Game session abruptly canceled

[Ghendar]

I can see your point. I may well have overreacted. It does take 2 to make an exchange though so I believe I'm not the only jerk.
thanks.

Absolutely correct. it sounds like unfortunate choices were made on both sides. Maybe some good will come from this and it won't happen again.

 

[Glyfair]

ID+D is a GAME, not work.
I should be able to call an hour before a session and expect not to be berated for it at the next session. (Of course, I also try to return the favor if someone cancels on me.)

RL happens; things come up ALL THE TIME that you can't expect or plan for.

I somewhat disagree. Yes, it's a game. However, it's one that requires preparation by the DM and the host (which is often the same person). Spending time creating a scenario, maybe laying out maps and miniatures, perhaps cleaning the gaming area up, preparing snacks, etc. and finding out that it's cancelled at the last minute is a big letdown.

True, sometimes things happen that require it. Emergencies happen all the time and gaming is low on the priority scale. However, when you know for days that you can't make it and don't tell anyone, that's not an emergency. You are at fault if you do that.

Sure, the OP was crossing the line by calling back and lashing out at his friends. However, they were out of line for not giving him sufficient notice that weren't planning on being there (especially since they may have worked out another option).

 

[Festivus]

I need to put this down in writing to get it off my chest.
Here's the situation. My game group currently consists of my best friend M, his wife K and I. We play every other weekend due to his work schedule. M and I take turns DMing. They live about an hour away. I have made the drive to their house for every session for about the past year and a half. This weekend I needed to change the venue to my place because I'm feeding and letting out another friend's pets while he's out of town. I told M early last week about the needed venue change. M and wife have 2 kids age 5 and a bit over 1. M says he'll try to get his folks to watch the kids while we play. I say its no problem if they can't. Bring the kids with. He says OK. Its my understanding that this is the plan.
Today is game day. I call M today to find out what the plan is for the day. M tells me his parents can't take the kids and he and the wife don't want to bring them with, so they're not coming. I say man that sucks and we hang up.
I'm disappointed. Then I get frustrated, then I get mad. I call back to tell M that I'm mad and I think it sucks that they're cancelling our plans at the last minute. M basically tells me I'm a no good jerk for being mad. We exchange heated words, and somehow its twisted to where I'm the one who's out of line because I think people should follow through on things they have agreed to do and not cancel at the last minute. Apparently its also unreasonable for me to want to change the session to my place the odd time once a year or so.
This isn't the first time they've cancelled on me at the last minute. The other times I'd already made the drive to their place and then had the session blown. I guess I should count my blessings. At least this time I didn't have to drive an hour to be let down.

It sounds to me like you don't have young kids.

As a parent I can tell you it's incredibly difficult to transplant young ones to another venue. It's not just pop in the car, there are a crapton of accessories that come with them. Diapers, extra clothes, if they were to sleep (assuming this is at night) where can they sleep that is safe? I have to think carefully about what we will do on weekends when we need to travel. It's a big deal, really, with kids that young.

That said, they should have given you notice right off that it would be difficult (seems like they did) but your friend saying that bringing the kids would be no big deal sounds to me like he didn't ask his wife first.

 

[Jeysie]

People canceling on me at the last minute also makes me very angry. Its basically the equivalent of saying, "My schedule is more important than yours." Now, there are good reasons for canceling of course, life happens. But if someone is going to cancel for a nonemergency, the DM deserves notice. Anything less would be uncivilized

QFT!

If I and the other people in the group go to the trouble to clear out *our* own schedules and prepare for a commitment, then I expect to be given as much fair warning as possible if one person has to back out, whether it's "just a game" or not.

Otherwise, if the session gets cancelled at the last minute, the rest of us have basically just wasted our time for the night; time we could have spent doing other things in our life that need to be done.

That's fine if it was an emergency, or something important and last minute that has to be done *right now*. But if you have advance notice, I expect you to say something about it ahead of time in warning. That's being responsible and courteous.

Peace & Luv, Liz

 

[Halivar]

They could have informed boerngrim EARLIER IN THE WEEK AND NOT AT THE LAST MOMENT that they were going to cancel. You ever think of that?

What if they didn't know? They couldn't get a babysitter. How are they supposed to know they won't successfully find one in a week? Children are disruptive to schedules; if you have friends with children, understand that they are "on call" 24/7, and they trump every plan you make.

Otherwise, if the session gets cancelled at the last minute, the rest of us have basically just wasted our time for the night; time we could have spent doing other things in our life that need to be done.

My group has to cancel at the last minute all the time. No biggee, we find something else to do. We're pretty good at finding ways to entertain ourselves.

Overall, I'm sometimes amazed at the sense of entitlement gamers have with respect to other peoples' priorities (quoth the Graham: "This is Advanced, Mark. ADVANCED!"). Now, I love D&D. I really do. I game 2-3 times a week. But I'm gonna have to go out on a limb and suggest that D&D is also the most unimportant thing in anyone's life. Sometimes I don't make it to watch Battlestar Gallactica with my friends. Sometimes I don't make dinner with them on Thursdays. So if I can't make it to the game Friday night because something infinitely more important came up, I don't expect my DM (or anyone else) to throw a temper-tantrum over it. Maybe I don't get to call them until an hour beforehand; doesn't matter. The real world interrupts my schedule at very inconvenient times. My gaming groups have always understood this (and done likewise), so I find it's out of my schema for others not to feel the same.

I totally don't understand why the OP is angry. Why is a canceled D&D game the end of the world? Why can't you be more understanding that happens when you have a family, and you don't always get notice?

