Married? Give me advice!
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Mercule
Adventurer
I feel like I've learned a few things after 10 years of marriage and a couple of kids.
The best advice I ever got was, "Love is not an emotion. It is an act of will." Sounds cryptic and cute, but it's very valid. You've made a decision that you will occasionally question. Not every moment will be a longing gaze. You will get madder at your spouse than you could have ever conceived of being at anyone. You've set a priority and you will be tested on it. You need to decide to stick with it. Period.
Always communicate with your spouse. There is an understanding among my friends that if the husband knows some secret, the wife will, too -- and vice versa. Anyone who objects to that can take a hike. Secrets poison both communication and trust. Avoid them, no matter what (surprise parties/gifts are the only exception to this). It doesn't matter whether your spouse find out about the secret or not -- it creates a divide in your mind and contributes to the way you think about your spouse.
Kids: If kids are ever part of the equation, you must place the marriage relationship as a higher priority than the parental relationship. The way a marriage functions impacts the way you raise your kids, and a good marriage can only help. Never ask the child, "What did your mother say?" Go find out yourself. Communicate about how you raise the kids. Be consistant between the two of you. A rule is a rule whether it's mom or dad talking. If you disagree with a call your spouse makes, talk about it in private afterwards. Let your kids see you kiss. Let your kids hear you compliment your spouse often. Let your kids hear you tell your spouse that you love him/her.
My wife and I sit down for about an hour every Sunday night and plan out our week. We are aware of what each other wants to get done and what our priorites (mutual and individual) are. We schedule time for us and for the kids (these two are too easy to forget while putting out fires). Time is scheduled for me to do my DM prep work. And time is allocated for whatever else may need to happen. I cannot recommend this enough. It's a time devoted to communication, planning, understanding, and prioritizing and that is the sort of thing that builds a strong marriage. My wife and I can always tell when we have missed a Sunday night plan because we just feel out of joint for the whole week and we have more fights.
Different people express love in different ways. Find out what makes your spouse feel loved and do it, no matter how forced it seems or how weird you think it is -- and do it joyfully and without resentment (remember "act of will"?). For example, my wife is huge on me helping around the house. I tend to be the sort of person who assumes people will ask if they want help. Not that I'm lazy, just that I'm naturally a "oh, she's got it handled" mentality if I see her working on something and expect to be left alone if I'm working on something. I've had to consciously change the way I think, just to be able to recognize ways I can lend a hand -- and it's paid off rather well. I'd recommend picking up the book "The Five Love Languages".
That brings up another good idea. Keep trying to learn more about how to strengthen your marriage. Especially, read some books about marriage. My wife and I have a shelf filled with books on marriage and we've read every book on it -- multiple times. Those books are highlighted, too -- actually I read them more actively than I did my college texts. It's not a marriage book, but Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" isn't a bad place to start -- and it has numerous other benefits. Make sure that anything you read shows respect to both members of a relationship -- if it tears down your spouse in any way, shape, or form, throw it in the trash.
A related caution. Never try to change your spouse. They are what they are, and you've agreed to love them that way. If something needs to change in your marriage, the only safe thing to change is you. Hopefully, your spouse is on board with the idea of actually working on your marriage, too. Oh, and I'm not saying that you should be a bootlicker, either, just that you should seek to hold up your end of the marriage as well as possible.
Finally, never say anything insulting to or about your spouse. Always, always, always build them up as much as you can. Whether you are speaking well or poorly of them, it will reflect similarly on you. And it will contribute to the way you think about them. This goes doubly for conversations you have with your kids (or your parents). Men should never call their wife, "The old lady", "the boss", or anything similar. Wives have similar expressions to avoid. And a want to deck anyone who talks about a "honey do list" -- you should be setting priorities as a couple.
Yeah, I talked about problems a lot. Mostly, marriage is fun, though. You'll figure most of that out on your own, though. Just treat your spouse like their are your center of gravity and you'll never lack for strength.
