Married? Give me advice!

[Thornir Alekeg]

As other said, most of the advice here is very good. As another 11 year veteran, I'll add that some of the advice that is put out as gospel; "NEVER do this, ALWAYS do that," may not be true for any one couple's marriage. Keep that in mind whenever someone is giving you advice on your marriage. What works for one couple may not work for you.

Unlike some people, in my marriage, the issue most fought over is not money, it is time. We don't keep separate accounts, money decisions are made together (my wife often deferring to me since I have a better sense for the budgeting, but I always explain the decision). But when it comes to time, especially now that we have kids, that is where the stress builds up. We both have so much to do, the kids need time, the house needs time, work, classes, there is little left for individual time and together time is often sacrificed for the greater need for sleep. We try and do something before it reaches critical mass, but sometimes things boil over.

Keep the communications going. Recognize that when one of you says something hurtful to the other, it is probably because they are having a bad day and try not to retaliate (if this happens all the time, then there may be other issues). Be sincere in apologizing and gracious in accepting apologies.

Oh, and I would disagree about Mercule's

Never ask the child, "What did your mother say?" Go find out yourself.

But that is another issue entirely.

 

[Olive]

Wow. That's a fair number of posts over night. Thanks for the advice guys.

This is pretty much what I already knew We've lived together for over three ears now, and marriage was about formalising a relationship that alrady existed for us. The main difference so far has been wearing a ring!

Hopefully the 4 year relationship I had prevously was the 'first marriage' TB and a few others said to use as practise!

Oh yeah, for the record I'm a guy. Olive is a fairly feminine name I guess, but I guess that's the problem with using your female character's name as a username.

 

[JoeBlank]

I started reading this thread with a lot to say, but so many have said it as well as I could, or better.

My situation is similar to yours in that we lived together for a few years before formalizing the situation. In our minds and hearts, we were already married, we just had a ceremony in front of our family, friends and God. Twelve plus years and three sons, still going strong.

A few points I picked up on that work for us: Eat dinner together, and turn the idiot box off. This is even more important if you have kids. It creates time for conversation and family togetherness.

Trust, and benefit of the doubt are biggies for us too.

And, as with all the people in your life of importance, express your love often, in words and otherwise.

Congrats and best of luck. I hereby decicate my 1000th post to all married EN Worlders, especially those who are taking the time to offer advice here. Marriage is a wonderful institution, enjoy it.

 

[Rel]

I figured I'd mention something that you didn't ask about, Olive, because I think it factors in heavily to the issue of marriage and having a stable, good one. What follows is purely my opinion but it is backed up by most of the people who I've discussed the issue with.

If you've been in a relationship with someone for a lengthy period (a couple years or more), whether you're living together or not, marriage is probably not a huge adjustment. Certainly there are some different considerations about things like how you handle finances and household chores and such. But the relationship is fundamentally similar to the way it was before.

What really takes an adjustment is having kids. All of a sudden you have this completely helpless person who relies upon you for EVERYTHING. And EVERYTHING is exactly what you seem to have less of too. Less time, less money, less patience and a hell of a lot less sleep. Fortunately (for the entire human race) babies are adorable and none is more adorable than your own. You will never love anything like you love that child. It is a soul-wrenching, terrifying kind of love for something that you simply cannot stand the thought of losing. And it is wonderful.

But it is also a stressor. That love and devotion you have for your child can also drive somewhat of a wedge between you and your spouse if you're not careful. Differences in the way you parent the child, differences in your hopes and dreams for the child and certainly differences in the way the child behaves toward you all seem to highlight the the ways you and your spouse are not alike. I won't write a book about it here but there are plenty of them out there on the subject.

This is the point where some of the earlier advice by Mercule really rings true. You have got to figure out a way to keep your marital relationship with your spouse foremost with all of the other pressures that having a child entail. If you lose sight of the original relationship that your children sprang from (and, as barsoomcore said, it is a thing unto itself) then it will wither and die and it is a hell of a lot more difficult to bring it back from the dead later than it is to do some preventive maintenance on it now.

I've navigated these tricky waters myself over the last few years and my wife and I have managed to come out of the whole thing intact if not unscathed. Our marriage is as happy now as it ever has been and our cup truly doth runneth over. But I wish somebody had pounded this point home with me so I had been a bit more careful along the way.

 

[Turanil]

Hum, strangely enough, in reading all the good advice given in this thread, I realize that I want to never get married again. NEVER!



(Sex only once per month? Tssss... :\ )

 

[barsoomcore]

I never want to get married again, either. I mean, ONE wife is quite enough, I think.

 

[Plane Sailing]

I particularly endorse Rel's points about children.

One of the things that I think it was most important for me to realise is that Jo and I don't necessarily think the same way.

It looks really obvious when I write it down, but honestly, there are all kinds of things where I assumed that she would think or act in a similar way to me (without thinking about it) and vice versa. Some might think it hackneyed, but we both found John Grays book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" a real eye-opener about how the other sex thinks... we might not even have got through the engagement without some of the help in there!

Anyway, best wishes mate!

 

[Queen_Dopplepopolis]

Congratulations!

The advice I can give you in just to Love each other... big L. Tell her you Love her as often as possible - email, call, text message, anything. It's important. Talk to each other all the time. When you lay in bed at night, snuggle... the naked sleeping is really a plus, too.

Those are the little things that I really enjoy about my marriage... at least the ones that I am most appreciative of this evening.

 

[Jedidiah]

Things to know about marriage from a guy who has been happily married for 15 years now:

1. Women are crazy. Deal with it. If they say they have a problem, that doesn't mean they want you to solve it. They just want to talk about it. They can be jealous, you can't. Mood swings are natural.

2. You are not in charge. Yes, this means you have put an insane person in charge of your life, but tough crap - you're married now.

3. It is the husbands job to resolve conflict in the marriage. It matters not one bit who was right and who was wrong. You said something, did something, thought something that was wrong so go ahead and say you are sorry. Try to do it sooner rather than later so conflicts don't get out of hand.

4. Stay in love with your wife. This doesn't mean some mealy romantic, giggly, weak knees love. But a real love that says you want to be with her forever, through the crap and through the good times. It takes work!

5. Keep your pants zipped. Don't cheat on your wife. Don't put yourself in situations where you might be tempted to cheat. Don't let yourself get into a position that could be miscontrued as cheating. Never (if at all possible) be alone with a female other than your wife in a car, over a meal, or any other place. In my line of work this is not always possible but I always make sure my wife knows where I am and who I am with so there is no possibility of a misunderstanding. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL!

 

[Olive]

Never (if at all possible) be alone with a female other than your wife in a car, over a meal, or any other place.

Have ypu cnsidered the idea that your wife miht be crazy rather than women in general? I have piles of female friends, and my partner has never even voiced the idea that I might be cheating onher with anyone of them.