Into the New World - Recruitment OPEN (Current players stay OUT!)

[Voda Vosa]

Indeed. I feel like a little bean next that monumental story.

 

[Dire Lemming]

Told you it was too long. I couldn't even finish it, though it's almost done and I've already said how it ends. Maybe when I'm feeling less lazy...

Oh hey, do we have irigation?

 

[OnlytheStrong]

My story........is like a half sentence compared to that one! lol. It's good though.

 

[Dire Lemming]

Man, I wish I could find a point at which to break up that rediculous last paragraph... Anyone got some suggestions?

 

[Nightbreeze]

"Enko channeled the healing energy once more, and the wound on Eleinya’s leg shrunk to a scratch.////////////// Enko suddenly felt strange, as if he had lost something"

What would you say about here?

 

[Dire Lemming]

I'm not quite sure what you're asking. I would say that it would have looked better if I haded repeated Enko's name and I would also say that what the feeling he felt meant was that he had used up all his healing spells. Does this answer your question?

 

[Nightbreeze]

It wasn't a question, it was a reply: what would you say about breaking the paragraph there?

 

[James Heard]

Man, I wish I could find a point at which to break up that ridiculous last paragraph... Anyone got some suggestions?

Yes, you could break apart the dialogue. There's an awful lot of conversation in there that should be broken out into its own paragraphs every time a new speaker says something. That should break apart a lot of your larger paragraphs right there, and restructuring some of the others to collect similar information into little paragraphs spotlighting the information should help a lot of the rest.

I started pulling it apart and rewriting it without thinking about it earlier today. The only part I'm tripping over is the part where Enko and Ceryan don't know each other, and the whole town is smaller than the high school I graduated from and you say they're around the same age. Before they started on the "Who are you?" business it was easy to imagine that the reason Enko followed Ceryan into the Noonshadow was because they had some sort of history together.

Anyways, you can probably easily make out the bits I did a dash of rewrite on pretty easily, and one of the first things I did was begin breaking out the dialogue. Obviously I didn't finish it, but you can probably see how and what I was doing.

[sblock]Enko was born with the mark of the Blackfrond fern. Living in Cuirlen, he often travels to the outlying farms and hamlets to check on people. Coming across as somewhat timid, Enko actually has an aversion to conflict rather than a fear of pain or punishment. A compassionate young man, some have thought that his kind heart could easily lead him into trouble.

Enko's mother is a spirit talker, while his father and grandmother are hunters. Additionally, Enko has a younger sister who lives with the family still and an aunt who manages the small stretch of land behind their hut for harvestables. While generally decent folk, Enko's parents have always been extremely overprotective of him because of an episode of wandering off when he was just a toddler. Depite that fact, Enko has yet to build himself his own house or begin courting to start his own family.

When he was three years old Enko wandered into the Noonshadow. No one is quite sure how he survived, but they found him sleeping at its edge thirteen days later. After much discussion his survival was attributed to the little people in the forest though few were sure that this was in fact was true. In any case, it has apparently caused Enko some strife with his parents.

Ceryan was an boy who often played with Enko as child, as they were of a similar age. Unfortunately, only three years ago, Ceryan was exiled from the village for angering the spirits of the hunt. Claiming that his parents' deaths were to be blamed on the spirits, Ceryan turned his back on the spirits against the command of the tribal elders. Despite his obviously fragile temperament, the decision was made to exile the boy rather than allow him to anger the spirits of the hunt and bring down their anger upon the entire village. In the end, the boy went quietly, though there were tears in his eyes. As he ran into the forest as Enko watched him and his heart could not help but follow.

Deciding to follow the boy, Enko made his way into the forest. Aiding an exile was almost as bad as being an exile, but the boy was his friend and Enko simply could not help himself. As he passed the first tree he found to his surprise that the place was not anywhere near as dark and foreboding as his parents had made it out to be when he was a child. Enko decided that his parents had merely been exaggerating the dangers to scare him away. Enko sighed as he looked around for traces of the other boy's passing. Parents were an awful lot of trouble.

“What are you doing here?” called an angry voice to his left.

He turned to see the red eyes boy from before sitting hunched against the trunk of a nearby tree.

“I…” Enko started to reply, but trailed off as no words came to him.

“I know you… Blackfrond boy. You’re a spirit talker, your family has lots of furs and your mom is Niada of the Guiding Star. What are you doing here?”

