-
The VOIDRUNNER'S CODEX is LIVE! Explore new worlds, fight oppressive empires, fend off fearsome aliens, and wield deadly psionics with this comprehensive boxed set expansion for 5E and A5E!
Fall Ceramic DM - Final Round Judgment Posted!
- Thread starter mythago
- Start date
Berandor
lunatic
Dashing over words, a red pen in my hand
"Ouch, this poem hurts" - "this metaphor is bland"
feeling nice and warm, while marking up mistakes
there can be no harm if the power gives me shakes.
Ref.: Judgement sent, judgement sent, judgement's on its way
oh what fun to critisize what you had to say
judgement sent, judgement sent, judgement on it's way
one to choose, to win or loose that's what makes my day!
Oh, and... good luck to everybody
"Ouch, this poem hurts" - "this metaphor is bland"
feeling nice and warm, while marking up mistakes
there can be no harm if the power gives me shakes.
Ref.: Judgement sent, judgement sent, judgement's on its way
oh what fun to critisize what you had to say
judgement sent, judgement sent, judgement on it's way
one to choose, to win or loose that's what makes my day!
Oh, and... good luck to everybody
mythago
Hero
Berandor
Macbeth, "Words"
A very good story about the power of storytelling. Don Diego is a mysterious figure and remains so even after the story's end. Why did he chose to kill the protagonist's father? What was Diego's goal all along? We don't know.
The constantly changing attributes for Diego's storytelling expertise were very illustrative; I really got into the speech pattern. You always have an excellent flow in your stories, this is no exception.
One question arose quite early; when the protagonist refers to Diego "as a legend, or maybe a virus. I still haven't figured out which." He killed his father on Diego's behalf, and he still doesn't know whether to call the man legend or virus? Can't have been that much of a guilt trip, can it?
I also want some more detail on the stories that come to life. Mischievous faeries are in the village - and what? Do they flutter about, do they disappear after a day or two, or what? And what happens to the Burro? The protagonist's father "finds" it, and then? Shoots it, drives it away, eats it?
Still, it's a chilling progression from rain to nightly sun to murder. His words could surely hurt.
The ending was a little jarring, as well. While this narrative level has been there all along, it doesn't end with Diego's story, and I somehow got the impression that this was an afterthought. Who's the child that the narrator is referring to? Is it *his* child? Is it just a figure of speech that he loaned from Diego? Has Diego come back? What's up? The ending left me with too many questions and too little resolution.
Piratecat: "Reunion"
A totally different story. Where Macbeth is wonderfully dark, "Reunion" is funny. Two wizards meeting again - is it a yearly event, or a monthly meeting? Anyway, you really get the impression of two people having lived a good part of their lives with each other, what with the constant arguing and making fun of each other. As much as they pretend to be annoyed at each other's antics, they relish this time on the bench, and you get to feel that.
Now, I wonder about the younger one's eyes. After the owl eyes have been introduced so emphatically, the wizard with the mustache is left eyeless still. That irked me somewhat.
Just like the suspicious looking sandwich. Shifting its eyes, whistling an innocuous tune, wearing a trenchcoat, the sandwich sure looked suspicious. I got what you were saying, but it sounded curious nevertheless.
Then we learn that the older wizard is "usually so precise", which is of course followed by great misunderstandings and banter, but also with him using "purpose" for tortoise. Just for the misunderstandings, which are funny, but not precise. And by "grub", I suppose the younger means chafer grubs (hello language filter!).
Still, this story is *funny*. Grin, chuckle, chortle funny. "They don't make squirrels like the used to" is probably my favorite phrase, whereas "the tale of the purpose is connected to the donkey" makes me think of the "Court Jester" with Danny Kaye.
There isn't really a conflict here (except for the misunderstanding), just two people reminiscing about good times. And morass instead of mer-ass isn't too precise, either.
Oh, and when the younger thinks about translucent grubs, "doubtlessly picturing his friend..." it sort of breaks the narrative as it shows us his thoughts, and it's not very funny because you end up explaining your own joke.
A funny little piece, even if not much of a story.
The pictures
playme
- Piratecat's pic is a vicious court jester who just discovered the mandolins's side effects. That forced grin really gets me. After laughing for the pufferdove story, I start chortling again when I see that face. An ingenious use!
- This is Don Diego (de la Vega? Who knows). Macbeth's mysterious minstrel dominates the story, even though his motives remain a little muddied. Diego can use the power of stories for real life changes. A good, strong use.
seat
- Macbeth's bench is sat upon by Diego. As long as the storyteller sits there, nobody notices the surroundings, but when he has left (or vanished), the green plants stick out like a sore thumb. It wouldn't be that strong a use had Macbeth not given us the plants to look for - a very efficient way of lending this pic weight.