The best advice I ever got was, "Love is not an emotion. It is an act of will." Sounds cryptic and cute, but it's very valid. You've made a decision that you will occasionally question. Not every moment will be a longing gaze. You will get madder at your spouse than you could have ever conceived of being at anyone. You've set a priority and you will be tested on it. You need to decide to stick with it. Period.
Always communicate with your spouse. There is an understanding among my friends that if the husband knows some secret, the wife will, too -- and vice versa. Anyone who objects to that can take a hike. Secrets poison both communication and trust. Avoid them, no matter what (surprise parties/gifts are the only exception to this). It doesn't matter whether your spouse find out about the secret or not -- it creates a divide in your mind and contributes to the way you think about your spouse.
Kids: If kids are ever part of the equation, you must place the marriage relationship as a higher priority than the parental relationship. The way a marriage functions impacts the way you raise your kids, and a good marriage can only help. Never ask the child, "What did your mother say?" Go find out yourself. Communicate about how you raise the kids. Be consistant between the two of you. A rule is a rule whether it's mom or dad talking. If you disagree with a call your spouse makes, talk about it in private afterwards. Let your kids see you kiss. Let your kids hear you compliment your spouse often. Let your kids hear you tell your spouse that you love him/her.
My wife and I sit down for about an hour every Sunday night and plan out our week. We are aware of what each other wants to get done and what our priorites (mutual and individual) are. We schedule time for us and for the kids (these two are too easy to forget while putting out fires). Time is scheduled for me to do my DM prep work. And time is allocated for whatever else may need to happen. I cannot recommend this enough. It's a time devoted to communication, planning, understanding, and prioritizing and that is the sort of thing that builds a strong marriage. My wife and I can always tell when we have missed a Sunday night plan because we just feel out of joint for the whole week and we have more fights.
Different people express love in different ways. Find out what makes your spouse feel loved and do it, no matter how forced it seems or how weird you think it is -- and do it joyfully and without resentment (remember "act of will"?). For example, my wife is huge on me helping around the house. I tend to be the sort of person who assumes people will ask if they want help. Not that I'm lazy, just that I'm naturally a "oh, she's got it handled" mentality if I see her working on something and expect to be left alone if I'm working on something. I've had to consciously change the way I think, just to be able to recognize ways I can lend a hand -- and it's paid off rather well. I'd recommend picking up the book "The Five Love Languages".
That brings up another good idea. Keep trying to learn more about how to strengthen your marriage. Especially, read some books about marriage. My wife and I have a shelf filled with books on marriage and we've read every book on it -- multiple times. Those books are highlighted, too -- actually I read them more actively than I did my college texts. It's not a marriage book, but Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" isn't a bad place to start -- and it has numerous other benefits. Make sure that anything you read shows respect to both members of a relationship -- if it tears down your spouse in any way, shape, or form, throw it in the trash.
A related caution. Never try to change your spouse. They are what they are, and you've agreed to love them that way. If something needs to change in your marriage, the only safe thing to change is you. Hopefully, your spouse is on board with the idea of actually working on your marriage, too. Oh, and I'm not saying that you should be a bootlicker, either, just that you should seek to hold up your end of the marriage as well as possible.
Finally, never say anything insulting to or about your spouse. Always, always, always build them up as much as you can. Whether you are speaking well or poorly of them, it will reflect similarly on you. And it will contribute to the way you think about them. This goes doubly for conversations you have with your kids (or your parents). Men should never call their wife, "The old lady", "the boss", or anything similar. Wives have similar expressions to avoid. And a want to deck anyone who talks about a "honey do list" -- you should be setting priorities as a couple.
Yeah, I talked about problems a lot. Mostly, marriage is fun, though. You'll figure most of that out on your own, though. Just treat your spouse like their are your center of gravity and you'll never lack for strength.
Henry
Autoexreginated
All I can say is that most of this advice from my perspective is spot-on: I'm a veteran of 11 years of married bliss, myself. 
