[ENboards Boston Feng Shui Game] Six in the Chamber II: HONG KONG BLOODBATH -UPDATED!

[Silver Moon]

Silver Moon was getting tired of sitting through the trailers.

The previews for the cop buddy picture "Get Out of the Way" starring Tyra Banks and Regis Philbin looked half-decent, and the Rings knock-off "Hobbits in Hell" with Russell Crowe as the devil looked really cool. But the preview for "Rocky XXVI" with Sly Stallone in a nursing home boxing match seemed to go on forever. Equally bad was the trailer for "I'm Paying for this Microphone", the Oliver Stone's biography of Ronald Reagan starring Pauly Shore in the title role. Finally, the preview for "Fleece", Tom Cruise's romantic comedy about sheep shearing, was more than he could take.

Silver Moon attempted to say something to his wife, but she was totally enthralled by the current trailer, and told him to be quiet. He attempted to speak again, and she jabbed him with her knitting needles, and muttered something about Tom having great buns. "Fine, I'm going for popcorn" he announced, and made his way to the aisle. Stepping over a pair of very large, bald and angry looking oriental men wearing trench coats, he made a mental note to return to his seat from the other direction.

He arrived at the concession stand, finding it currently unoccupied. "That's odd," he thought, looking around for another employee. The only theater employees in sight were a pair of security guards, but they were preoccupied with frisking a motorcycle gang comprised of super models.

Noticing that the utility closet in the back was slightly ajar, Silver Moon concluded that the employee must have gone there to retrieve more popcorn. Stepping over a pile on the floor of General Tso action figures, Silver Moon makes his way over to the door, finding the concession stand employee lying dead in the corner, his blood pooling over a pile of the last Junior Mints boxes. "Damn," Silver Moon commented "I really had my heart set on Junior Mints."

 

[Lela]

Horacio turns as he hears the new guy arriving, and seeing Tallarn, he throws him a spare bag of popcorn

The handsome man sitting next to Lela gives the strange French man (with the spanish accent) a withering look and begins to reach towards him.

Just then, the Six in the Chamber music begins and Lela's hand reaches out, landing on the muscular man's shoulder.

"We don't want any blood ruining this dress. Don't hurt him unless you have too.

"Willy!" Lela's whisper is suddenly dreamy. She leans back into the hard seat of her chair. "He's even cuter than before."

The man with the bow tie's jelous look is only matched by the evil glare he gives the French man. Somehow or other, it's all his fault. . .

But, not wanting to anger Lela, he folds his massive arms and rests his head on his chair's soft headrest.

 

[Dr Midnight]

The captain approaches the table, looking pensive.

CAPTAIN
Yau.

CHEN YAU doesn’t flinch, just looks up at him with a kiss-my-ass grin and downs his drink.

CHEN YAU
Captain.

CHEF TSO returns with a strung-out looking man wearing a lab coat. He’s wiry and thin, has unkempt yet striking hair, and buggy eyes. He licks his lips a lot, and his eyes dart around like he’s thinking at an extremely fast rate.

CHEF TSO
(sounding rather sloshed) Hey, I want you all to meet my pal Bazooka. We dr… we get together now and then.

BAZOOKA
Bazooka Tetsuhara, hi, that’s me. Yes.

CUDDLY JACK gives the man a big friendly smile and handshake.

CUDDLY JACK
Well met, Bazooka, how are ya? How d’ya know our pal the Chef?

BAZOOKA
I, well, I met him in the alley behind the restaurant. We traded stories about blowing things up and drank SEVEN WHOLE BOTTLES of some expensive foreign concoction I can’t quite remember the name of, I think it was something like… anyway, he told me about your adventures last year and everything he’s detonated since, and I told him the amusing tale about the time I ACCIDENTALLY spilled the bottle of ammonium sulfate into the dish of… uh… I don’t remember, but it was green. Anyway, that’s how I blew up THAT laboratory. After that…

CUDDLY JACK
(leaning over to Willy) Crikey, the jaw on this one, eh?

