Hey

[Krieg]

I don't know.... I'm saying that it'll take time for her to sort out whatever's going through her mind right now and let things settle.

I agree 100%. The problem is that she wants to get everything done as soon as possible and fast track the divorce. She is becoming increasingly angry about everything and I'm going to have to start moving to protect myself. I have absolutely no desire to put her in a bad position, but I also don't want to come home one day and find everything gone...

There may be more to this, as we only have your side.... she may call you several forms of "idiot" or something. We don't know...

Not much name calling believe it or not.

A woman's mind is different from a guy's. We can hold "grudges" of things that happened months, even years ago. Stuff most guys have long since forgotten...

Oh yes. One of her major complaints is regarding something that happened five years ago.

Blame it on the full moon! People seem to be acting like jerks since the moon went full a few days ago..... Acting like a major PMS trip or something....

I've talked to her a family a bit as well and they are equally concerned about her behavior. Unfortunately the things she is doing right now are only a short term band-aid and are very likely to be emotionally unhealthy for her down the road.

I don't really like her that much right now, but I do still love her and worry about her well being. It absolutley kills me that I can't be there as a friend to offer her advice through all of this or to help protect her.

Just take things slow and hang out with your dad for awhile. Maybe the two of you can have a "father/son" talk and he can give advice...

Spent the day with dad & his wife. They are leaving for Cali tomorrow for two weeks. It is going to be especially stressfull without having my dad around. Ironically enough my wife's older brother is probably my main support system right now.

 

[Darth K'Trava]

Ouch!

Whatever happened five years ago must've been one doozy..... and for her to escalate it beyond what it probably was.....


Just make sure she doesn't leave you standing on the road in your skivvies with only a comb and toothbrush to your name....

 

[Steve Jung]

Is there anyone who could act as a neutral party, other than the therapist? Someone to act as go-between?

 

[I'm A Banana]

I've talked to her a family a bit as well and they are equally concerned about her behavior. Unfortunately the things she is doing right now are only a short term band-aid and are very likely to be emotionally unhealthy for her down the road.

I don't really like her that much right now, but I do still love her and worry about her well being. It absolutley kills me that I can't be there as a friend to offer her advice through all of this or to help protect her.

As far as I can tell, the best thing you can do is let her do what she feels she needs to do, and you do the same. Tell her that. "I know you're trying to do the best with everything that you can, and I want you to know that what you're doing isn't going to stop me from loving you. I won't stand in your way. I just want you to know that no matter how far down that path you run, all you need to do is turn around and take one step back, and I'll be there. I don't like this, but I respect your descisions."

And then figure out if your mind is the kind that says "stay dedicated and wait and see what happens to her" or the kind that says "this book is closed, I'll digest it and maybe open a new one."

 

[Krieg]

Ouch!

Whatever happened five years ago must've been one doozy..... and for her to escalate it beyond what it probably was.....

I was out of work for almost a year when we first moved in together, and the first couple of months I stayed in contact with a female friend. There was nothing going on with the friend (although in reality she was probably the backup plan) but my wife (gf at the time) had a lot of problems with it. She is also upset that she didn't meet my parents for the first year or so we were together and that she never met some of my old friends from the bar I used to work at. She is unwilling to accept that when I quit the bar I felt that I needed to make a clean break with everyone there as well so I could move forward in my life.

So therefore I am ashamed of her etc etc

Obviously it all goes much deeper than that but she honestly doesn't seem to have forgiven me for the old transgressions and it is all coming out again now.

Just make sure she doesn't leave you standing on the road in your skivvies with only a comb and toothbrush to your name....

Yep that is what I am making sure of right now, hence my concerns over her showing up at the house unannounced right now. Unfortunately I am seriously considering changing the locks.

Is there anyone who could act as a neutral party, other than the therapist? Someone to act as go-between?

Unfortunately we are beyond that. She is completely unwilling to work on anything at this point. She was scheduled to see the therapist yesterday (which would be her first appointment) and I am not quite sure that she went. When we talked about it she said that she would "see that b**** today and then never go back again" when I asked who she was referring to she replied "the therapist you are forcing me to go see"!