“I’m… Enko.” Enko stuttered

“And I’m trash! They’ve thrown me to the wolves!” The boy shouted in return, his voice breaking.

“I don’t… no. Why would you not respect the spirits? You knew what would happen.”

The boy glared at him.

“Spirits!? What spirits!? The spirits my mother and father honored every day without fail until the day they were killed!? The spirits let them die!”

“No!” Enko shouted. “They did not abandon them!”

“Then why are they dead!?”

“They-….” Enko once again trailed off. The boy put his head down on his knees and started weeping quietly. It was clear that he did not even intend to try to survive. He had given up on everything.
“The spirits… they cannot always protect everyone. And that beast was a monster. Perhaps that beast’s spirit was stronger than the one protecting your parents… I… That monster is to blame for their deaths, but they have been avenged… You should be at peace.” The young man looked up, his eyes still wet.

“M- My name is Ceryan …” Enko nodded,

“Wait here, I’m going to get you some food and a branch you can make into a spear.”

“I can-“ Ceryan shouted, but Enko had already left. He returned quickly, hauling a sturdy tree branch with a freshly sharpened end and holding his shirt so that it formed a basket full of berries and mushrooms.

“These are the safe kind. You can tell because of the black rings on the trunk and the slits on the top. Don’t eat any other fungus. The only berries you have to watch out for are the bright red ones that shine in the darkness, and the green ones. The green ones aren’t ripe yet. Therefore the moon spirit shall protect you by showing you the bad berries. The pine spirit shall protect you from wolves, and the spirits of these berries and fungus shall protect you from starvation.” Ceryan stared up at him.

“Why are you…” now it was his turn to trail off.

“No one should die like this… but for the safety of everyone, those that do not respect the spirits, and incur their wrath, must be exiled.” Ceryan did not reply, he simply sat there with a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Don’t go too far into the woods, make a fire. I’ll try to come back tomorrow if I can.” Enko said, turning to leave. He knew that Ceryan already would have done those things. Everyone else seemed afraid of the forest. He didn’t know why, the only really dangerous things in here were wolves, and they usually avoided humans.

He carefully returned to town, and somehow made it back without being spotted, or so he thought. As he came around a building he nearly slammed into a girl who it seemed had been waiting for him, for she immediately reached out and grabbed him, saying in a quiet but urgent voice.

“You, you’re Enko Blackfrond! You followed him didn’t you?”

“I…” Enko said, a feeling of familiarity coming over him.

“I saw you! Did you find him? Is he alright?” She continued without even giving him a chance to answer.

“Eh… yeah, he’s fine… just, unwell in spirit. He blamed the spirits for his parent’s deaths, so he abandoned them… but I think he might understand now. Um, who are you?”

“I am… Eleinya…” The girl said, now that he wasn’t worried that she was going to pound on him or expose what he’d done he got a chance to look at her. She was dressed in mostly leather clothes, so perhaps she was a hunter. Like Ceryan’s parents… She had long brown hair that was tied back out of her eyes in a horse tail fashion, and she had a pretty, freckled face with dark brown eyes that bore same red marks around them that meant she had been crying recently. Eleinya continued speaking.
“You… said he understood… does that mean he can come back?” She asked him hopefully. “I don’t know… It’s up to the elders… but… I’ll try to convince them. Maybe because I am an apprentice spirit talker they will listen, but… well I’m only an apprentice.” As her face started to fall he quickly repeated, “But I’ll try!”

The next day he snuck out again to check on Ceryan, as he approached the point where he had left him the day before he found him kneeling over a dead wolf looking very distraught.

“Ceryan, is something the matter?” the other boy quickly looked up at the sound of his voice, fear evident in his eyes and voice.

“I- this wolf came at me from out of nowhere, I barely had time to reach my spear. It did not fear my fire, and look at it; it is far too healthy to need to hunt one of us.” Enko looked down at the wolf and saw that it had indeed been a healthy creature. Aside from the fatal wound in it’s side, it had no apparent injuries, and it looked like it had not lacked sustenance.

“This must be a trial by the spirits. B slaying this wolf you may have earned some repentance.” Ceryan shook his head.

“Or perhaps it was merely their first attempt to punish me for my betrayal…” Enko shook his head vigorously.

“No! You have shown your remorse, even as you spoke just now. You must not lose hope, if not for your own sake, then for the sake of one who loves you. Don’t let Eleinya mourn your death.”

Ceryan looked up at him in surprise.

