does a nice, shy, meek guy have a chance in hell?

[Aaron L]

i dont know what to do anymore. i dont have any hope left of ever meeting anyone. im 29 and have never had a girl even remotely attracted to me, despite going out and trying to meet people as much as i can. ive been told im good looking. ive been told im fun to be around. ive been told im too nice. i have no self confidence, but how do you have self confidence when you know that theres something so fundamentally repulsive about you to cause you to be 29 years old and never so much as kissed a woman? ive tried asking people what i need to change abuot myself, and i never get a straight answer. is it just that im nice, shy, meek, and polite, and these arent things that women want in a man? my very personailty is just so unmanly that the very idea of a romantic relationship with me is a joke?

i dont know what to do anymore. ive lost all hope and dont have much to live for if this is how my life is going to be. all ive ever wanted since i was a teenager was someone to love me, and ive never had anything even remotely resembling it. i used to be able to hide behind roleplaying and smother my pain in games, but i dont even have that anymore, everyone i gamed with having decided im not worth the effort to even speak to anymore. i post it here becuse i have no friends left, and no one i can talk too. i dont expect any answers, because i know there arent any. but the pain is just too much and i need to yell, or scream, or even just complain to someone. so i drink and hope to fall asleep and sometimes wish i wouldnt wake up in the morning.

 

[Hand of Evil]

There is always a chance. You are 29 and let me tell you, things change, you are out of those 20's which was the dating/party life, the period you are entering is different and means you need to be looking in other places...church is a hot spot for the single, same for community activities, you just have to get out there. Never give up, never surrender!

You can change your life but you are the one that has to want to. See a professional if you are depressed, see one just to talk.

 

[Zander]

Don't despair! In general, what women want changes as they get older. In their teens and twenties, they tend toward good looking jocks. But as the biological clock ticks, women start to favour loyalty, generosity, reliability and kindness more, i.e. good husband material. You're approaching the age when women of a similar age will value you more.

It's true that women of all ages are attracted to confident men. To become more self-confident, remind yourself of several different ways in which you're better than other guys you know. Just because you haven't had any success with women in the past should not dent your confidence. Remember that guys who are too self-assured because of previous successes are often turn-offs to women in their late twenties onwards (it relates to the lack of reliability mentioned above).

The single greatest barrier to starting a relationship is your looks. If you make Jabba the Hutt look handsome then no woman is going to entertain taking a relationship with you further. But from what you say, you're good looking so you've got most of the problem resolved right there.

If the idea appeals, seek out women who are slightly older perhaps up to 35. And keep trying knowing that things are shifting in your favour.

Please keep posting. I think you'll get good advice on these boards (and not just from me). There are lots of caring people here.

 

[DarrenGMiller]

It sounds like you are trying SO hard to get somebody, anybody, to love you, that your efforts may actually be driving those who may do so away. Sometimes we try so hard to find a certain kind of relationship that we focus on it too intensely and it causes people to distance themselves, as they can read from us that we are way too single-minded and purposeful about it. I relationship like that is not something you can force to happen. It is not something you can focus on as hard aas it sounds like you are. I know that is hard to accept, but you have to let go of it a little (or a let) in order for it to happen. Find some other things to strive for in life (not just things to hide behind, as you are still going to give off that "I'm looking for love as hard as I can" vibe). As hard as it is, put it out of mind. That is the only way it is going to happen. I am not saying to socially isolate yourself. Just have fun with people and be a friend, even if there is no hope of a relationship. Try to relax and not think about it.

Please, whatever else you do, speak to a professional about your depression. Believe it or not, fixing the depression will help your prospects. Don't say that the only way you are going to get over the depression is to find someone. It doesn't work that way. The only way you are going to find someone is to get the depression under control and find the joy in your life again.

I am wishing you the best, Aaron.

DM

 

[Queen_Dopplepopolis]

Aaron,

You've got a chance!

But listen to what Wolf says. Depression is a real thing that finding a woman doesn't fix... You need to seek help for yourself before you seek someone else. Speaking as someone with bipolar, I've been where you are - not for the same reasons as I am not seeking a woman (), but to the same end.

