Fall Ceramic Dm™ - Winner!
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
D'oh. 6 is at home, and I'm stuck at a client out in the boonies all day. Will resend tonight.
Herobizkit
Adventurer
Thanks for the positive words, all. I am kinda kicking myself for not playing closer attention to the rules. I usually do all my computer work at, well, my work, which is the graveyard shift at a hotel. So, I was trying to squeeze out a story in a very short amount of time, and I've learned that it takes more than one sitting. 
As long as my hook interested everyone enough to see the rest of the story (which is and will probably be unfinished), I am pleased.
As long as my hook interested everyone enough to see the rest of the story (which is and will probably be unfinished), I am pleased.
Aris Dragonborn
First Post
Sialia, have you thought about turning that bit about 'Albert Beastie' into an actual story? I, for one, would be interested in reading that.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
So I'm wondering if the next round will be groups of two or groups of three... And guessing it will probably happen right in the middle of NaNoWriMo... 
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Two per match, this time (usually, anyway). Don't know about BSF, but I can turn these around much faster now that work has calmed down.
mythago
Hero
Round One, Set Six
Rodrigo Istalindir
Wild Gazebo - Cracked Pavement
This story has a surreal, dream-like quality, with some excellent prose. More a stream-of-consciousness effort than a straightforward narrative, which is hard to pull off in Ceramic DM. Here, the individual vignettes work on an literary level, but don't cohere enough to form a complete story.
It's too bad, because the writing is very good, very evocative. What's lacking is a focus on story. It seems like the words are there to be admired for themselves rather than as a blocks with which to build a story.
The picture use suffers for this as well. Because there is little narrative continuity, the pictures are constrained from having any integration beyond their appearance. The picture of the couple is very good, and integral to the scene. The circus tent is descriptive, but fits the text well. The picture of the doorway is also merely descriptive, but of all the pictures, this is the one that seems to throw a shadow over the rest of the story. The crushed cars seem out of place, included only because the rules required it.
Bibliophile - Good Advice
This story starts off smartly with an early unexpected twist. There's some unnecessary foreshadowing -- "Somehow, getting shot always seems to ruin my day." gives too much away. You get to the sudden revelation of the narrator as a hied killer soon enough. The foreshadowing hurts an otherwise excellent opening. Still, it's well done, and certainly hooks the reader.
The second scene, at the bar in Sydney, works in retrospect, but at the time I was reading it it really provoked a 'Huh?' feeling. Not bad, necessarily, but the transition was a little rough. The protagonist seems a little too willing to think the strange events are centered on her, but the story moves to the conclusion where all is explained quickly enough that it carries you through.
Nice twist, by the way, on not revealing the character's gender till the end, and using the picture to do it. The ending is nice, tying together the previous action, and with a good twist. The writing here is a little awkward; I had to re-read it a couple times to make sure I had everything straight. The shift is a little abrupt. A little longer transition between the dialogue between the woman and her angel and the woman-as-angel would help, I think.
Picture use is average. The highlight for me was the picture of the couple, which added something to the story by reversing the expected (for me) appearance of the protagonist. The clothes on the line is also pretty good. The crushed cars seems out of place - the appearance of the supernatural would have been better saved for the conclusion. A more mundane use of the picture would have been better. The doorway as the safe-house is merely descriptive.
Judgement:
[sblock]
While Wild Gazebo's story has some really nice writing, and the hint of an underlying story that could be very good, the fragmented nature of the tale keeps it from feeling like a whole.
Bilbiophile's story has some jarring transitions, and the pacing is a little off, but overall this
was a better 'Ceramic DM' entry.
[/sblock]
BardStephenFox
Wild Gazebo - Cracked Pavement
Wild Gazebo offers us a montage of different experiences based around
the pictures.
This piece has a very artistic feel. Presented experiences that reflect
memories. Whether the piece is fictional or not is irrelevant because
of it's attempts to reach artistry. It is an interesting presentation
and it is courageous for the way it steps outside the bounds of a
traditional Ceramic DM story. However it does not work for me.
There are a few issues here. First of all, I don't really have enough
of a feel for the character to care. I obviously do not feel the same
rush of emotions from the pictures as the author does. There are some
very beautiful visuals being constructed from the words to mesh with the
pictures, but it isn't enough for me. Due to the oddness of some of the
pictures, they feel more contrived than a freeform exhibit of experience
and emotion. There isn't enough to tie these events together with a
continuity timeline. This leads to another issue. Because it isn't a
classic story, it doesn't have a solid flow to the storytelling.