- Piratecat has an old bench where wizards meet regularly, sometimes refurnishing the thing. It's a nice detail that the two old men meet on an perhaps equally old bench, comparing their skin to it's surface.
underneath the surface
- Piratecat uses the pic as a reference to grubs which are soon enlarged and merged with squirrels to produce fluttersquirrels, err, squirrelmoths, err... It's a minor reference in another moment of complete misunderstanding that fits the story and enhances the theme, but is not really important to the "plot".
- Macbeth uses the pic for Diego's first "wizardry", as he changes the grubs to drops of water left behind by a rain torrent. It works, if only because the mentions that the rain might have been animated/water elemental-like.
chew
-Macbeth gives us Burro, a crazy creature from a strange story. The burro eats because it doesn't want anybode else to eat, out of pure spite and envy. A great touch that really enhances the pic. I still don't know why Diego made it come alive and destroy a lot of the harvest, though, so the pic seems a little forced.
- This is the morass, and if not for this pic, we might be left wondering what the heck a morass is. Only by seeing it do we make the connection and get a glimpse at the story's themes before they are spelled out as transmogrifiying. It's a good use. Normally, I'm not too fond of pictures that aren't described/referenced in the text, but the morass gets a description later on, and as someone who disregarded the pic on the first reading, I can say the story works despite the lack of explanation for the morass. Be careful in these uses - if they don't work like here, I don't like them.
hot
- Whump. Whump Whump WHUMP. Pufferdoves exploding, accidentally fulfilling the prophesy about blood rain, reader laughing. What can I say? It's a very creative use (that is to say the pufferdoves seem to explode in a giant fireball), but one of the story's highlights.
- The kids playing under the midnight sun is a great image. The ritual to call the fiery globe is a little creepy and gives a great waring sign. I actually expected later rituals to become more dangerous and perhaps even bloody, and this really counters the good feeling we get about Diego after the rain. Great use, even if we didn't get to know what the boy's father thought about it.
Judgement
On strictly narrative merits, both stories are tied. I enjoyed both tremendously, "Reunion" for its humor and "Words" for the dark tale it spins. But I already knew both of you could write.
So my decision hangs on the pics. And again, both of you have very good uses; curiously, I thought your strongest pics were the same despite having very different stories (hot and playme).
[sblock]It's a close call again, but the inventiveness of Piratecat's pics prevails. Exploding pufferdoves and a cursed mandolin make me give my
POINT TO PIRATECAT[/sblock]
Maldur
Piratecat
The iconic bench that every village needs so the old men can sit and chat the day away. But does this make you a cross between a feline and a pirate?
MacBeth
Nasty little twist, but I like it stories do have power don’t they.
Judgement:
My vote for Piratecat, I liked the stories about the same, but the story being slightly more "fantasty" made me decide.
mythago
Piratecat – “Reunion”
“What do you get when you cross two old magicians with a Jack Benny sketch?”
The story wobbles a bit at the start (the part about donating money, for one) and then settles in, told through dialogue, somehow avoiding stereotypes of grumpy old men and cranky wizards. There are times when it goes a little *too* far in the “as you know…” direction, of explaining to the audience what the characters know all too well, but the device of reiterating a favorite old story works nicely.
The use of “chew” was wonderful, “playme” a stretch, the rest decently done. One can’t help but admire exploding pufferdoves.
Macbeth – “Words”
I liked one of the stories. I say that because it seems like two different versions of the same basic theme. In the first, we get pretty sinister foreshadowing of a terrible end, the children led astray by a storytelling Pied Piper. The second story kind of slides into a different plotline altogether. We lose the concerted action by the children, the escalation from leaves to hot embers, the pitting of the children against the elders, and go to one boy being used to punish his father. We don’t really get a sense of what Don Diego is doing; why he has come to the village. Getting the narrator to kill his father seems kind of a pointless use of his power (and he came all the way to the village for this?)
Very nice use of the bench to show not only Don Diego’s location, but his absence. “chew” was, I thought, weak; why Burro has a tail isn’t really explained except that he came from a story. I would have liked to see the balalaika appear again later in the story, since it’s such a big part of the original picture of Don Diego.
Judgment for this round: [sblock]Piratecat takes it 3-0 and goes on to the final round![/sblock]
Macbeth, "Words"
A very good story about the power of storytelling. Don Diego is a mysterious figure and remains so even after the story's end. Why did he chose to kill the protagonist's father? What was Diego's goal all along? We don't know.
The constantly changing attributes for Diego's storytelling expertise were very illustrative; I really got into the speech pattern. You always have an excellent flow in your stories, this is no exception.