WILLY
I want to go home.

CUDDLY JACK
Shush Willy, Bazooka’s talkin’.

BAZOOKA
…So that’s how I managed to destroy most of the labs in Hong Kong.

CHAI TONG
Why did Chef Tso meet you in an alley behind this trough of swill?

BAZOOKA
Because that’s where I live. See, I managed to destroy most of the labs in Hong Kong.

CHAI TONG
Oh.

CAPTAIN
(Clears throat) Um, hello… I’m still standing here. I wanted to talk to you.

CHEF TSO
(Hiccups) Well, there’s Yau. Take him and talk. Go ahead.

CAPTAIN
I, uh… I wanted to talk to all of you.

CHEN YAU
Gee, for a second there, I was almost touched, Captain.

CAPTAIN
You shut that smart mouth of yours, Chen, or I’ll demote you to… OH, WAIT, I already did that. You know what I’ll do though? (yells) I’ll promote you back to beat cop, then demote you BACK DOWN to traffic cop.

CHEN YAU
I miss these little talks.

Ling Ling wanders over.

LING LING
Who are you? Are you making my fiancé drink? He needs to keep his head clear, so we can keep making hot dog money.

CAPTAIN
No, ma’am. See, I’m here to talk to you all about…

GRANDMA LING
I think this is enough lollying, William. Get up and go about your duties.

CAPTAIN
If you could just give me a moment, I’d like to…

GRANDMA LING
William doesn’t have a moment. He’s busy owning horrible restaurants with gaudy decorating.

CAPTAIN
No, but…

GRANDMA
(turns to Chef Tso) How are you going to support my daughter selling these hot wiener dogs?

CAPTAIN
(explodes at Granny) HEY!! I’m STILL standing right here, I STILL have something to say, and if you interrupt me again, I’ll bust YOU down to traffic cop, DAMMIT!! How would you like that? ‘Welcome to the force, little old rude woman! Guess what, you’ve been demoted already!’ Furthermore...

GRANDMA hobbles over to the CAPTAIN and looks up, smiling pleasantly, into his face. She slaps it.

GRANDMA
Language.

CHEN YAU
Enough. What’s this about, Captain?

The CAPTAIN rubs his face, clearly shocked. GRANDMA hobbles back to her seat.

CAPTAIN
(pulls out a videotape) Yes. Ahem. Do you have a TV and VCR in the building? I’d like to show you something.

In a few moments, CHEF TSO has rounded up a TV and VCR. They’re in the back room, away from the customers. The CAPTAIN puts the tape in.

CAPTAIN
What I’m about to show you is eyes only, understood? I don’t want you discussing this with anyone.

BAZOOKA
Uh… Sir? If this is so important, then why are you showing it to all of us? Isn’t police business off limits to civilians?

CAPTAIN
(Eyes Bazooka) I don’t know who you are, but if you’re friends of Tso, you’re perhaps just the kind of man I’m looking for… and to answer your question, this isn’t police business. This is business the police can’t handle.

CHEN YAU
What??

CAPTAIN
Shut up and watch the tape, Yau.

He hits PLAY. We see grainy black and white footage of the outside of a building.

BAZOOKA
Hey, I know that place… That’s IniDyne.

CAPTAIN
That’s right. This is the surveillance footage edited together during a robbery two nights ago. For those that don’t know, IniDyne is one of China’s top tech and bio buildings.

BAZOOKA
There was a robbery? What was stolen?

CAPTAIN
Just watch…

The CAMERA is aimed downward at the front of the building. Two black SUVs pull up and park right outside of the entrance. The cars’ doors open. Five mooks get out, followed by a man wearing a duster jacket and cowboy hat, a small woman in a black businesswoman’s outfit, a man wearing a colorful old Chinese robe, and a bald man in a Nike jogging suit. They enter the building. The CAMERA cuts to the inside and we see that the lobby is lined with security guards on all sides… roughly ten of them. The man in the duster and cowboy hat stands at the center of the lobby while the jogging suit man asks a question of the front desk clerk.