Other than that... you need to try to find someplace else to find confidence. I can't tell you where, as I don't really know you - but it seems that you would be served well if you could rearrange your priorities a bit... find some way to define your existance that is *not* woman dependent. A competitive hobby, maybe? A puppy?

Lastly, as a woman, I'll say that through your posts, you seem like a loving, wonderful guy that just needs to find the right person... I know you're sick of waiting, but I can tell you this - once you find her (or she finds you), it will have been worth the wait.

Good luck. ::hugs::

((Have you ever been to GenCon? Might be a good place to meet that nice, shy, meek girl )).

 

[Umbran]

Been there, done that... then found the gamer girl and got married to her.

Which, of course, is a solid (if anecdotal) example that everyone has at least a chance.

However, be warned - finding a person to share your life with is not the be-all and end-all of the Universe. I'm rather firmly of the belief that if you want a stable, permanent relationship, you need to be reasonably happy with your life without a significant other. If you aren't, you put an undue burden on that other person to make your life liveable. And that's just not fair, and generally the person will tire of it, and yoru relationship will suffer.

And, by the way, being basically happy with your life seems to be attractive to the ladies.

 

[der_kluge]

Aaron, first I would recommend finding a therapist to discuss this with. It sounds like you are depressed, and even considering suicidal thoughts. That's not the answer, man. All that does is hurt the people who love you. There is help available. Seek it out. If you are depressed, that could be a big reason for why you are having such a hard time meeting people. It's an endless spiral - you are depressed, and depressed people aren't any fun to be around, so they don't hang out with you, which makes you more depressed, ad infinitum.

 

[DungeonmasterCal]

I know a guy who's 35 and has never had a date. Nice guy, a little squirrely, but a nice guy. But then, he doesn't seem to try, either.

There's an old southern rock song that goes "It'll shine when it shines." Be patient. Things will happen when they are meant to.

I actually have something of the reverse to your situation. I'm getting divorced and at 42, the thought of dating makes me physically ill. I've already have several folks try to fix me up, and a couple of female friends with whom I've enjoyed wonderful platonic relationships have come forward to tell me they've "been attracted to me but didn't say anything because I was married." I'm so not interested in dating or anything related to it now. Trust me; I'm no stud-boy. I'm a middle aged fatbeard. But I'm a nice guy who tries to treat people with respect. Evidently it pays off.

 

[devilbat]

I'm going to stay away from your depression and self confidence issues, because others have mentioned them, and you already seem to know that you have them.

I don't know your habits and hobbies, so I'll generalize. If one's activities are limited to gaming and Anime, you are severly limiting yourself to interactions with women. Take a cooking class, join a singles club, check out lava life, start going to church, etc... Find things to do, that will not only help you interact with new people, but will also add to your life in a positive way. A well rounded individual is more attractive to the opposite sex. WHat I tell my single gaming friends is "Have a shower, put on some cologne, and get the hell out of the basement". You will not meet a mate by doing the same things that haven't worked for the last ten years.

im nice, shy, meek, and polite, and these arent things that women want in a man?

While these are qualities (minus the meek) that I hope are prevelant in the men my daughters marry, I know most young women seem to be attracted to the confident (cocky?), outgoing (brash?) and exciting (idiot?) type of guys. I keep telling my 16 year old sister. Forget the jocks, the nerds have futures, while most jocks end up witha broken marriage and a beer gut. Just like me .

 

[Dark Jezter]

is it just that im nice, shy, meek, and polite, and these arent things that women want in a man?

Forgive my bluntness, but the answer to that question is no: women don't want a nice guy. Speaking from both personal experience as well as from listening to stories told to me by friends, family members, and other EN Worlders, it's become clear to me that while women everywhere claim that they're looking for a "nice guy", in reality they will go for guys to are very confident in themselves, somewhat arrogant, and a bit of a jerk. Seldom have more true words ever been spoken than "nice guys finish last."

This dosen't mean that you have to completely change your personality, but when you're trying to impress women, act as though it's impossible for you to fail. Don't hang on her every word or be an ass kisser. Don't be afraid to disagree with her on things. And above all else, don't come across as desperate.