maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
And Del makes 7. Yay Del!
Fall Ceramic Dm™ - Winner!
MarauderX
Explorer
yangnome said:
The above is precisely NOT what I want either. What I do want is progress. With 4-5 paragraphs of well-written critiques per story, this contest will end up being Fall/Winter. And if you're worried about getting feedback, how do you feel about Maldur as a judge?
Just some ideas - instead of expounding on each and every story how about talking about it after the decision, as Rodrigo suggested? Perhaps have the 2nd and after rounds get more feedback than the 1st?
Lastly if you want more feedback solicit it from everyone else that read your story - the judges aren't the only ones with something helpful to say.
Oh, forgot to say that I'll be signing up for the NaNoRiMo again this year. Last year - 32,000 words of directionless drivel. Sadly it was more of a typing exercise.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Berandor said:
The more the merrier, I say.
tadk
Explorer
OT: NaNo
The more the merrier. I shall be sending out encouragement as well as posting my word counts. Last year I barely broke 50. Hope to well beat it this year......I shoot for 2k words a day. Working my outline now...
I know someone earlier talked about poetry. If you wish to share between and read each others email or msg me.
The more the merrier. I shall be sending out encouragement as well as posting my word counts. Last year I barely broke 50. Hope to well beat it this year......I shoot for 2k words a day. Working my outline now...
I know someone earlier talked about poetry. If you wish to share between and read each others email or msg me.
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RangerWickett
Legend
Happy birthday Berandor (though it might be belated in your time zone).
Sialia
First Post
MarauderX said:
I find that the Ceramic model is surprisingly good at lending direction.
Piratecat once explained to me the secret of writing good 4 hour con modules: pick just three or four good scenes, and then let the party have free reign to ramble from one to the next, not necessarily in a specific order.
This is exactly what the Ceramic competition does for my writing: it gives me four or five themes/moments I have to work towards. Structure, with a lot of freedom--time for exploration, imperative to motion.
Always before, I would make good characters, and then they would sit there, doing nothing. The first time I ever cranked out a really long story that went somewhere all by itself was for Ceramic GM. (I don't count the storyhour writing because I wasn't controlling the defining events/themes--Piratecat was. I was just working out the path between them, and exploring what it felt like to walk on it.)
The story got long last time because I stole something from Mythago, too. That was: if you're going to use something in a crucially defining moment, you have to introduce it before you get there. It has to already be in the world before you really need it to be there. It gets the reader off guard, and it makes things plausible. So with four or five things I had to work in for three rounds, and a desire to get them all in place before I got to the important moment, the story started looking like twenty four or thirty places I needed to explore, and it started turning into a novel quite on it's own.
Last tip I learned from years and years of gaming: know what is in your characters' pockets before they ever walk out the door. No two people carry exactly the same kind of junk around--if you can't tell your characters apart just from thier inventories, they aren't ready to walk out the door. When they get stuck, or you feel tapped out, go digging around in that list -- there is always something you can use, and it comes from a deep sense of who they are.
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mythago
Hero
Round One, Set Three judgment
BardStephenFox
Yangnome - 4/14-4/17
You have an interesting opener to a fun story here. However the opening doesn't seem to fit into place with the timeline as the story advances. You have an established event, then you flash back 72 hours. Then you move forward 48 hours and 30 seconds. Then you advance another 24 hours. The timing begins to get a bit muddled. Your continuity seems to be broken.
I like the references to your opponents. Fortune telling, selling out, make-believe friends, thirst for power and other elements of villianization. It was very amusing.
You have some good dialog and a strong flow to the story. But there are a few places where your narrative tone seems to change and that detracts from the overall flow of the story. "The next thing he knew," is the best example. You use this phrase twice within a very short span. This began to make the story feel more like a tale being spun for the amusement of the audience. This isn't always a bad thing, but it did seem to be a different tone than what you began with.
Picture use:
Let's begin with the weakest picture. The ascent between the skyscrapers hardly seemed relevant. The only significance I can discern from it is the confirmation that magic is being used.
The usage of the the hands as an oddball keypad was a clever red-herring. It would have had a stronger impact if you had better described the picture. Left strictly up to the imagination, I suspect most readers would imagine something completely different.
