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Those funny n00bies


New gamers are a constant source of joy for me. I love seeing people new to gaming have those "aha!" moments, and I think everyone likes to see the look on a person's face the first time they lay some smackdown on a baddie. But what I like most are the completely silly things first time gamers say.

Let me give you an example: one person in our gaming group came to gaming via Vampire, MET, and the like. As a result, she got used to the, er, adversarial feel of White Wolf's MET games. So, while teamwork wasn't foreign to her, it wasn't exactly old hat either.

Anyway, the first time she gamed she got the traditional "you meet in a tavern" intro. During a lull in the roleplay, well let me quote it for you.

DM: "The last thug falls to the ground with a thud. The rest of the crowd is giving the rest of you a wide berth."


Newbie Player: "So is this the part where we all band together?"


*Much laughter*

Anyway, enough about us - what funny things have you heard come out of n00bs' mouths?

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First Post
Yeah, that Aurora, constant source of gaming amusement in the early days. "Much laughter" doesn't do the moment justice. :D


First Post
Best newbie moment I remember is from a 2e game I ran for some friends back in India. They were all fans of fantasy but had never played D&D, so there were some great lines and moments, simply because they had completely different expectations to more experienced players. But the best of the lot was...

Situation: The PCs, exploring an underground complex and having fought off some baddies, manage to find a secret way into their treasure chamber. Once inside, they grab as much loot as they can and also don all the magical armor, clothing, etc. The elven fighter/wizard puts on a cloak. Then, for some strange reason, they leave through the front door and not the secret tunnel they came in through.

As the elf, who takes the lead, steps out, he finds themselves facing the two bugbears guarding the room. I describe the creatures in loving detail, and the players, none of whom has ever encountered one, start to look very worried.

When the bugbears attack, one swings his flail at the elf. The cloak had improved his AC by a point, which was precisely enough to miss, so I describe it as follows: "The snarling creature swings at you with his flail and, even though you fail to dodge the blow, it bounces off your new cloak.

Newbie player: Yes! This is awesome! I fling my arms wide and shout, "I am INVULNERABLE!"

Me: O-kay! Now the other creature attacks. *roll a critical* And you take 14 pts of damage.

Newbie: WHAT?!

Other Newbies: *snickering*

Me: You have 6 hit pts, right?

Newbie: Um, yeah. But I thought ... I mean ... doesn't that cloak make me invulnerable?

Me: Not so much. (Addressing the group) As he pronounces his invulnerability, the second flail slams into his chest, taking him off his feet and depositing him in a bleeding and unconscious heap against the wall.

Newbie: *swearing*

Other players: *fall off bed laughing*


Aurora said:
I hate both of you.

I will never live that down. Not ever. LOL As well I probably shouldn't.
Don't feel bad, at least you recognized the moment, when it arrived. Some don't.

My personal fave: "I cast Darkness at the Magic Missile", followed by several minutes of confusion before the rest of us could catch our breaths enough to explain the reference to the guy who had uttered it...


First Post
That is funny. More importantly, I dont suppose all these Dayton players could use one more? Ive been looking for a group as mine disbanded.


My favorite newbie moment came from a player who was used to playing D&D being introduced to Champions. Her character, a teleporting brick popped up in front of a fairly normal thug, and let go on him full force. While she didn't critically injure him, she did roll amazingly well on her knockback roll and sent him flying about thirty feet. The player went into a full-on panic, babbling, "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...I didn't kill him did I? Tell me I didn't kill him!

It was a thing of beauty.


First Post
During a BBEG fight with a very eclectic party, a new player indirectly caused the killing blow to be struck.

Newbie: "So, the Kobold Swashbuckler can't move because he's out of strength? Well, doesn't Enlarge Person make you stronger? Why don't you just enlarge the kobold?"

Me: *stare at kobold player*

Kobold player: *stare at me*

Us: "Why didn't we think of that?"

BBEG One round later: "ARRGGH!" *Death Rattle*

This was actually my wife. We were playing Vampire: The Masquerade live. She had too much to drink as did another woman. The other woman was playing a werewolf that was coming to a "secret" meeting of Princes and trusted vampires.

