Why do women send mixed signals?

[I'm A Banana]

I know most people do lie and are deceptive. (at least in my view) This I why I don't go to social gatherings much, I'm sure they are being fake. When someone is deceptive with me, I then choose not to spend time with them anymore. So its easier for me to stay home and "be a dick", at least they are not lieing to me.

Fair enough, but if honesty is important enough to you that you are willing to alienate yourself from most of the world because of it, don't you think that's a little...extreme? Isn't that like the blind man who never leaves his house because he can't see the world anymore?

If you're happy being that judgemental and extreme, by all means, continue...but otherwise, why can't you accept other people for who they are? Why does trivial lying hurt you that much? Why be offended when people are different when you could just accept their difference and live with them?

People crave human contact, in general, but part of being in contact with other humans is accepting their difference. And if you're happy judging most of humanity that cruelly, then you kind of need to learn to be happy without this normal kind of life, because what it takes to live that kind of normal life -- tolerance, acceptance, and adaptation -- you've entirely denied yourself.

So instead of complaining about how girls play games with you, and what their problem is, it might be more useful to figure out why you have a problem being played with, and what can be done to lighten up and enjoy the game instead of taking every statement seriously. Or, do as you have, and deny yourself tolerance, acceptance, and adaptation...just don't get upset if no one else follows your rules.

 

[ColonelHardisson]

He answered a question that was directed right at me.

The thing is, Teflon Billy is probably being the least fake of anyone here. He's telling you the straight dope, unvarnished. It strikes me as ironic that you don't seem to find his advice pleasant to take.

 

[Ralts Bloodthorne]

I wrote a big long post full of advice, then figured that there really wasn't anything in it for me, and it's not going to matter what I say, so I figured I'd just put down the following.

If you shut out the world, don't come whining when you don't have the affection you want in life. It's your choice. AS isn't riding on your shoulder like a monkey making you do things. You can overcome it, but you have to want to. Taking the easy road isn't impressive, it's lazy and pathetic.

So, you take some of the excellent advice in here and learn to interact with society and find some happiness, or you can say "Well, I'm not getting what I want/I have AS/It's everyone elses fault" and be miserable.

Your choice. I ain't doing it for you. If you want it bad enough, you'll work for it.

 

[The Traveler]

It strikes me as ironic that you don't seem to find his advice pleasant to take.

It's pretty easy to understand. There's no such thing as self-help, you see. After all, how can you help yourself when your thinking is sick?

Ken's thinking is sick. I don't mean this as an insult, either. I also don't think it's because of the Asperger's. He clearly has many issues that are independent of Asperger's Syndrome, and he shouldn't pin all of them on it.

He has constructed a fantasy that allows him to feel okay about being alone. It's something I'm well familiar with because I did it myself when I was younger. It's going to be a significant hurdle because he's going to have to tear it down before he can grow as a person. It's not going to be easy, if it's anything like I went through.

What he has to realize is he's being just as "fake" as anyone. He doesn't have a monopoly on being genuine, and his main difference is that he's lying to himself as much or more than he lies to those around him.

The fantasy has to go. He has to stop his internal narrative. He's wrapped up in his own melodrama, and he's not seeing people as much as he's seeing characters and roles that fit his perception of things. He is assigning them traits which are consistent with what he believes.

One of the most important lessons a person must learn in order to relate to the world is that the world is not what we believe it to be. We have very little control over what happens and that's what is so scary and wonderful about living.

If you open yourself to that, you are open to failure, but you are also open to success.

 

[KenM]

Life is risk, Ken. If you're not willing to risk yourself in these situations, why do you expect other people to do it for you? You're going to fall on your ass more often than not, but that's half the fun of it.