The picture of Madame Sialia made me smile! Primarily because I was trying to reconcile it against a picture I saw in Piratecat's Story Hour once. As far as usage goes, it was pretty good. You used the picture to introduce an important character.
The picture of the mouse with crack was pretty strong as well. That moment leads to a pretty significant turning point in the story.
Overall, I liked the picture use. With a little more description and a better usage of one of the pictures, I would have liked it a great deal.
Continuity and tone are the two things you need to keep in mind with this story. But those two weakenesses did not stop me from enjoying the story.
RangerWickett - Steam
Wow! Rangerwickett has woven together quite an impressive tale. The biggest single weakness is that some of the names are unwieldy. I like unusual names, but I do prefer if they flow well.
I really don't know where to offer much criticism in this piece. It isn't that there weren't any flaws. It is just that that the strengths quickly washed them out of the way when I was reading the story. In retrospect I can't point out things that really bugged me. Usually I can read through a story, enjoy it as I am reading it and then be bothered by the stumbling points after I am done. That is not the case here.
You have created a strong, interesting world with engaging characters. You have believable motivations and dialog. You have some nice twists and turns within the story. All in all, it is a good story and I very much enjoyed reading it. Rather than trying to go back over everything and painstakingly try to find flaws, I think I will leave it at that.
Picture use:
The picture used for Kasvarina is very good. She is an integral part of the story. Her dance serves as a good lead into the story and helps establish her value as chattel later.
The picture of the sky, framed by skyscrapers is evocative and establishes the setting. It isn't the strongest picture use, but it is effective.
The handprints are very effective. They tie in nicely to Kasvarina and emphasize the mindmaker's handiwork. Very nicely done.
The final picture is great for it's delivery. Of course, you use the picture itself to deliver the message. That isn't necessarily a problem, but it is a little bit of an oddity.
Overall you have very effective picture use. As I said, this is a very enjoyable story.
Sialia - Self-Portrait, B&W 1994
Oh my! What an interesting piece of art. Sialia, I have told you how hard some of your artwork hits me. This story affects me the same way. It hits me hard on an emotional level.
Perhaps the only issue I can find is that there are more evocative images than there are pictures. You have presented a slim story thathits me with empathy from many directions. It is beautiful, but it is also a little raw. It is art. I don't know exactly what to say.
Like RangerWickett's piece, I don't see problems. I am simply engaged by the story and entranced by the direction it takes me.
Picture Use: The parallel of the skyscrapers and cages is frightening in it's accuracy.
The picture of the mouse doesn't quite reach it's full impact until the end of the story. But the empathy evoked is important.
The picture of the dancer feels somehow uncomfortable. But I think you might have intended that.
The handprints at the end make me inexplicably sad.
You hit me hard in the heart with this story and I really don't know what to say. Well, other than thank you for the story.
Comparison
These are three very different stories and it is very difficult for me to judge this round. But if I didn't want to judge, I didn't have to volunteer. I can't put it off forever and I have given it a lot of thought. Time to commit a decision.
[sblock]I enjoyed Yangnome's story for the fun ride it was. But I am faced with Rangerwickett's and Sialia's stories. Sorry Yangnome, I have to go with one of them. I really wish I didn't have to choose between these two stories! Neither one has any particular weakness to it. Both are very enjoyable to read and I wish I could easily choose between them. I am waffling between both stories because they are excellent for what they are. I suspect that Rangerwickett's might appeal a bit more to the audience at EN World. We are, after all, a hobby community geared toward fantasy fiction. Rangerwickett's story was a very good example of creative fiction. But Sialia's story hits me on an emotional level. I am a sucker for that emotion. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong choice in this but it is truly a pleasure to have read both stories. Right now, in my current mood, I give my vote to Sialia for hitting me on an emotional level and making me question myself.[/sblock]
Maldur
Round One, Set Three contestants
RangerWickett vs. yangnome vs. Sialia
RangerWickett
Nice, ancient races, constructs of steel, steam and magic, mind tricks, and
revenge, great proze as allways
yangnome
Odd story, seems like half is missing, too many loose ends, nazi's as bad guys is classical though
Sialia
powerfull, story, I believe there is a political comment in this story as well (see round 1 set 1), great stuff.
I esp like the 'dreamlandesque' ending.
