maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Oh yay for Haiku
It can state the obvious
with such easy grace.
It can state the obvious
with such easy grace.
Fall Ceramic Dm™ - Winner!
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Hey, Bardstephenfox,
You are a great dinner guest,
but where's our judgement?
You are a great dinner guest,
but where's our judgement?
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Silence deafening
The writing is completed
I long for closure
The writing is completed
I long for closure
Last edited:
BSF
Explorer
OK, the first one was my bad. .net, .com, there is a difference and I hosed up the domain I was emailing for Mythago.
The second one, I am not sure. I don't see a judgement posted so I am sending again from my Yahoo account just to be sure.
Oh yeah, I am posting here as well so if Mythago sees this post and still doesn't have an email from me, something very wrong has happened to my email.
I probably should have checked back sooner. But I was working on rewriting my resume. That's finished and it is sent off to a potential employer. If I am lucky, I will switch jobs here in the near future.
The second one, I am not sure. I don't see a judgement posted so I am sending again from my Yahoo account just to be sure.
Oh yeah, I am posting here as well so if Mythago sees this post and still doesn't have an email from me, something very wrong has happened to my email.
I probably should have checked back sooner. But I was working on rewriting my resume. That's finished and it is sent off to a potential employer. If I am lucky, I will switch jobs here in the near future.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Hey BSF,
Yay for new jobs if you want one! And good for you finishing up your resume. I know that's been a work in progress and I'm sure it feels great to have it done!
Yay for new jobs if you want one! And good for you finishing up your resume. I know that's been a work in progress and I'm sure it feels great to have it done!
spacemonkey
Official ENworld Space Monkey
The page slowly falls
From lofty heights to the depths
Bump! it shoots skyward
From lofty heights to the depths
Bump! it shoots skyward
mythago
Hero
Ceramic DM Finals
Rodrigo Istalindir
Maxfieldjadenfox v Spacemonkey v Sialia
Maxfieldjadenfox - Topsy Turvey
An intriguing opening paragraph. Mysterious music, an animated gargoyle (named Neville, no less) that plays the bagpipes, and some good foreshadowing. A nice mix of the spooky and the absurd. A good segue to the rest of the story as well. The description of Jacob and his morning from hell is very well done. You quickly get a good sense of who the character is, and the long, complicated sentences impart a feeling of chaos and breathlessness. It quickly leads into disaster, but the rapid progression from first meeting Jacob to his 'Oh shi-' moment is well paced.
Things take an unfortunate detour from that point, though. The dying man's vision seems perfunctory. He sees Neville, but there is no interaction. People and events from Jacob's history are depicted, but with nary a mention during Jacob's introduction, their inclusion here seems artificial. Even a brief allusion to his relationship with Julie prior to her appearance here would have been welcome. The same goes for the music box.
The surreal nature of the middle of the story gives away the ending. That kind of twist requires some distance between the supposedly fatal event and the resolution, and here there just isn't enough story in between to make the ending anything other than what was expected.
The writing is very strong, with some excellent bits. "Neville was as contrary as any gargoyle ever chipped from stone." in particular.
Picture use is a bit weak. Neville the bagpipe playing gargoyle is excellent. The trooper is also pretty good (despite being an easy choice), although he doesn't really play much of a role. The handstand, ice pillars, and trees suffer from being part of a dream sequence, and don't really work as symbols or as concrete items. The peacock music box was creative, but the item's use in the story seemed to come out of nowhere.
Spacemonkey -- Sight
Unlike many Ceramic DM stories, this one is told from the point of view of the minor characters, guides for a jungle expedition. It is a good approach -- the characters uncertainty and fear of the unknown is plausible, and makes the necessary brevity of the short story an advantage. The readers uncertainty mirrors the characters.
The setup is solid. An enigmatic scientist cloaked behind mirrored shades, natives who may be more than they appear, and two long-time friends, Carlos and Tiago. The briefly-sketched past relationship of the two is important. It adds some emotional depth, for one thing. It also makes the story a little more grounded and less self-contained.