The man responds, and the mooks pull out guns and order everyone to freeze, while the others walk to the elevator, leaving the cowboy and mooks here. The group goes upstairs and walks to the end of a long corridor. They test the door- it’s locked. The robed man and jogging suit man step aside. The small woman puts one hand on the door and slowly straightens her arm. The door bows forward and crunches inward until it’s concave. It then falls off the hinges to the floor, looking like a large steel Frito.

CUDDLY JACK
Holy… Strong one, isn’t she?

The others walk inside, and the woman takes off a thin latex mask to reveal that her face is painted to resemble a Japanese demon’s. She turns and looks behind her, giving a frightening glace towards the camera.

CAPTAIN
(pauses the image) This woman is known as Iron Violet. She’s Yakuza. Has a degenerative cell disease called Eleosynfria Riaginecitous, more commonly known as Atlas Syndrome. Her cells are replenishing themselves faster than they die off, and as a result they’re cramming into an incredibly tight space. Her body is ultra-dense. She’s in incredible pain, constantly, and is expected to die within the year… But until then, she’s got the strength of a dozen men, bones as hard as iron, three hundred pounds packed into a ninety-seven pound frame… and a mean streak.

He unpauses the image. Downstairs, one of the mooks hears the police report coming in over his lapel police band radio. There’s been a SWAT team ordered to IniDyne. He screams at the desk clerk, who’s apparently pressed the silent alarm button. He shoots the clerk and the lobby explodes in gunfire as the security guards pull their weapons. In the midst of it all is seen the cowboy, who whips his coat aside and (in slow motion) whips out two gleaming 9mms. He begins to blast. The mooks are soon all dead, and the security guards are all down. The lobby is strewn with debris. The cowboy hasn’t taken a hit.

CAPTAIN
(pauses the tape again on the cowboy) This is the Marshall. He’s one of the best open combat gun men that any of the crime organizations on this side of the world have. He’s got an affectation for westerns, as you can see… Doesn’t go anywhere without his Stetson, boots, jacket, and authentic 1876 gun belt. The guns, though, are pure HK gangster… Twin silver-plated Ruger k89s, and as you see, he can play them like an opera.

He unpauses the tape again. The MARSHALL’s guns are empty. He stands there and puts one gun back in his belt, and releases the empty clip on the one still in his hand. He pulls out a full clip and is about to load the gun when he hears a voice behind him yelling to freeze. A single security guard has somehow survived the attacks, and now has his gun trained on the Marshall, who holds his hands up and hears the SWAT team pull up outside… dozens of armored cops are just about to invade the building. He drops the clip but not the gun, and turns slowly.

CHEF TSO
Ooh, he’s screwed.

GRANDMA
(smacks Tso) Language, William.

CAPTAIN
Looks bad, right? However- if he didn’t live through this, I wouldn’t be standing here telling you about him, right? He’d just be another corpse.

CHEN YAU
But… how can he survive? The SWAT team is RIGHT OUTSIDE the door.

LING LING
Could he have a bullet left in the clip?

CAPTAIN
Nope… look at the gun. The slide’s in the back position… that gun is empty.

CHEN YAU
So… how… how can…?

CAPTAIN
Watch this…

 

[Lela]

CHEN YAU
So… how… how can…?

CAPTAIN
Watch this…

Lela leans forward, knowing that something with this much lead in must be good. . .

Her mouth falls open in shock! How the heck did he do that?

 

[Dr Midnight]

The Marshall waits. We see the cops running past the black SUVs and towards the big glass doors. The Marshall presses a button on his gun with his thumb, and a tiny light blinks on its side. He casually clicks another switch on the gun, and the cars outside explode, killing the rushing cops and showering glass inside the lobby. The security guard shrieks and flinches from the shock as sound and glass wash over him. The Marshall stomps on the end of the piece of wood he’s dropped the full clip onto, and the wood acts as a lever. The clip rockets upward, rotating end over end. The Marshall grins as he brings the gun down in slow motion, and the clip slaps perfectly into the gun’s grip. The slide clicks back into place and he fires one shot into the guard’s forehead. He smiles and walks to the stairs, pulling the ring on a tear gas grenade. The lobby doors are now blocked with bodies and automobile wreckage. The Marshall tosses the grenade into the lobby. He tips his hat at the CAMERA as the elevator doors close on either side of his smug smile.

