RangerWickett
Legend
It is as it should be.
And thank goodness. Now I can go and edit.
And thank goodness. Now I can go and edit.
Fall Ceramic Dm™ - Winner!
mythago
Hero
Round One, Set Four
BardStephenFox
MarauderX - Untitled
MarauderX brings us a tale that unravels in an interesting way. The opening is a bit heavy with three pictures introduced almost immediatelyInitially they make almost no sense. But it wraps together at the end. It is a very interesting tale.
The idea and delivery of this story is a little dangerous. There is the possibility that you will quickly lose the interest of the audience. While the protagonist's background is interesting, it might be a little too detailed. You do a good job establishing why the protagonist works on classified projects, but the depth of background ultimately doesn't drive the story forward. There is a lot of extraneous information in the story. On one hand it is good to have detail on the protagonist. On the other hand, it slows the pacing of the story somewhat. I don't know what the right balance is, but I think a little detail trimming might be in order.
Unfortunately there is a tense shift late in the story from past to present tense. This was a bit jarring. Anytime I find myself having to read over a sentence or paragraph to be sure I didn't miss something, there is a problem to the story. With the abundance of detail and the tense shift, I had to break the flow of the story and doublecheck to be sure I didn't miss a crucial detail.
Picture Use:
It is interesting that you employ each picture twice. It almost works if you could have found a way to mirror each picture within the dream and then in the reality. I was worried when I saw so many pictures right at the beginning. Having read through the story I think it was a clever idea.
The picture of the plane really doesn't have much significance to the story. The plane itself serves as the object of contention, but the integration with the picture doesn't carry the story forward at all.
The matches are distinctive because of the picture, but their distinction again doesn't seem an integral part of the story.
The picture of Felix seems a bit out of place. But it is a picture of one of the characters.
The picture of the building serves as the bracketing image for the story. Having it be the last thing the protagonist sees is a nice touch.
The picture use here isn't terribly strong. The pictures are competently included but do not seem to be integral parts of the story.
There are some very interesting ideas in the execution of the story. The underlying idea is interesting and I can quite easily imagine it as an episode in a TV show akin to the Twilight Zone. But as a written story I think it loses some of it's power in delivery.
Spacemonkey - Micro-Fury
Spacemonkey's entry is a techno-spy-story. We have some neat techno-gadgets, but in the end it is the work of the agents that matters.
The opener is a bit weak. It is a little confusing as to why we should care. But you do setup a plausible scene to include the picture of the poisoned Nate later.
Your dialog is pretty good. There are a few places where it could use some rework and polish, but overall it works pretty well.
One thing that you managed to convey well was the off feeling of Dawson's actions. I kept thinking he was the actual bad guy and I was just waiting to see if Kate would pick up the same signals I was. Some might view this as a weakness. It would be if you were striving for mystery. But it isn't necessarily a weakness if you were striving for action. I didn't consider it a weakness, but if you were working for a mystery element, then I am wrong.
I am a bit confused on how big this wedding present is. Since Kate keeps carrying it under her arm, I kept imagining a large present. Perhaps the size of an average computer keyboard. So I was a little surprised when she suddenly sticks this splinter into her hair. I think a little more description regarding the present would go a long way to clarify the image.
Picture Use:
The picture of a paralyzed Nate is decent. The fact that it sets up the conflict for the story is good.
You did a good job explaining why the Matchbox was important. The fact that the object is not quite what it appears to be in the picture is a nice twist. It is definitely important since it is what Dawson is selling and what Kate is trying to recover.
The Shadow wasn't quite as strong. Mostly it is used as the obligatory high-tech gadget at the disposal of the hero. The story almost demands such a device because of the genre, but it isn't used in a particularly meaningful manner.
The drugstore scrapes by as well. You need a location for the confrontation and you do a good job tying in the theme of the store to the Matchbox. But it is a tenuous connection and seems just a little mundane for an exchange on this seeming scale to occur in.
Still, you had pretty good picture use all around.
Comparison:
Unfortunately Ketjak did not finish a story to compare against. On the positive side, we still have two fun stories from MarauderX and Spacemonkey. Both stories have elements of high-tech gadgetry and espionage. I suppose the picture of the plane served as a strong inspiration in this case.
