Why do women send mixed signals?

[Aus_Snow]

Update on the girl in question. She emailed me and told me that she met someone else and wanted to see how it would go. If she just told me this in the first place, it would have been cool. Why did she feel the need to lie?

Either to spare your feelings, or to play it both ways and see which one was more appealing (for whatever reasons), I'd say.

I am more hurt by people that lie then the fact she might see someone else. Her lose, I won't call her again.

So you are hurt by *all* people a lot of the time? That's a world of pain you've settled for there.

So when my boss asks me if I got done with that project when I'm not even half done I should say "its all set." When its not? Its ok I guess.

Case by case.

I admit. I have used escorts in the past when i was frustrated. It works for me I, don't hurt anyone. But looking for something more now.

Cool.

I did some thinking, I think people with AS that don't like to socialize are better off then people that always have to do that BS to feel good about themselves. We see that stuff for what it really is and everyone elses gets uptight when we don't play the raindeer games like everyone else does. I don't need to comform for anyone. If a person does not accept and like me for who I am, its they're lose. Thats all I want, somneone to accept me for who I am.

Beware of having too much faith in your own understanding of people, society and life in general. And make *extra* sure it isn't (ironically) BS to feel good about yourself.

I have AS, I don't like to socialize in large groups. Why do most people on here think I will find someone simialar to me that does not like larger social gatherings at a large social gathering? I usaly tell someone I'm interested in that I have AS after we talked for a bit, or on the second date or so. I found out if I do it upfront, it scares them away.

Yet you said only a few sentences ago that you want someone to accept you for who you are. So why omit the truth (i.e. lie) until it's supposedly more convenient to be honest?

 

[nerfherder]

Yet you said only a few sentences ago that you want someone to accept you for who you are. So why omit the truth (i.e. lie) until it's supposedly more convenient to be honest?

Ken, before you answer that question, think about why Aus Snow is asking it.

Is he:
a) trying to score points and "beat" you in an online debate; or
b) trying to help you understand why most people do things that you regard as lies (and thus help you accurately read situations and not get unduly upset by them)?

Cheers,
Liam

 

[nerfherder]

Ken,

I think it might help if you step back and look at the big picture. This is one big "How can we help Ken find his soulmate?" thread. Everyone is trying to help you. No one is attacking you. Some people are challenging you, but that is to make you think about what you're saying, not to try and hurt you.

Try and look at it this way. You have a goal of meeting your soulmate and living happily ever after (which is not disimilar to a lot of people). People have given you good advice on how to achieve that goal. Each piece of advice on its own might increase your chances of achieving that goal by, I dunno, 10%. If you totally ignore that piece of advice, then your chance of achieving your goal increases by 0%.

Sometimes the advice will just not be relevant to you, or it might be difficult to enact (possibly very difficult because of your AS, which I have no knowledge of - I'm only going off what I've read in this thread). Where that's the case, there is probably some way you can compromise that may still increase your chance of achieving your goal (don't forget about your goal; never forget your goal) by 5% say. So, instead of saying "No, I hate doing that, so it's no good", say "Argh! I really hate doing that because of X. Can anyone suggest something similar, but which minimises X?"

I think the online personal ad is a good idea. It's a method of increasing the number of single women that you interact with. Be aware that a lot of what you consider lying is likely to occur though. A person on an online dating site is not just setting up a date with one person and seeing how that goes. They are generally chatting to lots of people and setting up multiple dates. That's normal. Don't get upset by it. Shrug, and do the same yourself. But don't mention it to the women you chat to, or ask them if they are doing the same. It's one of those unwritten rules.

And, from your update above, it sounds like this is exactly what she was doing. It's normal. Don't let it get to you. Don't say "this is unfair" - we all already know that! Do the same thing yourself. Not out of spite, but because you want to meet a few people, not feel like you have to settle down with the first person that seems ok.

Hope this helps,
Liam

 

[reveal]

This thread reminds me of my mother in law. She chains smokes and has emphazema. She lives with a man who is constantly sick yet he smokes as well. She will not come to see her own grandson, who's now 3, because her home business, which is doing very well, "would suffer."

Basically, she's put herself in a situation where she suffers but constantly whines to my wife and expect her to feel sympathy. And every time my wife tries to offer suggestions on how my mother in law can help her self, my MIL comes up with excuses or tries to rationalize her behavior. I learned a long time ago that all my MIL wants is attention. If bad things didn't happen to her, she would never be able to say "oh poor me" so I just stopped paying attention to her. It just got frustrating because she's never going to change.

 

[Desdichado]

It's just that when you're a straight guy, there's no other game that seems quite so important to win.