I have no power to force her to do anything, I originally asked her to go to try and work things out between us. Now I just hope she goes because things aren't going to get better for her until she works through some of her issues.

As far as I can tell, the best thing you can do is let her do what she feels she needs to do, and you do the same. Tell her that. "I know you're trying to do the best with everything that you can, and I want you to know that what you're doing isn't going to stop me from loving you. I won't stand in your way. I just want you to know that no matter how far down that path you run, all you need to do is turn around and take one step back, and I'll be there. I don't like this, but I respect your descisions."

That's pretty much how I am trying to handle it.

Even though we may be over, I am concerned about her well being and hope that maybe someday I will be able to help her through all of this.

And then figure out if your mind is the kind that says "stay dedicated and wait and see what happens to her" or the kind that says "this book is closed, I'll digest it and maybe open a new one."

Oh I am definitely the former but realistic enough to know that eventually I'm going to have to head on and become the latter.

The toughest part for me now isn't so much losing her (as hard as that is), but the fact that someone I care for very deeply is putting herself in an emotionally unhealthy position and is completely unwilling to deal with her problems.

I never thought it would get to where I was feeling sorry for her.

 

[Krieg]

Update:

Well my wife cancelled her appointment with the therapist on tuesday, although she did reschedule for next wednesday. The therapist isn't very optimistic that she will actually show for that one either.

 

[Darth K'Trava]

Update:

Well my wife cancelled her appointment with the therapist on tuesday, although she did reschedule for next wednesday. The therapist isn't very optimistic that she will actually show for that one either.

Right now, she probably figures that she doesn't need help. Just you. She thinks you're the epitome of evil right now.... :\ Maybe it might be best if she does do her own thing and let the dust "settle" before trying to talk things over with the therapist. The "wounds" are just too fresh, too raw right now for her, or you for that matter, to think straight.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Sorry to hear about your troubles, and I wish you the best going forward. Read your letter draft: sounds like one of the most mature, reasoned, respectful approaches to a chaotic and confusing situation I've heard about in a long time. I respect Darth K'Trava's suggestion to add something friendly and make it less harsh, but, frankly, I'd leave it like it is: honest and up front, not decorated with anything, just put the cards on the table. You got wounded about the cats, you're letting her know how you feel without couching it in any terms other than what it is. Being friendly is important in life, but friendly isn't going to suddenly change everything around, as if that's the thing it all hinges on. As you've said, the issues are deeper than that. Time to be honest, my opinion only, and worth what you paid for it.

Good luck, hang in there, get some time and space for yourself. The gym is good: nothing like a little physical exertion to help push through some of the mental and emotional gymnastics that goes on at a time like this. Those gymnastics are important, but it helps to have the balance of simple muscular development and cardio work to remind you of some of the most basic things: water, sun, sleep, food, and you're alive.

Take care, and thanks for serving.

Warrior Poet

 

[Krieg]

Right now, she probably figures that she doesn't need help. Just you.

Yep

She thinks you're the epitome of evil right now.... :\

Ain't that the truth.

Maybe it might be best if she does do her own thing and let the dust "settle" before trying to talk things over with the therapist. The "wounds" are just too fresh, too raw right now for her, or you for that matter, to think straight.

I agree with all of this 100%, the main issue for me is that she has moved in with a man that she works with. While that of course hurts me, I am more concerned about him taking advantage of her emotional state right now.

That's what is the hardest part for me to deal with.

Losing her I can live with, but knowing that she is making poor decisions that are going to cause her even more pain in the long run just tears me up inside.

 

[Krieg]

The gym is good: nothing like a little physical exertion to help push through some of the mental and emotional gymnastics that goes on at a time like this. Those gymnastics are important, but it helps to have the balance of simple muscular development and cardio work to remind you of some of the most basic things: water, sun, sleep, food, and you're alive.

Yes it is definitely time to get big again.

I have an open invitation to subcontract for Blackwater Security. Depending on how I feel in 3 months or so I may seriously considering picking up that option. Getting away from here for awhile & going someplace where I can focus on more immediate concerns has always been good for me.