The progression is straight-forward, so low-key I found myself wondering if anything were actually going to happen, if the payoff would satisfy. When it comes, the twist is a little unexpected. The climax to the story is exceptionally well done. The descriptions are great, there is some real tension in the air. Knocking over the statue was a bit of a stretch, but the rest carries it through. My only real complaint would be that I wished more had been explained. As it is, the details seem a little too sketchy.
Picture use is pretty good. Atkins' sunglasses are referenced several times throughout the story, making the picture (and the eyes motif) more important (although ignoring the reflected image in the picture hurts a bit). Tiago's bound form over the altar is a strong image, and really strengthens that whole scene. The piles of snow as tombs for the snow-beasts is decent (and "snow-limned grotesquerie" is great). The peacock statue plays a critical role in the story, and is also key to the recurring 'eyes' theme. The demonic Atkins is largely descriptive but works well. You almost blew it big-time with the symbols over the forest (using a picture as a picture is a no-no), but the reappearance of the symbols at the end redeems it, barely.
Sialia -- Sweet Remembrances, Inc
A charming, quirky little story. The style, an internal conversation between a party planner and his deceased wife, is a clever approach. The tone of voice is dead-on, so to speak, and it lets the personality of the narrator coalesce on its own. His observations on death and grieving alternate between sincere and jaded, which is far more believeable than all one way or the other.
I really liked the way the wife's urn was a constant presence. It provides the emotional underpinning that makes the narrator's ruminations integral to the character rather than just making him a mouthpiece for the author. The bits about the security check at the airport was wonderful.
With no real plot, there is nothing to resolve, so the ending has to rely on emotion and ideas rather than action or what have you. At this, the story fails, I think. Right where it should be getting introspective ("We shoulda had kids, Sal") it veers outward ("No point in bringing a kid into all that"). Everything prior was pointing to some revelation about his past, or perhaps an epiphany that lets him finally stop carrying the urn around, or something. Instead, there's a mini-lecture on the state of the environment. Very jarring, and for me it nearly ruined flow and emotion of the story.
Picture use is decent. The twisted wreck reflected in the sunglasses housing the remains of a cake was a clever twist. The gargoyle as a costume is pretty bland, as is the tumbler doing a handstand. The piles of snow is merely descriptive, but the text ("like the middle digits of the mountain upraised in salute to the memory of the dearly departed") makes is stronger. The symbols-and-trees as decorations on a cake is a neat approach -- that was a hard picture for everyone, but finding a concrete way to use it and providing some context was well done. The peacock urn is essential to the story, and by far the best picture use.
Judgement:
Maxfieldjadenfox starts off strong, but the story doesn't really come together well, and the picture use is pretty weak. Spacemonkey does a good job of setting a scene and creating some tension, puts together a strong ending, and the picture use is fairly strong. Sialia puts forth a nice introspective look at death and memories, but takes a misstep when it comes to the payoff. I think this one comes down to picture use, and while Sialia's peacock is great, Spacemonkey's 'eyes' motif ties a couple pictures together and is consistent throughout the story.
[sblock]Judgement for Spacemonkey.[/sblock]
BardStephenFox
Spacemonkey - Sight
This is a nice story with a somewhat Lovecraftian feel to it.
There is some great work here. There are still some areas where the story can be strengthened, but it is a fine story overall.
There are a few places where character voice doesn't quite ring true to me. This may be an individual preference though. I would encourage you to read through the story again and if you are happpy with character voice, don't worry about it.
I think the weakest parts of the story come from trying to shoehorn the pictures in. You have obviously used the pictures for good inspiration, but they don't quite match the descriptions and the usage. Admittedly, Ceramic DM does not always produce easy to integrate pictures. But that is the point of the contest.
Other than picture use though, I have very little to criticize. There are a few places where I might have chosen a different turn of phrase, or perhaps approached something a little differently. But that is a matter of stylistic differences and not a legitimate weakness to the story. It was an interesting read and you have done a fine job, thanks.
Picture use:
Witness[/u] You have focused on the mirrored shades, but placed Atkins across a fire from Tiago. It is unfortunate that the reflections in the sunglasses appear to be firefighters at a car accident.