“Eleinya!? You have spoken to her? How is she?” Enko smiled at Ceryan’s reaction, so there was indeed someone living who he truly cared about.

“She is fine, except that she worries for you. I believe that she hopes to see you again. Don’t you feel the same?”

Ceryan seemed taken aback by the question and quickly answered.

“Of course I do! But how am I supposed to do that? I am an Exile. My fate is to die out here.”
“Don’t say that. This wolf was a trial, please trust me. You must work hard to gain forgiveness and survive, and I will get the council to pardon you.” He left Ceryan to think over his word as he returned to town, carrying several bunches of herbs that he had collected, the supposed reason he had gone to the forest for any who didn’t know better.

On his return he again met Eleinya, and he related to her what he had seen of Ceryan and what they had spoken of. Seeing the hope and joy in her eyes strengthened his resolve and he told her that he would speak with the council that very day. Together they went to plead Ceryan’s case, pleading his case to the council members from Eleinya’s perspective and saying the he was surely repentant now. Enko told them that he had seen Ceryan performing a hunting ritual over a dead wolf while he was collecting herbs in the forest, which while not the entire truth, was in fact entirely true. In the end it was decided by the council that under one condition would Ceryan be allowed to return.

“It is most interesting that you have chosen to champion this boy’s cause. He is not much older than you, and he has taken to camping in the forest that once spared you as a child. Because of this, it has been decided that he may return to us as well if he can survive within the forest for thirteen days, starting from the day he was exiled.”

Neither Enko nor Eleinya were exactly ecstatic about this decision. Enko himself had trouble believing the story of his supposed abduction of return by the spirits of the forest. He had never encountered one since, after all. He told Eleinya that he would return to the forest tomorrow to tell Ceryan of the council’s decision, but she told him that she would go instead. Enko agreed, it would do Ceryan good to see her, and his parents did not like him going into the forest.

The days passed, and every day either Enko or Eleinya went into the forest to visit Ceryan. They learned that he had slain several more creatures that had attacked him without provocation, though now they approached him openly, calling out to him their aggression, as if they were challenging him. Enko read this as a sure sign that he was being tested, and encouraged him to continue fighting, paying respects to the spirits, and using the meat from the creatures that attacked him for sustenance.

By the twelfth day Ceryan would have been nearly unrecognizable. He had grown a surprising amount of facial hair, and the hair on his head was very long. He wore the skins of the animals that had been part of his trial as a sign of respect, and as protection from the claws of those that were to come, wearing the head of the wolf upon his own. He had also gained many wounds, but thanks to Enko’s birthmark, which Enko had taught him how to use, they had quickly become little more than scars. He wore each as a reminder of his folly, and what repentance was worth to him.

Enko came to him that day, reminding him that in only one day he could return. They both felt joyous on this occasion and even more so when Eleinya came and joined them. In fact, they lost track of just how long they had been there, they only noticed when the forest began to visibly darken. Ceryan looked around suddenly, looking worried.

“You must both leave now!” he said urgently. “The trial beast will come at any time now. I do not know what will happen if you are here when it arrives. You must hurry.”

The two of them were reluctant to leave him alone to whatever danger he would face, but he was insistent, and the urgency in his voice eventually convinced them. They turned to leave after bidding him farewell until the morning, and had only walked few paces when they hurt a sound that shook them both to the bone. The sound was akin to that of an angry bear, at least this is what Eleinya knew, but no bear could be this loud. They spun around and the land thing Enko heard was Eleinya’s yell of shock as something collided with him and everything went black.

He awoke to the sound of chirping birds in the dim morning light. For a moment he kept his eyes shut, feeling perfectly at peace. Then he felt the pain, it was in his left arm, mostly, he tried to move his arm, and the pain became considerably worse. His eyes shot open as the pain brought back memory, and with memory came fear. He looked around him and he saw to his right a massive creature, just, lying there. He had to find Ceryan and Eleinya, and make sure they were alright.

He tried to get up, but the pain shot through his arm again and he looked over at it. It did not look damaged aside from some small scrapes he could see as his sleeve had been pushed up, presumably when he was thrown, but he realized that along with the pain, there was a strange feeling in his shoulder. He tilted his head to look at it and became somewhat queasy, it was clear that the shoulder was broken, or at least dislocated.

