Gaming and Friendship (for DM's)

[BlueBlackRed]

In our group, friends are ok, but you're responsible for them.

When it's someone brand new, I generally talk to the new player first to make sure they aren't a psycho and their attitude generally fits to that of a decent adult human being.

When they get to the game, the current players generally have a month to say whether or not dump him. If any established member of the group genuinely doesn't like the person, then he's out. (It's like that to prevent losing an established player in favor of a new one.)

Thanks to the general screening process, this hasn't had to happen.

We did have one guy who totally expected us to change everything we did just for him so he could join. The grandma rule prevents me from giving our response.

 

[Rel]

The guys who I game with are not just friends but CLOSE friends. One of them I've known for almost my entire life and several others I've known for almost half my life. The shortest friendship in the group is in the 8 year range.

And there are occasional times when I'd rather not be gaming with all of them, particularly in certain games. But these thoughts are fleeting and I'll tell you why.

There was another guy we gamed with who I'd known since I was 12 years old (I'm 33 now). He was the ultimate "casual gamer" who often showed up late to sessions or cancelled at the last minute. He rarely responded to game-related e-mails between sessions and generally didn't take the game very seriously. It annoyed me and the other players and there were plenty of times when we said, "Next campaign let's just not invite him. It isn't like he cares that much about the game and there are clearly other things he'd rather do on many occasions."

Two years ago he died. The rest of us were crushed. And looking back on it I wouldn't trade any of those games when he came and I was mildly annoyed about his lack of enthusiasm. Because I realize that even when I wasn't thrilled about the way he engaged the game I still really enjoyed his company and my annoyances with him were petty in comparison to the depth of our friendship.

And so today I push aside any small gripes I have with my group as being insignificant in relation to the amount of love I have for these guys. They are there for me in ways that sometimes even my family is not. And for that I can overlook a lot of powergaming or taking too long to decide what spell to cast. For that I can tailor the sort of game I'll run to fit the group rather than hurt their feelings by choosing to run a game that would require me to exclude any of them.

It is not lost on me that not everybody is blessed to have the sort of tight-knit, long standing friendships that I've got and I am not going to do anything to put that at risk.

 

[Qualidar]

My long standing group has been together for 18 years. Needless to say, we're all friends. I've just started with two new groups, both of whom are people I met over the internet. I can't really say that we're friends yet, but there are definitely people in both groups that I could see becoming friends, in time (and luckily, neither of them has people in them I actively dislike, either). I wasn't in charge of putting either of the new groups together. One sort of fell together, one we met with the DM beforehand for dinner to suss out the situation.

~Qualidar~

 

[Wormwood]

I only game with friends.

Which would explain why I don't game any more.

The jerks.

 

[jerichothebard]

How many of you game only with "friends"? (As opposed to a fluid, casual gaming group)

I have two groups. One is a group found through a game store's game night; the other is mostly friends and friends of friends.

I've basically dropped out of the first group; they mostly play Hero system, they have some folks I think are a little disgusting, and they meet on the other side of the (San Francisco) Bay from where I live. But I still keep in touch with them and would still game with most of them.

The second group has evolved quite interestingly. It started out as two of my closest friends and me, then added a third friend. Several people have come and gone, including the wife of the third guy - most of the "gone" has been by mutual consent; one was just dropped without ceremony. We are now composed of the original two, plus the third guy sometimes, a friend of one of the first guys (who's now a friend in his own right), and a friend of that last guy. So, it's expanded very organically.

Interestingly, the distance factor mentioned in reference to the first group doesn't seem to be a problem with this group. We are mostly spread out through the Bay Area and Central valley - SF to Sacramento to Stockton, with one person who flies down from Portland, Oregon to game!

I think that is mostly a matter of frequency; the first group games far more frequently than the second, so it's more of a hassle and less of a special event. Particularly since Mrs. theBard gave birth to our first child a little more than three weeks ago.

How many of you use some screening method for determining the players in your games? (As opposed to letting in anyone who wants to be in the game, or anyone who you are close to who wants to be in the game)

Well, for the second group, which is really the one I consider my group, there isn't a screening process, short of a couple emails from me describing the type of game I run (very role-play intensive, with a fair amount of combat, heavy on the religious themes, no wizards, etc.). It often falls to the judgement of the current players not to suggest people that won't fit. And there there is sometimes some weeding out.

Finally, the reason I ask...

Am I wrong to choose not to game with a friend? Does it mean I really don't want that person's friendship?

No, but do be prepared for some problems to arise either way.