In many ways, these issues are not a problem. I can readily accept that
a piece of art doesn't appeal to me and still appreciate the skill in
which the art was constructed. I can do that with this story. But this
is Ceramic DM. The flow of the story and the importance of the picture
to fit in as seamlessly and relevantly as possible is an important
factor when I judge. So how well was all of this integrated?
Picture use:
The first picture is of the building. 366 Emaner Street; the temple of
loss. The scene is well described, but the centerpiece is the chair,
which I barely notice. Arguably, the picture is crucial as the
character's starting point. The character referencing the chair
throughout the story does help bring significance to the picture.
The second picture is more interesting to me. This is simply because of
the language used to describe it. But the scene described loses context
with the picture. With the way the scene is described, I ponder what
the most significant structure is. We are presented with the
environment from afar with the character a small detail in the overall
picture. This causes the significance of the picture to falter. If it
had been a picture of a book on a bed, or of the character, it would
have felt much more satisfying to me.
The story behind the third picture makes me smile slightly. It is
nicely written, but I still don't have enough of a feel for the
character to really appreciate the scene for what it is.
The fourth picture is of the cars. I see that there is symbolism here,
but again I don't have a strong enough frame of reference to easily
place it with the character.
This picture set baffles me. Each picture is wonderfully rendered in
the written word. Each picgture is significant. But I don't find any
of it to be really engaging. They work as a montage, but they are not
integrated into a story. So I am baffled on how to rate it.
Individually, each picture works. But as a whole, it falls apart
without anything to tie the depicted events together in a meaningful way.
Bibliophile - Good Advice
Bibliophile presents us with a slightly twisted morality tale.
We have a rather despicable protagonist that is being assisted toward
finding the path of goodness. After several subtle tries, the
protagonist still doesn't question her actions, so the guardian must
step in and offer some advice. It's a little hokey, but it works as a
story.
The most compelling thing about the story is the premise. It is a
morality tale, but it is one filled with the hope that even some of the
worst folks can find a way to atone. You just need to stop what you are
doing and recongize those second (tird, fourth, whatever) chances for
what they are. Not everyone will enjoy this sort of morality play, but
it does work as a device to push the story along. Though, in the case
of the protagonist, she still doesn't change her ways and must repent
before she finds the path to goodness.
Unfortunately, the events themselves seem a little forced. This is a
fault of Ceramic DM stories. The disparate pictures do not always make
for smooth flowing stories. Of course, that is also the challenge. The
stories where the pictures all flow together smoothly are often the best
stories. Despite the forced events, there is still good dialog and an
interesting thread to tie everything together.
Picture use:
The first picture is of tie-dye shirts in a backyard. In this case, the
camera zooms back to show the shooter investigating the protagonist. I
would have preferred a little better framing on the environment where
tie-dye shirts hanging in somebody's backyard is a little more
expected. Otherwise, the picture is a pretty good effort.
The second picture is of the cars. This is one that seems forced. We
aren't presented with a reason why the cars must be crushed to stop the
protagonist from finishing her current job. It is an event that just
happens. It is a Ceramic DM story and an explanation isn't always
required. But a solid explanation would do a lot to strengthen the
presentation of the picture.
The picture of the angel and the protagonist smoking cigarettes on the
bed is slightly absurd. But it does work because the story taps into
some of that absurdity throughout.
The last picture is a revisit to the safehouse. I admit that I thought
the safehouse picture was being used sooner. But I like where it is
better. It would have worked even better if you had tied more details
into the story with significance.
The picture use is solid enough. It isn't inspiring, but it works. I
think you can tie it up and present it in a stronger format, butI won't
belabor the point.
Comparison
Wild Gazebo has some beautiful language to accompany the pictures. The
montage effect is risky, but it is a worthwhile risk. Unfortunately
there isn't enough tieing the montage together.
Bibliophile presents a solid 'workhorse' story. It has flaws and places
to be improved. But it is a good read and I enjoyed it.
[sblock]I really think Wild Gazebo has better picture use when each
picture is taken out of context. But that is part of the problem. Each
picture is lacking an overall context to drive a story forward.
Bibliophile might not have as strong picture use, but there is a story
to read within the pictures. In this case, the stronger continuity
makes for a more enjoyable story. I vote for Bibliophile. Wild Gazebo,
I applaud your willingness to take a risk with your piece. I think it
might be able to work, but it felt flat and detached for me this time
around. I do hope to see more writing from both authors in the
future![/sblock]
Maldur
Wildgazebo
Haunting, odd, fragmented, nice imagery but a bit disjointed. I feel you can dobeter, it has potential.