CHEN YAU
No way.

Upstairs, the group is hoisting a piece of equipment, which is the size of a car engine, into a huge suitcase, which Iron Violet then holds with one arm. They’re joined by the Marshall and all run up to the roof, where a SWAT helicopter is flying in with its spotlights. The Marshall is about to shoot it down, but the bald man in the jogging suit stops him. SWAT guys rappel down, and the robed man leaps into their midst, using flying kicks and twirling million-hand slaps to knock them out.

CAPTAIN
This is Wang Sing-Yi. He’s a master of every martial art China ever created, and he’s quicker than scientists tend to think human nerves and muscle reflexes can allow a man to be. He fights with- of all things- a tiny, telescoping silver claw.

CUDDLY JACK watches as SING-YI pulls out the claw and rips it across two cops’ facemasks at once, blinding them.

CUDDLY JACK
He fights with a fork?

CAPTAIN
Well… in a manner of speaking, I suppose so.

CHAI TONG
(thinking) Hmm…

Meanwhile, the man in the jogging suit kneels by one of the rappelling cables still attached to the helicopter, above. He ties it to a thick metal snap-clip he takes off the body of a cop. He throws the clip towards the huge IniDyne sign, which is overlooking the four-story drop to the police cars below, on the street. The man runs toward the sign, firing a gun at its base supports. They snap, and the sign begins toppling out onto the cops below. The sign, as it’s falling, is pulling the helicopter down with it, over the side of the building. The helicopter falls level with the roof, and the bald man leaps the fifteen foot gap straight into the helicopter’s open door. He then shoots the cable free and throws the pilot out onto the street, then pulls the helicopter up just in time to keep it from crashing into the street, where the IniDyne sign has just landed on a large group of cars, smashing them to rubble. The helicopter pulls up over the building again.

CAPTAIN
(pausing it again) This man’s name is Positive Lam.

CHEF TSO
Positive Lamb??

CAPTAIN
That’s right, Positive Lam.

CHEF TSO
(burps) Weird.

CAPTAIN
Positive Lam is a genius-level improvisational thinker. He may not be terrifically skilled with guns or fighting, but he can come up with a creative way out of any situation, generally to devastating effect. All he needs is something in his surroundings that he can use, and he’ll find a way to kill you with it.

CHEN YAU
Kinda like MacGyver meets Jet Li?

CHEF TSO
Meets Moby, by the look of him…

BAZOOKA
Hey, he does kinda look like Moby.

The tape unpauses and the helicopter picks up the others, and they fly away, leaving the SWAT team dead or dying at the ruins of IniDyne’s once beautiful building. The CAPTAIN stops the tape and takes it out.

CAPTAIN
So. This is what happened at IniDyne.

CHEN YAU
Captain, why are you telling US this… especially if it’s something big? Don’t you always yell at me about involving civilians in madcap gun and kung fu battles against charismatic and deadly villains in dangerous battles that seem to pit us spectacularly against the forces of crime, when in the end almost everything is smoking and demolished, but we’ve risen to the challenge wonderfully in a rousing and climactic finish?

CAPTAIN
Yes.

CHEN YAU
So… what’s the deal?

CAPTAIN
(sighs) The CID’s special crimes division has come in and claimed my jurisdiction. I know exactly what this means- a buncha pansy assed pencil pushers talking about getting things done and NOT getting things done, while the criminals finish their plan. I can’t let that happen. I need you to go out there and do what needs doing. I need these guys dropped… and quick.

BAZOOKA
Why the rush?