 

[ThirdWizard]

I have been known to game with aquaintances and one friend of a friend, but that was stretching it. I have friends I know better than to invite to my games, but I as well as the people I play with find enjoyment in the meta-game and enjoy each other's company. One of reasons for playing is to have a chance to hang out with my old college buddies (the ones who havn't graduated) and have a good time. I've thought about starting a new game here, but I don't really have any friends I want to game with here, and besides, we have no FLGS to meet people at. *sigh*

 

[WayneLigon]

Since we play in other people's houses we screen pretty heavily. If we invite a new person, we give them four-five sessions to get to know them and see if their playstyle will mesh with ours; we tell them this up front. Now, so far no-one who has come through that period has not become a friend on at least some level. We talk about out of game stuff before the game and after, and there are movie invites and the like mentioned; at some point we say to the new person 'We're all going to see XYZ, wanna come?'

We talk and email each other out of the game, and sometimes hang out. Only a couple of times has this ever led to the 'I'll take a bullet for you' level of friendship but it happens. Mostly, though, they need to be people that we'll feel comfortable having over for dinner or being seen in public with, or going to the movies, or whatever.

We aren't casual gamers - for the vast majority of us with SO's, kids, regular jobs, etc this is the one consistant fun thing we get to do during the week, so we make plans around it, tell potential dates 'I can go out every night but Friday night', - so we take who we play with pretty seriously.

Anyway, when I invite someone I'll look over what they've posted or written. Usually they'll say 'Intersted in playing X, Y, Z'. If that list is compatible with what we usually like, that's a good sign. I'll be likely to call that person. I'll talk with them for a while, ask some basic questions like 'how long have you been gaming', or 'do you have a problem with meeting on this night every single week'. Then if that sounds promising, we'll do lunch or maybe meet somewhere. Or I may just say 'show up here' so we can look them over and see how well they mesh with our playstyle and personalities. So far there have only been a couple of people we've said 'I think you'd do best to keep looking'. We been lucky, I know, but most of our players are (1) drawn from people that someone in the group knows or has heard about (2) someone who was serious enough to at least put up a notice or posting describing herself and what her gaming interests were.

 

[JoeGKushner]

Am I wrong to choose not to game with a friend? Does it mean I really don't want that person's friendship?

Any helpful input would be greatly appreciated.

DM

Well, for me, you can choose not to game with a friend. For examle, when I GM Champions or Mutants & Masterminds, I always go with a Silver Age style game. You know, the whole non-killing thing and all that good stuff. One of my player's hates it. He feels that his character is being controlled and constraineed and that if he wants a 4d6 Ranged Killing Attack with Armor Piercing that he can use on standard thugs and never get put away for it, because it happens in Image comics all the time, that I should bow before him.

I expalined to him that he shouldn't play because all the other players are happy running a Silver Age Game and that I wasn't going to "bend" the rules just for him.

He's still my friend but I know, whenever I'm GMing a supers game, that right off the bat he's out.

 

[Steel_Wind]

I guess this is kind of an odd question for me.

I game with friends. All of these friends I met through gaming over the years.

Two of them are friends since high school that I met through an old "wargaming" club as it was known in the 70s. I met them as a result of gaming, but to refer to them as gaming friends would be wrong. We've hung out socially and I have lived with both as room-mates over the course of time over the years. One was an usher at my wedding.

The other four I met when I started gaming with the two afforementioned friends again in 1997. They had formed a group whilst I was away in law school so I was the "new" joiner from their perspective. So what's that - eight years or so?

One new addition to my group joined as a result of being extended an invitation to play in my campaign as he is the music composer for our software team. He would be the only one in the "gaming friend" definition right now - but that's just not being fair to him. If he was around the gaming table for 8 years - or 26 years - I would be incredulous if anyone suggested I was not gaming with one of my oldest, closest friends ever.

I guess this all flows from a consequence of how often you are gaming with the same group of people and the nature of the venue. I can see how a game run out of a local gaming shop would be a little less personal initially - but over the course of time, surely that changes dramatically?

Looking back, I can say wihout any hesitation that all of my true friends in life have been gamers. I have kept that association with them over the course of years through that shared interest. I don't know how long it takes to be gaming with someone before you slip into that "true friend" mode - but it can't be all that long, is it? If for some reason that did not transpire, I am not sure I would want to be gaming with them for very long.

 

[Kaffis]

People I game with I typically develop friendships with, though they don't always necessarily extend to extensive interactions beyond a gaming context.

I wouldn't expect all my friends to be conducive to a particular campaign, though. So no, I don't think you're in the wrong or that you're "auditioning" for friends. Not feeling that a player would be a good fit for a campaign mood isn't the same as not wanting their friendship.