An Open Letter to Tasha's Pizzeria of Everything
To: The Staff and Patrons of Tasha's Pizzeria of Everything
From: CleverNickName, Concerned Citizen
Date: September 29, 2023
Subj: Help Please
I hate pineapple, especially on a pizza. The mere idea is so foreign to me, so alien. It's like a Lovecraftian horror: I cannot understand it, I cannot fathom it, and all my attempts to do so push me to the edge of madness. Yet, it is my understanding that an abundance of people order pineapple on their pizzas at your establishment. They do this deliberately, with malice and intent. Thanks to my public awareness campaign over the summer--you might remember the fliers I posted up everywhere, or perhaps you attended one of my curbside rallies--I'm confident that everyone in the community knows my feelings on this matter. Yet they do not relent.
That is why I need your help.
Every time I approach this issue, plenty of people agree with me but an unacceptable number of them dismiss me out of hand. I'll try to share my 84,000-word essay on the topic, but I'll barely get past the thesis statement before they walk away. "Dude, let people enjoy stuff," they might say, if they're feeling generous, or "You can order pizzas without pineapple on them," or "let it go CleverNick, you're ruining your blood pressure." I guess some people are content to live in ignorance, unwilling to see how badly the legacy of pizza has been tarnished. Or perhaps it's out of fear: they are too afraid to upset the status quo in favor of better--nay, objectively superior--products. I know I sound bitter, but it's really sadness that weighs so heavy upon my heart. If only they could see the truth.
I've tried to help. I went through great pain and difficulty to genetically modify the odious pineapple into a fruit with the same taste, appearance, aroma, and texture of pepperoni. Then I went above-and-beyond, and generously shared the CRISPR-Cas9 sequences for folks to replicate their own 'pineapperoni' results at home. Plus, it's vegan! Did they hail me as a hero? Did they give me the key to the city? Did they even thank me? No! "An unholy abomination," they called it. "Meat shouldn't grow on trees," "a complicated solution in search of a problem," "what the f-- is wrong with you?", I've heard it all.
Alas, despite all my noble efforts to raise awareness and provide alternatives, there remains an unacceptably large number of people in the world who consume pineapple as a pizza topping. I see them in your shop every day, through my high-powered binoculars in the unmarked van down the street (which is parked 1500 feet away, per the requirements set forth in the restraining order.) I am appealing to you now as a fellow citizen, a fellow American, a fellow human being, to please stop contributing to the erosion of pizza's noble legacy. Please remove the dreaded pineapple from your menu. Providing it even as an option to your customers gives it a veil of legitimacy. By including pineapple as a valid option alongside pepperoni and sausage, you are lending credence to it, you are suggesting that it somehow belongs. As a modern torchbearer of the noble tradition of pizza, surely you can understand why this is an affront to all of the sensible people who love real, honest, and true pizzas.
Thank you for your consideration.
-CleverNickName
Concerned Citizen
