Medieval-Style Insults, or: How to start a tavern fight in under six seconds.
- Thread starter Shiv
- Start date
Edena_of_Neith
First Post
How to start a tavern brawl ...
Have your character start shouting. And keep on stopping. This tactic ALWAYS works.
To get a grey elf into a barroom brawl: WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT IT. IT IS TOO DANGEROUS.
Grey elves are almost impossible to provoke.
However, once you do provoke a grey elf, it will be like a hornet's nest was dropped into the place.
If you must involve a grey elf in a barroom brawl, take a large keg of horse slop, and hurl it onto her.
If you survive, it will have been a most interesting experience.
High elves are easy prey.
Just tell the drunken, magic-hating barbarian over in the corner that a large number of (innately magical) elves with a lot of magical items have asked him to destroy said items for the betterment of all.
Wood elves are very easy to set off.
Simply talk about the large forest fire you intend to set tonight.
Wild (Grugach) elves are easiest of all.
Simply tell them you intend a new breeding program with captured wild elves, involving dwarves.
Halflings: halflings do not tend to brawl. One must use special tactics with them.
The best tactic is to pick one up, and use him as a missile against the drunken barbarian mentioned above.
Gnomes ... gnomes love pranks. Therefore, they are always suspect.
Light a faerie fire or the cantrip flashpuff under the drunken barbarian, then sit quietly back and wait for the fun to start.
Dwarves: dwarves are the supreme brawlers.
The easiest way to get a dwarf to brawl is the simplest: throw a beer stein and peg him on the head.
Or use your magic to substitute elven feywine for their dwarf spirits in their cups, then loudly proclaim your guilt, and dare them to do something about it.
Kender: WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CAUSE A KENDER TO BRAWL. IT IS TOO DANGEROUS.
If you must start a kender brawl, inform the kender that you are going to take all of his items by force, then destroy them.
Or, inform the kender how lousy a person his Uncle Trapspringer was.
The odds are you will not survive the brawl - if you do, you'll never forget the experience.
- - -
Racial slurs will not work against:
Grey elves
High elves
Halflings
Gnomes
Dwarves
Kender
Racial slurs might work against:
Wood elves
Wild (Grugach) elves
- - -
Appealing to male protective instincts (that is, you are dissing a female) will not work with:
High elves
Wood elves
Wild elves
Gnomes
Kender
It might work with:
Grey elves
Halflings
Dwarves
- - -
Appealing to female protective instincts (that is, you are dissing a male) will not work with:
High elves
Wood elves
Wild elves
Gnomes
Kender
It might work with:
Grey elves
Halflings
Dwarves
- - -
Slang and expletives will not work with:
Grey elves
Wood elves
Wild elves
Halflings
Kender
It might work with:
High elves
Gnomes
Dwarves
- - -
Throwing a beer stein will not work with:
Grey elves
Wood elves
Wild elves
Halflings
It might work with:
High elves
Gnomes
Dwarves
Kender
Have your character start shouting. And keep on stopping. This tactic ALWAYS works.
To get a grey elf into a barroom brawl: WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT IT. IT IS TOO DANGEROUS.
Grey elves are almost impossible to provoke.
However, once you do provoke a grey elf, it will be like a hornet's nest was dropped into the place.
If you must involve a grey elf in a barroom brawl, take a large keg of horse slop, and hurl it onto her.
If you survive, it will have been a most interesting experience.
High elves are easy prey.
Just tell the drunken, magic-hating barbarian over in the corner that a large number of (innately magical) elves with a lot of magical items have asked him to destroy said items for the betterment of all.
Wood elves are very easy to set off.
Simply talk about the large forest fire you intend to set tonight.
Wild (Grugach) elves are easiest of all.
Simply tell them you intend a new breeding program with captured wild elves, involving dwarves.
Halflings: halflings do not tend to brawl. One must use special tactics with them.
The best tactic is to pick one up, and use him as a missile against the drunken barbarian mentioned above.
Gnomes ... gnomes love pranks. Therefore, they are always suspect.
Light a faerie fire or the cantrip flashpuff under the drunken barbarian, then sit quietly back and wait for the fun to start.
Dwarves: dwarves are the supreme brawlers.
The easiest way to get a dwarf to brawl is the simplest: throw a beer stein and peg him on the head.
Or use your magic to substitute elven feywine for their dwarf spirits in their cups, then loudly proclaim your guilt, and dare them to do something about it.
Kender: WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CAUSE A KENDER TO BRAWL. IT IS TOO DANGEROUS.
If you must start a kender brawl, inform the kender that you are going to take all of his items by force, then destroy them.
Or, inform the kender how lousy a person his Uncle Trapspringer was.
The odds are you will not survive the brawl - if you do, you'll never forget the experience.