-Expect to fight.
-Expect to fight over trivial things as well as serious - chances are it's got something serious behind it.
-Never forget to love each other, and go out on dates.
-Love is an act of will (I like that, Mercule - quite profound, and I've heard it other ways, too).
-Be honest. Don't fret about a tiny lie here or there, but if it's something bigger than, "I love it when you leave the toilet seat up" or "I don't want to watch that movie", then talk to your spouse about it.
-Physical intimacy will cycle up and down as time goes on, given the hectic nature of real life. However, as long as you are mindful of it overall, you'll know if something's wrong or not.
-Expect to fight.
-Expect to fight over trivial things as well as serious - chances are it's got something serious behind it.
-Never forget to love each other, and go out on dates.
-Love is an act of will (I like that, Mercule - quite profound, and I've heard it other ways, too).
-Be honest. Don't fret about a tiny lie here or there, but if it's something bigger than, "I love it when you leave the toilet seat up" or "I don't want to watch that movie", then talk to your spouse about it.
-Physical intimacy will cycle up and down as time goes on, given the hectic nature of real life. However, as long as you are mindful of it overall, you'll know if something's wrong or not.
Abstraction
First Post
Split the housework. You each have your own chores to do. You then each have a choice. You can be happy with the way the other person does his/her chores, or you can do it yourself. There is no nagging somebody to do it right or, even worse, walking behind him/her and doing it over.
Yes, you know that you're right and he's wrong. Be the first to apologize anyway.
You do not have any entitlements. You are not entitled to have somebody else replace the toilet roll for you, or hang up your towel or do anything else for you. If you do need a favor, then a please and thank you will be required. Likewise, you are not entitled to take out any bad feelings on your mate, even if he/she is the cause.
Nobody will change for you. You can accept them for what they are, or don't. They may or may not change for themselves.
There is no such thing as saying "I love you" too much.
Do the thing that makes him/her really happy/content, and do it without being asked.
I disagree about the separate money thing. Let the person who needs to be involved in bill paying pay the bills and the other person not worry about it at all. I hand my check to my wife every week and let her sort it out. There is no reason two people need to stress and argue about bills.
Have a budget. Have allowances. Spend no money on eating out or entertainment unless it comes out of your allowance.
Yes, you know that you're right and he's wrong. Be the first to apologize anyway.
You do not have any entitlements. You are not entitled to have somebody else replace the toilet roll for you, or hang up your towel or do anything else for you. If you do need a favor, then a please and thank you will be required. Likewise, you are not entitled to take out any bad feelings on your mate, even if he/she is the cause.
Nobody will change for you. You can accept them for what they are, or don't. They may or may not change for themselves.
There is no such thing as saying "I love you" too much.
Do the thing that makes him/her really happy/content, and do it without being asked.
I disagree about the separate money thing. Let the person who needs to be involved in bill paying pay the bills and the other person not worry about it at all. I hand my check to my wife every week and let her sort it out. There is no reason two people need to stress and argue about bills.
Have a budget. Have allowances. Spend no money on eating out or entertainment unless it comes out of your allowance.
barsoomcore
Unattainable Ideal
Pretty much everything important has already been said, but I'll add one more comment:
Remind yourself that you wanted this, that you swore an oath to make this work. There was probably a really really good reason why you did that, and in those moments where you say to yourself, "What am I DOING?" (and those moments will come, I promise you), recall those reasons, and remember that they haven't gone away. Make it work. You'll be glad you did.
Remember also that your marriage, your relationship, is a thing in and of itself. It's not just you and your spouse: it's you, your spouse, and your marriage. Spend time on each one. Spend time on yourself and making sure you're happy and fulfilled and getting what you need. Spend time on your spouse and making sure they're happy and fulfilled and getting what they need. Spend time on your marriage and making sure it's happy and fulfilled and getting what it needs. Those are each different activities, and you've signed up for all of them.