One question arose quite early; when the protagonist refers to Diego "as a legend, or maybe a virus. I still haven't figured out which." He killed his father on Diego's behalf, and he still doesn't know whether to call the man legend or virus? Can't have been that much of a guilt trip, can it?
I also want some more detail on the stories that come to life. Mischievous faeries are in the village - and what? Do they flutter about, do they disappear after a day or two, or what? And what happens to the Burro? The protagonist's father "finds" it, and then? Shoots it, drives it away, eats it?
Still, it's a chilling progression from rain to nightly sun to murder. His words could surely hurt.
The ending was a little jarring, as well. While this narrative level has been there all along, it doesn't end with Diego's story, and I somehow got the impression that this was an afterthought. Who's the child that the narrator is referring to? Is it *his* child? Is it just a figure of speech that he loaned from Diego? Has Diego come back? What's up? The ending left me with too many questions and too little resolution.
Piratecat: "Reunion"
A totally different story. Where Macbeth is wonderfully dark, "Reunion" is funny. Two wizards meeting again - is it a yearly event, or a monthly meeting? Anyway, you really get the impression of two people having lived a good part of their lives with each other, what with the constant arguing and making fun of each other. As much as they pretend to be annoyed at each other's antics, they relish this time on the bench, and you get to feel that.
Now, I wonder about the younger one's eyes. After the owl eyes have been introduced so emphatically, the wizard with the mustache is left eyeless still. That irked me somewhat.
Just like the suspicious looking sandwich. Shifting its eyes, whistling an innocuous tune, wearing a trenchcoat, the sandwich sure looked suspicious. I got what you were saying, but it sounded curious nevertheless.
Then we learn that the older wizard is "usually so precise", which is of course followed by great misunderstandings and banter, but also with him using "purpose" for tortoise. Just for the misunderstandings, which are funny, but not precise. And by "grub", I suppose the younger means
chafer grubs (hello language filter!). Still, this story is *funny*. Grin, chuckle, chortle funny. "They don't make squirrels like the used to" is probably my favorite phrase, whereas "the tale of the purpose is connected to the donkey" makes me think of the "Court Jester" with Danny Kaye.
There isn't really a conflict here (except for the misunderstanding), just two people reminiscing about good times. And morass instead of mer-ass isn't too precise, either.
Oh, and when the younger thinks about translucent grubs, "doubtlessly picturing his friend..." it sort of breaks the narrative as it shows us his thoughts, and it's not very funny because you end up explaining your own joke.
A funny little piece, even if not much of a story.
The pictures
playme
- Piratecat's pic is a vicious court jester who just discovered the mandolins's side effects. That forced grin really gets me. After laughing for the pufferdove story, I start chortling again when I see that face. An ingenious use!
- This is Don Diego (de la Vega? Who knows). Macbeth's mysterious minstrel dominates the story, even though his motives remain a little muddied. Diego can use the power of stories for real life changes. A good, strong use.
seat
- Macbeth's bench is sat upon by Diego. As long as the storyteller sits there, nobody notices the surroundings, but when he has left (or vanished), the green plants stick out like a sore thumb. It wouldn't be that strong a use had Macbeth not given us the plants to look for - a very efficient way of lending this pic weight.
- Piratecat has an old bench where wizards meet regularly, sometimes refurnishing the thing. It's a nice detail that the two old men meet on an perhaps equally old bench, comparing their skin to it's surface.
underneath the surface
- Piratecat uses the pic as a reference to grubs which are soon enlarged and merged with squirrels to produce fluttersquirrels, err, squirrelmoths, err... It's a minor reference in another moment of complete misunderstanding that fits the story and enhances the theme, but is not really important to the "plot".
- Macbeth uses the pic for Diego's first "wizardry", as he changes the grubs to drops of water left behind by a rain torrent. It works, if only because the mentions that the rain might have been animated/water elemental-like.
chew
-Macbeth gives us Burro, a crazy creature from a strange story. The burro eats because it doesn't want anybode else to eat, out of pure spite and envy. A great touch that really enhances the pic. I still don't know why Diego made it come alive and destroy a lot of the harvest, though, so the pic seems a little forced.
- This is the morass, and if not for this pic, we might be left wondering what the heck a morass is. Only by seeing it do we make the connection and get a glimpse at the story's themes before they are spelled out as transmogrifiying. It's a good use. Normally, I'm not too fond of pictures that aren't described/referenced in the text, but the morass gets a description later on, and as someone who disregarded the pic on the first reading, I can say the story works despite the lack of explanation for the morass. Be careful in these uses - if they don't work like here, I don't like them.
hot
- Whump. Whump Whump WHUMP. Pufferdoves exploding, accidentally fulfilling the prophesy about blood rain, reader laughing. What can I say? It's a very creative use (that is to say the pufferdoves seem to explode in a giant fireball), but one of the story's highlights.