My judgement:
[sblock]this is a hard one, but I have to go for Sialia, great feel in that story. Well done.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Sialia --
This is a sweet piece of work. The tone is pitch-perfect, evoking cold and isolation. involved yet detached, the narrator presents a picture of the city that is at turns despairing and magical. The writing is beautiful, poetic. "Weekend snow is more fun than workday snow" is a great line, the kind you tuck away to use yourself some day. And "I wonder idly whether I'm test or control today' just resonates.
The black/white dichotomy is well-played, not accusative, but not dismissive, either, and the use of color in innocuous places echoes quietly. (This piece reminds me strongly of Jonathan Lethem's 'Fortress of Solitude'.)
The picture use is pretty solid. Albert the rat appears twice, once in the real world, and again as the hero in the make-believe. The hand-prints are a stretch (no paw-prints), but it worked so well on an emotional level that I can't quibble. Equating the glass building to the rat cages is a nice touch. The dancer is theweakest in the group, but still key to the scene.
yangnome --
Nazi's, the occult, spies, and a gypsy Q -- oh my!
A neat setup. The characters (especially the supporting players) are well drawn, and the story flows smoothly from scene to scene. The dialogue between Sialia and Thomas is good, establishing their relationship and moving the story forward at the same time. This is critical, because her later betrayal would have been trivial. The villain is suitably menacing, and the extra-dimensional lair a nice touch.
I think beginning near the end then flashing back doesn't work, I don't think. A twist that turned the initial scene on its head would have made it more effective. As it is, it just sets up action that the reader is going to get to in short order anyway. The story also seemed a little rushed. The setup was so solid that the rather conventional resolution was kind of a letdown. A third act at Central Park would have been welcome.
Picture use is pretty good. Thomas' rat disguise is clever (although it would have been more interesting to have him interrogated in rat form). The rather menacing vibe of the glass building is a good fit, as is the garish Madam Sialia. The touchpad is a stretch, but within bounds. Something a little more mystical would have made it stronger, though.
RangerWickett --
A cool mini-epic, with a remarkably deep world, full of tragedy. The level of detail is impressive, almost daunting. As interesting as the world is, the characters are moreso, exceptionally three-dimensional and with very human motivations and complex relationships. The gnome's twitchiness and Lawrence's world-weariness are fully expressed and believeable. This is a place and a tale that could do with a much longer treatment.
The only real shortcoming is the tone, which is somewhat monochromatic. The opening scene is promising, but for the most part the story seems kind of flat. There's no humor, no excitement, no real suspense. The plot and setting are nearly perfect, but the emotion that should come through doesn't.
Despite her striking entrance, for example, I didn't really feel any concern for Kasvarina.
Picture use is very good. Kasvarina's dance would be a worthy story on its own, and the eventual fate of Lawrence is consistent with the setup (although metaphorically, 'rat' seems inappropriate.) The handprints are a little weaker, but tied back into the beginning in a strong manner. The glass and steel landscape is the only throw-away.
Judgement:
Wow, this is a toughie. yangnome's story is solid, but I'm afraid he was up against two veterans close to the top of their game. RW's epic is intriguing, and the level of detail impressive. although I felt it was a little cold. Sialia's tale is magical, emotional, almost a mirror opposite of RangerWickett's golem tale.
Picture use is pretty much a tie -- RW wins with the woman, Sialia wins with the handprints, and the other two are a draw, though Sialia gets the tie-breaker on the glass building. This one comes down to pure gut reaction, and while I liked RWs story, and could easily see myself reading a whole novel in that world, Sialia's sparked an emotional reaction that I wasn't expecting and that really captured me.
[sblock] My judgement goes to Sialia by a rat's whisker.[/sblock]
BardStephenFox
Yangnome - 4/14-4/17
You have an interesting opener to a fun story here. However the opening doesn't seem to fit into place with the timeline as the story advances. You have an established event, then you flash back 72 hours. Then you move forward 48 hours and 30 seconds. Then you advance another 24 hours. The timing begins to get a bit muddled. Your continuity seems to be broken.
I like the references to your opponents. Fortune telling, selling out, make-believe friends, thirst for power and other elements of villianization. It was very amusing.
