Kai Lord
Hero
http://www.dvdtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=346278&perpage=25&pagenumber=16
LUCASLAND, CA—FEBRUARY 11, 2004—Lucasfilm announced today that the Star Wars Trilogy—Special Edition, will be released on DVD later this year. However, much to the dismay of the fans responsible for making Lucas his millions, the original theatrical releases of the Star Wars Trilogy—the classic versions of the films that were actually respected in the film community and got Lord Lucas to the position he’s in today—will never appear on DVD. No, Lucas has completely forgotten where he came from, ignoring not only his fan base but also the hard work of the groundbreaking effects crew that worked on the original films. All their blood, sweat and tears have been forgotten, passed over in favor of computer generated shots that not only look out of place and interrupt the flow of the films, but also quite often make absolutely no sense. And because Lucas places such a high value his “artistic rights,” he’s also decided to add more new footage to the existing Special Editions! The result will be The Star Wars Trilogy—The Ultra, Deluxe, Expanded, Soulless Edition. The following is an exclusive synopsis of the scenes that have either been added or enhanced:
A New Hope:
The Death Star Shoots First
Lucas has said many times over the years he’s grown concerned that destroying the Death Star unprovoked makes Luke look like a cold-blooded killer. In the new edition, the Death Star will fire at the Rebel Base first. Only after the shot—which was fired at pointblank range—inexplicably misses, does Luke fire his own torpedoes to destroy the battle station. The Death Star will be CGI.
The Award Ceremony
Not only will Chewbacca receive a medal for his assistance in the Battle of Yavin, but so will anyone else who helped Luke throughout the course of the film. We will see Leia first give herself a medal, then Han, Luke and Chewie, followed by the droids, Wedge, the charred corpses of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, and the guy that helped fit R2-D2 into the droid socket of Luke’s X-Wing Fighter. Again, all characters will be CGI.
Tusken Raider Attack
Because there are now only 16 people in the Star Wars Universe, a scene will be added explaining that the (CGI!) Tusken Raider who attacked Luke did so because his father was killed during Anakin’s rampage on the Tusken Camp in Attack of the Clones. C-3PO will translate his dialogue: “Hello, my name is Sav’ge Killr. Your father killed my father. Prepare to die!”
Han Solo in the Death Star Corridor
When Han chases the Stormtroopers down the Death Star corridor, he not only runs into a full platoon of them, but also Darth Vader, the Emperor, a squadron of AT-ATs, Genghis Khan, and a group of disgruntled postal workers. Not one of them manages to shoot him as he turns to run the other way.
The Empire Strikes Back:
R2-D2 & The Dagobah Swamp
Instead of falling into the bog on Dagobah and getting swallowed by an unseen swamp creature, Lucas will avoid any possible sexual overtones by having R2 use his super-cool rocket thrusters to fly safely to shore.
Luke’s Fall
A change will be made to the Special Edition scene where Luke chooses certain death over joining Darth Vader…and then proceeds to scream like a girl. Since Lucas already used the Emperor’s scream from Return of the Jedi for the change in the Special Edition, he’s decided to go all the way and actually replace Luke’s fall with the shot of the Emperor falling down the Death Star shaft. While this change will make absolutely no sense to the audience, Mr. Lucas claims he has an “artist’s right” to do so.
Vader’s Shuttle
Even more urgency will be sucked out of the scene where Vader returns to his ship to retrieve Luke from underneath Cloud City. In addition to the all important “Inform my Star Destroyer to prepare for my arrival” line that was so key to improving the scene in the Special Edition, the new scene will have Vader add “I’d also like my slippers, a beer, the March edition of Playboy, and some ointment because Luke really hurt my shoulder when he nicked me with his lightsaber.” Accompanying CGI footage will follow.
Return of the Jedi:
The Dance Number:
The fabulous dance number in Jabba’s Palace will be enhanced by the addition of Justin Timberlake, who will end the routine by ripping off Yarna’s top and exposing her six boobs.
Obi-Wan Discusses Anakin
Obi-Wan’s conversation on Dagobah with Luke about Anakin Skywalker has been re-recorded to better recount the events of Episode I: The Phantom Menace. The new scene will sound something like this: “Anakin, was never really a good friend, more like someone I put up with because I promised my hippie mentor I would. When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot, one who could destroy entire space stations by accident! I was never so much amazed at how strongly the Force was with him as I was frightened that this little brat was friggin’ dangerous. But a promise is a promise, so I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda, who warned me from day one that he shouldn’t be trained. So when you think about it this whole thing is really all his fault because he gave me permission even though he knew the kid was on the edge. Oh, and Leia’s your sister.”