[sblock]MarauderX has a good concept but the implementation falls a bit flat for me. Spacemonkey's story is a solid genre story. Coupled with stronger picture use, I give this round to Spacemonkey.[/sblock]
Maldur
Ketjak vs. spacemonkey vs. MarauderX
Ketjak
Unfortunately not to be found
Spacemonkey
Nice and clean agency/spy story, very vivid imaging, well done.
MarauderX
This is a new one (at least as far as I can remember), multiple uses for
each picture. Another "agency/spy"story, it seems that the blackbird
induces a agecy feel.
Nice reverce story, but I suspect taht the story would work better in
images (tv or film). Nifty idea though, well done
Judgement:
[sblock]I liked the flow in spacemonkeys story better, so that is
where my vote goes.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
ketjak v Spacemonkey v MarauderX
Gotta love Ceramic DM. Two contestants, one set of wierd pictures, and they independently come up with very similar stories.
Marauder X starts off with a dream sequence, and that can be a real handicap, especially when three of the four pictures are put into play right off the bat. Still, the tone has a dream-like quality, that mix of the real and surreal.
The story picks up when the protagonist awakens. There is just enough exposition to give the character the necessary amount of background, and to establish him as a good guy. The banter and interaction with his subordinates also rings true, and sets up later events. The kidnapping is handled well, although the dialogue was a little jarring -- the enemies act like competent professionals, but talk like a bunch of good ol' boys.
Throughout, the story maintains that detached quality. The main character seems almost like he's sleep walking through events, awaking only at that point where the events of the dream began to play out in reality. The symmetry of the beginning and the end doesn't really work, though. There isn't enough logic to events to make the resolution seem plausible. It needed to be as tight and grounded in reality as the dream was fantastic -- you want the reader to have that 'A-ha!' moment when everything falls into place, and it just doesn't happen. Throughout the story, the outline of a pretty neat thriller is there, but the details aren't sufficient to flesh it out. The 'who' is there, and the 'how', but the 'why' is missing.
Picture use is kind of weak. Pictures in a dream almost always hurt, because its the easy way out. They are redeemed somewhat by the ending, but not enough. Using the Blackbird as it was was pretty good, especially as it was central to the events of the story.
Spacemonkey --
This story starts off with a bang, and establishes an interesting character in Kate right off the bat. The pacing is good -- start to finish, there is a good blend of action, exposition, and dialogue. The technobabble hits the right note, and the author does a good job of establishing the Agency and the main players in short order. Kate's reaction to the death of her friend seems too subdued; yes, she is a secret agent, but having her show more emotion would have added some depth to the character.
Tieing the wedding gift into the implement of revenge was a nice touch. Sending the Shadow off on autopilot as a decoy seemed a little far fetched, though, and the timing was a little off. Kate's reasoning for suspecting Dawson works, though, and the end confrontation is quick and effective.
Picture use is average. The dead groom is a bit weak -- he's clearly not a corpse. Similary, the picture of the drugstore is just used as dressing, although the flavor text around it elevates it somewhat. The Shadow is good, with the nod to the Blackbird, and the matches as technomagical McGuffin is a clever choice.
Judgement:
[sblock]Gotta love Ceramic DM. Two contestants, one set of wierd pictures, and they independently come up with very similar stories. Spacemonkey takes the prize, though[/sblock]
BardStephenFox
MarauderX - Untitled
MarauderX brings us a tale that unravels in an interesting way. The opening is a bit heavy with three pictures introduced almost immediatelyInitially they make almost no sense. But it wraps together at the end. It is a very interesting tale.
The idea and delivery of this story is a little dangerous. There is the possibility that you will quickly lose the interest of the audience. While the protagonist's background is interesting, it might be a little too detailed. You do a good job establishing why the protagonist works on classified projects, but the depth of background ultimately doesn't drive the story forward. There is a lot of extraneous information in the story. On one hand it is good to have detail on the protagonist. On the other hand, it slows the pacing of the story somewhat. I don't know what the right balance is, but I think a little detail trimming might be in order.
Unfortunately there is a tense shift late in the story from past to present tense. This was a bit jarring. Anytime I find myself having to read over a sentence or paragraph to be sure I didn't miss something, there is a problem to the story. With the abundance of detail and the tense shift, I had to break the flow of the story and doublecheck to be sure I didn't miss a crucial detail.
Picture Use:
It is interesting that you employ each picture twice. It almost works if you could have found a way to mirror each picture within the dream and then in the reality. I was worried when I saw so many pictures right at the beginning. Having read through the story I think it was a clever idea.