You have some good dialog and a strong flow to the story. But there are a few places where your narrative tone seems to change and that detracts from the overall flow of the story. "The next thing he knew," is the best example. You use this phrase twice within a very short span. This began to make the story feel more like a tale being spun for the amusement of the audience. This isn't always a bad thing, but it did seem to be a different tone than what you began with.
Picture use:
Let's begin with the weakest picture. The ascent between the skyscrapers hardly seemed relevant. The only significance I can discern from it is the confirmation that magic is being used.
The usage of the the hands as an oddball keypad was a clever red-herring. It would have had a stronger impact if you had better described the picture. Left strictly up to the imagination, I suspect most readers would imagine something completely different.
The picture of Madame Sialia made me smile! Primarily because I was trying to reconcile it against a picture I saw in Piratecat's Story Hour once. As far as usage goes, it was pretty good. You used the picture to introduce an important character.
The picture of the mouse with crack was pretty strong as well. That moment leads to a pretty significant turning point in the story.
Overall, I liked the picture use. With a little more description and a better usage of one of the pictures, I would have liked it a great deal.
Continuity and tone are the two things you need to keep in mind with this story. But those two weakenesses did not stop me from enjoying the story.
RangerWickett - Steam
Wow! Rangerwickett has woven together quite an impressive tale. The biggest single weakness is that some of the names are unwieldy. I like unusual names, but I do prefer if they flow well.
I really don't know where to offer much criticism in this piece. It isn't that there weren't any flaws. It is just that that the strengths quickly washed them out of the way when I was reading the story. In retrospect I can't point out things that really bugged me. Usually I can read through a story, enjoy it as I am reading it and then be bothered by the stumbling points after I am done. That is not the case here.
You have created a strong, interesting world with engaging characters. You have believable motivations and dialog. You have some nice twists and turns within the story. All in all, it is a good story and I very much enjoyed reading it. Rather than trying to go back over everything and painstakingly try to find flaws, I think I will leave it at that.
Picture use:
The picture used for Kasvarina is very good. She is an integral part of the story. Her dance serves as a good lead into the story and helps establish her value as chattel later.
The picture of the sky, framed by skyscrapers is evocative and establishes the setting. It isn't the strongest picture use, but it is effective.
The handprints are very effective. They tie in nicely to Kasvarina and emphasize the mindmaker's handiwork. Very nicely done.
The final picture is great for it's delivery. Of course, you use the picture itself to deliver the message. That isn't necessarily a problem, but it is a little bit of an oddity.
Overall you have very effective picture use. As I said, this is a very enjoyable story.
Sialia - Self-Portrait, B&W 1994
Oh my! What an interesting piece of art. Sialia, I have told you how hard some of your artwork hits me. This story affects me the same way. It hits me hard on an emotional level.
Perhaps the only issue I can find is that there are more evocative images than there are pictures. You have presented a slim story thathits me with empathy from many directions. It is beautiful, but it is also a little raw. It is art. I don't know exactly what to say.
Like RangerWickett's piece, I don't see problems. I am simply engaged by the story and entranced by the direction it takes me.
Picture Use: The parallel of the skyscrapers and cages is frightening in it's accuracy.
The picture of the mouse doesn't quite reach it's full impact until the end of the story. But the empathy evoked is important.
The picture of the dancer feels somehow uncomfortable. But I think you might have intended that.
The handprints at the end make me inexplicably sad.
You hit me hard in the heart with this story and I really don't know what to say. Well, other than thank you for the story.
Comparison
These are three very different stories and it is very difficult for me to judge this round. But if I didn't want to judge, I didn't have to volunteer. I can't put it off forever and I have given it a lot of thought. Time to commit a decision.
[sblock]I enjoyed Yangnome's story for the fun ride it was. But I am faced with Rangerwickett's and Sialia's stories. Sorry Yangnome, I have to go with one of them. I really wish I didn't have to choose between these two stories! Neither one has any particular weakness to it. Both are very enjoyable to read and I wish I could easily choose between them. I am waffling between both stories because they are excellent for what they are. I suspect that Rangerwickett's might appeal a bit more to the audience at EN World. We are, after all, a hobby community geared toward fantasy fiction. Rangerwickett's story was a very good example of creative fiction. But Sialia's story hits me on an emotional level. I am a sucker for that emotion. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong choice in this but it is truly a pleasure to have read both stories. Right now, in my current mood, I give my vote to Sialia for hitting me on an emotional level and making me question myself.[/sblock]
Maldur
Round One, Set Three contestants
RangerWickett vs. yangnome vs. Sialia
RangerWickett
Nice, ancient races, constructs of steel, steam and magic, mind tricks, and
revenge, great proze as allways
yangnome
Odd story, seems like half is missing, too many loose ends, nazi's as bad guys is classical though
Sialia
powerfull, story, I believe there is a political comment in this story as well (see round 1 set 1), great stuff.