- The kids playing under the midnight sun is a great image. The ritual to call the fiery globe is a little creepy and gives a great waring sign. I actually expected later rituals to become more dangerous and perhaps even bloody, and this really counters the good feeling we get about Diego after the rain. Great use, even if we didn't get to know what the boy's father thought about it.
Judgement
On strictly narrative merits, both stories are tied. I enjoyed both tremendously, "Reunion" for its humor and "Words" for the dark tale it spins. But I already knew both of you could write.
So my decision hangs on the pics. And again, both of you have very good uses; curiously, I thought your strongest pics were the same despite having very different stories (hot and playme).
[sblock]It's a close call again, but the inventiveness of Piratecat's pics prevails. Exploding pufferdoves and a cursed mandolin make me give my
POINT TO PIRATECAT[/sblock]
Maldur
Piratecat
The iconic bench that every village needs so the old men can sit and chat the day away. But does this make you a cross between a feline and a pirate?
MacBeth
Nasty little twist, but I like it stories do have power don’t they.
Judgement:
My vote for Piratecat, I liked the stories about the same, but the story being slightly more "fantasty" made me decide.
mythago
Piratecat – “Reunion”
“What do you get when you cross two old magicians with a Jack Benny sketch?”
The story wobbles a bit at the start (the part about donating money, for one) and then settles in, told through dialogue, somehow avoiding stereotypes of grumpy old men and cranky wizards. There are times when it goes a little *too* far in the “as you know…” direction, of explaining to the audience what the characters know all too well, but the device of reiterating a favorite old story works nicely.
The use of “chew” was wonderful, “playme” a stretch, the rest decently done. One can’t help but admire exploding pufferdoves.
Macbeth – “Words”
I liked one of the stories. I say that because it seems like two different versions of the same basic theme. In the first, we get pretty sinister foreshadowing of a terrible end, the children led astray by a storytelling Pied Piper. The second story kind of slides into a different plotline altogether. We lose the concerted action by the children, the escalation from leaves to hot embers, the pitting of the children against the elders, and go to one boy being used to punish his father. We don’t really get a sense of what Don Diego is doing; why he has come to the village. Getting the narrator to kill his father seems kind of a pointless use of his power (and he came all the way to the village for this?)
Very nice use of the bench to show not only Don Diego’s location, but his absence. “chew” was, I thought, weak; why Burro has a tail isn’t really explained except that he came from a story. I would have liked to see the balalaika appear again later in the story, since it’s such a big part of the original picture of Don Diego.
Judgment for this round: [sblock]Piratecat takes it 3-0 and goes on to the final round![/sblock]
mythago
Hero
Maldur
FireLance
Mystic peppers, and getting sucked to another dimension. remind me never to
go for a law degree
Rodrigo Istalindir
An adventurers destiny, very oriental feel. And lemon meringue pie....yum
choices choices.....the tea leaves gave me Rodrigo Istalindir(but it was
very hard).
Berandor
Firelance: "Nighttime Wanderings"
I think I'll quit my drive of becoming a lawyer/financial analyst. A nice story with a great moral, and one of the worst hippogriff names in history. George?
I must say I like each of your stories better than the previous one. I think you are constantly improving.
But I was a little lost as to where Jim lives. It seems he lives in his parents' old house, what with the shed outside where his father put his toys. And he sleeps in his boy's bedroom as we see in the second dream/vision. So what happened to his father and mother? From Aristortle's accounts, it sounds as if Jim might barely be thirty. Plus, with all his success, he doesn't have a garage for his car so he could go shopping and remain dry?
I thought that "O wise and all-knowing tortoise sage Aristortle" was a little too exaggerated to sound remotely serious, and it was strange that there was still the tinsel and the sketch of George inside the shed. Oh, and after Aristortle claims that Jim can't expect a straight answer from him, he proceeds to very much spell everything out.
I enjoyed the "Dark Lord/Dad" parallelism. I can readily imagine a small boy putting a dark cloak around his strict father's figure. I also liked the pepper "sequence" which goes as far as Jim not wanting to eat them "out of sequence", as well as the small detail about "four pepper casserole." And there *should* be a blue pepper.
Just one final question: Just *who* is holding the Blue Pepper in his hands in the end?
Rodrigo Istalindir, "Witchy Woman"
I'll refer to you from here on as simply "Rodrigo". I hope you don't mind.
Another Kylo Krumboldt story. It's a nice enough tale, but I fear by having this hero reappear you have done a disservice to the readers as well as to him.
First of all, he isn't properly introduced here, as you sort of rely upon the reader's knowledge of the previous story. So for the uninitiated, not only does Kylo remain vague, but the references to the previous story fall flat, as well.