CAPTAIN
Because of what was stolen. The machine they stole was… well… remember a few years back, when some smartass scientists finally managed to teleport a single atom from one place to another?

BAZOOKA
I remember that, sure. I knew the lead scientist on the job. In fact-

CAPTAIN
(interrupting) Anyway, it seems now that these big-brained know-nothings have figured out how to teleport a complete molecule.

CHAI TONG
So what?

CAPTAIN
That’s what I said, until I was talking to one of the guys form the lab. He says that thing’s just one end of the teleportation machine, right? Kinda like a phone mouthpiece without an earpiece… just a transmitter, with no receiver to transmit to. Then, the lab guy tells me that he found out that the machine transmits to the other machine based on matched electrical oscillations. It needs a certain pattern of electrical energy to teleport something to.

BAZOOKA
Uh oh…

CAPTAIN
That’s right. The human brain’s alpha waves are oscillating patterns of electrical energy.

BAZOOKA
So, in theory, they could teleport a single molecule into a human brain, if they could synch the transmitter’s waves to the alpha waves of the target?

CAPTAIN
Correct. We don’t know what they plan to teleport, but provided they find the right kind of molecule, they could assassinate anyone from anywhere on the globe and leave no trace behind. This is why I’ve come to you tonight. I need you to find them and kill them and GET THAT MACHINE BACK.

BAZOOKA
But… do they know how to synch the waves yet? It would be tremendously complicated…

CAPTAIN
I don’t know. What I do know is that they’ll need a scientist to show them how to do it. A neurobiologist, and one of the best. I want you to look into any recent abductions in the neurobiology community… or find leaders in the field and guard them. Take no chances. If they pull this off, they’ll be able to write their own ticket. Terrorists would pay any amount to have an untraceable assassination service. This CANNOT HAPPEN.

CUDDLY JACK
All right, Willy! We get to go smash up some bad blokes again! Just like old times… sniffle…

GRANDMA
Can I be deputized? I want a badge.

CHAI TONG
Ha, you are too late, little tiny fat lady with mind of elderly goat. I already have a badge.

CHAI TONG flips out the other badge he has, the one he got last year. It reads CAPTAIN in bright gold letters.

CAPTAIN
Hey, that’s the badge I lost last year!! You took it? I could have you arrested for that, Chai…

CHAI TONG
(Ignoring the Captain) I am Captain, and hereby deign you to be unfit for active duty.

GRANDMA
This is not fair! I want a badge!

CAPTAIN
Will you all stop ignoring me? This is NATIONAL SECURITY HERE, PEOPLE! NOW, PULL IT TOGETHER, OR ELSE I’M GOING TO BUST YOU ALL DOWN TO TRAFFIC-

BLAM!! The CAPTAIN’S face explodes in a shower of blood as he’s shot from behind. We see a busboy at the door to the room holding a smoking gun.

BUSBOY
Kill them all! Get the tape!

CHEF TSO looks down and sees the cop’s blood and brains splattering the room. He looks up at the busboy and points.

CHEF TSO
YOU'RE FIRED!!!

He slams the rest of what’s in his glass, then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He stands up as the busboys with guns, bats, knives, and pipes begin rushing towards them.

 

[Breakstone]

Woah!!!

 

[Lela]

The death of a mean, yet lovible, minor character.

What Tsunami said.

 

[Fade]

Almost ten minutes into the film and we haven't even had one explosion yet...

 

[Lela]

Almost ten minutes into the film and we haven't even had one explosion yet...

I thought the CAPTAIN's head exploded rather nicely.


Are you planning anymore updates for tonight Doc?

 

[Conaill]

The Marshall presses a button on his gun with his thumb, and a tiny light blinks on its side. He casually clicks another switch on the gun, and the cars outside explode, killing the rushing cops and showering glass inside the lobby. The security guard shrieks and flinches from the shock as sound and glass wash over him.

Dunno, that counts as an explosion in my book!

Pretty cool how the director gradually faded the video from grainy black-and-white security camera footage to full high-res technicolor mayhem and back again.