The picture of the plane really doesn't have much significance to the story. The plane itself serves as the object of contention, but the integration with the picture doesn't carry the story forward at all.
The matches are distinctive because of the picture, but their distinction again doesn't seem an integral part of the story.
The picture of Felix seems a bit out of place. But it is a picture of one of the characters.
The picture of the building serves as the bracketing image for the story. Having it be the last thing the protagonist sees is a nice touch.
The picture use here isn't terribly strong. The pictures are competently included but do not seem to be integral parts of the story.
There are some very interesting ideas in the execution of the story. The underlying idea is interesting and I can quite easily imagine it as an episode in a TV show akin to the Twilight Zone. But as a written story I think it loses some of it's power in delivery.
Spacemonkey - Micro-Fury
Spacemonkey's entry is a techno-spy-story. We have some neat techno-gadgets, but in the end it is the work of the agents that matters.
The opener is a bit weak. It is a little confusing as to why we should care. But you do setup a plausible scene to include the picture of the poisoned Nate later.
Your dialog is pretty good. There are a few places where it could use some rework and polish, but overall it works pretty well.
One thing that you managed to convey well was the off feeling of Dawson's actions. I kept thinking he was the actual bad guy and I was just waiting to see if Kate would pick up the same signals I was. Some might view this as a weakness. It would be if you were striving for mystery. But it isn't necessarily a weakness if you were striving for action. I didn't consider it a weakness, but if you were working for a mystery element, then I am wrong.
I am a bit confused on how big this wedding present is. Since Kate keeps carrying it under her arm, I kept imagining a large present. Perhaps the size of an average computer keyboard. So I was a little surprised when she suddenly sticks this splinter into her hair. I think a little more description regarding the present would go a long way to clarify the image.
Picture Use:
The picture of a paralyzed Nate is decent. The fact that it sets up the conflict for the story is good.
You did a good job explaining why the Matchbox was important. The fact that the object is not quite what it appears to be in the picture is a nice twist. It is definitely important since it is what Dawson is selling and what Kate is trying to recover.
The Shadow wasn't quite as strong. Mostly it is used as the obligatory high-tech gadget at the disposal of the hero. The story almost demands such a device because of the genre, but it isn't used in a particularly meaningful manner.
The drugstore scrapes by as well. You need a location for the confrontation and you do a good job tying in the theme of the store to the Matchbox. But it is a tenuous connection and seems just a little mundane for an exchange on this seeming scale to occur in.
Still, you had pretty good picture use all around.
Comparison:
Unfortunately Ketjak did not finish a story to compare against. On the positive side, we still have two fun stories from MarauderX and Spacemonkey. Both stories have elements of high-tech gadgetry and espionage. I suppose the picture of the plane served as a strong inspiration in this case.
[sblock]MarauderX has a good concept but the implementation falls a bit flat for me. Spacemonkey's story is a solid genre story. Coupled with stronger picture use, I give this round to Spacemonkey.[/sblock]
Maldur
Ketjak vs. spacemonkey vs. MarauderX
Ketjak
Unfortunately not to be found
Spacemonkey
Nice and clean agency/spy story, very vivid imaging, well done.
MarauderX
This is a new one (at least as far as I can remember), multiple uses for
each picture. Another "agency/spy"story, it seems that the blackbird
induces a agecy feel.
Nice reverce story, but I suspect taht the story would work better in
images (tv or film). Nifty idea though, well done
Judgement:
[sblock]I liked the flow in spacemonkeys story better, so that is
where my vote goes.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
ketjak v Spacemonkey v MarauderX
Gotta love Ceramic DM. Two contestants, one set of wierd pictures, and they independently come up with very similar stories.
Marauder X starts off with a dream sequence, and that can be a real handicap, especially when three of the four pictures are put into play right off the bat. Still, the tone has a dream-like quality, that mix of the real and surreal.
The story picks up when the protagonist awakens. There is just enough exposition to give the character the necessary amount of background, and to establish him as a good guy. The banter and interaction with his subordinates also rings true, and sets up later events. The kidnapping is handled well, although the dialogue was a little jarring -- the enemies act like competent professionals, but talk like a bunch of good ol' boys.
