Why do women send mixed signals?

[The_Universe]

In a word YES.

Right - as long as it's not ridiculous (which is how I expect every deviation seems to someone with AS). Here's a good trick - assign less importance to every day events. If something like this really upsets you, your perspective is a little out of whack. You might not be able to change it. But even just being *aware* that its out of whack helps.

 

[alsih2o]

Ok, so I was talking with this girl I meeet though a personal service. We have not meet, just talked on the phone. SHE asks if I wanted to meet her tonight for dinner. I said sure. So at my lunch hour today, I call her today on my lunch hour to take care of the details, ect.. Then she says she can't meet because she has to make plans with her family for the holiday weekend. Why ask me to dinner and then back off all of sudden? I'm sick and tired of getting mixed signals from women. "Ken, i know I kissed you on the mouth, but I did not mean it THAT way." and " I know I'm sleeping right against you in my panites and your tshirt, but we are just friends." Why can't women be more straghtforward?

I figure 5% or less of ENWorld is women. Do you really think you are going to get an answer that is a solution from a gaming website that is over 90% men?

 

[Droid101]

Damn, Teflon Billy ownz.

 

[alsih2o]

God made me this way. If he wants He can change the way I am. I did not ask to be this way, God screwed me by making me this way. But I will not take drugs or pretend to be fake. As far as the GF taking me to those places, it was the SAME PEOPLE, ALL THE TIME. After the first 5 times of having the same converation, it gets old, fast.

So, if god took your legs would you refuse crutches or a wheelchair?

Drugs are a physical aid, just like crutches. Think about it.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

You have to give more then you get. You can't be unbending, if you are you will break the relationship. Communication is so very important.

This could be one of the most important statements made in this thread, so I'll quote it one more time.

You have to give more then you get. You can't be unbending, if you are you will break the relationship. Communication is so very important.

I will admit that my knowledge and understanding of Asperger's is pretty minimal, but I think you, Ken, have to understand that unless you find an absolute saint of a woman who completely understands this difference you have, you will have no choice but to make some efforts on your part, some of which may not come naturally.

Completely honest, completely open communications do not work with most of the U.S. population that does not have Apserger's Syndrome. Those of us who do not have this condition do say things we do not mean in order to be polite and we also expect other people to do the same, it is a part of our culture, and is not something that is easy to change.

What you are going to have to accept is that, when you find a woman who is genuinely interested in you and is willing to accept you for who you are, she will, out of understanding of you condition, make an effort at being more directly honest with you. It will not be natural for her to do so, and as result she may not be perfect at it. You then have to go against your own natural tendencies and try and accept that she was not trying to be hurtful or deceiving, but just acted naturally.

As an aside, my guess is that the personal ads may not be the best way for you to meet women. The early stages of dating someone whom you do not know are difficult enough without this potential communication disconnect that your Asperger's could bring on. I would think your best bet would be to meet women through people you know who understand you and who could help bridge any potential misunderstandings. I could be way off on this, but maybe not.

 

[Mercule]

Sorry that guy was annoying. I generally don't do any social things except when I have to, small groups of close friends, people I work with, at work. I don't want to get the wrong signal fromm anyone and screw it up. Also, I really don't care about people making "small talk" or seeming generally interested in what someone else has to say at a party that I never met before when I could care less. I'm sure everyone at the party is nice and all, but I don't need anything from them or want anything to do with them. All that socialiizing and small talk is boring and I can tell people are doing it just to be polite. I really don't feel the need to do all that BS'ing, and people label me a freak because I don't like to socialize. All I want is to find a nice girl to settle down with. I have the place, I have the job I'm happy with. I just want a special someone to share it with.
I have a cousin I only see once a year on Xmas eve. After I got my first real computer, that year I gave her my email because she said she was going to email me. I thought it would be great and we could grow closer. The whole year went by and not a signal email. When I saw her again I asked why she did not email me. She shrugged and said "sorry I forgot, hehe" and laughed it off as some kind of joke. I talked about this with someone and they told me when she said she would email me, it was just small talk and I should not have taken it like she was going to accually do it. WTF? Its ok for someone to say they are going to do something and then not do it? If I said I was going to do something and did not do it, people would think I'm lazy or dumb. But its ok for other people to do that, but not me.
That is how someone with AS sees other people. Thanks for letting me vent about it.

What's the most common word in that post? "I". "I want", "I'm happy", "I need". Are you really saying that you have no interest in what the lady wants? If so, you don't deserve to have a ladyfriend.

Look, I hate small talk. I really don't care about how my wife almost dropped the last pound of ground beef in the dog bowl, but saved it so we could have dinner. It all worked out, right? Why tell me? I dunno. I listen, though. Why? BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT TO HER AND SHE'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

Until you're willing to make your SO's priorities a priority to you, you aren't going to have a good relationship. Ever. That doesn't mean that you should be a doormat. It does mean that you should have feelings for them as a person and not just as a tool.

In fact, until you are willing to at least pretend to be interested in the other person for more than what you can get from them, you probably won't have more than a second date. That's because you're openly asking them to be a doormat for you.

If you are unwilling to bend on this, I suggest you move to Nevada, where prostitution is legal and hire a housekeeper/cook. That should meet all your solitary needs.

Oh, and before you think I'm being insulting, I'm not. You said you have trouble reading between the lines. I'm just being blunt and straightforward.

 

[TiQuinn]

I did some thinking, I think people with AS that don't like to socialize are better off then people that always have to do that BS to feel good about themselves.

Yes, this thread is a testimony to how better off you are.

 

[Darth K'Trava]

I'm not a guy, and if you think Queen_Dopplepoppolis is a guy, you have some serious gender confusion issues.

I guess this person's mixing us up with Teflon Billy, who's done alot of the advice posting here...

 

[Turanil]

This looks like a flame war... I must post before the thread is closed.

I think finding some kind of therapy or training, might go a long way towards making you happy

This coment may sound insulting, but I would nonetheless advice the same. I think that you are overreacting to rude behaviours, and thus suffering. However, it's much easier to change oneself (yet it's very difficult) than change others. A good therapy could alleviate certain forgotten humiliations (100% conjectures of course) that make you badly react to rude behaviors (even slightly rude).

 

[Darth K'Trava]

God made me this way. If he wants He can change the way I am. I did not ask to be this way, God screwed me by making me this way. But I will not take drugs or pretend to be fake. As far as the GF taking me to those places, it was the SAME PEOPLE, ALL THE TIME. After the first 5 times of having the same converation, it gets old, fast.

God didn't "screw you over". He has a plan for all this... You just don't know what it is.... And you're not the first guy to have had 5 times of dealing with women issues... I have two friends who have that same #... :\ There's one out there for ya... and one who can understand the health problems you have.