On the other hand, Kylo is not the Kylo we've gotten to know. Here, he doesn't bluff or fast-talk anybody, doesn't persevere on behalf of his wits, and generally is simply a guy moving through the story. He doesn't cheat the goddess out of her baby sacrifice, or her night with him, or her promise, he doesn't even defeat her craftily - he just shoots her. And afterwards? Is the curse still about? Are the peppers still magical? I fear you really wanted to have another Krumboldt tale, and misjudged this time.
The beginning conversation between Kylo and the innkeep is not always easy to follow. I suggest not putting closing " at the end of a paragraph when the speaker speaks on:
"And please, call me Kylo.
"I am a merchant by trade..."
Your prose is proficient as always, though. I kind of missed a twist of some sort, or anything out of the ordinary chain of events, and I didn't really understand why the hag reneged on her promise. I also didn't get what covers Kylo's face in the end. Totally did not get it, even on third reading. Sorry.
Again, I like the exaggerated vocabular of your hero, and the innkeeper and his daughters were quite sympathetic, as well. I liked the detail that the Witch kept her talons (and her beak?).
And finally, is Scandiaca a witch or a goddess (like you call her in the third paragraph). Would a goddess really be killed by a bullett?
The Pictures
standanddeliver
Okay, look at the pic. Look at the middle of it. That's a rack. Now look at the superimposed face. That's eye liner. This hippo-creature is a woman. Female.
And now, back to the show.
- Rodrigo's poor Kylo not only has to bed a half-owl, but he also gets polymorphed into a pig-my. Fortunately, he has a pistol in his pack, to better shoot the witch with. So does that mean Kylo's running around in pirate clothes? Anyway, it's a nice enough use of the pic, except for the pig and rack discrepancy.
- Firelance has George appear, a childhood friend of our hero. He's named after a TV creature, the poor guy. He's the first of the three ghosts of Adventure Past. George is important in the story, and his appearance (save for the rack), is handily explained. A good use, as well.
flooded
- Firelance shows us Jim's shack. It seems not only has Jim forgotten to eat or go shopping, but he also neglected his back yard, what with oil casks floating around. No wonder what is put in there, is fast forgotten, like Jim's childhood toys and dreams. The shack is referenced throughout the story - perhaps one too many times (would you really stow ashes in an already quite full shack?) - which makes for a simple, yet suitable use.
- Rodrigo shows us the ruined inn. It's a little too much iron for my tastes, but it shows the level of destruction the flood left behind and intensifies the danger of the looming storm. Thankfully, the beer casket has not taken up water. I didn't care too much for this pic, still.
turtles
- Jule and Jenn, Johann's daughters, are caught spying and turned into purposes (ha!). They would make nice noises when striking the ground, but Kylo saves them by offering himself. The turtles are gone as they came - in a flash. It's a fun use, but nothing spectacular.
- Turtle Temple on top of Turtle Mountain. A boy's imagination. You had to be there, I guess. While the young Jim says he hid the blue pepper in the shed, he actually did not. But on a "go to the shed, Jim, and reclaim your dreams" level, it still works. I actually liked the image of the jade temple on a strange mountain looking like a turtle. I think this is your strongest pic. Well done.
peer
- This appears to be young Jim in his room, covered by a mount of snow (or tinsel). Why his father didn't throw the tinsel away, I don't know. It seems a little arbitrary for Jimmy to hide there, as well. It's here because it's a pic, I guess.
- Meet Scandiaca, Winter Witch, Lady Owl, spiteful goddess/sorceress. She just turned herself into a woman from being an owl and is clad in white feathers. She looks quite young, so I figured Kylo would get along with going along. Note: you can see her hand here, which is no talon, but I only noticed it at third glance, so... The pic is fine, but doesn't fully mesh with Kylo's reaction to Scandiaca.
unity
- These are enchanted vegetables (I smiled at Kylo never having seen a paprika), and the explanation for their colors is very cool. I wondered briefly whether paprika would grow in the cold north, or if the bargain was a cop-out all along. But the concept is great, even if the paprika are never planted and we don't even know whether they'd still work.
- This quartet is missing its fifth partner, the Blue Pepper, elusive as it is. As we learn from Firelance's story, you have to eat them in a certain order. I think I recall paprika leading to vivid dreams, which would mesh fine with the story, as these peppers put Jim in contact with his childhood fantasies while dreaming. They have a major part in this story.
Judgement
Again, both stories are tied on their own. While I greatly enjoyed the concept, "Nighttime Wanderings" didn't quite connect with me at times, though at other times I was fairly engrossed. "Witchy Woman" was similar, even though I felt it was written a little more competently, while there was no great idea behind it. The biggest disappointment in this story is that Kylo Krumboldt is not the Kylo I expected to see.