Throughout, the story maintains that detached quality. The main character seems almost like he's sleep walking through events, awaking only at that point where the events of the dream began to play out in reality. The symmetry of the beginning and the end doesn't really work, though. There isn't enough logic to events to make the resolution seem plausible. It needed to be as tight and grounded in reality as the dream was fantastic -- you want the reader to have that 'A-ha!' moment when everything falls into place, and it just doesn't happen. Throughout the story, the outline of a pretty neat thriller is there, but the details aren't sufficient to flesh it out. The 'who' is there, and the 'how', but the 'why' is missing.
Picture use is kind of weak. Pictures in a dream almost always hurt, because its the easy way out. They are redeemed somewhat by the ending, but not enough. Using the Blackbird as it was was pretty good, especially as it was central to the events of the story.
Spacemonkey --
This story starts off with a bang, and establishes an interesting character in Kate right off the bat. The pacing is good -- start to finish, there is a good blend of action, exposition, and dialogue. The technobabble hits the right note, and the author does a good job of establishing the Agency and the main players in short order. Kate's reaction to the death of her friend seems too subdued; yes, she is a secret agent, but having her show more emotion would have added some depth to the character.
Tieing the wedding gift into the implement of revenge was a nice touch. Sending the Shadow off on autopilot as a decoy seemed a little far fetched, though, and the timing was a little off. Kate's reasoning for suspecting Dawson works, though, and the end confrontation is quick and effective.
Picture use is average. The dead groom is a bit weak -- he's clearly not a corpse. Similary, the picture of the drugstore is just used as dressing, although the flavor text around it elevates it somewhat. The Shadow is good, with the nod to the Blackbird, and the matches as technomagical McGuffin is a clever choice.
Judgement:
[sblock]Gotta love Ceramic DM. Two contestants, one set of wierd pictures, and they independently come up with very similar stories. Spacemonkey takes the prize, though[/sblock]
yangnome
First Post
OK, comments:
Congrats Sialia, you deserved the win. Thanks again to the judges for your time, effort and comments. Once again, I agree with the criticism offered.
I agree with BSF that my timeline was off and that the flashback seemed funny. I started off thinking it would be an interesting way to go, then was going to change it to a linear story at the last minute, but decided against it. Actually, I decided to do it, but got distrated while writing and forgot to make the change.
I also agree that there are a couple places where my tone changes. This is another draw back of writing the story from work. The places where this happens are places I was distracted by people, or had to go accomplish a task and come back to the story later.
I too wanted to originally visit the happenings in the park, or some other large element at the end of the story. Things just kind of deflated for me near the end though. I had the last minute idea of killing RW's imaginary friend, which was fun, but it kind of caused me to lose focus on the rest of the story. I ultimately decided to end it with the demise of Dr Wanger.
The hand keypad bugged the heck out of me. I wanted to tie it in better, but I couldn't for the life of me figure uot a way to discover some meaningful code inside the letters and hands in the cement. Instead, I decided to leave it vague. I wish I would have found something clever for the character to use.
I too wanted to initially interrogate him as a rat. This woulnd up being an issue of me running low on time.
Anyway, I agree that I was outmatched by my other two opponents. It was bad enough in the last IR gong against RW the first time. This time I was floored when I saw I had to take both him and Sialia on. Can I please get a little mercy next time around?
Anyway, thanks again to everyone. It'll be interesting to see how the rest of this pans out.
Congrats Sialia, you deserved the win. Thanks again to the judges for your time, effort and comments. Once again, I agree with the criticism offered.
I agree with BSF that my timeline was off and that the flashback seemed funny. I started off thinking it would be an interesting way to go, then was going to change it to a linear story at the last minute, but decided against it. Actually, I decided to do it, but got distrated while writing and forgot to make the change.
I also agree that there are a couple places where my tone changes. This is another draw back of writing the story from work. The places where this happens are places I was distracted by people, or had to go accomplish a task and come back to the story later.
I too wanted to originally visit the happenings in the park, or some other large element at the end of the story. Things just kind of deflated for me near the end though. I had the last minute idea of killing RW's imaginary friend, which was fun, but it kind of caused me to lose focus on the rest of the story. I ultimately decided to end it with the demise of Dr Wanger.
The hand keypad bugged the heck out of me. I wanted to tie it in better, but I couldn't for the life of me figure uot a way to discover some meaningful code inside the letters and hands in the cement. Instead, I decided to leave it vague. I wish I would have found something clever for the character to use.