Oh, and have fun. It's like playing D&D: If everybody's not having fun, you're doing it wrong.
Remind yourself that you wanted this, that you swore an oath to make this work. There was probably a really really good reason why you did that, and in those moments where you say to yourself, "What am I DOING?" (and those moments will come, I promise you), recall those reasons, and remember that they haven't gone away. Make it work. You'll be glad you did.
Remember also that your marriage, your relationship, is a thing in and of itself. It's not just you and your spouse: it's you, your spouse, and your marriage. Spend time on each one. Spend time on yourself and making sure you're happy and fulfilled and getting what you need. Spend time on your spouse and making sure they're happy and fulfilled and getting what they need. Spend time on your marriage and making sure it's happy and fulfilled and getting what it needs. Those are each different activities, and you've signed up for all of them.
Oh, and have fun. It's like playing D&D: If everybody's not having fun, you're doing it wrong.
Blue_Kryptonite
First Post
I'll echo that a lot of the above (silly Italians and Aussies aside ). I've been married for 20 years, and we're a very atypical couple. She's more the husband and I'm more the wife in all this. We're both Geeks and long term gamers. I'm the Picard fan, she prefers Kirk. I'm the narrator, she's the Hack and Slasher. She's also makeup-free and farm stock butch a lot of the time, coming from a similar incredible Pennsylvania Dutch family of strong women.
From our perspective, here's a few things I can spotlight:
- Sex. Once a month is OK. But foreplay is essential. Consider a week without sex OK, but only if it includes making out and heavy petting. Sex every day or more often is fine too, if schedule and health permit. There's no too much, and no too little if intamacy is maintained. Your honeymoon really never does have to end. Two decades with two teenaged kids here, and we still disgust them in public by holding hands, giggling, and sneaking kisses.
- Money. In our case, we've always had just one income. No three-checkbook system. Purchases are discussed openly, and decided upon together. The budget and bills are done as a couples activity.
- Personal Space and fights. The best advice: Get over it, after a bit. Make sure there's a place you retreat to with nothing he needs, and vice versa. Spell this out in advance. She goes to the bedroom when she's angry and reads or watches cable. She closes the door. When its open, we can talk. I stay here at my computer.
You don't have to be angry to be apart, just agree on a code word. "I'm going to be in my room" is a good one for her. If she says that, she just wants some quiet time, and I stay here. (The bedroom may not work if you keep up the laundry instead of having sort of folded bins of it by the couch like us. )
- Personal Interests. She's into reading romance novels with country music on. I'm into First-person shooters with some fairly hard metal on. We do not share these hobbies. Two pairs of headphones and we're ten feet from each other, enjoying our seperate hobbies together.
- Shared interests. You probably have this one down, since you ended up married. Take part of every day to do your things together. Even if its one TV show, or reading each other shared articles of common interest from your computers. Ours include those, as well as shopping, even without spending anything.
- In the end, all the marriages I've known that went as long as ours and longer seem to follow a recipie of one part best friend, one part lover, and never forgetting why you fell in love in the first place. If you can look at him every morning and always feel like you're seeing him for the first time again, if every kiss still has a small spark, you've got it.
Edit: An important one I let slip in the typing frenzy...
Rituals! Find something that you've done three or four times and that brings a smile. Make it a ritual. Assign the importance of ritual to it when you do it. If you don't do it on occasion, and this is important, realize you forgot to do it, and let yourself feel as happy and warm as if you had beacuse you usually do. We have dozens of tiny little meaningless rituals we do. They bring us closer together, even when we remember we forgot to do them.
). I've been married for 20 years, and we're a very atypical couple. She's more the husband and I'm more the wife in all this. We're both Geeks and long term gamers. I'm the Picard fan, she prefers Kirk. I'm the narrator, she's the Hack and Slasher. She's also makeup-free and farm stock butch a lot of the time, coming from a similar incredible Pennsylvania Dutch family of strong women. From our perspective, here's a few things I can spotlight:
- Sex. Once a month is OK. But foreplay is essential. Consider a week without sex OK, but only if it includes making out and heavy petting.
