Do you tell pretty girls that they're pretty?

[reveal]

Nice to see the posts from Keryn here too. I hope she'll stick around. ENWorld needs women!

Are you hitting on my wife?

 

[Rel]

IMO it's okay to compliment one's hairstyle or clothing, because it's compimenting their good tastes. However, complimenting a woman on her body is akin to telling her that she is good enough as a sexual object. I see it a sexist comment rather than a compliment. Better to compliment a woman on some of her abilities, meaning that you value her as a person, not as an object fiting with your own sexual criteria.

Here where I live, I'd say this is not largely representative of the way women perceive compliments. But I'd say this sentiment is probably growing.

Fortunately, "pissing off staunch feminists with no sense of humor" falls directly after "telling a girl she looks pretty" on my List Of Things I Love To Do. :\

 

[Rel]

Are you hitting on my wife?

Apparently, you'll know I'm hitting on her when I tell her she has pretty eyes.

 

[Eridanis]

Are you hitting on my wife?

Who wouldn't? Her avatar has pretty eyes!

This is one of those cases that is very situation-dependent. I was much freer with personal compliments, even those meant in a non-flirtatious way, back when I was in college. In an office environment, when you see people every day, a personal compliment is part of a larger tapestry of interactions that build up over time.

In Rel's situation, it was a one-time meeting, and certainly had less of a chance to affect anything down the road. I don't see anything wrong with it, since you were (by your own description) not flirting with her the entire conversaion, and you were genuinely moved to improve her day by giving her a nice compliment. If you had walked in there in a polyester suit and had been making suggestive comments the whole half-hour, it would have been taken in a whole different manner, I'm sure.

What is boils down to is: Gallantry is not dead in the 21st century, but it's on life support, and not everyone knows it when they see it!

 

[fusangite]

IMO it's okay to compliment one's hairstyle or clothing, because it's compimenting their good tastes. However, complimenting a woman on her body is akin to telling her that she is good enough as a sexual object. I see it a sexist comment rather than a compliment.

Well, I guess the trick, then, is to extend to compliment only to women who won't find it sexist. Fortunately, these women are often easy to identify because they have clearly made sartorial decisions that suggest such compliments will likely be welcome.

I have the same compliment protocol as you and Umbran do. But the reason I don't compliment women on their physical features has nothing to do with their feelings; it's all about not making myself uncomfortable.

Of course, culture plays a role too. Different cultures have different expectations about men verbalizing their appreciation of a woman's appearance than others. A Rumanian friend of mine, for instance, got horribly depressed in Vancouver because men never whistled at her on the street. Her mother visited her and remarked on it too. She said to her daughter, "How can you feel like a woman living here?"

Rel is a socially clever guy living in a different culture than you. I trust him to know what is socially appropriate and to judge, on a case by case basis, which women will be appreciative of his comments.

Better to compliment a woman on some of her abilities, meaning that you value her as a person, not as an object fiting with your own sexual criteria.

You are making an error here too. There are beautiful women I don't find sexually attractive and women I find sexually attractive who are not beautiful. To conflate these standards is a real mistake.

 

[Rel]

Rel is a socially clever guy living in a different culture than you. I trust him to know what is socially appropriate and to judge, on a case by case basis, which women will be appreciative of his comments.

Again, I appreciate the compliment and I do think that I'm reasonably good at reading people. But honestly I'm not sure that I had a huge amount of data on which to base the assumption that Jennifer would take my compliment in the manner in which it was intended. I do think that given her job and generally helpful attitude, she was used to interacting with people and being gracious. And her being a southerner helped my odds too.

I'll stop short of flattering myself with the idea that I "made her day" but I'm willing to bet that it gave her at least a brief emotional high to hear the compliment. But if she is the sort of person that gets her panties in a twist because a man dared to notice and (gasp) comment on her being attractive, that's fine with me too. Those are precisely the sort of people who I enjoy irritating.

All the more reason however to make this a parting comment rather than drop it in the middle of the conversation while I still need information from her.

 

[player 2]

Eridanis, are you hitting on other women? It's a good thing that I am not insecure

I enjoy receiving compliments and I know that not all compliments are just flirting. And even if they are flirting with me, I determine how far it will go. (And it will NOT go anywhere because I am happily married) And I would tell my husband about the flirting because we would both get a kick out of it. He would also tell me if a woman was flirting with him, that is the type of relationship we have.

To be honest, Rel's compliment would have made my day - just knowing that someone cared enough about me to pay me a compliment. Not everything that happens between a man and a woman has to have flirting as an undertone. People can be nice for the sake of being nice.

 

[Xath]

I don't think my views are shared by too many women. I've just witnessed too many angry wives complain about their husbands visiting strip clubs to think my views are normal. I don't see a problem with my man enjoying beauty where he sees it as long the only bed he's in is mine. I know that's uncommon, but the point I should stress is that compliments are meant to make people happy. If you compliment a woman, don't worry how she'll take it. We often spend too much time analyzing motives. Just be sincere and she will be flattered...guaranteed.

I fall completely into your boat.

 

[RangerWickett]

*makes mental notes*

Whistle a lot in Romania. Check.

Compliment women, but only if they want it. Check.

Never go to Canada. It'll make you not feel like a woman. Check.

*grin*


If I'm going to flirt with a girl, I'm going to talk to her for five minutes or so, and then compliment her on how fun she is to talk to. I've noticed the physical compliment I give the most is about hair, because I love hair, and it's one of the things that attracts me most. Although in my local social circle, a few people take 'hair' as a code word for 'breasts' due to a weird conversation that happened a few years ago. 'Your hair is so pert and bouncy' is a dangerous compliment to give, but 'I like how you dyed your hair' just confuses them.

If I'm not flirting, I might compliment a woman's smile, or her outfit, occasionally her hair. One time, while very drunk, I was introduced to someone's friend, and my reply was "Nice t**s." The social exiling that happened after that was rather formative in making me watch my effin' mouth when I'm around women.

I'm single, and sadly the last few women I've been interested in aren't available for silly reasons like living in South America. So, since I'm single, I try to make things clear to myself at least, and hopefully to others, by only paying physical compliments to single women if I'm attracted to them. It's not making them a sexual object; rather, it's a social cue that, 'Hey, I'm interested in you.'

I try to only objectify the people I like.

And Teflon Billy has gorgeous hair.

 

[Rel]

And Teflon Billy has gorgeous hair.

Are you saying he has manboobs?