I too wanted to initially interrogate him as a rat. This woulnd up being an issue of me running low on time.
Anyway, I agree that I was outmatched by my other two opponents. It was bad enough in the last IR gong against RW the first time. This time I was floored when I saw I had to take both him and Sialia on. Can I please get a little mercy next time around?
Anyway, thanks again to everyone. It'll be interesting to see how the rest of this pans out.
BSF
Explorer
Yangnome, for what it is worth I think you have the capacity as a writer to take on Sialia and Rangerwickett. Both are good writers, but you also have that capacity. Writing under distracting circumstances can be a problem. Avoid that in the future and tighten up your writing a little bit. You have the potential if you really want to work toward it.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
BardStephenFox said:
Second that. No one here is unbeatable. I can't recall seeing any finished product submitted to Ceramic DM that wasn't a contender, and often I've seen stories that lost in one matchup that would have won in any other pairing (or triplet-ing?). Sometimes it's just the (bad) luck of the draw.
BSF
Explorer
maxfieldjadenfox said:
Catching up a little since it is slower than normal at work today.
I have thought about doing a story hour for the ardania campaign, but I generally decide not to. I don't want to split my energy further than it already is and there are too many different perspectives for me to feel good about tying it all together correctly. The alternative is to do a singular journal, but Stephen's character perspective doesn't do the entire campaign justice. In some ways we have too much depth to make it an easy effort. But it does make it fun to play in!
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Hey, I just looked at post #1 on this list and noticed I'm not there... 
Well, I'm there in the match ups, but not the contestant list... Could I be on the list, please? It would make me feel more "real".
Well, I'm there in the match ups, but not the contestant list... Could I be on the list, please? It would make me feel more "real".
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
BardStephenFox said:
We could always do deuling journals, like Erelai is, but I don't know if anyone but you and I would participate... I enjoyed writing the Grey Eyes thread with you though.
BSF
Explorer
OK, doing a half-elven perspective would be amusing.
Sialia,
I finally allowed myself to read more of your posts. It is very interesting to hear where stories come from. I agree with you that Katrina has been a huge hit to my energy. We have stores in the Gulf Coast so I do know people impacted in some way by all that. I don't think any of them were hit the worst, but they were affected.
Re: Calling out of other competitors
I fully support it! Sialia nailed me hard the time I wrote against her. If you read her story - Professor Volpe was a half-blood. Foxes belong to genus Volpes. My character, Stephen Fox is a half-elf. Then there is the entire bard angle...
Of course, she also included references to other folks on the board. So I wasn't particularly singular there.
I have made references to several folks on the board. Both calling out opponents and even mocking the judges at times. I am pretty sure Macbeth has as well.
But I must applaud Yangnome for pulling in references to imaginary friends. Very well done!
It is fun and I encourage people to do it when it works for the story.
Sialia,
I finally allowed myself to read more of your posts. It is very interesting to hear where stories come from. I agree with you that Katrina has been a huge hit to my energy. We have stores in the Gulf Coast so I do know people impacted in some way by all that. I don't think any of them were hit the worst, but they were affected.
Re: Calling out of other competitors
I fully support it! Sialia nailed me hard the time I wrote against her. If you read her story - Professor Volpe was a half-blood. Foxes belong to genus Volpes. My character, Stephen Fox is a half-elf. Then there is the entire bard angle...
Of course, she also included references to other folks on the board. So I wasn't particularly singular there.
I have made references to several folks on the board. Both calling out opponents and even mocking the judges at times. I am pretty sure Macbeth has as well.
But I must applaud Yangnome for pulling in references to imaginary friends. Very well done!
It is fun and I encourage people to do it when it works for the story.
Tolen Mar
First Post
I spend most of my time lurking around here, so I havent built much of a friendship with anyone. Otherwise I think Im likely the type that would do that kind of thing.
Right now, the only people I know well enough for such a thing are people like alsih2o and teflon billy...more or less by reputation only.
Besides, Ive already consigned myself to the fact that if someone who can write like Rangerwickett can lose the first round, I don't stand a chance.
Right now, the only people I know well enough for such a thing are people like alsih2o and teflon billy...more or less by reputation only.
Besides, Ive already consigned myself to the fact that if someone who can write like Rangerwickett can lose the first round, I don't stand a chance.
Similar Threads
