maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Which ones? 
I am curious to see the last round judgements too...
I am curious to see the last round judgements too...
Last edited:
Fall Ceramic Dm™ - Winner!
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
maxfieldjadenfox said:Which ones?
I re-sent the previous rounds to Mythago a couple days ago. This morning's email was for the finals.
If I had the previous set on this computer, I'd post them. I'll try to remember to do that when I get home.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Ceramic DM
I look into the vast void
and see no judgement
(Gauntlet has been thrown, Space Monkey. do you haiku?)
I look into the vast void
and see no judgement
(Gauntlet has been thrown, Space Monkey. do you haiku?
)
mythago
Hero
SteelDraco -- Scratched
Maxfieldjadenfox - Elemental
Short and sweet, there is a nice economy to this story that makes it seem
almost like a parable or fable. There are some nice touches (the
rabbit-fur gloves, for example) that add a little depth to the story
without distracting from the flow. That one sentence does more to
establish the character of the sensei than anything else, and is a
marvelous example of defining a character indirectly. The story moves
quickly from event to event, as the granddaughter (re)discovers the
elemental forms of nature.
There are a couple of things that seemed missing, though. The story is
too self-contained, with no sense of place or time or purpose. Having the
story entail teaching the granddaughter a lesson would have turned it's
lack of external references into a strength. On the other hand, even a
sketchy plot that involved something outside the scene would have enabled
the reader to get a little more involved. As it is, it seems too much
like a story written just to be a story. Not a critical flaw, by any
means, but the writing and concept deserved better, I think.
Picture use is solid, for the most part. The use of the mast as the path
to elemental enlightenment works, but there was nothing in the setting
that made the image fit (aside from a tenuous ship/sails <> water/air
link). The bunny as sensei seemed a little too cute, at first, but the
writing elevates it, and it ties into the end nicely. The sensei in the
corner is a little perfunctory. The ice ballerina was very good, and the
accompanying text was exceptional. The transparent curtains were
intriguing, with the text ("laughing to myself that they thought they
could keep me out") adding an additional dimension.
SpaceMonkey - Untitled
Wow. A lot of twists and changes in a short story. I must admit I didn't
see the ending coming. The fast pacing keeps things moving, which is
good. The internal monologue of the protagonist is serviceable, although
by the end it was getting a little old. Thats a technique best used
sparingly, I think. The way the story morphs from hard-boiled detective
to high-tech to maybe supernatural to cyberspace is well-executed, the
pace of the story helping keep the reader off-guard. The text is
workman-like, but the breathless run-on nature wears out its welcome
pretty quick. A lot of that might be formatting, though, so it's not that
big a deal.
A little more, beginning and end, would be welcome. Show the setup to the
crime using the same virtual metaphor, and then bookend it with action in
the real world, perhaps. The symmetry would help the overall effect. The
biggest problem with this story is that cyberspace and Ceramic DM
constraints don't mix well most of the time. Any picture, no matter how
off the wall, can be used as a cyberspace metaphor without having to go
through the contortions of setting that a normal story would require.
Much like using dream sequences, or god forbid, a picture as a picture,
it's a sort-of cheat. Not against the rules, per se, but kind of a crutch.
Given that, the picture use is decent. The ice ballerina as the kidnapped
AI is clever, although the virtual stuffed bunny doesn't seem to fit.
More connection between the two would have elevated both uses. The ships
rigging and virtual martial artist are simply descriptive. The plastic
curtain as high-tech VR screen was an interesting use, though.
Summary: Spacemonkey has the outlines of an interesting world, but the
cyberspace setting gimps the picture use, and the story would be well
served by a more detailed context. Maxfieldjadenfox has some pretty good
picture use, and has written a tight story. It, too, could have used a
little more context, but a pretty good effort overall.
Judgement: Maxfieldjadenfox
Maxfieldjadenfox - Elemental
Short and sweet, there is a nice economy to this story that makes it seem
almost like a parable or fable. There are some nice touches (the
rabbit-fur gloves, for example) that add a little depth to the story
without distracting from the flow. That one sentence does more to
establish the character of the sensei than anything else, and is a
marvelous example of defining a character indirectly. The story moves
quickly from event to event, as the granddaughter (re)discovers the
elemental forms of nature.