The "werewolf turned to her and shouted "You are a bitch and I hate you."

my wife was almost in tears on the way home. The fine line between role playing and real life was blurred that night.

New rule- no alcohol for Vampire: masquerade.


First Post
Ahh...good ole Max. We roped him into playing Mage: The Ascension, though, he was a bit reluctant.

He'd played a little bit of Vampire in a LARP, but it wasn't a good experience because of who was running it and how it was run, very combat oriented. Now, our group was very roleplaying oriented, we figured Max would have fun (and he did).

So, we show up at this service station that we are about 90% sure has mob ties and can answer some important questions for us. So, I'm ready to employ some convincing tactics, con the info out of the guy, augment this with a touch of mind magic, etc.

We ask our first question and the guy gives a smart a** response.

Without missing a beat Max says, "I totally shoot this guy in the face."...and starts digging out his dice to roll. Hehe, we had to calm him down and get through to him that this is Mage and we're not going to "totally shoot people in the face" unless it's the last resort.

He backed down...however, there were opportunities for combat later. And from then on, Max's tag line was....I totally shoot that guy in the face.

It was great...to this day I drop that line sometimes and chuckle.



First Post
Not a new gamer, but player A was relatively new to my 1st edition D&D campaign. Player B was in my campaign for the first time that day. They were playing a sort of sherrif's force out patrolling when they encountered orcs. Player B sees the orcs first (Ranger) draws his bow and fires. I knew Player A was getting the hang of the setting when he shouted 'No!" Player B looks at him and says" what they're orcs!?!" and of course his attack roll comes up as a critical hit. I explain that the orc is just standing there with blood shooting out of his throat. He falls a couple segments later as characters are jockying for position. ...turned out the orc patrol was out trying to round up stragglers from a recent war party and get them home before they screwed up a tenuous truce, now significantly more tenuous.

Anyway, I guess you'd have to have been there, but the look on Player As face as he shouts 'no' and Player B is looking right back at him like he's crazy.

Hmm. My current D&D party of 5 people started at our high school. Originally there were 12 people total, but most of them dropped out after the first humiliating character death. Everybody had been roleplaying since before the age of ten but only one person had ever played D&D (and his father was among the earliest to play chainmail, he lived a couple miles from Gary Gyrax and his entire family played D&D so this kid has a LOT of experiance.) So as a result there were some fun situations. But to slim it down to one noob moment I would have to say that it was our first mage.

DM: The giant frog launches his tounge at you and..(roll behind DM screen) you are stuck to the tounge.
Player 1: I stab the frog with my broadsword (rolls)
DM: It dies.
Player 2: I throw the frog into the nearby lake
Player 3 (orc): Wait, I stop him and bite off a piece of the frog then help him throw it into the lake.
DM: Oh? You sure about that?
Experianced Player: -laughs-
Player 2 & 3: Yeah, we throw it in and leave.
half an hour later
DM: You notice you are missing a certain mage. You remember he was attached to the frog you threw in the river.

Curious thing about that one; the mage had forgotten to buy clothes. Every single mage we had in that party for the next 3/4 of a year forgot to buy clothes.


First Post
CrimsonWineGlass said:
Curious thing about that one; the mage had forgotten to buy clothes. Every single mage we had in that party for the next 3/4 of a year forgot to buy clothes.
I was under the impression that you got a traveller's outfit free at character creation... wait, what edition was this?


First Post
When we introduced myfriend Mike, we were nuts about the new 2e Skills and Powers set. I loaned the book to Mike, who gave it a quick read.

When he made his character, he played an elven mage, at first level. He spent points to make sure that his character could use a sword, though. And he bought a variety of weird skills.

The session involved evading an orc war party that was in the forest, and the group was doing a pretty good job. They were being chased by a mounted party of goblins, and were running uphill to a defensible position. Suddenly, Mike's elf turns around and draws his sword. The whole group was stuck in a fight against a more mobile enemy in poor ground to fight on - much of the group was seriously wounded, although the mage got off fine. Afterwards, we reminded Mike that mage's shouldn't use swords unless it's last resort - "Mike, you didn't even cast a spell!"