Sciencesky This one is used as drawings in the dirt. There is quite a difference between the picture and the usage. Still, it is a challenging picture and a cop out would have been using it as a picture. You didn't quite do that.
Peacock Used literally as a statue of a peacock. That it is later an object of unknown danger is a nice twist and lifts this completely out of a throwaway or mundane usage.
Highsnow Snow formations hiding something potentially dangerous. I would have liked to have seen a little more relevance with this picture. Something to further hint at identity, without giving identity? If that makes any sense...
Toot The flute player of some bizarre ritual. OK, more specifically, as Atkins's true form. Nice little twist there.
Inverted Tiago, being pulled toward the vortex. Nicely integrated, but not quite critical.
Your picture use, overall, is good. Some of the pictures contained details that wouldn't fit in the story well. Some worked quite nicely.
MaxfieldJadenFox - Topsy Turvy
Yes, done definitely counts for something!
This is an interesting little story. I think there is some good potential here. But it still needs some work to strengthen it.
I'm going to digress a bit first though. This is one of the stories that doesn't have any of the pictures marked. That can work at times. Especially if you have done a good job describing the elements. But in this case, it hurts the story from the perspective of a Ceramic DM judgement. Without the annotations, I am left to guess where the author intends to place the picture. If I don't recognize the intended placement, my ability to provide constructive feedback is hindered. Worse, if I don't recognize the elements at all, I might think the picture is missing entirely. This is why annotating pictures, in some form, is a good idea.
Back to the story. There is good description here, but there are also too many long sentences. There is one sentence weighing in at a hefty 41 words. The sentence following it is 32 words. Sadly, these two sentences broke the continuity of the story for me. This is a short story at 1315 words. These two sentences need to be broken down so they flow better.
Speaking of flow, the story doesn't have a strong flow to it. I understand it is supposed to be about the death experience for Jacob. But it is too disparate not to feel like the pictures have been thrust into the story because they had to be. As an example, the peacock music box doesn't appear to hold any particular value to Jacob, or to Julie. It is just there. Kind of like Neville. He is just there to affect Jacob. I think I would have appreciated the story more if I felt there was some sort of cause and effect occurring.
Picture Use:
Witness[/u] Presumably this is the trooper? But I am not sure if it is when he is first introduced or at the end of the story. Still, aside from asking where the music is coming from, he doesn't really play an important part in the story.
Sciencesky Something floating in the sky as Jacob moves to the next picture.
Peacock The music box that was Julie's and is mysteriously at the accident scene.
Highsnow Not sure on this one. Perhaps when Neville makes everything look like icy marble?
Toot Neville taking the time to provide a serenade just for Jacob. There is good description here, but the impact is lessened because I never get a feeling for why Neville is behaving like this.
Inverted Jacob on the plinth. A memorable scene with some links to the helplessness of death.
The pictures are not particularly strong here. Perhaps because four of them are used within a single paragraph? I am left with the feeling that this story was inspired by the pictures, but once that inspiration hit the pictures almost became a hindrance.
Sialia - Sweet Remembrances, Inc.
Um Sialia, where did you come up with this? What a wacky, wacky story. It is odd and kinda morbid, but not in a bad way. It grows on me.
You have done a good job taking the improbable and making it readable. The internal dialog is pretty good. One problem is that using this narrative style kind of ties your hands in some ways. To be sure your audience 'gets it', you need to explain what the premise is. But why would the narrator need to explain the premise through self-dialog? OK, yes the protagonist is really engaging in a conversation, sort of. The point remains though. It is difficult to explain the premise without acting somewhat out of character.
There is good characterization here. Especially considering how little is external to the narrator. I feel like I have a good grasp of who the narrator is, even though I don't know his name.
Picture Use:
Witness You have chosen to focus on the action caught within the reflection. Interesting call to lead the story off with this one. It works as a good lead in though.
Sciencesky Oh my, you have used this one quite literally. Maybe not 100% correctly, but literally. That you tie it to a scientists memorial from having hit a juniper is amusing.
Peacock The urn containing the other person in the conversation. You drag this picture all through the story. Heck, you even mention a matching one for the narrator.