There are a couple of things that seemed missing, though. The story is
too self-contained, with no sense of place or time or purpose. Having the
story entail teaching the granddaughter a lesson would have turned it's
lack of external references into a strength. On the other hand, even a
sketchy plot that involved something outside the scene would have enabled
the reader to get a little more involved. As it is, it seems too much
like a story written just to be a story. Not a critical flaw, by any
means, but the writing and concept deserved better, I think.
Picture use is solid, for the most part. The use of the mast as the path
to elemental enlightenment works, but there was nothing in the setting
that made the image fit (aside from a tenuous ship/sails <> water/air
link). The bunny as sensei seemed a little too cute, at first, but the
writing elevates it, and it ties into the end nicely. The sensei in the
corner is a little perfunctory. The ice ballerina was very good, and the
accompanying text was exceptional. The transparent curtains were
intriguing, with the text ("laughing to myself that they thought they
could keep me out") adding an additional dimension.
SpaceMonkey - Untitled
Wow. A lot of twists and changes in a short story. I must admit I didn't
see the ending coming. The fast pacing keeps things moving, which is
good. The internal monologue of the protagonist is serviceable, although
by the end it was getting a little old. Thats a technique best used
sparingly, I think. The way the story morphs from hard-boiled detective
to high-tech to maybe supernatural to cyberspace is well-executed, the
pace of the story helping keep the reader off-guard. The text is
workman-like, but the breathless run-on nature wears out its welcome
pretty quick. A lot of that might be formatting, though, so it's not that
big a deal.
A little more, beginning and end, would be welcome. Show the setup to the
crime using the same virtual metaphor, and then bookend it with action in
the real world, perhaps. The symmetry would help the overall effect. The
biggest problem with this story is that cyberspace and Ceramic DM
constraints don't mix well most of the time. Any picture, no matter how
off the wall, can be used as a cyberspace metaphor without having to go
through the contortions of setting that a normal story would require.
Much like using dream sequences, or god forbid, a picture as a picture,
it's a sort-of cheat. Not against the rules, per se, but kind of a crutch.
Given that, the picture use is decent. The ice ballerina as the kidnapped
AI is clever, although the virtual stuffed bunny doesn't seem to fit.
More connection between the two would have elevated both uses. The ships
rigging and virtual martial artist are simply descriptive. The plastic
curtain as high-tech VR screen was an interesting use, though.
Summary: Spacemonkey has the outlines of an interesting world, but the
cyberspace setting gimps the picture use, and the story would be well
served by a more detailed context. Maxfieldjadenfox has some pretty good
picture use, and has written a tight story. It, too, could have used a
little more context, but a pretty good effort overall.
Judgement: Maxfieldjadenfox
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Thanks, Rodrigo. This is so good for me. Being a picture book writer, I tend to rely on the art to carry a lot of the story, which works and doesn't work in CDM... I think fleshing out the story and explaining the context a bit would benefit it greatly and I will do that at some point.
Turns and bows to Space Monkey. Thanks for a great round, honorable opponent.
Turns and bows to Space Monkey. Thanks for a great round, honorable opponent.
spacemonkey
Official ENworld Space Monkey
.. and the same to you maxfieldjadenfox - good round considering hiccups and such.
I agree with most of the comments on my last story (especially the crutch/VR - something i somewhat realized at the time, but couldn't seem to find an alternative that was usable..)
.. and I guess I can do haiku. Looks like the 5-7-5 english style, so I'll give it a whirl:
down and down it scrolls
many old posts, and one new
there is no next page
I agree with most of the comments on my last story (especially the crutch/VR - something i somewhat realized at the time, but couldn't seem to find an alternative that was usable..)
.. and I guess I can do haiku. Looks like the 5-7-5 english style, so I'll give it a whirl:
down and down it scrolls
many old posts, and one new
there is no next page
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