a whiskey.

The Frenchman looks in his glass and sees a fly. He sticks his nose up in disgust and has the bartender replace his drink.

The Englishman sees a fly in his pint. He picks it up, flicks it away, and proceeds to finish his Guinness.

The Irishman sees a fly in his whiskey. He picks it up, lays it on the bar, pushes on its chest, and yells "Spit it out, ya bastard, spit it out!"

 

[reveal]

A man took his wife to the Rodeo, and one of the exhibits was "best breeding bulls".

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "You only mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

Then the wife got even more excited and said, "That's once a day! You could really learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow every time."

Funeral services will be Wednesday.

 

[reveal]

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library.

"Yes, ma'am?" the librarian said.

"I have a complaint! I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"Horrible?"

"Yes. The worst I've ever seen!" the blonde exclaimed.

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Are you the one who took our phone book?"

 

[der_kluge]

A blonde was driving through a wheat field in Indiana when she passed another blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a field. Curious, she stopped, backed up, and yelled out the blonde in the boat what she was doing.

"I heard that there were waves of grain out here."

Furious, the blonde in the car shouted back at her, "You're so stupid! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. Why, if I could swim, I'd come out there to kick your ass!"

 

[Pielorinho]

Hmm...clean jokes preferably don't play off ethnic or gender stereotypes, and don't refer to sex acts. I'd appreciate it if folks could stay away from those.

What's green, has six legs, and can kill you if it falls on you from out of a tree?

Spoiler

A pool table

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler

A stick.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?

Spoiler

A stick

What's a foot long and slippery?

Spoiler

A slipper

What's ET short for?

Spoiler

So he can fit in his little spaceship

Daniel

 

[reveal]

Hmm...clean jokes preferably don't play off ethnic or gender stereotypes, and don't refer to sex acts. I'd appreciate it if folks could stay away from those.

Then what's the point of this thread if we can't post jokes because we may offend a single moderator who has the power to shut it down?

 

[Pielorinho]

Then what's the point of this thread if we can't post jokes because we may offend a single moderator who has the power to shut it down?

reveal, what part of my guidelines in my previous post are either unclear or not a more specific part of the general board guidelines? You may ask for clarification if you are not clear on this, but if you are clear and just object to my advice, please email me or report this post.

There are plenty of clean jokes that are good for the telling on this board.

Daniel