Highsnow Snow covered trees. Not particularly relevant, but you do get a little humor out of them. Especially since their salute to the scientist would match nicely with his thesis.
Toot A costume for the narrator at a different memorial.
Inverted One of the celebrants at the Chicago memorial.
Your picture use isn't particularly strong here. Each picture is a nice little workhorse piece, but they don't particularly drive the story along. They just work nicely.
Judgement:
[sblock]
OK, my commentary is a bit light this time. Sorry about that folks, I'm just juggling too much. Jaden's story has a lot of potential, but it needs some real polish to bring that potential forth. Sialia's story has some good humor and narrative to carry it through. But Spacemonkey really has the better polished story here. It is just a little stronger story and it has better picture use. I vote for Spacemonkey in this round.[/sblock]
There are some great stories here and I really appreciate the work that each author has put into them. Thanks for everyone's efforts!
Rodrigo Istalindir
Maxfieldjadenfox v Spacemonkey v Sialia
Maxfieldjadenfox - Topsy Turvey
An intriguing opening paragraph. Mysterious music, an animated gargoyle (named Neville, no less) that plays the bagpipes, and some good foreshadowing. A nice mix of the spooky and the absurd. A good segue to the rest of the story as well. The description of Jacob and his morning from hell is very well done. You quickly get a good sense of who the character is, and the long, complicated sentences impart a feeling of chaos and breathlessness. It quickly leads into disaster, but the rapid progression from first meeting Jacob to his 'Oh shi-' moment is well paced.
Things take an unfortunate detour from that point, though. The dying man's vision seems perfunctory. He sees Neville, but there is no interaction. People and events from Jacob's history are depicted, but with nary a mention during Jacob's introduction, their inclusion here seems artificial. Even a brief allusion to his relationship with Julie prior to her appearance here would have been welcome. The same goes for the music box.
The surreal nature of the middle of the story gives away the ending. That kind of twist requires some distance between the supposedly fatal event and the resolution, and here there just isn't enough story in between to make the ending anything other than what was expected.
The writing is very strong, with some excellent bits. "Neville was as contrary as any gargoyle ever chipped from stone." in particular.
Picture use is a bit weak. Neville the bagpipe playing gargoyle is excellent. The trooper is also pretty good (despite being an easy choice), although he doesn't really play much of a role. The handstand, ice pillars, and trees suffer from being part of a dream sequence, and don't really work as symbols or as concrete items. The peacock music box was creative, but the item's use in the story seemed to come out of nowhere.
Spacemonkey -- Sight
Unlike many Ceramic DM stories, this one is told from the point of view of the minor characters, guides for a jungle expedition. It is a good approach -- the characters uncertainty and fear of the unknown is plausible, and makes the necessary brevity of the short story an advantage. The readers uncertainty mirrors the characters.
The setup is solid. An enigmatic scientist cloaked behind mirrored shades, natives who may be more than they appear, and two long-time friends, Carlos and Tiago. The briefly-sketched past relationship of the two is important. It adds some emotional depth, for one thing. It also makes the story a little more grounded and less self-contained.
The progression is straight-forward, so low-key I found myself wondering if anything were actually going to happen, if the payoff would satisfy. When it comes, the twist is a little unexpected. The climax to the story is exceptionally well done. The descriptions are great, there is some real tension in the air. Knocking over the statue was a bit of a stretch, but the rest carries it through. My only real complaint would be that I wished more had been explained. As it is, the details seem a little too sketchy.
Picture use is pretty good. Atkins' sunglasses are referenced several times throughout the story, making the picture (and the eyes motif) more important (although ignoring the reflected image in the picture hurts a bit). Tiago's bound form over the altar is a strong image, and really strengthens that whole scene. The piles of snow as tombs for the snow-beasts is decent (and "snow-limned grotesquerie" is great). The peacock statue plays a critical role in the story, and is also key to the recurring 'eyes' theme. The demonic Atkins is largely descriptive but works well. You almost blew it big-time with the symbols over the forest (using a picture as a picture is a no-no), but the reappearance of the symbols at the end redeems it, barely.
