Why do women send mixed signals?

[Alan Shutko]

KenM, maybe you should try out for http://www.thewb.com/Shows/Special/0,11116,233632,00.html . It seems to have helped other people.

 

[Queen_Dopplepopolis]

I'm not a guy, and if you think Queen_Dopplepoppolis is a guy, you have some serious gender confusion issues.

I think that an appropriate ratio of men to women are responding based on EN World's general population (lots more guys than girls, ya know ).

 

[d20Dwarf]

Let me be straightforward with you...

Women will never be straightforward.

Is this like the door puzzle in Labyrinth?

Question: Do people with Asperger's only like Hack n' Slash?

 

[KenM]

I'll take your word for it that it has nothin to do with untreated Asperger's Syndrome's tendency to make the subject love sameness and fear change more than they could ever dislike their current situation.

God made me this way. If he wants He can change the way I am. I did not ask to be this way, God screwed me by making me this way. But I will not take drugs or pretend to be fake. As far as the GF taking me to those places, it was the SAME PEOPLE, ALL THE TIME. After the first 5 times of having the same converation, it gets old, fast.

 

[Teflon Billy]

God made me this way. If he wants He can change the way I am. I did not ask to be this way, God screwed me by making me this way. But I will not take drugs or pretend to be fake...

Is God big on the pre-marital sex you have with Escorts?

Calling on religion is cop-out here man, and it's a cheap one.

 

[d20Dwarf]

OK - So youre asking yourself now, what DO I say then? Have a plan. Something like this will work wonders:

"Hi Julie, it's Ken - How was your 4th of July weekend?

Really, that sounds fun - tell me more about X you just mentioned!

Great, I did X Y AND Z - Goodtimes!

This is vital.....VITAL! You must do something fun and interesting this weekend. No, your game is not fun and interesting to other people! You must go to a BBQ Festival, you must go to a fireworks display! You must do something fun and interesting, preferably with lots of friends!

If you have nothing to tell her interesting about this weekend, then you are doomed. You must be interesting.

 

[orchid blossom]

You are more likely to find someone if you stop trying and just let it happen naturally.

Bullcrap. I will say it again in you didn't hear me the first time. Bullcrap.
Wow, I am so freakishly bitter, even I can't find any humor in it. Bullcrap.

Letting it happen naturally doesn't have to mean you don't try at all. You keep your eyes open and take your opportunities.

It's more a matter of how you try. If trying means living your life, going out and meeting some new people, and getting involved in things where like-minded women are likely to be, that's where the "happen naturally" can happen. You're not out trying to get a date. You're out trying to have a life and in the process meeting women who might be a good fit for you.

If you go out solely looking to meet someone for a romantic relationship purpose you're bound to be disappointed a lot. Can it work? Sure. But I bet if you ask guys they can usually tell when a girl is out trolling for guys. She'll be giving off a kind of creepy desperate vibe. Guys can give off the same vibe when out trolling for girls. And that vibe can be scary because you're thinking "If they want a girlfriend that bad, are they going to be clingy/possesive/needy when we're together?"

So when someone says to let it happen naturally, I think they mean not to get tunnel vision about looking for a girlfriend. You're more attractive to a girl when she can tell that single or part of a couple, you're confident all on your own.

 

[The Shaman]

If it makes you feel better, go to This thread to see what a truly low-fuctioning case of Aspergers looks like

*shudder*

That thread did spawn one of the funniest lines I've read on any bulletin board anywhere, though: "basement boi king of the rank mold people."

Ah, Orblivia, the boards are diminished without you...

I'm not expecting it to happen like that. I know I have to get out there to find people. Thats why I have a personal ad online. I'm not comfortable going to a party and making small talk with a large group of people. Waste of time, IMO.
Thats why I like the personals, you can get to know people one on one, thats what I like.

It sounds like you have a handle on how to manage this aspect of the syndrome - that's encouraging....

I just don't like it when people say A and do B....People need to just be honest with what the do and say. I always tell people that I need honesty above all else. But when I find out someone close has upset me and they were not truthful, I'm more mad at the fact they lied to me then whatever was the orginal fight was about.

This is where it gets sticky.

The behavior you're describing doesn't rise to the level of lying. In many cases it doesn't even fly as a 'little white lie'. People often intend to do things for which they simply don't follow-through. Their intent in the moment was genuine and sincere - there was no desire to deceive - but it wasn't matched by their subsequent effort. It may mean that a person is a little flaky - it doesn't make that person a liar however.

KenM, have you ever offered to do something and not followed-through? Was it your intent to lie, to deceive? Or did something come up, or you forgot, or you just lost interest? It happens - it's a normal part of being a human being.

I understand that you process information differently because of Asperger's - however, you've also demonstrated an understanding of the syndrome and your ability to adapt to it. This might be another area for you to work on - it starts with understanding that a failure to follow-through is not the same as an attempt at deception, and it continues with letting it go when it happens.

The temptation may be to attempt to 'call' the person on the error: "You said you were going to do X, but you didn't. Why not?" I can pretty much guarantee you that there is no explanation the person can give that will satisfy you - you will be able to poke apart all but the most carefully constructed rational argument. This serves no purpose. None.

My suggestion to you is this: if you absolutely must tell the person that their lack of follow-through was an issue for you (and you may be best served by just letting it go if you can), instead of, "You said you were going to do X...", try using another line, like, "I was disappointed I didn't hear from you, but I'm glad we're talking now." It's a way of expressing your feelings that lets the person know that you are interested not in the past but the present and allows the conversation to move on to better things. If the other person wants to explain, fine - listen without judging, say, "Thank you," and then move on to what you really want to do: make plans! spend time together! get to know each other!

Best of luck to you, KenM.

 

[KenM]

Is God big on the pre-marital sex you have with Escorts?

Calling on religion is cop-out here man, and it's a cheap one.

I never called on Religion, I called on God, to me there is a difference. So you think a guy that has trouble comminucating with women should not go to an escort service when he needs it? Where everything is clear and upfront instead of the BS you have to deal with put up with from womens games? Why are you bringing up that other post? What have i done to hurt you? Whay are you trying to bring that up to other people? Why are you trying to hurt me?

 

[drothgery]

Alas, that requires socializing brother

You think some woman just wants to walk up to you and announce "I would like to be your soul-mate"?

Ask for company for dinner and movie? Coffee? Someone to chat with in the break room?

Nope?

Didn't think so. Darn it.

Honestly, from what I've seen this seems to be a really common Aspergers wish-fulfillment fantasy. But it's not going to happen, man.

It's just not.

If you're a guy who's had little or no success at initiating relationships, but isn't sufficiently bitter to give up on the idea entirely, the fantasy of encountering a woman who finds you sufficiently interesting to break cultural norms and initiate a relationship with you has a lot of appeal, no matter how unrealistic it is.

I mean, I know real people don't work this way. I know I've got a bad habbit of idealizing women. I know I tend to be very ackward in any social activity that doesn't involve work, gaming, or people I know very well. I know that the only way to get better at dealing with social situations is to be involved in more social situations, and that I'm not going to get a date by staying at my apartment reading, surfing the internet, and playing video games. Acting on this knowledge is the hard part.