It's hard being an adult gamer

[cmanos]

take some time off to play. Thats what I am doing. We've been playing almost every other week since January. It's a beautiful thing. 8 of us actually working our schedules to get games in, and adjusting other things to try and make the time. I guess it helps that only one of us (the DM) is married and has kids, and even then it is only every other weekend as the ex-wife has the kids the rest of the time.

If I can ask, how big is your group? If one of the problems is getting all 8 people together to play every other week, try paring down your group to 4 players. 5 Schedules are much easier to work with than 9.

 

[Dirt]

Well when I formed the new group, everyone discussed it together and agreed to schedule the 1st and 3rd Saturdays of the month. We haven't gone by that schedule yet in 6 months. So then I started just emailing everyone 1.5 to 2 weeks in advance. At first it seemed great, everyone said they could make it. Friday rolls around and I get 2 out of 4 cancelling. When a 3rd heard that they cancelled, he felt it would be better for him to skip out also that weekend.

I read your original post at the top, and then skimmed the rest...but I'm going to give my opinion anyway.

I GMed a gaming group (with nearly the same group of players) since I was 18 (I'm 30 now).

I believe that one of the things that kept us playing every week (as adults, with plenty of responsibilities and relationships) was the day that we game on. We play during the week...not on a weekend.

The weekends are sacred to most of us, and while most of us are obsessed about D&D, it's difficult to make those weekends available.

Have you considered trying a different day? I know that week days sounds less appealing (and you may very well get less game time in), but at least you'll be playing regularly.

Just a thought...

 

[J-Buzz]

I would talk to them about when they would prefer to play. Maybe a weekday game would work better. It is easier for me to make a weekday game vs a weekend game, as there are other interests I like to persue. IE: I like to camp and fish, and if that is available on the weekend I would do that vs gaming.

Although when there is nothing to do a long weekend game is fun....

But the good thing is they are adults and you should be able to talk to them without hurting anyones feelings. So I would ask them if they would perfer a different time, or tell them that if interest does not pick up you will stop the game. They should understand, that your time is just as important as their time, if they don't you don't want to be gaming with them.

 

[DaveMage]

I had a similar issue with my group.

I was the DM and there were 4 players. 2 players (a couple) canceled a lot more than the other two due to other interests (not that there's anything wrong with having other interests).

What we finally decided to do was let those 2 players tell *us* when they wanted to play. They never did. Obviously D&D was much higher a priority with the rest of us than it was for those two. So, finally, the remaining 2 players and I decided to start our own game and we play much more often. We use gestalt characters to make up for the deficiency in the number of players. It has worked out *very* well.

 

[PJ-Mason]

Its about wanting to play. How bad do you want to do it? (i'm noy speaking to anyone specifically here, btw) If its not that important to you, you'll find plenty of excuses to ditch the game, weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly. I've known plenty of people who have jobs, families, AND long commutes to get to a game...but they make it to the game. Because it was important for them. Its their favorite hobby. Most anyone can scrape together 4 or 5 hours to play a game if they wanted to actually play the game. Especially if ita s regular game that they known to plan for. Anyone can come up with a an excuse to ditch and i've seen someone use being married or having children as BS excuse before, more than once. Ocassionally, things happen (sick child, work schedule) and you miss a game. It happens to everybody. But if it happens a lot, odds are its more that you don't care that much about being there than you having a fuller life than other people. Own up to it. Its the rare, RARE bird who's life is so chaotic or "full" that they can't put aside 3-5 hours a week/month to do something they supposedly like to do.

My pet peeve is those "gamers" who know they aren't THAT interested in making a weekly game, but will commit to the game. Then they miss regularly and feed you a bunch of lines. Its much better to say "Hmmm...naw, i don't think so, man. I can't make it" than to say" A game? Hmm...every week? hm.....uh...yeah, okay, why the hell not?" I don't want to make it sound like joining a game group is like like joining the mob, but don't commit if you're not into the life!

I'll also chime in with some of what the others said. If your SO isnt a gamer, that can be trouble. But even then, i can't see a reasonable SO (or maybe i've just been lucky) getting that bent out of shape if you spent a night out with your buddies once a week. Its okay if your SO thinks gaming is a waste of THEIR time, but when they think its a waste of YOUR time, you've got a problem.

Also, like Cmanos said, the more players you have, the more disruption you'll encounter. I prefer 2-3 players. I'll go for as many as 4 or 5, if they are all on the same page (rarely happens). But beyond that i'm not likely to stick around. I like cohesive story lines and character backgrounds. With a small group, things are much easier to keep tight and trim. With each extra player you add above 3 or 4, you add a disproportionate amount of chaos, incompatibility (both schedule and personality wise), and white noise to the game.