Sialia -- Sweet Remembrances, Inc
A charming, quirky little story. The style, an internal conversation between a party planner and his deceased wife, is a clever approach. The tone of voice is dead-on, so to speak, and it lets the personality of the narrator coalesce on its own. His observations on death and grieving alternate between sincere and jaded, which is far more believeable than all one way or the other.
I really liked the way the wife's urn was a constant presence. It provides the emotional underpinning that makes the narrator's ruminations integral to the character rather than just making him a mouthpiece for the author. The bits about the security check at the airport was wonderful.
With no real plot, there is nothing to resolve, so the ending has to rely on emotion and ideas rather than action or what have you. At this, the story fails, I think. Right where it should be getting introspective ("We shoulda had kids, Sal") it veers outward ("No point in bringing a kid into all that"). Everything prior was pointing to some revelation about his past, or perhaps an epiphany that lets him finally stop carrying the urn around, or something. Instead, there's a mini-lecture on the state of the environment. Very jarring, and for me it nearly ruined flow and emotion of the story.
Picture use is decent. The twisted wreck reflected in the sunglasses housing the remains of a cake was a clever twist. The gargoyle as a costume is pretty bland, as is the tumbler doing a handstand. The piles of snow is merely descriptive, but the text ("like the middle digits of the mountain upraised in salute to the memory of the dearly departed") makes is stronger. The symbols-and-trees as decorations on a cake is a neat approach -- that was a hard picture for everyone, but finding a concrete way to use it and providing some context was well done. The peacock urn is essential to the story, and by far the best picture use.
Judgement:
Maxfieldjadenfox starts off strong, but the story doesn't really come together well, and the picture use is pretty weak. Spacemonkey does a good job of setting a scene and creating some tension, puts together a strong ending, and the picture use is fairly strong. Sialia puts forth a nice introspective look at death and memories, but takes a misstep when it comes to the payoff. I think this one comes down to picture use, and while Sialia's peacock is great, Spacemonkey's 'eyes' motif ties a couple pictures together and is consistent throughout the story.
[sblock]Judgement for Spacemonkey.[/sblock]
BardStephenFox
Spacemonkey - Sight
This is a nice story with a somewhat Lovecraftian feel to it.
There is some great work here. There are still some areas where the story can be strengthened, but it is a fine story overall.
There are a few places where character voice doesn't quite ring true to me. This may be an individual preference though. I would encourage you to read through the story again and if you are happpy with character voice, don't worry about it.
I think the weakest parts of the story come from trying to shoehorn the pictures in. You have obviously used the pictures for good inspiration, but they don't quite match the descriptions and the usage. Admittedly, Ceramic DM does not always produce easy to integrate pictures. But that is the point of the contest.
Other than picture use though, I have very little to criticize. There are a few places where I might have chosen a different turn of phrase, or perhaps approached something a little differently. But that is a matter of stylistic differences and not a legitimate weakness to the story. It was an interesting read and you have done a fine job, thanks.
Picture use:
Witness[/u] You have focused on the mirrored shades, but placed Atkins across a fire from Tiago. It is unfortunate that the reflections in the sunglasses appear to be firefighters at a car accident.
Sciencesky This one is used as drawings in the dirt. There is quite a difference between the picture and the usage. Still, it is a challenging picture and a cop out would have been using it as a picture. You didn't quite do that.
Peacock Used literally as a statue of a peacock. That it is later an object of unknown danger is a nice twist and lifts this completely out of a throwaway or mundane usage.
Highsnow Snow formations hiding something potentially dangerous. I would have liked to have seen a little more relevance with this picture. Something to further hint at identity, without giving identity? If that makes any sense...
Toot The flute player of some bizarre ritual. OK, more specifically, as Atkins's true form. Nice little twist there.
Inverted Tiago, being pulled toward the vortex. Nicely integrated, but not quite critical.
Your picture use, overall, is good. Some of the pictures contained details that wouldn't fit in the story well. Some worked quite nicely.
MaxfieldJadenFox - Topsy Turvy
Yes, done definitely counts for something!
