Judgment - Round 1, Set 2
BardStephenFox
Aris Dragonborn - The Justicar
You have a good story here. It has good pacing, good action and
interesting characters. I enjoyed reading it. This is not to say that
the story doesn't have room for improvement, because it does. But I
wanted to start with my first impression of the story.
Your opening needs a little work. It includes description and dialog,
but doesn't drive the story forward. I think you could cut out the
conversation with the old man by summarizing the exchange. The
introduction of Lilith is a bit confusing. Does Daniel see her
reflection in the mirror or is her imagfe literally in the mirror? If
Lilith isn't in the bathroom herself, is she leaning forward out of the
mirror? You can clarify this and strengthen the introduction of the
character. I want to be concentrating on who Lilith is, not where she
really is.
You do a good job creating conflict on multiple levels. There is the
obvious conflict between Mordred and Daniel. Then there is Daniel
trying to overcome his fear. I like that you have created parallel
conflicts.
The characterization is good, but it could be a little stronger. Some
of Lilith's mannerisms and actions don't quite ring true for me. Daniel
is pretty consistent. I did have a problem with how easily Mordred was
able to sneak up on Daniel. Clearly Daniel was expecting the
possibility of trouble, but if Lilith hadn't been there, Mordred would
have been well positioned to end the fight immediately. It is a
difficult balance to maintain because you don't want the protagonist to
appear as too competent. I think you could have simply relied on the
fear aspects to show he has weaknesses though.
In all, it is a good story with some places that could be polished up
and improved. So now we move on to how well the pictures are integrated.
You used the picture of the girl to introduce Lilith. It is an unusual
introduction, but it works. You didn't simply rely on the picture for
description. You did describe Lilith within the story. I would have
liked it better if you had explained her unusual makeup, but it was
still a solid picture.
The photo booth was the second picture. You don't adequately explain
why it is better to step outside to a forgotten photo booth to discuss
Mordred. As a result, the picture use is weakened. They could have
stepped outside to a phone booth, or even to Daniel's car.
The ice covered telescope is your next picture. Your descriptive
language is strong, but you don't follow it up with a compelling reason
why the fog is moving in and the telescope is frosted. Does the ice
herald the end of the world? Or is Daniel just letting his fear get to
him?
The stone chair ends up being scene dressing. I was expecting there to
be some sort of symbology with the chair to make it somewhat relevant.
As it is, it could have been a log or a boulder just as easily as a chair.
Your picture use is competent, but it isn't particularly strong. The
best Ceramic DM stories cleanly integrate the pictures as vital pieces
of the story. It is not easy to do this, but that is the challenge of
the contest.
You still have a good story here and I enjoyed it. But your story could
be a little stronger and your picture use could be better. I really
hope to see more stories from you in the future!
[]SteelDraco - A Day's Work[/b]
This is a creative story. You have taken the pictures and then created
an odd explanation for them. An entity that eats color and leaves
things transparent is kind of neat.
The problem is a less than compelling conflict component. There is some
mystery as to what the entity is, but the discovery of Suzette resolves
it pretty quickly. Your strength with the story is your description and
dialog. But the conflict doesn't create enough tension to actively
engage me as I read the story. This lack of tension hurts the story.
There is a slight flaw to the logic of the story. Michael steals the
jackets from Suzette's house. It appears that he has done this because
they are black and he thinks it will offer some protection from the
entity. This isn't a bad idea, but when compared against the pictures
it appears to be more an effort to fit the frost picture into the
story. However, you already establish that the containment device has a
side effect of making the area cold. Given that Sam is a genius, it
doesn't make much sense that they don't already have cold protective gear.
My point is that you didn't need to have Michael steal the jackets to
justify the scene. You could have established the dark figures based on
the qualities of the containment device. Michael's actions in the
context of the story seemed odd and weakly motivated to me. In
retrospect you didn't need to include them at all since the color of the
jackets doesn't play any significant part in the story.
Keep in mind that this didn't ruin the story, but it is a weak component
you could revisit and strengthen.
How about your picture use?
Your first picture is the stone bench. The bench itself isn't
significant but you use the scene as an opportunity to introduce
Suzette. She just happens to be invisible so the picture is significant
for what it doesn't show. Very cleverly done! I appreciated it.
The second picture used was the made up Suzette so she is visible. You
weaved in aspects of the picture into a believable motivation.
The significance of the containment unit being iced over is decent. It
isn't the strongest use, but it isn't bad either.
The usage of the last picture as a storefront works. Fortunately you
have established throughout the story that the entity eats color. So it
leaves the picture with some significance as the characters witness the
entity at work.
Overall this is good picture use. You were creative with a few of the
pictures and retained significance for the rest.
It was a fun story and I enjoyed it. If you do revisit the story in the
future, I would encourage you to try to increase the tension with more
conflict as well as rethinking whether you need Michael to lift the
coats from Suzette's house.
tadk - In Periphery
Tadk takes a chance with poetic symbology in his submission. At least
that is what it seems like to me. This tale seems more like freeform
poetry than anything else. I must be honest here, freeform poetry is
not a vehicle I particularly like. Nor is it one I feel particularly
well-equipped to comment on.
The tale did not engage me enough to hold my interest. I found myself
wanting to skip forward and find something that piqued my interest.
This is a bad sign and it considerably weakens your message. In my
case, I think it obfuscated it completely.
This is not to say there aren't strengths to your submission. You have
some wonderfully evocative language. It might be a little overdone, but
maybe not. I do like that you tried to tie everything in with a theme.