Yahtzee?

 

[reveal]

Yahtzee?

Nah. Monopoly!

 

[Rel]

Nah. Monopoly!

Yeah, it's Monopoly alright. My father told me once when I was about 14, "Son, what you're going to have to come to understand is that women have a monopoly on the *slang word for female genitalia*."

He got popped by my stepmom for saying that but I know Quintessential Truths of the Universe when I hear them and that one stuck with me. It's a sellers market when it comes to this particular product and the trick is figuring out how to accumulate the necessary capital in order to obtain it.

Ken has already figured out one method (cash) that seems to work well enough in the limited scope of what it provides. Other currencies commonly used are wit, romance, security, good looks and of course the ever-popular jewelry.

 

[Aus_Snow]

Ken, before you answer that question, think about why Aus Snow is asking it.

Is he:
a) trying to score points and "beat" you in an online debate; or
b) trying to help you understand why most people do things that you regard as lies (and thus help you accurately read situations and not get unduly upset by them)?

Cheers,
Liam

My apologies if my motive was less than transparent.

It's actually neither 'a' (I *truly* couldn't care less about that, except perhaps in jest from time to time), nor 'b' (in this instance, I wasn't being altruistic either), but in fact c) noting what appeared to be hypocrisy.

Why does it automatically have to be either 'Good' or 'Evil' anyway?

I've known hypocrisy on the inside and out, as I'm quite sure most people have, and I believe that pointing it out is often a good thing to do, provided that it might in a given instance provide food for thought, or help break some unconscious habit etc.

It's not always a good thing to do, of course - I realise this. If it was the wrong decision, I'm sure I'll be told

 

[Vraille Darkfang]

Women will never be straightforward. Even if you enter into a serious relationship, the games continue. If she's upset, she won't tell you she's upset. You're supposed to know she's upset and know the reason why she's upset, all without her telling you with words. However, if you don't know why she's upset, you're just going to prove her point, whatever it is, and give her a physical being on which to vent her frustrations.

My wife's favorite game. "Why am I pissed?" I've finally made it past round one, which is "I'm upset, but when you ask, I'll tell you I'm just fine." To take her at what she TELLS me is wrong. I have to KNOW she's upset. SHe won't tell me. In fact, she'll lie right to my face & tell me she fine, then blow up a couple of hours later, because I didn't realize she was upset ("But you TOLD me you were OK" is not an acceptable excuse).

Now we have to play 20 questions about why she's upset. Actually, it more like 3 questions, as she gets REALLY mad is I can't guess what's wrong just be reading her mind.

On a related note:

Women have issues (as do men). But one of them is usually their bodies. My wife is cute, but still thinks every pair of jeans in the western hemisphere makes her but look "HUGE". Which, thakfully isn't the case. So I can tell her, "No, you look fine in those jeans, but maybe you should try on these low-rise jeans over here..." (Still hasn't worked, but I'll keep trying.

On the other hand, I have a friend whose SO is a little on the heavy side. If 5'2 & 300+ lbs still is considered 'heavy', as opposed to 'Land-Whale'. So, one day I'm eating lunch with them at an all-you-can-eat place (her wieght issues are defintily food related, I'll leave it at that). But as we are talking she tells us that "All that pants they make nowdays make my ass look HUGE!" Now came a 'Predefined Moment'. He's supposed to tell her "No, those pants don't make your ass look huge." A guy at the table behind us is actually chocking on some Kung-Pao Chicken at ther statement. Everyone within earshot is thinking "The stretch pants don't make your ass look huge, the 100 lbs of cellulite are doing that quite nicely & the 4 ice cream cones you just inhaled are adding nicely to the illusion." But, even though the laws of physics clearly state that her behind is exerting a gravitational force well beyond those of ordinary mortals, and that Haggendase is considering putting a bill board across both cheeks readable from space, he tells her "No, those pants don't make you look fat."

But, seeing how the item is question was her prodigious posterior and not the emminsity of the rest of her corpulent form, she fires back with a "So, You Think I'm FAT?!" (More chocking sounds of Kung-Pao Guy). At this point an arguement breaks out. I'm embarressed, my friend is trying to calm her down and the manager is worried about his chair. In the end, she retreats to 4 more ice cream cones (which contains more clues about her problems than any yelling going on).

I'm just glad I can tell me wife she doesn't look fat in those pants/skirt/top/swimsuit/etc and MEAN it. As I'm a losy liar.

 

[Rel]

As I'm a losy lair.

Well she clearly married you for your honesty.

As opposed to say, your spelling.