Why do women send mixed signals?

[Rel]

God made me this way. If he wants He can change the way I am. I did not ask to be this way, God screwed me by making me this way. But I will not take drugs or pretend to be fake.

A flash flood washes a man's house away down a rushing river and he manages to scramble onto the roof where he prays to God to help him survive. As the house passes under a bridge, some onlookers lower a rope but the man lets it go by, calling out, "God will get me out of this!" Soon a boat pulls up near him and the driver calls out for him to swim over to the boat but the man atop the drifting house refuses, "God will get me out of this!" A couple minutes later, a helicopter lowers a basket down for the man but he refuses to get in saying, "God will get me out of this!" The house then sinks and the man drowns.

He arrives in heaven where he says to God, "I asked you for help and you forsake me! Why?!"

God says, "I sent a rope, a boat and a helicopter! What more did you want?!"


See, Ken, God sent you Teflon Billy. And Teflon Billy is not here to insult you because I suspect that if that if he were then he'd be doing a far more credible job than this. He's just trying to help you get out of your own way.

I wish you luck.

And give that girl a call next week.

 

[devilbat]

Well said

 

[The_lurkeR]

Buut to people with AS, it is a lie. So its ok for people not to do things some days and do them when the feel like it?

Ken the people in this thread are trying to help you. If you've not noticed, they've said over and over again the answer to your question above is YES!

Little lies are standard social skills that 99% of the world use to interact and get by everyday. For reasons that have already been mentioned... (e.g. being polite, wanting an "out", not wanting to start an argument, etc... and sometimes just out of human error.)

If you expect to find someone who will "never lie" to you, (by your standard) you will most likely never find them.

If you want people to treat you differently, you should also make the effort to meet them halfway. I think finding some kind of therapy or training, might go a long way towards making you happy, and achieving your goal, once you have a better understanding of how other people work. Just saying "god made me this way, and I'm not changing" is a copout like Billy said, and isn't going to get you anywhere. You ever heard the whole 'definition of insanity' thing... about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?




Back to the original question...

I think you are reading her wrong... unless she got bad vibes from you over the phone, which sounds like it's a possibility.

Does this girl in question know that you have AS?
If not how is she supposed to know, and treat you the way you're expecting? If you really expect people to interact differently with you than they do the rest of their relationships, then at the very least you should tell them upfront.

Something like... "I should tell you I have AS, so generally take things at their literal meanings. The good thing is when I talk with you, you can trust that I'm being bluntly honest, and in return I appreciate if you're the same way with me, and please be patient with me if I sometimes misunderstand you."

BigFreekinGoblinoid gave you the perfect roadmap to giving this girl a second chance, and I recommend following it.

 

[Bront]

I hate it. Bunt, Steal Home, Take a Pitch, all those signals are so confusing.

 

[The Shaman]

But to people with AS, it is a lie. So its ok for people not to do things some days and do them when the feel like it?

I understand AS - one of my wife's students suffers from it, and we both got an education over the course of a school year.

However, you've already indicated that you take steps to manage your AS - what's being suggested to you here by myself and others are additional things for you to consider as a part of managing the symptoms, to help you find your way among those cues that you have difficulty processing.

What you see as a lie simply isn't to people who don't suffer from AS - it may be thoughtless, it may be flaky, it may be a bit rude at times, but it isn't lying. The intent is sincere on some level. If you cannot make that leap of understanding, that's unfortunate - however, you still need to find a way to deal with that behavior in a way that isn't self-destructive of the social bonds you say you want to build. If as a consequence of your processing the only way that you can think of it is 'lying', then perhaps what you need to do is find a way to forgive people for the 'lies' they tell you. This sits at the core of my earlier suggestion to you - "I was disappointed but let's move because I'd like to get to know you better."

When I asked you if you've never failed to follow-through on anything, you replied:

No.

I'm certainly in no position to contradict you, so what I will say is this: it would make you an exception that beggars the statistical realities of the species.

It still comes back to whether or not you want to find ways to manage AS that allow you to function, and beyond function thrive, in a world where 99% of the people you are likely to meet don't see through the same lens that you do. It's very hard for someone with AS to take the point of view of someone else, but if you really want to achieve the things you say you do, this is one of the steps to managing your symptoms that you must take.

