Why do women send mixed signals?

[Tobold Hornblower]

" I know I'm sleeping right against you in my panites and your tshirt, but we are just friends."

That sounds like a very interesting story. Reading between the lines, this is what I've got so far:

You had the hots for this girl and let her know as much. She got into bed with you, wanting to be seduced by you. You then put the lie to the so-hot-for-her impression she'd gotten; you made hardly any effort to seduce her, being put off by her first feeble resistance.

Poor girl must have been crushed--feeling cheap and rejected. I can hear her crying to her girlfriend the next day, "Once he saw me in my panties he must have thought my thighs were fat. He just seemed to get mad, roll over, and ignore me."

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Maybe im expecting too much out of people but how hard is it to remeber that a holiday is coming, or that you have plans with other people. Personally i think this "selective Memory"( Unless you have a clinical memory problem (like my mother) there is no reason ot forget things) people have is just a lame excuse to blow people off to get out of things, I know when i was in high school i used it alot, but being older (not by much im only 22) i just say id rather not do somthing then have to lie or come up with an excuse not to. It really comes down to people being selfish and not caring about others feelings, and not having the common decency to tell someone straight up that their not interested, theres actually a situation i regret because i sort of tiptoed around prom with this one girl i wasnt interested in, instead of telling her i wasnt interested i ignored her, i feel bad i did that because people have blown me off like that, maybe one day this person will fell bad (for blowing ken off), but not likely as most are selfish.

First off, people do forget things who don't have clinical memory problems. Often it is confusion about the calendar. I often think I have to do something next weekend, only to discover later in the week that it is in fact set for this weekend. Sorry, between work, kids, class etc. I can lose track. I know I should keep a better calendar (day-timer, PDA, however), but I don't, I never update it. I apologize if you see that as selfish and not caring about other people's feelings.

As for telling people someone straight, who said in Ken's case the woman wasn't interested? Maybe she was more interested in Bachelor #2, but thought, by Ken's calling and asking if she was still interested, she had been given an opportunity to keep the option open on Ken if Bachelor #2 turned out to be a jerk. Is it the nicest thing to do? No, but at the same time, if she had been honest and said "Hey, I was contacted by this other guy who wants to go out the same night. I think we have more in common that you and I do, so I'm going to go out with him instead. If I don't like him, I'll call you," do you really think any guy would stick around waiting? She is then left with no options. Sure there are better ways to handle these situations, but as we all know none of us are perfect, especially when it comes to relationships.

 

[Hijinks]

I apologize if you see that as selfish and not caring about other people's feelings.

Don't apologize to him, he's the one who can't understand that not everyone is as perfect as he is.

 

[Desdichado]

Does this thing have a Spell-check?

Who cares? "I'm a losy lair" is comedy gold!

 

[Timeboxer]

Just a note from someone who's dated at least one person confirmed with Asperger's Syndrome, and likely a second unconfirmed -- the biggest problem I've had is feeling as if I'm actually loved and appreciated, and as if the girl I was dating had some actual interest in who I am and my life. Didn't help much that they had no patience for talking about things like, for e.g., the relationship, either. I never really felt like I was relevant or important to their lives, or that they were willing to make themselves vulnerable to me, which is generally not a good thing to feel if you're someone's girlfriend.

I think, KenM, if you're really going to be looking for romance, you're going to have to -- no, not reject who you are, but reach out beyond yourself to touch the other person. Otherwise, she'll just feel isolated and decide you're not worth the trouble.

 

[Arashi Ravenblade]

You know im not even going ot bother to justify my opinions ive spent about 20 minutes writing something but you know what? its as simple as this.
What i expect from my self is what i expect from others.
I dont Personally know anyone here, but what i can say from being around the people in my life and my own personal experiences that there is no excuse.
Since your personal experiences are different than mine you obviously feel diffrently, and the only thing we can do is agree to disagree.
Thats all im going to say on the matter of forgetfulness.

However on the issue of this woman, i dont have much experience (im a bit of a coward when it come to dealing with them, id rather fight 100 men at once then ask one out), so aside from thinking she is selfish and not worth your time i cant offer much.

 

[Hellefire]

Dude, it's a 3 day weekend?

Sweeeet!

