Fall Ceramic Dm™ - Winner!
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
So I guess we're awaiting Rodrigo Istalindir's judgement?
Last edited:
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Um, mine should all be in. If one is missing, let me know and I'll re-send. Match 5 is on the laptop, but 6 is on my home PC.
mythago
Hero
Round 1, Set 5
BardStephenFox
Herobizkit - Untitled beginning
Herobizkit was unable to complete a story, but did post a beginning. Despite the lack of a finished product, I will try to provide a little feedbakc.
You have a good opening. Without the rest of the story it is hard to tell if you have a really strong opening or not, but you have enough of a hook that I am interested in where the story could have gone. For some reason, I end up with two different tones for the main character running through my head. I can't quite put my figure on the reason for the difficulty in nailing one voice down. But if you continue the story, you might doublecheck to be sure you are consistent in the character voice.
Tolen Mar - Tuesday
My first thought when I got done reading the story was not entirely grandma friendly. Mind you, that isn't really a bad thing. It is just that your story concept is pretty wacky and I wasn't quite sure what to think. It was a wild ride, that is certain.
You use decent descriptions without bogging down too much with inane detail. I really enjoyed the reference to thick glasses and soda pop bottles. Even as the scenes get increasingly more improbably, you continue with believable descriptions.
Your dialog is strong. I didn't ever struggle trying to figure out who said what and the conversations rang true for me. Given the characters of the story, this seemed particularly impressive.
Your concept is what continues to throw me for a loop though. The beginning seems normal enough and then we are just sucked into this strange universe. Overall it is an impressive story with a strong delivery.
Picture Use:
The picture use varies. You lead off with the dog tags. Initially it seemed barely relevant, but by the end I can see how it fits into the entire worldview. I give you credit for using the picture to emphasize the worldview, but it didn't exactly drive the story forward.
The picture of the "dimensional perspective viewer" is your next item. You use the picture to good effect, but by the end of the story I am curious why Becca used that instead of following him or whatever. Given the context of the imaginary world, an explanation isn't entirely necessary.
Pablo stealing the gold coin just seemed out of place. You do use the coin to try to setup Pablo's lack of 'equipment' as well as bringing some booze into the story. But the significance of the gold coin just seems lost.
You finish up with the river. You have a decent description of the scene. If you had left it at that I would have consigned the picture to a near throwaway. But you drag relevance into it with the revelation of multiple dead dolls. That was a nice twist.
You have strong picture use here. You have a well-delivered story. The whole thing is really odd, but it is memorable.
MaxfieldJadenFox - The Calling
The Calling begins with some very strong descriptive text. There are some really strong descriptions throughout the story. To some degree though, the descriptions are almost too much for a short story. You might need more economy of description here because I find the descriptions to be the most compelling quality of the story.
Annie is a character that I feel a great deal of sympathy for. The closest we come to seeing of an admirable character in her life is the social worker. I feel some degree of sympathy for Annie, but I don't really empathize with her at all. It could be that I am not the target audience. It might also be that the jumping around of present and past events detracted from my ability to know the character.
Skipping back and forth in the timeline is a risky choice. By necessity you break the flow of the story by doing this. It can work at times, but other times it falls flat. In my case I did have to reread a few areas more than once to be sure I could place the time element where it needed to be.
I do have one quibble with the writing. "Even though she was only two, her mother’s hostility was obvious to Annie," really needs to be rewritten. Taken out of context it sounds fine. When read in the story, pronoun misidentification seems to indicate that Annie's mother is two years old.
Overall, you have an interesting story here. I think you could tighten up the presentation a bit more and strengthen the story further. Consider revising some of your descriptions to be sure they drive the story forward rather than just coloring in background details. Background details are good, but when they overshadow the story, you need to revisit them.
Picture Use:
The first picture is of the swamp. You do a wonderful job painting Annie's background here. But the scene doesn't seem to drive the story forward either. Location scenes are always a challenge. They scream to be background locations, but it isn't easy to make them critical backgrounds.
The second picture is a catalyst to drive Annie's mother to try to kill her. When you began to describe it as a doll her father made, I thought there would be a solid vodoo angle going on. It didn't quite turn out that way, but that's fine. As a catalyst, it is reasonably important to the story.
The picture of the machine is next. This is one of those places where you could have used your descriptive talents better. Without the accompanying picture, the description is very sparse. It really detracts from what the machine is supposed to be and supposed to do. I'm not sure if this was supposed to represent the culmination of Annie's intellect and magical talent or not.
The dog tags are the last picture. It is possible to read this bit and miss the relevance of the dog tag being a focus for the magic Annie is getting ready to work. I am conflicted on this one. Barsoomcore has a lot to say about not beating your readers over the head with what is happening. If they are your target audience and you have described everything well in advance, you don't need to explain the significance of everything. In that context, this is a good picture. You have efficiently described a significant focus of a spell to call dog back to this world. But if others do nto see the same significance, consider finding a way to strengthen the picture for the story.