 

[cuteasaurus]

I tend to agree that if people aren't making efforts to come to the game then maybe they're not that interested. However, I do think it's a bit misleading to refer to all "jobs" in the same category. If you have a regular 9-5 job, your schedule is markedly different than if you're...a starting lawyer at a big firm, or a resident (medicine), or in some sort of graduate program. Some jobs require weird schedules and last-minute changes. Of course, this doens't mean this is the problem with your gamers...I just wanted to point out that not all gamers who can't make scheduled games are "flaking out" on your. It might honestly not be their fault, and only you would know if some of these other circumstances apply.

 

[JoeBlank]

It seems to me that the most important thing to do is know the people with whom you game, and agree up front about the commitment to be made. Some groups only want to play when everyone is present, so when one person can't make it it affects the entire group. I knew from the start that I could not be in this kind of group.

In both of my in-person games, I am the only player with children. I made it clear to both DMs up front that my kids are my first priority, and they both understood. I sometimes miss games because of activities with my family or because of family illness, and I get no grief whatsoever from fellow players or the GM. At this point, I know the people I game with well enough that I trust them to tell me if they feel my game schedule has a negative impact on the games to the point that they would rather I not participate.

Again, I am not judging those who wish to have a more serious game, with a commitment from all players to attend every game except in the case of emergency. If that is how you like to play, and your group agrees to it, more power to you.

Also, I'd like to say, again, for the record how much I appreciate my DMs and fellow players. I'm lucky to have found groups that suit my lifestyle and my style of gaming.

 

[spectre72]

What we are all experiencing as adults and trying to schedule games is something that groups and clubs are experiencing throught the US.

Over the past 15 years I have been a member of several different organizations. Examples being a volunteer fireman, a member of a convention organizing committee, and recently was asked to join Lions International and each one has problems finding members and getting them to attend functions.

The issue is one of a society which is applying additional demands upon each adult than were applied in the past.

Work for many of us is no longer 40 hours a week, both husband and wife are working which pushes housework to after work houes, children are involved in sports, drama, and other after school activities. Many of these are requirements in our lives due to the cost of living and employers expectations. Others we force on ourselves because we want better for ourselves and our children.

These are in addition to the time required to maintain a home, attend family functions, and once in a while just relax for a few minutes....

This issue is something that I struggled with during my 5 years as a fire chief, and we never found any good answers.

People are just busy, and many times people will skip an obligation to get a few hours of relaxation time (myself included).

What our gaming group has done is schedule the 3rd Sunday of the month from 1PM to 8PM as our game time. This way it is on the calendar and we can work our lives around it, most of the time

Using this schedule we are able to hold sessions 11 out of the 12 months usually.

Would we like to game more?

YES, but it is just not possible due to our commitments in life.

 

[The_Universe]

Is this a sign that I don't run fun games, or is this pretty common with most gamers? I've tried both learning to be a better DM and providing fun games, and I've tried getting new players (the new players are also flaking just like the old players). I've asked everyone if they enjoy my game and they say they do. But I'd think that if they enjoyed it they would make it a priority to attend twice a month.

It's a sign of being an adult, as well as (perhaps) being a sign that most of the people you game with might feel a lot more "casual" about the game (and gaming in general) than you do.

It's hard to be shocked when someone tells you, "I guess we can go to the movies if there's nothing else to do," but gamers tend to feel very differently about the games we play. I think your group probably thinks of gaming like a lot of people think about going to the movies - it's entertainment, it's social, but it's not an obligation. In short, they might be people who game, but they're not gamers.

Most of the people on this messageboard are gamers. I am, and you sound like you are. But not every person interested in playing a little D&D (or whatever) is. I wouldn't take any of it as an insult to your skill or style - they just don't feel the "importance" of the event anymore than they might feel the "importance" of playing Parchisi on a bi-weekly basis.

What's the solution? Well, if you really *need* to game 2x a month, find people as dedicated as you are. Keep searching. Get enough games going that you're filling your time quota. You might even run into some people who could game as much as you want to...but don't count on it. You're in a social hobby, and you take it seriously. There's nothing wrong with that, but it has to be tempered by the fact that not everyone will take it as seriously as you do.

 

[Kanegrundar]

I've been without a game for a little over a year now. With schedules and dealing with a house, wedding plans, family gatherings, family illnesses, and just trying to spend time with my fiancee, I find it extremely hard to find time to game. I found a group here on the these message boards, but I couldn't make my first session, like I originally thought I'd be able to, and now even the GM is busy. It's rough, and for me, it may not get any less hectic until the end of summer. That means, I have to get my gaming fix from WoW, GTA San Andreas, and solo rounds of Warhammer Quest and WQ'ish D&D. I still get together with my old group upon occasion, but all we really play anymore are one-off games like Talisman, Doom, poker, or one of the myriad of games in my friend's collection. We just don't have time for a well-done campaign.

I wouldn't take it as a personal slight to your campaign or DM'ing abilities. This is one of the things that happens as people get jobs, get married, have kids, buy a home, or do any of the things that comes with becoming independent and responsible. It sucks, but that's what happens sometimes, at least that's what happened to me.

Kane