How Dragonbane Pointed out the Clashing Desires of My Gaming Group

[Retreater]

Hey, I play with, GM for (at least in one campaign, played with her as GM) too. I just know it can sometimes be fraught.

In our conversation, my wife asked if she's a "bad player" - as if liking combat and butt kicking is a bad way to enjoy the hobby. Does she bring anything to the table? Does it matter that - while she loves playing - RPGs aren't her main hobby and she doesn't spend time on forums or reading rulebooks for fun?
I don't think any of those traits are "bad." I think she has difficulty understanding why I think about the hobby the way I do and the amount of effort it takes me to plan and coordinate these games.

 

[Spellslinging Sellsword]

In our conversation, my wife asked if she's a "bad player" - as if liking combat and butt kicking is a bad way to enjoy the hobby. Does she bring anything to the table? Does it matter that - while she loves playing - RPGs aren't her main hobby and she doesn't spend time on forums or reading rulebooks for fun?
I don't think any of those traits are "bad." I think she has difficulty understanding why I think about the hobby the way I do and the amount of effort it takes me to plan and coordinate these games.

My wife is very much all about combat and dislikes "roleplaying". I had her prep and run a session from one of the starter sets for me and our children which caused her to have a newfound appreciation for how much more effort it takes to be on the GM side.

 

[UngainlyTitan]

In our conversation, my wife asked if she's a "bad player" - as if liking combat and butt kicking is a bad way to enjoy the hobby. Does she bring anything to the table? Does it matter that - while she loves playing - RPGs aren't her main hobby and she doesn't spend time on forums or reading rulebooks for fun?
I don't think any of those traits are "bad." I think she has difficulty understanding why I think about the hobby the way I do and the amount of effort it takes me to plan and coordinate these games.

I agree with you, she is not a bad player but some times what players want and expect and what a DM wants and expects do not match.
I think I could be quite happy running a game for your wife and the more casual players on your group. I am pretty sure that you cannot get the game you have said you want with that group.
Now there are elements you have said that you desire (regarding combat and encounter design), that I have doubts about any system providing but I may be misunderstanding you.
But if you are going to run a game with these players then you need to match your expectation to what you have already experienced and ask yourself if that is ok.
You also need to find a way to work less and worry less about your preparation. I am pretty sure that much of that stress is you putting impossible expectations on yourself and on your game. Of course, it is easy for me to say don't worry so much, it does not matter than for you to convince yourself of that.

 

[Thomas Shey]

In our conversation, my wife asked if she's a "bad player" - as if liking combat and butt kicking is a bad way to enjoy the hobby. Does she bring anything to the table? Does it matter that - while she loves playing - RPGs aren't her main hobby and she doesn't spend time on forums or reading rulebooks for fun?
I don't think any of those traits are "bad." I think she has difficulty understanding why I think about the hobby the way I do and the amount of effort it takes me to plan and coordinate these games.

That's it; often GMs and individual players have perspectives that are different, sometimes significantly different, about how things should go. That doesn't automatically make either of them wrong, but it can create difficulties in coming to common ground.

When you're married to the other person in that exchange, however, it adds an extra level of--energy--to the process, because for better or worse we expect more of our spouses than we do of even friends, and even if you intellectually understand that doesn't really change the problem, it can feel more intense.

 

[Thomas Shey]

My wife is very much all about combat and dislikes "roleplaying". I had her prep and run a session from one of the starter sets for me and our children which caused her to have a newfound appreciation for how much more effort it takes to be on the GM side.

Yeah, we still have some disagreements that are kind of fundamental to how we see gaming, but it was very helpful for my wife to run the M&M campaign she did.

 

[Aldarc]

In our conversation, my wife asked if she's a "bad player" - as if liking combat and butt kicking is a bad way to enjoy the hobby. Does she bring anything to the table? Does it matter that - while she loves playing - RPGs aren't her main hobby and she doesn't spend time on forums or reading rulebooks for fun?
I don't think any of those traits are "bad." I think she has difficulty understanding why I think about the hobby the way I do and the amount of effort it takes me to plan and coordinate these games.

One of my friends occasionally had long shifts working in a second hand clothing shop dealing with lousy customers and an annoying boss. He would come into our game nights pretty tired, and he also often prepped food for our games as part of our weekly game nights hosted at his apartment. He played a ranger in our Pathfinder 1 game. After all that he did throughout the day, what he really wanted was just to shoot things with his bow, and that was perfectly fine. He enjoyed it, and we enjoyed his company and contributions.

 

[Theory of Games]

Anyways, when I post about being in a bad mood about gaming on here, this is why. Just the utter crushing feeling of running games for people who hate my concept of RPGs and don’t even appreciate when I suffer for months to run the games they prefer (like the 8-month 4E campaign). They won’t run them – and even if they did – I wouldn’t want to play them.

I did what you're doing ONCE. In high school because it was my first time playing ttrpgs and I didn't know better.

Now I know better: the GM runs what the GM likes. Period. As a GM I have dropped a group and had a newer, better group ready to run within a week. It is too much work setting up adventures and campaigns to deal with ingrates. They can get in line with what I'm doing or they can find another GM.

 

[Thomas Shey]

I don't know I'd do it for people who didn't appreciate it, but I'm not of the opinion "Its all about me and what I want" is exactly a great position for a GM to have, either.

 

[Warpiglet-7]

One of my friends occasionally had long shifts working in a second hand clothing shop dealing with lousy customers and an annoying boss. He would come into our game nights pretty tired, and he also often prepped food for our games as part of our weekly game nights hosted at his apartment. He played a ranger in our Pathfinder 1 game. After all that he did throughout the day, what he really wanted was just to shoot things with his bow, and that was perfectly fine. He enjoyed it, and we enjoyed his company and contributions.

I make no apologies about wanting to have battles in D&D either. It’s a totally valid part of the game. If not, wow, we are wasting a lot of trees!

I would say combat is my favorite part of the game. I have I think interesting characters and roleplay but love rolling my pink d20 a lot

 

[Retreater]

Hey, I enjoy battles and like a fast-paced game too. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I'm some major storyteller DM.
But there's things I'd like players to be able to do after 6+ months of play. For example,
1) Name one fellow party member. Maybe have an idea of how their character might behave in a given situation. ("Oh, that's Oswald Brummelbuck the halfling rogue. He's quick-witted but snarky with authority figures.")
2) Name a prominent location, such as the capital city they've been exploring for months.
3) Name an NPC connected to their character. (For example, a cleric able to name the high priest of their order.)
4) Have a general concept of the threat facing the setting. (Is there a necromancer releasing an undead pox on the land? High five if you can name the villain.)
5) If we're playing weekly, it would be awesome if someone could tell me the party's immediate goal. ("When we left, we were planning to investigate the thieves' guild.")