Overall I think your picture use is competent. The story is an interesting story, but it does seem to get buried a little in description and the presentation seems to muddle it a bit.
Comparison:[sblock]Herobizkit is a non-contender in this one. So it is down to Tolen Mar and MaxfieldJadenFox. Both have presented stories with good strengths and some weaknesses. I think Tolen Mar's picture use is stronger, but I enjoyed MJF's story more. My vote goes to MaxfieldJadenFox.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Ceramic DM Round 1 Match 5
Herobizkit vs. Tolen Mar vs. maxfieldjadenfox
maxfieldjadenfox - The Calling
A neat little story with an unexpected ending that nonetheless fits. The main character is very well drawn, and the way the story jumps around is executed perfectly. The supporting characters are a almost caricatures, but that's forgiveable in this format, and the action and dialogue are appropriate and well written.
Some more detail on the machine would have been welcome, especially given that "She understands theoretical physics better than Einstein." I was expecting a time-tunnel, not voodoo. I'm still not entirely sure of the purpose of the machine -- I'm assuming it allowed her to connect to 'doggy heaven' and call forth Dog's spirit. It still works, but the mix of technology and magic seemed a little off. Really, though, there is very little to criticize about this effort.
Picture use is very good. Dog's collar will evoke strong memories in anyone who's ever lost a pet. Annie's machine is central to the story. The stick figure sets up crucial elements of the story as well as filling in the protagonists history. The swamp is merely background, but again, elements of it are worked into the story in several locations.
Tolen Mar - Tuesday
Methinks Tolen has been dipping into Pablo's tequila
This story is twisted and wierd in a very good way. It starts off completely straight and then takes a 90 degree turn and steps on the gas. The setup is very strong, chock-full of neat images and intriguing idea. Almost too full, though, as some of the more interesting things lead nowhere. Still, I'd rather an excess of ideas than a total lack. The curio shop is excellent, but all the wierdness doesn't lead anywhere. This could be a cool setting to wrap a whole series of stories around, in a 'Friday the 13th' kind of way.
The sudden turn is wonderfully executed. The whole scenario is so surreal it just carries you along. There are lots of little nagging questions after the fact, but it all definitely works in the moment. Still, it would be a stronger story if those elements were resolved (eg, the condoms, certain elements of scale, dolls vs. 'big' people) or at least explored or explained a little further.
"You naked plastic slut" is now my favorite line from this Ceramic DM.
Picture use is good. The 'dog' collar/tag sets up something it doesn't explain, but it fits in well with the weirdness of the curio shop. The river of dead dolls is creepy. Pablo stealing the gold coin is excellent -- it reinforces the text and heightens the suprise. The scrying gizmo is also well-used.
Herobizket --
An imcomplete entry, which is a shame, because the hard-boiled tone was spot-on. The dialogue is just top notch. Hopefully, Herobizket will enter another competition someday when he's got the time to devote to it. This was a very promising start.
Judgement:
[sblock]
Another tough call. Maxfieldjadenfox (mind if I call you Max?) puts together a creepy little 'outsider done wrong' tale, with some good pathos and an ending that I wasn't expecting. While no single picture use is a stand-out, each involves an element or theme that recurs throughout the story, making the collective picture use pretty strong. Tolen Mar's oddball tale is just rife with ideas, weak only in that there wasn't enough time or space to explore them fully. Picture use wasn't as pervasive as Max, but the jarring revelation of Pablo's true nature is a great 'Ceramic DM' moment. After going back and forth on this one a dozen times, I'm going to go with Maxfieldjadenfox, because overall the story was more cohesive and the picture use more even.[/sblock]
Maldur
Herobozkit, Tolen mar, Maxfieldjadenfox
Herobizkit
Short but sweet, alas not finished as it was the start of a nice "noir" story
Tolen mar
Weird , What have you been smoking Dolls, revenge, weirdness, very nice.
Maxfieldjadenfox
Nice voodoo style pinochio, very nice, odd story
[sblock]My judgement goes to Maxfieldjadenfox. [/sblock]
BardStephenFox
Herobizkit - Untitled beginning
Herobizkit was unable to complete a story, but did post a beginning. Despite the lack of a finished product, I will try to provide a little feedbakc.
You have a good opening. Without the rest of the story it is hard to tell if you have a really strong opening or not, but you have enough of a hook that I am interested in where the story could have gone. For some reason, I end up with two different tones for the main character running through my head. I can't quite put my figure on the reason for the difficulty in nailing one voice down. But if you continue the story, you might doublecheck to be sure you are consistent in the character voice.