- - -
Racial slurs will not work against:
Grey elves
High elves
Halflings
Gnomes
Dwarves
Kender
Racial slurs might work against:
Wood elves
Wild (Grugach) elves
- - -
Appealing to male protective instincts (that is, you are dissing a female) will not work with:
High elves
Wood elves
Wild elves
Gnomes
Kender
It might work with:
Grey elves
Halflings
Dwarves
- - -
Appealing to female protective instincts (that is, you are dissing a male) will not work with:
High elves
Wood elves
Wild elves
Gnomes
Kender
It might work with:
Grey elves
Halflings
Dwarves
- - -
Slang and expletives will not work with:
Grey elves
Wood elves
Wild elves
Halflings
Kender
It might work with:
High elves
Gnomes
Dwarves
- - -
Throwing a beer stein will not work with:
Grey elves
Wood elves
Wild elves
Halflings
It might work with:
High elves
Gnomes
Dwarves
Kender
Last edited:
laiyna said:
Mass Charm? How's that work?
"Yes, you all are now my trusted friends! We are compatriots, you and I! Now, fight each other! Trust me, it'll be fun!" I don'think so.
You don't need Mass Charm. You just need a single Charm Person - on the biggest guy in the place. Tell him (now your trusty friend) that the second biggest guy in the place said his mother was a hamster, and his father smelled of elderberries. I mean, since when do tavern fights stay between two people?
drnuncheon
Explorer
Edena_of_Neith said:
You have got to be kidding me. Calling a dwarf 'stunty' or 'shorty' is a good way to lose your legs at the knees. While it may be more effective to insult their clan or family specifically, insulting all of dwarfdom is going to earn you some pain.
I must also disagree with your statement about grey elves being 'dangerous' in a tavern brawl - you have clearly been taken in by elven propaganda. With their standard low elven con, they are usually sloshed by the time the brawl breaks out. The alcohol negates their natural bonuses in intelligence and dexterity, and their lack of physical strength means that most combatants can laugh off their feeble punches.
If you want to be worried about an elf in a tavern brawl, might I suggest the wood elf? The booze goes straight to their head, just like other elves, but they tend to be more belligerent - and they pack quite a punch.
J
Mathew_Freeman
Adventurer
I'm not sure anyone actually does this any more, but it occours to me that the famous line "Ho landlord, a flagon of your finest ale!" is fairly likely to land you in a tavern brawl for sheer unorginality.
Rashak Mani
First Post
Is that big sword some kind of compensation thing ?
Steve Conan Trustrum
Explorer
You stink so bad even the Black Plague wouldn't go near you.
Ralts Bloodthorne
First Post
Can I play.....
First, something on the "Is this racism?" thing....
Racism, as spoken today, is actually being prejudiced against people of different ethnic backgrounds. See, we are all part of the human race.
Racism in D&D is understandable. See, there really isn't that much difference between various human ethnicities. There is a world of difference between an elf and a halfling, both biological and psychological.
Now, onto the insults!!!
"Ahh, there you are, Lord Tormkin, I mistook thee for thy illbred, hunchbacked offspring that you spawned upon a randy ogress."
"Oh yes, I've heard of Elven courtesy. Wasn't that what they extended to the hero of the Second Humaniod War?" (History tells of how he was drug before the Elvish council in chains for daring to defend human lands once the Elvish lands were secured from the threat.
"Tell me, sir, your mother gave herself willingly, did she not?" (To a half-orc whose orcish mother was raped by a human mercenary during the Ninth Humaniod War)
"I find thy breeding grotesque, and thy face a misshapen parody of elvish features. Morever, I find thy coiffere to be more akin to the befouled hair that grows upon the hindquarters of a leperous kobold. Tell me, low-elven one, did by some chance, after being sequestered by humans who spurned her, did thy ancesterous take her pleasure in thy family stables?" (Instant bar-fight!)
First, something on the "Is this racism?" thing....
Racism, as spoken today, is actually being prejudiced against people of different ethnic backgrounds. See, we are all part of the human race.
Racism in D&D is understandable. See, there really isn't that much difference between various human ethnicities. There is a world of difference between an elf and a halfling, both biological and psychological.
Now, onto the insults!!!
"Ahh, there you are, Lord Tormkin, I mistook thee for thy illbred, hunchbacked offspring that you spawned upon a randy ogress."
"Oh yes, I've heard of Elven courtesy. Wasn't that what they extended to the hero of the Second Humaniod War?" (History tells of how he was drug before the Elvish council in chains for daring to defend human lands once the Elvish lands were secured from the threat.
"Tell me, sir, your mother gave herself willingly, did she not?" (To a half-orc whose orcish mother was raped by a human mercenary during the Ninth Humaniod War)
"I find thy breeding grotesque, and thy face a misshapen parody of elvish features. Morever, I find thy coiffere to be more akin to the befouled hair that grows upon the hindquarters of a leperous kobold. Tell me, low-elven one, did by some chance, after being sequestered by humans who spurned her, did thy ancesterous take her pleasure in thy family stables?" (Instant bar-fight!)
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