Bibliophile
Hitmen with a guardain angel, The story left me with a "what?" many things left unadressed, this story needs some work as well.
Good but you can do better.
[sblock]
Tough call, but my judgement goes to WildGazebo for the better proze,
still it was more seperate yet beautifull sentences and not a complete
story.
[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Wild Gazebo - Cracked Pavement
This story has a surreal, dream-like quality, with some excellent prose. More a stream-of-consciousness effort than a straightforward narrative, which is hard to pull off in Ceramic DM. Here, the individual vignettes work on an literary level, but don't cohere enough to form a complete story.
It's too bad, because the writing is very good, very evocative. What's lacking is a focus on story. It seems like the words are there to be admired for themselves rather than as a blocks with which to build a story.
The picture use suffers for this as well. Because there is little narrative continuity, the pictures are constrained from having any integration beyond their appearance. The picture of the couple is very good, and integral to the scene. The circus tent is descriptive, but fits the text well. The picture of the doorway is also merely descriptive, but of all the pictures, this is the one that seems to throw a shadow over the rest of the story. The crushed cars seem out of place, included only because the rules required it.
Bibliophile - Good Advice
This story starts off smartly with an early unexpected twist. There's some unnecessary foreshadowing -- "Somehow, getting shot always seems to ruin my day." gives too much away. You get to the sudden revelation of the narrator as a hied killer soon enough. The foreshadowing hurts an otherwise excellent opening. Still, it's well done, and certainly hooks the reader.
The second scene, at the bar in Sydney, works in retrospect, but at the time I was reading it it really provoked a 'Huh?' feeling. Not bad, necessarily, but the transition was a little rough. The protagonist seems a little too willing to think the strange events are centered on her, but the story moves to the conclusion where all is explained quickly enough that it carries you through.
Nice twist, by the way, on not revealing the character's gender till the end, and using the picture to do it. The ending is nice, tying together the previous action, and with a good twist. The writing here is a little awkward; I had to re-read it a couple times to make sure I had everything straight. The shift is a little abrupt. A little longer transition between the dialogue between the woman and her angel and the woman-as-angel would help, I think.
Picture use is average. The highlight for me was the picture of the couple, which added something to the story by reversing the expected (for me) appearance of the protagonist. The clothes on the line is also pretty good. The crushed cars seems out of place - the appearance of the supernatural would have been better saved for the conclusion. A more mundane use of the picture would have been better. The doorway as the safe-house is merely descriptive.
Judgement:
[sblock]
While Wild Gazebo's story has some really nice writing, and the hint of an underlying story that could be very good, the fragmented nature of the tale keeps it from feeling like a whole.
Bilbiophile's story has some jarring transitions, and the pacing is a little off, but overall this
was a better 'Ceramic DM' entry.
[/sblock]
BardStephenFox
Wild Gazebo - Cracked Pavement
Wild Gazebo offers us a montage of different experiences based around
the pictures.
This piece has a very artistic feel. Presented experiences that reflect
memories. Whether the piece is fictional or not is irrelevant because
of it's attempts to reach artistry. It is an interesting presentation
and it is courageous for the way it steps outside the bounds of a
traditional Ceramic DM story. However it does not work for me.
There are a few issues here. First of all, I don't really have enough
of a feel for the character to care. I obviously do not feel the same
rush of emotions from the pictures as the author does. There are some
very beautiful visuals being constructed from the words to mesh with the
pictures, but it isn't enough for me. Due to the oddness of some of the
pictures, they feel more contrived than a freeform exhibit of experience
and emotion. There isn't enough to tie these events together with a
continuity timeline. This leads to another issue. Because it isn't a
classic story, it doesn't have a solid flow to the storytelling.
In many ways, these issues are not a problem. I can readily accept that
a piece of art doesn't appeal to me and still appreciate the skill in
which the art was constructed. I can do that with this story. But this
is Ceramic DM. The flow of the story and the importance of the picture
to fit in as seamlessly and relevantly as possible is an important
factor when I judge. So how well was all of this integrated?
Picture use:
The first picture is of the building. 366 Emaner Street; the temple of
loss. The scene is well described, but the centerpiece is the chair,
which I barely notice. Arguably, the picture is crucial as the
character's starting point. The character referencing the chair
throughout the story does help bring significance to the picture.