Tolen Mar - Tuesday
My first thought when I got done reading the story was not entirely grandma friendly. Mind you, that isn't really a bad thing. It is just that your story concept is pretty wacky and I wasn't quite sure what to think. It was a wild ride, that is certain.
You use decent descriptions without bogging down too much with inane detail. I really enjoyed the reference to thick glasses and soda pop bottles. Even as the scenes get increasingly more improbably, you continue with believable descriptions.
Your dialog is strong. I didn't ever struggle trying to figure out who said what and the conversations rang true for me. Given the characters of the story, this seemed particularly impressive.
Your concept is what continues to throw me for a loop though. The beginning seems normal enough and then we are just sucked into this strange universe. Overall it is an impressive story with a strong delivery.
Picture Use:
The picture use varies. You lead off with the dog tags. Initially it seemed barely relevant, but by the end I can see how it fits into the entire worldview. I give you credit for using the picture to emphasize the worldview, but it didn't exactly drive the story forward.
The picture of the "dimensional perspective viewer" is your next item. You use the picture to good effect, but by the end of the story I am curious why Becca used that instead of following him or whatever. Given the context of the imaginary world, an explanation isn't entirely necessary.
Pablo stealing the gold coin just seemed out of place. You do use the coin to try to setup Pablo's lack of 'equipment' as well as bringing some booze into the story. But the significance of the gold coin just seems lost.
You finish up with the river. You have a decent description of the scene. If you had left it at that I would have consigned the picture to a near throwaway. But you drag relevance into it with the revelation of multiple dead dolls. That was a nice twist.
You have strong picture use here. You have a well-delivered story. The whole thing is really odd, but it is memorable.
MaxfieldJadenFox - The Calling
The Calling begins with some very strong descriptive text. There are some really strong descriptions throughout the story. To some degree though, the descriptions are almost too much for a short story. You might need more economy of description here because I find the descriptions to be the most compelling quality of the story.
Annie is a character that I feel a great deal of sympathy for. The closest we come to seeing of an admirable character in her life is the social worker. I feel some degree of sympathy for Annie, but I don't really empathize with her at all. It could be that I am not the target audience. It might also be that the jumping around of present and past events detracted from my ability to know the character.
Skipping back and forth in the timeline is a risky choice. By necessity you break the flow of the story by doing this. It can work at times, but other times it falls flat. In my case I did have to reread a few areas more than once to be sure I could place the time element where it needed to be.
I do have one quibble with the writing. "Even though she was only two, her mother’s hostility was obvious to Annie," really needs to be rewritten. Taken out of context it sounds fine. When read in the story, pronoun misidentification seems to indicate that Annie's mother is two years old.
Overall, you have an interesting story here. I think you could tighten up the presentation a bit more and strengthen the story further. Consider revising some of your descriptions to be sure they drive the story forward rather than just coloring in background details. Background details are good, but when they overshadow the story, you need to revisit them.
Picture Use:
The first picture is of the swamp. You do a wonderful job painting Annie's background here. But the scene doesn't seem to drive the story forward either. Location scenes are always a challenge. They scream to be background locations, but it isn't easy to make them critical backgrounds.
The second picture is a catalyst to drive Annie's mother to try to kill her. When you began to describe it as a doll her father made, I thought there would be a solid vodoo angle going on. It didn't quite turn out that way, but that's fine. As a catalyst, it is reasonably important to the story.
The picture of the machine is next. This is one of those places where you could have used your descriptive talents better. Without the accompanying picture, the description is very sparse. It really detracts from what the machine is supposed to be and supposed to do. I'm not sure if this was supposed to represent the culmination of Annie's intellect and magical talent or not.
The dog tags are the last picture. It is possible to read this bit and miss the relevance of the dog tag being a focus for the magic Annie is getting ready to work. I am conflicted on this one. Barsoomcore has a lot to say about not beating your readers over the head with what is happening. If they are your target audience and you have described everything well in advance, you don't need to explain the significance of everything. In that context, this is a good picture. You have efficiently described a significant focus of a spell to call dog back to this world. But if others do nto see the same significance, consider finding a way to strengthen the picture for the story.
Overall I think your picture use is competent. The story is an interesting story, but it does seem to get buried a little in description and the presentation seems to muddle it a bit.
Comparison:[sblock]Herobizkit is a non-contender in this one. So it is down to Tolen Mar and MaxfieldJadenFox. Both have presented stories with good strengths and some weaknesses. I think Tolen Mar's picture use is stronger, but I enjoyed MJF's story more. My vote goes to MaxfieldJadenFox.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Ceramic DM Round 1 Match 5
Herobizkit vs. Tolen Mar vs. maxfieldjadenfox
maxfieldjadenfox - The Calling
A neat little story with an unexpected ending that nonetheless fits. The main character is very well drawn, and the way the story jumps around is executed perfectly. The supporting characters are a almost caricatures, but that's forgiveable in this format, and the action and dialogue are appropriate and well written.