PS: I've never cut out on a group in four years, but I reserve the right to. If a DM doesn't like that and tells me to leave the group, that would tell me they didn't really want to hang out with me, anyway; they just wanted a warm body at the table.

 

[ShadowDenizen]

ITA with Halivar. (And I don't even have kids!!!)

COnsider the whole post above Q.F.T.!!

 

[Dire Bare]

No. Exchanging heated words over it does.

If that is not self-evident to you and others reading and replying to this - then nothing I say is going to matter.

I'm kinda seeing it from Steel Wind's perspective.

Granted, we don't have all the details, but you got all pissy over the phone with a good friend over a missed GAME.

If this has happened to me, I would have said, "Well, that sucks, but miscommunication happens and it's not that big of a deal, so see you next time pal!"

Now if this pal and his wife cancel games on you all the time at the last minute, each time with a "good" excuse . . . that's different. But don't make this about his choice to not bring the kids, it'll just cost you all your argument points. Simply tell him your getting frustrated with the many cancellations and you want to work on better communication.

 

[boerngrim]

I'm kinda seeing it from Steel Wind's perspective.

Granted, we don't have all the details, but you got all pissy over the phone with a good friend over a missed GAME.

If this has happened to me, I would have said, "Well, that sucks, but miscommunication happens and it's not that big of a deal, so see you next time pal!"

Now if this pal and his wife cancel games on you all the time at the last minute, each time with a "good" excuse . . . that's different. But don't make this about his choice to not bring the kids, it'll just cost you all your argument points. Simply tell him your getting frustrated with the many cancellations and you want to work on better communication.

Actually Dire Bare I think you hit on the real problem. Its not about the kids at all. Its about me feeling pooped on because the one time I asked for a compromise on playing where it was better for me in over a year it couldn't be done. Again I'm not saying its rational its just
how I feel.
A couple weeks ago they had no problem with packing the kids in the car and driving an hour to my town to drop the kids off with K's mom while M went and got a tatoo. They had no problem packing the kids in the car again riding to my house and then driving an hour back to their house to play D&D. They've never had a problem with bringing the kids over to my house before until today. It just strikes me as unfair that the one time I asked them to make a change to the status quo it just wasn't possible.
But fine I'm willing to accept that I'm the bad guy because I spoke up about feeling pooped on. Thanks.

 

[Chimera]

I'm going to ignore the in-between, 90% of which I have read, and go back to the OP.

I need to put this down in writing to get it off my chest.

Hoarfrost. In other words, this has been building for some time.

We play every other weekend due to his work schedule. M and I take turns DMing. They live about an hour away. I have made the drive to their house for every session for about the past year and a half.

I think this is perhaps the basis of the issue. You perhaps feel that you have been entirely giving on your end by always going over to their place to play. Quite a sacrifice, that they do not share with you.

This weekend I needed to change the venue to my place because I'm feeding and letting out another friend's pets while he's out of town.

So now you need, for once, a change of venue. You would like to host and have THEM be the ones who drive for an hour. Not entirely unreasonable, but it runs smack into their comfort with the established pattern where YOU do the work and they sit back and wait for you to come to them.

I told M early last week about the needed venue change. M and wife have 2 kids age 5 and a bit over 1. M says he'll try to get his folks to watch the kids while we play. I say its no problem if they can't. Bring the kids with. He says OK. Its my understanding that this is the plan.

Question: Have you ever had issues with M being less than straight forward in carrying out his agreements with you? Because from this point, he seems to be passive-aggressive.

Today is game day. I call M today to find out what the plan is for the day. M tells me his parents can't take the kids and he and the wife don't want to bring them with, so they're not coming. I say man that sucks and we hang up.

How much in advance did you call him? If you were already waiting for him, then you could have a valid issue with him just blowing you off and not being courteous enough to call and let you know. If it was several hours in advance, he might just have not gotten to it yet in his otherwise busy schedule.

I'm disappointed. Then I get frustrated, then I get mad. I call back to tell M that I'm mad and I think it sucks that they're cancelling our plans at the last minute.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but...

M basically tells me I'm a no good jerk for being mad.

M, like Steel_Wind, says (and I totally DISagree); "Negative Emotions are Evil. You are a bad person for displaying them!".

We exchange heated words, and somehow its twisted to where I'm the one who's out of line because I think people should follow through on things they have agreed to do and not cancel at the last minute.

No, you were deemed 'out of line' because you displayed negative emotions and made M feel uncomfortable.

Apparently its also unreasonable for me to want to change the session to my place the odd time once a year or so.

Again, I think this is the root of the problem. M is entirely comfortable with the current arrangement where you do all the work. You are not and you are chaffing under both the load and M's unwillingness to contribute or compromise.

This isn't the first time they've cancelled on me at the last minute. The other times I'd already made the drive to their place and then had the session blown. I guess I should count my blessings. At least this time I didn't have to drive an hour to be let down.

M does not appreciate the amount of time and effort required to drive this distance in order to play, and he isn't interested in caring about or appreciating your effort in doing so. It is all about his comfort, his life, his schedule.

Now that isn't Evil, that isn't entirely wrong of him. But it isn't good for you.

You really need to sit down with him and let him know, CALMLY, how much effort you are putting in on this and how much it bothers you that you're not being met half-way and do not feel like you are being respected. Maybe he just hasn't considered it. Maybe he doesn't care. But you won't know until you try to work it out.

 

[Ourph]

But fine I'm willing to accept that I'm the bad guy because I spoke up about feeling pooped on. Thanks.

I think the distinction here is between speaking about feeling pooped on and yelling at someone because you felt pooped on. The "feeling" part is fine, it seems like the problem was likely in how you chose to communicate your feelings at the time.