Why do women send mixed signals?

[Empress]

Now knowing what Asperger Syndrome is, I looked it up.

http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/aswhatisit.html

This part stood out:



I think KenM definitely fits this mold. I highly, highly doubt anyone on here is going to change his mind on this topic.

This part is also important:

Yes, but recognizing this, you either have the chance of improving the situation, i.e. "I know I tend to be overly impatient with people, so I must try to be extra-patient", or you can lean back and say "tough luck, baby, cry on someone else's shoulder."

If you do the second, don't go on wondering why you can't get a relationship to function. You either try to work socially or accept the result.

 

[KenM]

So why omit the truth (i.e. lie) until it's supposedly more convenient to be honest?

I don't see not telling someone something about yourself until you know them better is lieing. To me a lie is when someone tells me something I know is not true ("the sky is green"). Or when someone says they will do something and then they don't.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

I don't see not telling someone something about yourself until you know them better is lieing. To me a lie is when someone tells me something I know is not true ("the sky is green"). Or when someone says they will do something and then they don't.

Do you see the distinction between telling someone you will do something when you never intended to do it versus telling someone you will do something with every intention of doing it, and then never getting around to it? I would not call the second situation a lie, I would just call it real life. Would you be OK if someone told you they might do something and then do not?

I'm trying to better understand the line you draw about lying, regardless of whether I agree with it.

 

[KenM]

That sounds like a very interesting story. Reading between the lines, this is what I've got so far:

You had the hots for this girl and let her know as much. She got into bed with you, wanting to be seduced by you. You then put the lie to the so-hot-for-her impression she'd gotten; you made hardly any effort to seduce her, being put off by her first feeble resistance.

Poor girl must have been crushed--feeling cheap and rejected. I can hear her crying to her girlfriend the next day, "Once he saw me in my panties he must have thought my thighs were fat. He just seemed to get mad, roll over, and ignore me."

More info about Her. We were friends for a long time before we go to this point. She told me she was assulted before and had issues. I did not want to push. I did try to do stuff while we were laying together, she stopped me. At one point I did get her so worked up she had to leave the room. She came back and she layed aginst me and took my hands and made me keep them in a "safe spot" she was comfortabale with. So I did not want to get arrested for assult, so I let her be, but we were both interested. I don't know why she stopped me. We did sleep together after that (just sleep, cuddle, not crossing the line) a few times. This was the same Women I mentioned before I found out later was a heavy pot smoker. I detailed this in another thread awhile back.
Someone else said I'm using AS as an excuse for how I act. I don't see it like that. I have it, so I have to accept it and learn to work with what I have. Thats how I look at it. I know some people will say "try to learn to change your behaivor, ect.." . To me this like trying to tell someone that is blind to "just learn to use your eyes." They are both disabalities, other peole need to learn to accept peole with them instead of trying to change them.

I want to thank everyone for they're thoughts/ advice. I'm plessantly surpised that most people on here knew what AS was. Usally when I tell people I have AS, they look at me funny and say "whats that?"

 

[KenM]

Do you see the distinction between telling someone you will do something when you never intended to do it versus telling someone you will do something with every intention of doing it, and then never getting around to it?

I'm trying to better understand the line you draw about lying, regardless of whether I agree with it.

To someone with AS, when someone says they are going to do something, they just think that person intends to do it. Weather it was just small talk or whatever. Peolple with AS have trouble telling the difference.

 

[Teflon Billy]

Update on the girl in question. She emailed me and told me that she met someone else and wanted to see how it would go. If she just told me this in the first place, it would have been cool. Why did she feel the need to lie? I am more hurt by people that lie then the fact she might see someone else.

We've been through this back on page 1 Ken. Why do you keep asking the same questions?

So when my boss asks me if I got done with that project when I'm not even half done I should say "its all set." When its not? Its ok I guess.

It's fine if you think you will get it done by deadline. Take this kind of thing on a case-by-case-basis

I did some thinking, I think people with AS that don't like to socialize are better off then people that always have to do that BS to feel good about themselves. We see that stuff for what it really is and everyone elses gets uptight when we don't play the raindeer games like everyone else does.

The blind have also totally scored, as bright lights will never hurt their eyes.

The deaf are even luckier, becasue no loud noises will ever scare them.

The lame have it best of all, becasue they get those boss wheelchairs to tool around in.

Believing that your defects are, in fact, strengths is just another defect Ken. Break that habit.

 

[Humanophile]

I don't see not telling someone something about yourself until you know them better is lieing. To me a lie is when someone tells me something I know is not true ("the sky is green"). Or when someone says they will do something and then they don't.

Ahhh. Unless it's the girl concealing something from you until you're already interested. (I'd love to test this hypothesis. Children? Disease? Still scoping out the field? How would you feel if she fessed up to something like that after a month or so?) So in other words, it has to follow very specific Ken formulas. Gotcha.

I'm not going to say girls aren't crazy. I'll even join in the pity party, so long as there's cupcakes and party hats. But flakiness/forgetfulness is not a female-specific trait. I'll level with you Ken; you sound like you can get a good deal of slack from people. Learn that other people deserve some too.

But here is the crux of the issue. Girls are prone to flakiness - that's part of being a girl. If you're not up to deal with that, start using lines that are more spot on; "why can't I meet a girl who lives up to my unreasonably high expectations" sounds like a good start. Otherwise, accept that you'll have to pick from the pool of real people around you. The vast majority of single people are single for a reason. Accept that nobody you find will be an absolutely perfect fit for you, that you'll both have to do some adapting to each other and overlooking each other's flaws. Once you're ready for that, you can try for a fruitful search. Otherwise, accept that the only women who'll meet your standards live in the realm of fantasy.

 

[ThirdWizard]

!!!!

I understand now! This explains one of my friend's behavior. Asperger's Syndrome! He also has ADHD. But, this fits him perfectly. That would be why he "stalked" (followd) me all the time my freshman year of college and why he is easily obsessed by things. He a great for arguing, though. We can argue for hours about the tiniest thing... uh oh, I hope that doesn't say anything about me. [Actually I'm probably OCD.]

But, this might help. I'll read up on Asperger's Syndrome and maybe that'll help us gain some understanding of him.


As for offering advice, well, I think most everything has been said. You can either accept it as a handicap and try to fix it or you can embrace it as a part of you. It sounds like you want to embrace it, which is fine if that's what you want, but don't expect any problems to go away like that, I think.

 

[Rel]

I know some people will say "try to learn to change your behaivor, ect.." . To me this like trying to tell someone that is blind to "just learn to use your eyes." They are both disabalities, other peole need to learn to accept peole with them instead of trying to change them.

Here's the thing, Ken. If you told most blind people that there were medications or treatments that would help them regain some of their eyesight, do you think they would take the help? Or would they just say, "Quit trying to change me and accept me as I am."?

I think that people who are in a relationship have an obligation to the other person to be the healthiest selves that they reasonably can. That would imply that they should try and get healthy before entering into the relationship in the first place.

The problem is that nearly all of us who are trying our best to help are not saddled with your problem. As such, our advice may be useless or nearly so. If you were able to think and communicate (through medication and therapy) in a way more similar to us then I suspect that our advice would be more helpful. And it would probably make communication and understanding with any potential ladies in your life far easier too.

Just sayin' is all.

 

[Teflon Billy]

Here's the thing, Ken. If you told most blind people that there were medications or treatments that would help them regain some of their eyesight, do you think they would take the help? Or would they just say, "Quit trying to change me and accept me as I am."?

bullseye.