The second picture is more interesting to me. This is simply because of
the language used to describe it. But the scene described loses context
with the picture. With the way the scene is described, I ponder what
the most significant structure is. We are presented with the
environment from afar with the character a small detail in the overall
picture. This causes the significance of the picture to falter. If it
had been a picture of a book on a bed, or of the character, it would
have felt much more satisfying to me.
The story behind the third picture makes me smile slightly. It is
nicely written, but I still don't have enough of a feel for the
character to really appreciate the scene for what it is.
The fourth picture is of the cars. I see that there is symbolism here,
but again I don't have a strong enough frame of reference to easily
place it with the character.
This picture set baffles me. Each picture is wonderfully rendered in
the written word. Each picgture is significant. But I don't find any
of it to be really engaging. They work as a montage, but they are not
integrated into a story. So I am baffled on how to rate it.
Individually, each picture works. But as a whole, it falls apart
without anything to tie the depicted events together in a meaningful way.
Bibliophile - Good Advice
Bibliophile presents us with a slightly twisted morality tale.
We have a rather despicable protagonist that is being assisted toward
finding the path of goodness. After several subtle tries, the
protagonist still doesn't question her actions, so the guardian must
step in and offer some advice. It's a little hokey, but it works as a
story.
The most compelling thing about the story is the premise. It is a
morality tale, but it is one filled with the hope that even some of the
worst folks can find a way to atone. You just need to stop what you are
doing and recongize those second (tird, fourth, whatever) chances for
what they are. Not everyone will enjoy this sort of morality play, but
it does work as a device to push the story along. Though, in the case
of the protagonist, she still doesn't change her ways and must repent
before she finds the path to goodness.
Unfortunately, the events themselves seem a little forced. This is a
fault of Ceramic DM stories. The disparate pictures do not always make
for smooth flowing stories. Of course, that is also the challenge. The
stories where the pictures all flow together smoothly are often the best
stories. Despite the forced events, there is still good dialog and an
interesting thread to tie everything together.
Picture use:
The first picture is of tie-dye shirts in a backyard. In this case, the
camera zooms back to show the shooter investigating the protagonist. I
would have preferred a little better framing on the environment where
tie-dye shirts hanging in somebody's backyard is a little more
expected. Otherwise, the picture is a pretty good effort.
The second picture is of the cars. This is one that seems forced. We
aren't presented with a reason why the cars must be crushed to stop the
protagonist from finishing her current job. It is an event that just
happens. It is a Ceramic DM story and an explanation isn't always
required. But a solid explanation would do a lot to strengthen the
presentation of the picture.
The picture of the angel and the protagonist smoking cigarettes on the
bed is slightly absurd. But it does work because the story taps into
some of that absurdity throughout.
The last picture is a revisit to the safehouse. I admit that I thought
the safehouse picture was being used sooner. But I like where it is
better. It would have worked even better if you had tied more details
into the story with significance.
The picture use is solid enough. It isn't inspiring, but it works. I
think you can tie it up and present it in a stronger format, butI won't
belabor the point.
Comparison
Wild Gazebo has some beautiful language to accompany the pictures. The
montage effect is risky, but it is a worthwhile risk. Unfortunately
there isn't enough tieing the montage together.
Bibliophile presents a solid 'workhorse' story. It has flaws and places
to be improved. But it is a good read and I enjoyed it.
[sblock]I really think Wild Gazebo has better picture use when each
picture is taken out of context. But that is part of the problem. Each
picture is lacking an overall context to drive a story forward.
Bibliophile might not have as strong picture use, but there is a story
to read within the pictures. In this case, the stronger continuity
makes for a more enjoyable story. I vote for Bibliophile. Wild Gazebo,
I applaud your willingness to take a risk with your piece. I think it
might be able to work, but it felt flat and detached for me this time
around. I do hope to see more writing from both authors in the
future![/sblock]
Maldur
Wildgazebo
Haunting, odd, fragmented, nice imagery but a bit disjointed. I feel you can dobeter, it has potential.
Bibliophile
Hitmen with a guardain angel, The story left me with a "what?" many things left unadressed, this story needs some work as well.
Good but you can do better.
[sblock]
Tough call, but my judgement goes to WildGazebo for the better proze,
still it was more seperate yet beautifull sentences and not a complete
story.
[/sblock]
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Next week looks fine for me. Due to the ephemeral nature of both of my jobs, I have no idea after that, but I will make it work regardless... How exciting!
Similar Threads