LUCASLAND, CA—FEBRUARY 11, 2004—Lucasfilm announced today that the Star Wars Trilogy—Special Edition, will be released on DVD later this year. However, much to the dismay of the fans responsible for making Lucas his millions, the original theatrical releases of the Star Wars Trilogy—the classic versions of the films that were actually respected in the film community and got Lord Lucas to the position he’s in today—will never appear on DVD. No, Lucas has completely forgotten where he came from, ignoring not only his fan base but also the hard work of the groundbreaking effects crew that worked on the original films. All their blood, sweat and tears have been forgotten, passed over in favor of computer generated shots that not only look out of place and interrupt the flow of the films, but also quite often make absolutely no sense. And because Lucas places such a high value his “artistic rights,” he’s also decided to add more new footage to the existing Special Editions! The result will be The Star Wars Trilogy—The Ultra, Deluxe, Expanded, Soulless Edition. The following is an exclusive synopsis of the scenes that have either been added or enhanced:
A New Hope:
The Death Star Shoots First
Lucas has said many times over the years he’s grown concerned that destroying the Death Star unprovoked makes Luke look like a cold-blooded killer. In the new edition, the Death Star will fire at the Rebel Base first. Only after the shot—which was fired at pointblank range—inexplicably misses, does Luke fire his own torpedoes to destroy the battle station. The Death Star will be CGI.
The Award Ceremony
Not only will Chewbacca receive a medal for his assistance in the Battle of Yavin, but so will anyone else who helped Luke throughout the course of the film. We will see Leia first give herself a medal, then Han, Luke and Chewie, followed by the droids, Wedge, the charred corpses of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, and the guy that helped fit R2-D2 into the droid socket of Luke’s X-Wing Fighter. Again, all characters will be CGI.
Tusken Raider Attack
Because there are now only 16 people in the Star Wars Universe, a scene will be added explaining that the (CGI!) Tusken Raider who attacked Luke did so because his father was killed during Anakin’s rampage on the Tusken Camp in Attack of the Clones. C-3PO will translate his dialogue: “Hello, my name is Sav’ge Killr. Your father killed my father. Prepare to die!”
Han Solo in the Death Star Corridor
When Han chases the Stormtroopers down the Death Star corridor, he not only runs into a full platoon of them, but also Darth Vader, the Emperor, a squadron of AT-ATs, Genghis Khan, and a group of disgruntled postal workers. Not one of them manages to shoot him as he turns to run the other way.
The Empire Strikes Back:
R2-D2 & The Dagobah Swamp
Instead of falling into the bog on Dagobah and getting swallowed by an unseen swamp creature, Lucas will avoid any possible sexual overtones by having R2 use his super-cool rocket thrusters to fly safely to shore.
Luke’s Fall
A change will be made to the Special Edition scene where Luke chooses certain death over joining Darth Vader…and then proceeds to scream like a girl. Since Lucas already used the Emperor’s scream from Return of the Jedi for the change in the Special Edition, he’s decided to go all the way and actually replace Luke’s fall with the shot of the Emperor falling down the Death Star shaft. While this change will make absolutely no sense to the audience, Mr. Lucas claims he has an “artist’s right” to do so.
Vader’s Shuttle
Even more urgency will be sucked out of the scene where Vader returns to his ship to retrieve Luke from underneath Cloud City. In addition to the all important “Inform my Star Destroyer to prepare for my arrival” line that was so key to improving the scene in the Special Edition, the new scene will have Vader add “I’d also like my slippers, a beer, the March edition of Playboy, and some ointment because Luke really hurt my shoulder when he nicked me with his lightsaber.” Accompanying CGI footage will follow.
Return of the Jedi:
The Dance Number:
The fabulous dance number in Jabba’s Palace will be enhanced by the addition of Justin Timberlake, who will end the routine by ripping off Yarna’s top and exposing her six boobs.
Obi-Wan Discusses Anakin
Obi-Wan’s conversation on Dagobah with Luke about Anakin Skywalker has been re-recorded to better recount the events of Episode I: The Phantom Menace. The new scene will sound something like this: “Anakin, was never really a good friend, more like someone I put up with because I promised my hippie mentor I would. When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot, one who could destroy entire space stations by accident! I was never so much amazed at how strongly the Force was with him as I was frightened that this little brat was friggin’ dangerous. But a promise is a promise, so I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda, who warned me from day one that he shouldn’t be trained. So when you think about it this whole thing is really all his fault because he gave me permission even though he knew the kid was on the edge. Oh, and Leia’s your sister.”