Quickly he reached over with his right hand and concentrated hard. This was one of the most powerful forms of healing he had been taught, the ability to heal wounds with nothing more than the power of the spirits. In a matter of seconds, his arm was as good as new. It fact the pain he had felt all over his body was also gone. He felt as if he had just woken from a night’s sleep… which he actually had. He stood up and looked around, remembering the others. His eyes quickly locked onto Eleinya’s prostrate form.

She was lying face down on the ground; her hair had come loose and was splayed in every direction. Enko rushed to her side, to check her for wounds, and a few became immediately apparent. There were several puncture wounds on her back that appeared to be from sharp teeth, and part of her skirt had been torn away, revealing a long gash down her leg that looked like it was made by a large claw. He dropped down next to her and franticly checked for signs of life.

“Thank the spirits…” he muttered as he felt shallow breathes coming from her slightly open mouth, he was too relieved to consider which one in particular he should be thanking. Judging from the wounds on her back, she had been grabbed in the mouth of that massive beast. Enko carefully turned her onto her back, and found tooth marks there as well. Wounds like this were very dangerous. If they were deep enough they would not heal normally.

He once again channeled the pure healing energy of the spirits, this time into Eleinya’s body, and the wounds on her chest and back quickly healed. She gasped and regained consciousness, immediately wincing in pain. She looked around, saw him, and immediately yelled.

“Ceryan!?” He looked around him. “He must be around here. We need to look. Just let me heal your leg.” Enko channeled the healing energy once more, and the wound on Eleinya’s leg shrunk to a scratch. Enko suddenly felt strange, as if he had lost something.

It was not a horribly unpleasant feeling, but it was strange. Also, it was strange that the wound had not fully healed. He stood up looked around again.

“Um, come on. We need to find Ceryan.” Eleinya nodded, and he gave her a hand up. They walked towards the beast very carefully, and when she reached it they split to walk around either side of it. Enko soon realized that it was a bear. At least it would be a bear if not for its immense size and the strange boney protrusions sticking out of its fur at points. He made his way around to the other side and saw a sight that made his stomach jump nearly into his throat.

“Cer…” without even thinking to finish he rushed forward and fell onto his knees beside Ceryan. His right eye was nowhere to be seen, there was nothing left but an empty socket, and the res of him was not much better off. He had terrible wounds all over his body and both his legs looked broken.

“Ceryan…” Enko muttered, finding to his relief that he was breathing, though his breaths were ragged and weak. He once again channeled the healing energy of the spirits through his body into another person… but nothing came. He stared at his hands in disbelief, now when he needed it most, the power had somehow left him. He sat there speechless. Eleinya came around the other side of the beast and spotted them. She cried out Ceryan’s name and rushed to his side. Ceryan began to stir.

“Heal him!” Eleinya yelled urgently at Enko, as he continued staring blankly at his hands. “I- I can’t. It’s not working.”

“What do you mean!? Well then we have to take him back to town and get another healer!”

“N-no, his wounds are too grave, we cannot move him or he’ll surely die.”

“Well then, hurry! Go!” Enko started to rise, but then Ceryan let out a groan, and muttered.
“Eleinya?”

“Ceryan! Yes it’s me!” She replies, staring down at his face.

“I can’t… really… See you… Is Enko alright?”

“Yes, he’s fine. You saved us both.”

“Is… he here” “Yes, he’s just about to go get help.”

“Wait… I… need to… tell him…” Enko leaned in close to Ceryan and muttered. “I’m here.”

“G- good… Listen… I- *cough* need to thank… you… You’re the reason… I lived this… long out here.”

“Do not start saying goodbye, you shouldn’t try to speak! Just conserve your strength, I’ll get back soon, and you’ll be fine! You’ll see!”

“Enko…” Ceryan muttered, but Enko was already running back to town.[/sblock]

 

[OnlytheStrong]

Yeah, breakin up where different people speak would help out a ton. The town is small though isn't it? I thought I read in a post by Zurai that it was approximately 900 people. Could be wrong.

 

[James Heard]

Yeah, breakin up where different people speak would help out a ton. The town is small though isn't it? I thought I read in a post by Zurai that it was approximately 900 people. Could be wrong.

I don't think so. I really wasn't kidding when I said that it was likely everyone was a cousin of a sort to everyone else. It really shouldn't be a problem unless everyone makes a habit of it and people don't ply those traveling merchants with lots of booze when they come to town (and if nine months later every child in the village looks a little like Trader Bill then "Don't ask, don't tell.")