Unfortunately I think that the pictures may have been too creatively
constrictive.
You have some strong picture use. The weakest one is, perhaps, the
photo place. I do like the bench sitting in the sun, but holding the
cold of winter. In any event, all the pictures are well used within the
context of your submission. That was well done.
You obviously put a lot of effort into this. I cannot find the cadence
or the hook to really engage me and reveal what your message is. I'm
really sorry for that because your langauge is evocative enough that I
really wish I did understand what you are trying to convey. I have a
feeling that if I heard you read it aloud, things would fall into place
better. But even when I tried to read it aloud to myself, I still
couldn't make sense of everything.
As I said, the format is not one that I like so keep that in mind when
reading my comments. It might be that I am not the target audience and
I completely missed what you were trying to say.
Comparison[sblock]
For me the decision is between The Justicar and A Day's
Work. Both stories have strengths and flaws. I can go back and
forth pointing out comparative elements and I still won't come to a
clear decision. In this case I think SteelDraco has a little better
picture use. This is Ceramic DM and the significance of the pictures is
a big component. In that light, I must toss my vote to SteelDraco's
A Day's Work.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Aris Dragonborn - The Justicar
This story feels like a small part of a greater whole, dropping the reader into the middle of a larger saga. This can be an effective technique, giving a short story the weight and detail of a larger work. It can also work against you, confusing the reader or presuming knowledge of details that don't come across. 'The Justicar' falls somewhere in the middle. The author does a good job of introducing the characters and setting the stage for the action to follow. It's weaker, though, when it comes to establishing the back story. We get the impression of an eternal battle between powerful forces, but the details that would create a framework to hang the story on are missing. Is Lilith the mythical demoness? The supposed first wife of Adam? Or is it just a name? The same for Mordred. If the choice of names was supposed to be literal, then more back story is necessary to link the disparate elements. If the names are just names, then they set expectations that the sto!
ry doesn't meet. The hints and tease of an epic story don't really play out. The bulk is a fight scene between Daniel and Mordred, with Daniel overcoming his fear and emerging victorious. The transition, though, seemed forced.
It's unfortunate that the elements of the story aren't up to the writing, the fight scene in particular. This kind of action can be hard to do without being repetitive or boring, but here the pacing and prose are evocative and effective. Overall, the writing is solid, with only a few awkward turns of phrase.
Picture use is average. The picture of the girl introduces Lilith, but there is no explanation for the makeup. The photo booth is a throw-away, used as a backdrop and nothing more. The frost-covered telescope is a little better, but more explanation of 'why' would have made it stronger. The stone bench, too, is merely window dressing. Nothing bad here, but nothing really clever or inspired, either.
tadk - In Periphery
Judging this story gave me fits. Very non-traditional, especially for Ceramic DM. Almost more poem than prose, there is some superb imagery and exceptional lyric phrases. "This is the heart of winter when spirits and aliens walk the land in search of what it is they think they want." I'm not entirely sure what the author was getting at, but it definitely evokes a reaction from me and sticks in my head. An elegy to the seasons, I think, but so elliptical that even after several readings I'm not sure I have a real idea of what the author was trying to convey. Not that that's a bad thing -- something challenging and multi-facted is welcome.
But.
But as interesing as this was, and as beautiful and intriguing as the writing, it lacks the narrative flow that is almost required by Ceramic DM. The pictures are all used well, in that they reflect what is in the text, but they lack any grounding in a plot. Much like using the pictures in a dream sequence or virtual reality can be considered a cop-out at times, here the abstract nature of the tale makes it seem like the pictures were shoehorned into the story, rather than inspiring and driving the writing.
SteelDraco - A Day's Work
A nice little story in the X-files/Bureau 13 motif. The tone is spot-on, with the right mix of techno-babble, hard-boiled detective, and paranormal. The background is sketchy but sufficient. The characters are a little two-dimensional, but this *is* a short story. Definitely characters and a setting that could be re-used and expanded. A clever and original mystery, too, with an extra-dimensional entity leeching color from the world and one particularly unfortunate artist.
The setup is stronger than the resolution, which is too bad, because it was really rolling along. Some explanation of 'why' is really needed to tie things up neatly. I did like the now-transparent artist becoming a part-time agent, though.
Picture use is pretty good. Having the invisible artist being made up as a mime was a perfect way to use a picture as something other than what it literally was and yet still account for its oddities. The bench was kind of a throw-away, although I can't decide whether to take off points for inserting an invisible element or laugh at the audacity. The frost-covered telescope is also a little weak, but at least the self-referential nod at the explanation helps. The photo booth, coming at the end, fits perfectly.
Judgement:
tadk's free-form elegy is intriguing, and some parts are beautifully written. In the context of Ceramic DM, though, it really doesn't work. Aris' tale of immortals doing battle is well written, but focuses too much on combat and not enough on plot and detail. SteelDraco puts together a fine story, hampered only by a weak ending.
[sblock]My judgement is for SteelDraco.[/sblock]
Maldur
Round One, Set Two contestants
SteelDraco vs. tadk vs. Aris Dragonborn
Aris Dragonborn
A secret agency to protect the mundanes, sword fights with "legendary"
badguys, great fight scene
tadk
Fragmented, images and "sound bites", confusing story, too many questions
SteelDraco
A secret agency to protect the mundanes, a color eating monster, Nice flow
[sblock]My judgement: Steeldraco, best flow and readablity, I want to know more
about the hoffman institute.[/sblock]
Winner: [sblock]SteelDraco goes on to Round Two.[/sblock]