"Oh, yeah.... right."

Later, one of the characters was knocked to negatives by an arrow. The fight was still going on, but the cleric ran to heal his downed companion. The mage beat him there, though, and pushed the cleric out of the way. "I have a healing skill!" Mike said.

The Cleric's player tried to explain that Healing skill wasn't as good as Cure Light Wounds, but Mike would hear none of it. He tried to heal the character, and failed. The Cleric pushed the mage out of the way, saying "I'm a healer. Why don't you go cast some spells?" or something to that effect.

After the fight, we looked at Mike. "You should be casting spells in combat, Mike. Let the healer do the healing."

In fact, at one point, we even offered to let him change classes, since he seemed to focus on combat so much. Play a fighter or something. But: "no, I want to be a wizard".

This pattern carried on throughout the session. The group would be about to do something when the elf would draw his blade and lead the fight into a combat that they probably should have avoided (this was an evasion-based adventure, not a combat one!). Several times, the group rolled their eyes and realized that Mike was going to get them all killed.

It came to an end when I described that the group could see the campfire of an orc party in the woods nearby. They decided to go investigate. When they get close, they see perhaps fifteen orcs sitting around a large fire.

"I'm going to sneak into the camp" Mike says, just before the group's ROGUE was about to say the same thing.

"That might not be a smart idea" I said, slowly.

"Why not? It says on my character sheet that I have 'Stealth'". (Ah... 2e!)

"It's not the same... you should probably let the-"

"I'm sneaking in."

So, the Mage sneaks into the camp, making his way into the orc chieftain's tent. Meanwhile, the Rogue is lurking at the edges, doing a fine job with his hide in shadows rolls. Then, the inevitable happens: the mage is spotted by an orc.

Rather than casting a spell that would take the orc out, he draws his sword. Of course, the Orc just laughs, punches the Mage in the face, and drags his limp body out to his friends.

"Look what I've found. That scrawny little runt we've been looking for!" he says. The rest of the orcs begin to gang up on the mage, taking turns punching him, and kicking his limp body.

Mike looks towards the rest of the group. "Aren't you guys going to help me?"

The rest of the group are laughing their butts off. "Hell, no. We'd rather watch." They're laughing even harder when the orc chieftain busts the elf's wrists so he can't cast any spells (like that'd happen!) and the orc party throws his unconscious body on the fire. Meanwhile, the group's rogue is busy looting the orc chieftain's tent, when one of the players reminds him "make sure you grab Mike's spellbook - we could sell it to a mage who will actually use it!"

In that whole eight hour session, the mage didn't cast a single spell!


Mike played with us for another two years or so, and he became a fairly strong player, but he never lived down his experience as the Elven Mage with a sword.


First Post
First session, still teaching everyone how to play (this was in August 06).

DM: You all stand in front of the local Tavern, The Starving Stirge, exausted from today's adventure.
Player1: I check for traps
*Everyone laughs*
*rolls 1*
DM:You find a tavern.
Player1: Oh a tavern, I thought you said cavern. *whispers to player2* whats a tavern?


Me: Okay, for your stats, you need to roll 4d6 (pronouncing it four-dee-six).

n00b: Uh, okay, what should I roll?

Me: ...?

n00b: To roll forty-six? What dice should I roll?

Me: ...huh? OH! Uh, no you need to roll four six-sided dice.

I've almost forgotten that dee-twenty isn't in the dictionary. :)


First Post
CrimsonWineGlass said:
But to slim it down to one noob moment I would have to say that it was our first mage.


DM: You notice you are missing a certain mage. You remember he was attached to the frog you threw in the river.

That falls under really dumb DM moments for me. Sure, the players may have forgotten it, but the characters are standing right next to the dead frog and the character stuck to its tongue. Assuming that the characters don't notice it because the players, who can't actually see it, don't is taking LARPing to a whole new level!