This is an interesting little story. I think there is some good potential here. But it still needs some work to strengthen it.
I'm going to digress a bit first though. This is one of the stories that doesn't have any of the pictures marked. That can work at times. Especially if you have done a good job describing the elements. But in this case, it hurts the story from the perspective of a Ceramic DM judgement. Without the annotations, I am left to guess where the author intends to place the picture. If I don't recognize the intended placement, my ability to provide constructive feedback is hindered. Worse, if I don't recognize the elements at all, I might think the picture is missing entirely. This is why annotating pictures, in some form, is a good idea.
Back to the story. There is good description here, but there are also too many long sentences. There is one sentence weighing in at a hefty 41 words. The sentence following it is 32 words. Sadly, these two sentences broke the continuity of the story for me. This is a short story at 1315 words. These two sentences need to be broken down so they flow better.
Speaking of flow, the story doesn't have a strong flow to it. I understand it is supposed to be about the death experience for Jacob. But it is too disparate not to feel like the pictures have been thrust into the story because they had to be. As an example, the peacock music box doesn't appear to hold any particular value to Jacob, or to Julie. It is just there. Kind of like Neville. He is just there to affect Jacob. I think I would have appreciated the story more if I felt there was some sort of cause and effect occurring.
Picture Use:
Witness[/u] Presumably this is the trooper? But I am not sure if it is when he is first introduced or at the end of the story. Still, aside from asking where the music is coming from, he doesn't really play an important part in the story.
Sciencesky Something floating in the sky as Jacob moves to the next picture.
Peacock The music box that was Julie's and is mysteriously at the accident scene.
Highsnow Not sure on this one. Perhaps when Neville makes everything look like icy marble?
Toot Neville taking the time to provide a serenade just for Jacob. There is good description here, but the impact is lessened because I never get a feeling for why Neville is behaving like this.
Inverted Jacob on the plinth. A memorable scene with some links to the helplessness of death.
The pictures are not particularly strong here. Perhaps because four of them are used within a single paragraph? I am left with the feeling that this story was inspired by the pictures, but once that inspiration hit the pictures almost became a hindrance.
Sialia - Sweet Remembrances, Inc.
Um Sialia, where did you come up with this? What a wacky, wacky story. It is odd and kinda morbid, but not in a bad way. It grows on me.
You have done a good job taking the improbable and making it readable. The internal dialog is pretty good. One problem is that using this narrative style kind of ties your hands in some ways. To be sure your audience 'gets it', you need to explain what the premise is. But why would the narrator need to explain the premise through self-dialog? OK, yes the protagonist is really engaging in a conversation, sort of. The point remains though. It is difficult to explain the premise without acting somewhat out of character.
There is good characterization here. Especially considering how little is external to the narrator. I feel like I have a good grasp of who the narrator is, even though I don't know his name.
Picture Use:
Witness You have chosen to focus on the action caught within the reflection. Interesting call to lead the story off with this one. It works as a good lead in though.
Sciencesky Oh my, you have used this one quite literally. Maybe not 100% correctly, but literally. That you tie it to a scientists memorial from having hit a juniper is amusing.
Peacock The urn containing the other person in the conversation. You drag this picture all through the story. Heck, you even mention a matching one for the narrator.
Highsnow Snow covered trees. Not particularly relevant, but you do get a little humor out of them. Especially since their salute to the scientist would match nicely with his thesis.
Toot A costume for the narrator at a different memorial.
Inverted One of the celebrants at the Chicago memorial.
Your picture use isn't particularly strong here. Each picture is a nice little workhorse piece, but they don't particularly drive the story along. They just work nicely.
Judgement:
[sblock]
OK, my commentary is a bit light this time. Sorry about that folks, I'm just juggling too much. Jaden's story has a lot of potential, but it needs some real polish to bring that potential forth. Sialia's story has some good humor and narrative to carry it through. But Spacemonkey really has the better polished story here. It is just a little stronger story and it has better picture use. I vote for Spacemonkey in this round.[/sblock]
There are some great stories here and I really appreciate the work that each author has put into them. Thanks for everyone's efforts!
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