Which brings me, again, to the pics. Overall, both of you have fairly good picture uses.
[sblock]In the end, I counted a 2-1 advantage (unity, turtles - peer - two ties), so I give my POINT TO FIRELANCE[/sblock]
mythago
FireLance – “Nighttime Wanderings”
This is a good example of how to weave together threads in a story without being obvious about it. The silliness of the Blue Pepper isn’t so silly, when you see the reason for its existence. What I really don’t get about this story is Jim. It’s hard to care much about him—frankly, he comes across as a spoiled whiner, and I say this as somebody who has had similar thoughts about shredding, burning and mulching law textbooks. Sometimes he seems like a young college student, disorganized enough to run out of food and have nothing left but bell peppers, and no way to order pizza; other times we get the idea that he is a mature adult who has somehow inherited his parents’ old house. I liked it, though, right up until the end. He did what, exactly? Imagined, dreamed, brought into being? Let himself remember the old days instead of being all stuffy and studious? I don’t get it.
Rodrigo Istalindir – “Witchy Woman”
Again, an interesting story concept with an utterly flat central character. We're told Kylo is a "silver-tongued rogue" but never shown it. He doesn't flatter the Witch into restoring the girls, he begs. He supposedly lives by wits and trickery, but he gives away his help for free. Not much of a rogue, he.
The story itself was plotted well, I thought. There are a lot of stereotypes (the jolly innkeeper, the old witch) that were made more complex. The planting of the peppers to keep away the rain, the witch seizing an excuse to go back on her bargain, the hidden gun that puts an end to her terror. The pictures weren't used in any startlingly original way, though. Why peppers? Why did the girls get turned into stacked turtles? How did the witch turn from a goddess into an easily-defeated, nutty old woman? What the heck was up with that pie at the end?
Judgment this round to [sblock]FireLance, 2-1, who goes on to the final round![/sblock]
FireLance
Mystic peppers, and getting sucked to another dimension. remind me never to
go for a law degree
Rodrigo Istalindir
An adventurers destiny, very oriental feel. And lemon meringue pie....yum
choices choices.....the tea leaves gave me Rodrigo Istalindir(but it was
very hard).
Berandor
Firelance: "Nighttime Wanderings"
I think I'll quit my drive of becoming a lawyer/financial analyst. A nice story with a great moral, and one of the worst hippogriff names in history. George?
I must say I like each of your stories better than the previous one. I think you are constantly improving.
But I was a little lost as to where Jim lives. It seems he lives in his parents' old house, what with the shed outside where his father put his toys. And he sleeps in his boy's bedroom as we see in the second dream/vision. So what happened to his father and mother? From Aristortle's accounts, it sounds as if Jim might barely be thirty. Plus, with all his success, he doesn't have a garage for his car so he could go shopping and remain dry?
I thought that "O wise and all-knowing tortoise sage Aristortle" was a little too exaggerated to sound remotely serious, and it was strange that there was still the tinsel and the sketch of George inside the shed. Oh, and after Aristortle claims that Jim can't expect a straight answer from him, he proceeds to very much spell everything out.
I enjoyed the "Dark Lord/Dad" parallelism. I can readily imagine a small boy putting a dark cloak around his strict father's figure. I also liked the pepper "sequence" which goes as far as Jim not wanting to eat them "out of sequence", as well as the small detail about "four pepper casserole." And there *should* be a blue pepper.
Just one final question: Just *who* is holding the Blue Pepper in his hands in the end?
Rodrigo Istalindir, "Witchy Woman"
I'll refer to you from here on as simply "Rodrigo". I hope you don't mind.
Another Kylo Krumboldt story. It's a nice enough tale, but I fear by having this hero reappear you have done a disservice to the readers as well as to him.
First of all, he isn't properly introduced here, as you sort of rely upon the reader's knowledge of the previous story. So for the uninitiated, not only does Kylo remain vague, but the references to the previous story fall flat, as well.
On the other hand, Kylo is not the Kylo we've gotten to know. Here, he doesn't bluff or fast-talk anybody, doesn't persevere on behalf of his wits, and generally is simply a guy moving through the story. He doesn't cheat the goddess out of her baby sacrifice, or her night with him, or her promise, he doesn't even defeat her craftily - he just shoots her. And afterwards? Is the curse still about? Are the peppers still magical? I fear you really wanted to have another Krumboldt tale, and misjudged this time.
The beginning conversation between Kylo and the innkeep is not always easy to follow. I suggest not putting closing " at the end of a paragraph when the speaker speaks on:
"And please, call me Kylo.
"I am a merchant by trade..."