Some more detail on the machine would have been welcome, especially given that "She understands theoretical physics better than Einstein." I was expecting a time-tunnel, not voodoo. I'm still not entirely sure of the purpose of the machine -- I'm assuming it allowed her to connect to 'doggy heaven' and call forth Dog's spirit. It still works, but the mix of technology and magic seemed a little off. Really, though, there is very little to criticize about this effort.
Picture use is very good. Dog's collar will evoke strong memories in anyone who's ever lost a pet. Annie's machine is central to the story. The stick figure sets up crucial elements of the story as well as filling in the protagonists history. The swamp is merely background, but again, elements of it are worked into the story in several locations.
Tolen Mar - Tuesday
Methinks Tolen has been dipping into Pablo's tequila
This story is twisted and wierd in a very good way. It starts off completely straight and then takes a 90 degree turn and steps on the gas. The setup is very strong, chock-full of neat images and intriguing idea. Almost too full, though, as some of the more interesting things lead nowhere. Still, I'd rather an excess of ideas than a total lack. The curio shop is excellent, but all the wierdness doesn't lead anywhere. This could be a cool setting to wrap a whole series of stories around, in a 'Friday the 13th' kind of way.
The sudden turn is wonderfully executed. The whole scenario is so surreal it just carries you along. There are lots of little nagging questions after the fact, but it all definitely works in the moment. Still, it would be a stronger story if those elements were resolved (eg, the condoms, certain elements of scale, dolls vs. 'big' people) or at least explored or explained a little further.
"You naked plastic slut" is now my favorite line from this Ceramic DM.
Picture use is good. The 'dog' collar/tag sets up something it doesn't explain, but it fits in well with the weirdness of the curio shop. The river of dead dolls is creepy. Pablo stealing the gold coin is excellent -- it reinforces the text and heightens the suprise. The scrying gizmo is also well-used.
Herobizket --
An imcomplete entry, which is a shame, because the hard-boiled tone was spot-on. The dialogue is just top notch. Hopefully, Herobizket will enter another competition someday when he's got the time to devote to it. This was a very promising start.
Judgement:
[sblock]
Another tough call. Maxfieldjadenfox (mind if I call you Max?) puts together a creepy little 'outsider done wrong' tale, with some good pathos and an ending that I wasn't expecting. While no single picture use is a stand-out, each involves an element or theme that recurs throughout the story, making the collective picture use pretty strong. Tolen Mar's oddball tale is just rife with ideas, weak only in that there wasn't enough time or space to explore them fully. Picture use wasn't as pervasive as Max, but the jarring revelation of Pablo's true nature is a great 'Ceramic DM' moment. After going back and forth on this one a dozen times, I'm going to go with Maxfieldjadenfox, because overall the story was more cohesive and the picture use more even.[/sblock]
Maldur
Herobozkit, Tolen mar, Maxfieldjadenfox
Herobizkit
Short but sweet, alas not finished as it was the start of a nice "noir" story
Tolen mar
Weird , What have you been smoking
Dolls, revenge, weirdness, very nice.Maxfieldjadenfox
Nice voodoo style pinochio, very nice, odd story
[sblock]My judgement goes to Maxfieldjadenfox. [/sblock]
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Thank you all, I really appreciate the critiques, and will go back at some point in the future and clean up some details... (By all means, call me Max or Jaden... )
TolenMar and HeroBizkit, thanks for the competition!
)TolenMar and HeroBizkit, thanks for the competition!
Tolen Mar
First Post
I have not been smoking anything, nor have I been at Pablo's tequila.
This is how I write when I let the wheels come off and the story wander where it will. More time to work would have let me explore more of those strange side roads, and maybe even have gotten more detail out of the riverbed. (But then, thats the point, isnt it? Do your best in X amount of time.)
So I like to be strange...is that a crime?
Good stories all, and good luck Max and the others for the next round.
This is how I write when I let the wheels come off and the story wander where it will. More time to work would have let me explore more of those strange side roads, and maybe even have gotten more detail out of the riverbed. (But then, thats the point, isnt it? Do your best in X amount of time.)
So I like to be strange...is that a crime?
Good stories all, and good luck Max and the others for the next round.
BSF
Explorer
mythago said:
*Grumble*
OK, I am at work now and have plans for tonight, but I might be able to squeeze in a search for the judgement to re-send.
It is unlikely, but I might be able to do it at work today.
Worst case, I can send my vote without any commentary, but that's a cop out. I easily remember which story I preferred, but commentary is a good thing.
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