Sex every day or more often is fine too, if schedule and health permit. There's no too much, and no too little if intamacy is maintained. Your honeymoon really never does have to end. Two decades with two teenaged kids here, and we still disgust them in public by holding hands, giggling, and sneaking kisses. - Money. In our case, we've always had just one income. No three-checkbook system. Purchases are discussed openly, and decided upon together. The budget and bills are done as a couples activity.
- Personal Space and fights. The best advice: Get over it, after a bit. Make sure there's a place you retreat to with nothing he needs, and vice versa. Spell this out in advance. She goes to the bedroom when she's angry and reads or watches cable. She closes the door. When its open, we can talk. I stay here at my computer.
You don't have to be angry to be apart, just agree on a code word. "I'm going to be in my room" is a good one for her. If she says that, she just wants some quiet time, and I stay here. (The bedroom may not work if you keep up the laundry instead of having sort of folded bins of it by the couch like us.
)- Personal Interests. She's into reading romance novels with country music on. I'm into First-person shooters with some fairly hard metal on. We do not share these hobbies. Two pairs of headphones and we're ten feet from each other, enjoying our seperate hobbies together.
- Shared interests. You probably have this one down, since you ended up married. Take part of every day to do your things together. Even if its one TV show, or reading each other shared articles of common interest from your computers. Ours include those, as well as shopping, even without spending anything.
- In the end, all the marriages I've known that went as long as ours and longer seem to follow a recipie of one part best friend, one part lover, and never forgetting why you fell in love in the first place. If you can look at him every morning and always feel like you're seeing him for the first time again, if every kiss still has a small spark, you've got it.
Edit: An important one I let slip in the typing frenzy...
Rituals! Find something that you've done three or four times and that brings a smile. Make it a ritual. Assign the importance of ritual to it when you do it. If you don't do it on occasion, and this is important, realize you forgot to do it, and let yourself feel as happy and warm as if you had beacuse you usually do. We have dozens of tiny little meaningless rituals we do. They bring us closer together, even when we remember we forgot to do them.
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Rel
Liquid Awesome
Mercule said:
W3rd.
Another specific thing came to mind that my wife and I discussed recently: Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Always.
If you ask, "How about I cook pork chops for dinner tonight." and they respond, "I'm more in the mood for chicken I think." then it probably doesn't mean, "I think your cooking sucks and I never want to eat it again!" What it probably means is that they were just more in the mood for chicken. Consider that before you start an argument about how unappreciated you are. Even if you're in a bad mood.
And, speaking of bad moods, if you're in one then hopefully your spouse will do things to try and comfort and make you feel better. If they don't then it probably doesn't mean, "I really don't care much about you and you probably deserve to feel like crap right now and that's why I'm not comforting you." It probably means that they just haven't recognized that you need a little extra TLC right now. The best policy (IMHO) is, right when you walk in the door, say, "Well, I'm in a bad mood." You'll get a better resonse that way rather than relying upon the time tested (and failed) method of hoping they guess what you're thinking. In my experience, women do that a bit more often than men.
What we men do on the other hand is to utterly fail to understand the difference between when our wives want something fixed and when they just want us to listen. When they say, "The darn Check Engine Light came on in my car on the way home and I'm concerned." it probably means that they want that fixed. When they say, "My boss is treating me like crap.", the correct response is probably not "Well, I'll just go kill him then. Be right back." She probably just wants you to listen and not to try and fix it.
IMPORTANT ADDENDUM: If any or all of the advice in this thread doesn't seem to work for you and your marriage is otherwise happy, don't try and fix it. Gaming and marriage are very much alike in one respect - If everybody is having fun then you are not doing it "wrong". Don't let anyone else tell you differently.
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