I esp like the 'dreamlandesque' ending.
My judgement:
[sblock]this is a hard one, but I have to go for Sialia, great feel in that story. Well done.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Sialia --
This is a sweet piece of work. The tone is pitch-perfect, evoking cold and isolation. involved yet detached, the narrator presents a picture of the city that is at turns despairing and magical. The writing is beautiful, poetic. "Weekend snow is more fun than workday snow" is a great line, the kind you tuck away to use yourself some day. And "I wonder idly whether I'm test or control today' just resonates.
The black/white dichotomy is well-played, not accusative, but not dismissive, either, and the use of color in innocuous places echoes quietly. (This piece reminds me strongly of Jonathan Lethem's 'Fortress of Solitude'.)
The picture use is pretty solid. Albert the rat appears twice, once in the real world, and again as the hero in the make-believe. The hand-prints are a stretch (no paw-prints), but it worked so well on an emotional level that I can't quibble. Equating the glass building to the rat cages is a nice touch. The dancer is theweakest in the group, but still key to the scene.
yangnome --
Nazi's, the occult, spies, and a gypsy Q -- oh my!
A neat setup. The characters (especially the supporting players) are well drawn, and the story flows smoothly from scene to scene. The dialogue between Sialia and Thomas is good, establishing their relationship and moving the story forward at the same time. This is critical, because her later betrayal would have been trivial. The villain is suitably menacing, and the extra-dimensional lair a nice touch.
I think beginning near the end then flashing back doesn't work, I don't think. A twist that turned the initial scene on its head would have made it more effective. As it is, it just sets up action that the reader is going to get to in short order anyway. The story also seemed a little rushed. The setup was so solid that the rather conventional resolution was kind of a letdown. A third act at Central Park would have been welcome.
Picture use is pretty good. Thomas' rat disguise is clever (although it would have been more interesting to have him interrogated in rat form). The rather menacing vibe of the glass building is a good fit, as is the garish Madam Sialia. The touchpad is a stretch, but within bounds. Something a little more mystical would have made it stronger, though.
RangerWickett --
A cool mini-epic, with a remarkably deep world, full of tragedy. The level of detail is impressive, almost daunting. As interesting as the world is, the characters are moreso, exceptionally three-dimensional and with very human motivations and complex relationships. The gnome's twitchiness and Lawrence's world-weariness are fully expressed and believeable. This is a place and a tale that could do with a much longer treatment.
The only real shortcoming is the tone, which is somewhat monochromatic. The opening scene is promising, but for the most part the story seems kind of flat. There's no humor, no excitement, no real suspense. The plot and setting are nearly perfect, but the emotion that should come through doesn't.
Despite her striking entrance, for example, I didn't really feel any concern for Kasvarina.
Picture use is very good. Kasvarina's dance would be a worthy story on its own, and the eventual fate of Lawrence is consistent with the setup (although metaphorically, 'rat' seems inappropriate.) The handprints are a little weaker, but tied back into the beginning in a strong manner. The glass and steel landscape is the only throw-away.
Judgement:
Wow, this is a toughie. yangnome's story is solid, but I'm afraid he was up against two veterans close to the top of their game. RW's epic is intriguing, and the level of detail impressive. although I felt it was a little cold. Sialia's tale is magical, emotional, almost a mirror opposite of RangerWickett's golem tale.
Picture use is pretty much a tie -- RW wins with the woman, Sialia wins with the handprints, and the other two are a draw, though Sialia gets the tie-breaker on the glass building. This one comes down to pure gut reaction, and while I liked RWs story, and could easily see myself reading a whole novel in that world, Sialia's sparked an emotional reaction that I wasn't expecting and that really captured me.
[sblock] My judgement goes to Sialia by a rat's whisker.[/sblock]
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