Your prose is proficient as always, though. I kind of missed a twist of some sort, or anything out of the ordinary chain of events, and I didn't really understand why the hag reneged on her promise. I also didn't get what covers Kylo's face in the end. Totally did not get it, even on third reading. Sorry.
Again, I like the exaggerated vocabular of your hero, and the innkeeper and his daughters were quite sympathetic, as well. I liked the detail that the Witch kept her talons (and her beak?).
And finally, is Scandiaca a witch or a goddess (like you call her in the third paragraph). Would a goddess really be killed by a bullett?
The Pictures
standanddeliver
Okay, look at the pic. Look at the middle of it. That's a rack. Now look at the superimposed face. That's eye liner. This hippo-creature is a woman. Female.
And now, back to the show.
- Rodrigo's poor Kylo not only has to bed a half-owl, but he also gets polymorphed into a pig-my. Fortunately, he has a pistol in his pack, to better shoot the witch with. So does that mean Kylo's running around in pirate clothes?
Anyway, it's a nice enough use of the pic, except for the pig and rack discrepancy. - Firelance has George appear, a childhood friend of our hero. He's named after a TV creature, the poor guy. He's the first of the three ghosts of Adventure Past. George is important in the story, and his appearance (save for the rack), is handily explained. A good use, as well.
flooded
- Firelance shows us Jim's shack. It seems not only has Jim forgotten to eat or go shopping, but he also neglected his back yard, what with oil casks floating around. No wonder what is put in there, is fast forgotten, like Jim's childhood toys and dreams. The shack is referenced throughout the story - perhaps one too many times (would you really stow ashes in an already quite full shack?) - which makes for a simple, yet suitable use.
- Rodrigo shows us the ruined inn. It's a little too much iron for my tastes, but it shows the level of destruction the flood left behind and intensifies the danger of the looming storm. Thankfully, the beer casket has not taken up water. I didn't care too much for this pic, still.
turtles
- Jule and Jenn, Johann's daughters, are caught spying and turned into purposes (ha!). They would make nice noises when striking the ground, but Kylo saves them by offering himself. The turtles are gone as they came - in a flash. It's a fun use, but nothing spectacular.
- Turtle Temple on top of Turtle Mountain. A boy's imagination. You had to be there, I guess. While the young Jim says he hid the blue pepper in the shed, he actually did not. But on a "go to the shed, Jim, and reclaim your dreams" level, it still works. I actually liked the image of the jade temple on a strange mountain looking like a turtle. I think this is your strongest pic. Well done.
peer
- This appears to be young Jim in his room, covered by a mount of snow (or tinsel). Why his father didn't throw the tinsel away, I don't know. It seems a little arbitrary for Jimmy to hide there, as well. It's here because it's a pic, I guess.
- Meet Scandiaca, Winter Witch, Lady Owl, spiteful goddess/sorceress. She just turned herself into a woman from being an owl and is clad in white feathers. She looks quite young, so I figured Kylo would get along with going along. Note: you can see her hand here, which is no talon, but I only noticed it at third glance, so... The pic is fine, but doesn't fully mesh with Kylo's reaction to Scandiaca.
unity
- These are enchanted vegetables (I smiled at Kylo never having seen a paprika), and the explanation for their colors is very cool. I wondered briefly whether paprika would grow in the cold north, or if the bargain was a cop-out all along. But the concept is great, even if the paprika are never planted and we don't even know whether they'd still work.
- This quartet is missing its fifth partner, the Blue Pepper, elusive as it is. As we learn from Firelance's story, you have to eat them in a certain order. I think I recall paprika leading to vivid dreams, which would mesh fine with the story, as these peppers put Jim in contact with his childhood fantasies while dreaming. They have a major part in this story.
Judgement
Again, both stories are tied on their own. While I greatly enjoyed the concept, "Nighttime Wanderings" didn't quite connect with me at times, though at other times I was fairly engrossed. "Witchy Woman" was similar, even though I felt it was written a little more competently, while there was no great idea behind it. The biggest disappointment in this story is that Kylo Krumboldt is not the Kylo I expected to see.
Which brings me, again, to the pics. Overall, both of you have fairly good picture uses.
[sblock]In the end, I counted a 2-1 advantage (unity, turtles - peer - two ties), so I give my POINT TO FIRELANCE[/sblock]
mythago
FireLance – “Nighttime Wanderings”
This is a good example of how to weave together threads in a story without being obvious about it. The silliness of the Blue Pepper isn’t so silly, when you see the reason for its existence. What I really don’t get about this story is Jim. It’s hard to care much about him—frankly, he comes across as a spoiled whiner, and I say this as somebody who has had similar thoughts about shredding, burning and mulching law textbooks. Sometimes he seems like a young college student, disorganized enough to run out of food and have nothing left but bell peppers, and no way to order pizza; other times we get the idea that he is a mature adult who has somehow inherited his parents’ old house. I liked it, though, right up until the end. He did what, exactly? Imagined, dreamed, brought into being? Let himself remember the old days instead of being all stuffy and studious? I don’t get it.
