Why do women send mixed signals?

[Ralts Bloodthorne]

Yes I have made mistakes. Making the mistake of trusting them in the first place and having my heart torn out. Or being made a fool of because of being lied to. I make sure that I don't make that mistake with that person again.

HEY! IT'S JESUS!

Can you cure my jaw or shoulder? What did you mean by turn the other cheek?

That's about how you're coming across there.

 

[The Shaman]

KenM, you have an impaired function. You're brain doesn't allow you to interpret communications signals normally. As a result, you miss important parts of the message.

You call it lying. You're wrong. You have a broken brain. And you need help.

 

[The Traveler]

HEY! IT'S JESUS!

Can you cure my jaw or shoulder? What did you mean by turn the other cheek?

That's about how you're coming across there.

Now, now, let's be fair to the guy...

...

...

Jesus forgave sinners.

 

[I'm A Banana]

I dunno, Hijinks, he seems to still be here...."There is light in him yet, I can sense it!"

Yes I have made mistakes. Making the mistake of trusting them in the first place and having my heart torn out. Or being made a fool of because of being lied to. I make sure that I don't make that mistake with that person again.

These aren't mistakes, they're just common human experiences. People's trust is violated, people's hearts are torn out, people are made fools of, constantly. The mistake is this: to let it end at that, and to never allow the person to show that they are more than a violater, more than a heart-ripper, and more than a fool. What's missing is dimension. Acceptance. The ability for people to be wrong once in a while. What's missing is forgiveness.

When I have screwed up with my step dad, I would tell him I was sorry, he would tell me "sorry does not make it ok!" So I have that in my head. I'm trying to work on that as well.

Sorry doesn't make it OK. But nothing makes it OK. The damage is done, but damage will ALWAYS be done. Damage is a part of life. Not being OK is a part of life. Things are wrong and screwed up and everybody tries and fails. I don't know anyone who is happy in life. Suffering is the human condition, yo. It's what makes us struggle to be better. To think you have won the struggle (say, by excluding liars from your life because lying causes suffering) is ultimately to fail at it, I think. Because you don't try to be better anymore. You already think you're good.

Sorry doesn't make it OK. But sorry can stop it from happening again....if there is acceptance of the flaws.

 

[KenM]

Sorry doesn't make it OK. But sorry can stop it from happening again....if there is acceptance of the flaws.

Thats it, when my stepdad said that, it felt like he was not accepting the flaws. I started to say that to people that said sorry to me.

 

[I'm A Banana]

Thats it, when my stepdad said that, it felt like he was not accepting the flaws. I started to say that to people that said sorry to me.

My own dad, a Marine, said that to me quite often.

And then I asked him what, in this great big world of ours, is ever, really, OK?

It's part of the beauty and pain of life, man. OK is a pipe dream. It's worth working toward, but working toward it invovles working together. Because, AFAICT, no one is OK alone.

 

[Ralts Bloodthorne]

Thats it, when my stepdad said that, it felt like he was not accepting the flaws. I started to say that to people that said sorry to me.

Yeah. He wanted to you to actually FIX the damn problem. Sorry doesn't help when the house is burning down. Sorry doesn't help when you've poked your sister's eye out. Saying sorry doesn't bring the dog back to life. Sorry doesn't take out the garbage. Sorry doesn't.....

Something you are still obviously unwilling to do.

I heard that too, and guess what, it's true. Sorry doesn't do jack. If you're sorry, show me.

And nice job playing the stepdad card.

 

[KenM]

So the one time my stepdad told me he was sorry, I told him it was not OK and kept reminding of the mistake like he did with me. Payback is a bitch.

 

[TiQuinn]

They hurt me, I hurt them back. We are even.

You're never going to have a long lasting relationship. Put that fact in your brainpan, turn it onto process/puree, and let it sit in there for a week until it finally sinks in.

 

[I'm A Banana]

If you're sorry, show me.

Well, when I was told "Sorry Doesn't Fix Anything!" as a kid, I would sometimes respond with "What would fix it?" To which my dad would answer "I don't know." or "Nothing can."

Whenever you can fix a problem, you should, of course. Put your money where your mouth is and all that...

But in something like a violation of trust, there isn't any real easy way to fix it, especially if you never hear from the person you lied to again. You can't take it back. You can just work to show that you're more than that. The onus is on the violated person to accept it or deny it.

So the one time my stepdad told me he was sorry, I told him it was not OK and kept reminding of the mistake like he did with me. Payback is a bitch.

Becuase I'm not sure it can be said enough, know that a pro psychologist can probably help you more than an internet message board can, and you don't even need to be nutty to go to one, just generally unhappy and looking for a way to change. They're there to help, after all. And they'd probably be able to draw some good ideas from this stepdad stuff.

For my own milage, this seems to be going right in tandem with you not wanting to just drop it. You need to forgive him for saying that to you, too.