I do take risks, why do you think I have an online personal ad up. But when I find out someone lies to me, no matter how small, I feel like that person is saying "you are not good enough to be told how I really feel or whats really going on, so screw him." So when I find out about the lie, I end it with them. Even though I tell people upfront to be honest with me.
I have met a few people though the personal ad, and for whatever reason it does not work out, the "spark" just was not there or whatever. I always say that it was fun meeting them and getting to know them a little, and wish them luck in the future. They were honest with me.
I never blamed another person for my AS, I blamed God a few posts back. I blame some people for continuing to be deceptive with me even after I tell them upfront I need total honesty.

 

[I'm A Banana]

What he has to realize is he's being just as "fake" as anyone. He doesn't have a monopoly on being genuine, and his main difference is that he's lying to himself as much or more than he lies to those around him.

The fantasy has to go. He has to stop his internal narrative. He's wrapped up in his own melodrama, and he's not seeing people as much as he's seeing characters and roles that fit his perception of things. He is assigning them traits which are consistent with what he believes.

One of the most important lessons a person must learn in order to relate to the world is that the world is not what we believe it to be. We have very little control over what happens and that's what is so scary and wonderful about living.

I'm going more off of my own personal experience than Ken's, because I know it can't be exactly the same thing, but let me send out a "Word." on this one.

This pretty much exactly mirrors what I had to do to open myself up. First I had to realize that this lonliness wasn't trying to tell me the world was messed up -- it was trying to tell me *I* was messed up. And then, ideally without going on the depression roller-coaster, learn to let go and accept people for the mistakes and problems that they all make.

 

[Ralts Bloodthorne]

Because I have to try. But try in my own way, not under what society says is "OK" to tell lies. I expect people to be totally honest with me, if not, then they are out of my life. Its that simple. At night I sleep good knowing I did not decive anyone and told the truth. At least i'm not being fake with anyone.

I TOLD you how to learn to read or at least analyse proper social ettiquette about a dozen posts ago. I know it works, I've seen it work, and it's advised for dealing with certian types of mental disorders that prevent someone from understanding emotions.

If you expect total honesty from everyone, you're not suffering from AS, you a meglomaniacal fool who seems to think they can say: "If you want to be my friend, you'll do XXXX" and get away with it.

And you are being fake. I can tell by reading these posts. You come across as willing to accept help and listen to advice, then you make excuses as to why you can't do as instructed or follow advice.

What did you really want, be honest with Ol' Tim here. You're only human, it's not like I had high expectations. If you wanted sympathy and attention, just say so, you'll get that too. From other people, but you'll get it.

TB has given you excellent advice, I gave you excellent advice on how to learn to analyze human interaction and social settings.

What have you done with it? If you haven't tried any of that, you aren't trying, your putting forth just enough effort in order to feel better about your failure and blame it on others.

 

[I'm A Banana]

But when I find out someone lies to me, no matter how small, I feel like that person is saying "you are not good enough to be told how I really feel or whats really going on, so screw him." So when I find out about the lie, I end it with them. Even though I tell people upfront to be honest with me.

Getting hurt that much over any small lie is not something that has to happen. When you feel pain from a lie, you have a choice: you can drop it, accept it, and move on, or you can harp on it, think about it, ponder it, and take it personally.

One of these, for me, leads to me not being unhappy, and that's to not take it that seriously.

You don't HAVE to end it because of a lie. You CHOOSE to. Does that choice make you happier? Or would choosing to perhaps accept that sometimes everyone will decieve make you happier?

 

[KenM]

Getting hurt that much over any small lie is not something that has to happen. When you feel pain from a lie, you have a choice: you can drop it, accept it, and move on, or you can harp on it, think about it, ponder it, and take it personally.

One of these, for me, leads to me not being unhappy, and that's to not take it that seriously.

You don't HAVE to end it because of a lie. You CHOOSE to. Does that choice make you happier? Or would choosing to perhaps accept that sometimes everyone will decieve make you happier?

But if I end it, they won't lie to me and make me feel like a fool for trusting them again. You know the saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

 

[The Traveler]

But if I end it, they won't lie to me and make me feel like a fool for trusting them again. You know the saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

Everyone will lie to you sooner or later. Everyone. Even your mother. The sooner you accept this, the sooner the healing can begin.