You're expecting people to accept you for who you are - meet them half-way by working to accept them for who they are. It can be done, but it takes work.

 

[Prince of Happiness]

See, Ken, God sent you Teflon Billy.

And give that girl a call next week.

Teflon Billy is on a mission from God. F***, I have a lot of thinking to do this weekend. Mission from God.......GOD. Teflon Billy. GOD.

Damn.

 

[Teflon Billy]

I agree with you there. My behaviour is not associating with people that lie.

And, if you read the post you are quoting for that, you'll see that that is the whole world.

I will not lie and say I like something/ someone when I don't.

So you are rude/impolite..

I won't pretend to be socailable at a party when all I really want to do is go home and not have to put up with peoples stupid. petty talk.

So you are unfriendly.

One of my old GF's loved large get togethers. I hated them. I would just sit in a corner and watch. My GF would get mad at me for not getting to know people. I would say "why? I don't want anything to do with these people, this is a waste of time. You know I don't like these kind of things."

So you can't even attempt to share the interests of a Girlfriend.

I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not, for anyone.

You're batting 1000 man.

What do you think you are accomplishing/proving by sticking to this behviour?

You think you are making some kind of point? "Keeping it real". What's the goal here?

Becasue all I'm seeing from the above is a cranky jerk who can't get along with people under even the most favorable circumstances.

If I'm wrong, explain how.

 

[Aus_Snow]

You need white lies, half-lies and omissions of truth to get by in this world, unless you're in some kind of crazy (sane?) culture that's somehow splintered off and gone the way of *complete* honesty and accountability for *all*.

...if such a thing existed.


Right, so back to reality: it's not black and white.

Even if it was, who's to say along which lines those distinctions should be made?

If 'Good' or 'integrity' is all about honesty, what about the pain, sorrow and strife that can be brought about by sticking doggedly to that?

Why wouldn't it be determined by one's intent?

Or the consequences of one's words and actions?


This is part of why I think sticking to that particular gun is usually going to be a bit foolish, at best.

 

[Elephant]

Thats just it, I don't have fun with any large group of people. I don't see the need to sociallize like that and BS each other. Whats the point? So I can stroke my own ego? So I can feel "normal'? I am normal, IMO. If people don't like me or think I'm weird becuase I don't talk muck. Its they're loss. I'm already discouraged.

I'm going to have to go with Teflon Billy and The Shaman on this one. Normal is not a claim you can make, given your diagnosis. You can deceive yourself and claim normality, or you can try to deal with your condition and adapt to the difficulties that it causes.

Anyway, the advice in this thread is sound. Call her on Tuesday, chat about your weekends for a bit, then ask her where she wants to go for dinner and what day works for her.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, accuse her of game-playing or lying because she cancelled on you for the weekend. That will only scare her away, and hey - you obviously like her enough that it's worth at least a date with her.

 

[KenM]

Update on the girl in question. She emailed me and told me that she met someone else and wanted to see how it would go. If she just told me this in the first place, it would have been cool. Why did she feel the need to lie? I am more hurt by people that lie then the fact she might see someone else. Her lose, I won't call her again.
So when my boss asks me if I got done with that project when I'm not even half done I should say "its all set." When its not? Its ok I guess.
I admit. I have used escorts in the past when i was frustrated. It works for me I, don't hurt anyone. But looking for something more now.
I did some thinking, I think people with AS that don't like to socialize are better off then people that always have to do that BS to feel good about themselves. We see that stuff for what it really is and everyone elses gets uptight when we don't play the raindeer games like everyone else does. I don't need to comform for anyone. If a person does not accept and like me for who I am, its they're lose. Thats all I want, somneone to accept me for who I am.
I have AS, I don't like to socialize in large groups. Why do most people on here think I will find someone simialar to me that does not like larger social gatherings at a large social gathering? I usaly tell someone I'm interested in that I have AS after we talked for a bit, or on the second date or so. I found out if I do it upfront, it scares them away.