Um, Ken, I understand to a point. I have always been an extremist, which makes it hard to get along with other people a lot of the time. Up to the time I went to college I didn't really understand other people. Then I stopped stressing so much over trying to figure out what other people were doing and why and just did my own things for my own reasons. For some odd reason, people suddenly got interested in what I was doing. WTF?

So I was watching this cute girl dance once, and she was damn cute, but the dance looked damn stupid. Then I looked at her face and saw how into it she was, that she was doing something that made her feel good, not for how it looked to other people, just because it made her feel good. And the dance didn't look stupid at all to me anymore, just a persons portrayal of their feelings.

So, my advice is, be yourself. Do your thing. Drop the 'their loss' crap, it's a self-defense mechanism but it isn't entirely accurate - it's really 'everyone's loss' - and not being entirely accurate makes it, partly, a lie - and there you are lying to yourself. So don't, if that's not who you are. People who have similar interests and tastes and ideas, whether it's in the straightforward (like carrots or cats) or the more meta (experiencing new things, meeting new people, NOT meeting new people, etc) and have the same basic reactions and understanding, tend to feel more comfortable together.

People are confusing. Women are REALLY confusing. Enjoy being confused, or find the least confusing you can. Try going to a country where you don't know the language. I spent 2 years in Poland, still can't speak the language and don't 'get' many of their customs. Wasn't entirely different from U.S. culture, but still pretty strange. Entirely changed my viewpoint on assuming that certain reactions are necessary or appropriate (getting angry or laughing or crying, etc). It was pretty liberating really, as confusing as it was.

So, here I am, approaching a 3-day weekend (it's really a 3-day weekend???) and babbling about anything related to understanding women (and people in general), or not understanding them. I still have issues with my girlfriend (who is the coolest chick I have ever met) because, sometimes, I still want to do some things 100% my way. But I have learned to pick my battles. If I care about something a lot, I insist on it, if not, I don't. If you want things ALL your way ALL the time, then either find someone EXACTLY like yourself, or expect them to go do things THEIR way sometimes.

Aaron

p.s. I think all that babbling meant, stick to your guns and be who you are, but if you're going to be with someone, you have to Love them for who THEY are too.

 

[Hijinks]

Expecting too much from other people is one of the themes of this thread, I think.

The original poster expected the woman to be honest and forthright when speaking to him, although she didn't know that he expected that. Many people expect games or, at least, coyness, from the other person when dating.

Now this poster says he expects other people to remember holidays, which is so silly it's laughable. Who cares whether someone you know remembers it's a holiday weekend or not? To expect other people to live up to the same standards that you set for yourself works in some scenarios, but not with trivial things, such as the original poster's expectation that his cousin will email him; in reality, it probably wasn't that important to her to email him as she said she would. Likewise, it's not that important to most people if they happen to not remember that it's a holiday weekend, but if someone expected me to remember and would get very upset with me if I didn't, then that's not someone I'd want to be friends with.

My point is, give people some slack, or you're only going to be disappointed for your entire life.

 

[Empress]

KenM, I have one question for you:

You say you don't want to change the way you are, and you wannt people to accept you the way you are. Fine.

And then you go on and say you want anybody close to you to be exactly like you. Where's the acceptance there?

Break out of your shell. Don't let hurdles be your crutch. Where would we be if eons ago some fish hadn' said, "Sod this. I'm going on land, gills be damned."

Maybe God made you the way you are so you'd have something to conquer, your own mountain to climb and make you a better man? Maybe She wanted you to overcome Asperger's on your own terms? Maybe She intended you to meet someone at therapy, or to fall in love with your psychiatrist? I wouldn't dare to claim I know Her wishes. Do you?

All I know is if a situation is Her doing, then me doing something to rectify it must be Her doing as well, so I'm clear. And if it's not Her doing, then I can rectify it, anyway.

 

[reveal]

Now knowing what Asperger Syndrome is, I looked it up.

http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/aswhatisit.html

This part stood out:

Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness. They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest.

I think KenM definitely fits this mold. I highly, highly doubt anyone on here is going to change his mind on this topic.

This part is also important:

Therefore, many behaviors that seem odd or unusual are due to those neurological differences and not the result of intentional rudeness or bad behavior, and most certainly not the result of "improper parenting".