Rodrigo Istalindir – “Witchy Woman”
Again, an interesting story concept with an utterly flat central character. We're told Kylo is a "silver-tongued rogue" but never shown it. He doesn't flatter the Witch into restoring the girls, he begs. He supposedly lives by wits and trickery, but he gives away his help for free. Not much of a rogue, he.
The story itself was plotted well, I thought. There are a lot of stereotypes (the jolly innkeeper, the old witch) that were made more complex. The planting of the peppers to keep away the rain, the witch seizing an excuse to go back on her bargain, the hidden gun that puts an end to her terror. The pictures weren't used in any startlingly original way, though. Why peppers? Why did the girls get turned into stacked turtles? How did the witch turn from a goddess into an easily-defeated, nutty old woman? What the heck was up with that pie at the end?
Judgment this round to [sblock]FireLance, 2-1, who goes on to the final round![/sblock]
FireLance
Legend
Scraped through again!
Thanks to the judges for all the comments. I can honestly say that any improvement in my writing is directly due to their constructive criticism.
A little commentary on my story - the central theme was the tension between the "real" world and the world of imagination and dreams. Jim has been operating in the real world for too long, and his first instinct is to search for a real blue pepper. Unfortunately, blue peppers do not exist in the real world (at least, I hope not). In order to find one, he has to imagine it and in so doing, rediscover the side of himself that thrives on dreams and fantasies. The one holding the blue pepper in the end was his D&D character - his analog in the realm of his imagination.
I should add that I drew on many elements of my own life in this story. Jim's father is quite similar to mine. He could never understand why I waste time on RPGs when I could be doing something practical, either. Jim's attitude towards his books is the same as the one I had towards my books for my Master's course. My favourite 2e character was an elven fighter/mage/thief infiltrator named Valin Veramocor (he adventured in Planescape, not Spelljammer, though). And yes, there really is a George the Hippo from a children's television program named Rainbow. The picture looked so much like him that I couldn't resist alluding to that.
Rodrigo, I have to admit that I didn't know Kylo was a repeat character before the judgement went up and was a little puzzled by your story. But I thought your past two entries were great.
And now, I get to square off against the Dread Pirate Kitty. Hmmm, he might actually win a Ceramic DM contest for once.
Thanks to the judges for all the comments. I can honestly say that any improvement in my writing is directly due to their constructive criticism.
A little commentary on my story - the central theme was the tension between the "real" world and the world of imagination and dreams. Jim has been operating in the real world for too long, and his first instinct is to search for a real blue pepper. Unfortunately, blue peppers do not exist in the real world (at least, I hope not
). In order to find one, he has to imagine it and in so doing, rediscover the side of himself that thrives on dreams and fantasies. The one holding the blue pepper in the end was his D&D character - his analog in the realm of his imagination.I should add that I drew on many elements of my own life in this story. Jim's father is quite similar to mine. He could never understand why I waste time on RPGs when I could be doing something practical, either. Jim's attitude towards his books is the same as the one I had towards my books for my Master's course. My favourite 2e character was an elven fighter/mage/thief infiltrator named Valin Veramocor (he adventured in Planescape, not Spelljammer, though). And yes, there really is a George the Hippo from a children's television program named Rainbow. The picture looked so much like him that I couldn't resist alluding to that.
Rodrigo, I have to admit that I didn't know Kylo was a repeat character before the judgement went up and was a little puzzled by your story. But I thought your past two entries were great.
And now, I get to square off against the Dread Pirate Kitty. Hmmm, he might actually win a Ceramic DM contest for once.
But not if I can help it.
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
Berandor said:Then we learn that the older wizard is "usually so precise", which is of course followed by great misunderstandings and banter, but also with him using "purpose" for tortoise. Just for the misunderstandings, which are funny, but not precise. And by "grub", I suppose the younger means
By purpose I meant porpoise, and I used grub as a synonym for food. My apologies if this wasn't as clear as I would have liked -- but I'm glad you liked it anyways. Thank you all for the excellent feedback.
I'm ready to go whenever!
FireLance
Legend
Did I mention that I used Skills and Powers to swop out all the armor proficiencies for something else? No? Well, guilty as chargedBerandor said:Oh, I forgot something.
Firelance: fighter/mage/thief = munchkin!
.And I'm good to go at any time too, but again, advance notice of picture posting time would be appreciated.
