Time for Ceramic DM? (judge-free commentary thread NO JUDGES ALLOWED AS OF NOW :) )

[Berandor]

Berandor

Interesting story. I am left feeling a little confused. Basically, I got very early on that Robert was either a clone or a Robot. I'm a loss as to how he misunderstood his name tag and as to what his truly programming was supposed to accomplish.

Well, he was originally designed as a household helper. He knows how to drive, how to repair, how to clean, how to cook, etc.
As to his misunderstanding of the tag, I should have included it in the story that he was designed not to know that he was a robot, and when faced with evidence he'd shut down. Sort of a fail-safe measure. That's why he kept wearing the glasses (the eyes being a weak spot), didn't wonder about not sleeping, not eating, etc.
In the end, there were a couple of things I would have liked to include (such as a little more explanation in the epilogue as to the robots' and the car's background), but time ran too short and I simply didn't think of it. As it is, with 4730 words, I probably couldn't have included evrything, anyway

There were several miscellaneous things that jolted me out of the story [how can something be futuristic if we don’t know what the present is like?, it hard to be bossy while asking a question, rough transition from the Motel to the Apartments, can't ride/drive a motorcycle with someone in front of you & the laws around motorcycles, etc.].

While I didn't know about the motorcycles, I have regretted that I didn't really flesh out when the story was set (basically, 2005).

The picture use was pretty good, in my opinion. I loved the eye and the car photos. The leaping photo was a pretty visual, but not something I thought was essential to the story. As for the black dot picture, given how tough it was I give you major props for having it be a recurring image.

Thanks

Brief nit pick: Dialogue punctuation is as follows:

"What are you saying?" asked Rose.

The stuff inside gets the question mark, no comma, and the end of the sentence gets a period.

Well, I had read at grammarbook.com:

"Is it almost over?" he asked?

, but even then I did it wrong, didn't I? Thanks, it didn't look right, either

The ending was chilly, but at the same time I felt a little sudden.

Well, one hour left, 300 words left, and still you're right.

The constant use of He early on grated, even though there was a good reason. I liked, however, that you didn't start using Robert until he knew what he looked like. Small smiles happened when you made reference to the writer's trick of the main character not knowing his identity. Another old hat trick, however, is the use of the mirror for description, just FYI.

Yeah, the "He" grated on me, too. But writing "the man" didn't seem right, either.
I used the mirror mainly for two reasons: I needed Robert to know what he looked like so he recognized his "clone", and it sort of framed the story with him looking into the mirror at the end again.

All in all good story. Some room for improvement, but there always is for Ceramic DM.[/QUOTE]
Well, thanks again. "Good" is better than I feared, and I will use that room for improvement if I advance to the next round

 

[Zhaneel]

MarauderX – Recruiting

Very interesting. You & Berandor both picked a chilly theme in the future. Interesting.

I liked the main character early on. He was easy to relate to and I thought I understood his motivations. I liked him being bright enough to want to learn about the various technologies and attempting to do so in a careful way. I foresaw the discovery of his actions. I cursed him going to the police. I found the invisible car suspect, especially the line "we used to work together until recently." Great foreshadowing.

Quibbles: Why didn't the techs remove the name tags so the automotron couldn’t focus on them? Or, since they were proven "loyal", why did they have targettable name tags in the first place? And why did they try to kill him, only to "give up" so that they could hire him? I would have expected the rays to be non-lethal, or some other give-aways that they weren't *really* trying to kill him. It did (belatedly) explain how he was able to easily get away.

I didn't understand what the big deal was about not shutting down the machine, but that is technical crap that I maybe just didn't understand.

I found the picture use pretty strong. The Eye one was okay as a good, but didn't really have a major role to play. The leap was a good use of explanation. The Car was chilly thing and predictable given the invisible nature of the machines. And the woman/spot thing was essential.

Zhaneel

 

[Berandor]

I think they couldn't shut the machine down so that Jerid would stmble over the file?

 

[Graywolf-ELM]

Taladas, it looks like we'll be starting tomorrow as well. I wish us both luck.

GW

 

[BSF]

So, I just posted my latest yarn, Delusional. I'm not sure what I think of this one. Thinking about it before I posted, I think there are a lot of things that might not be received well. Part of the problem was that it took me forever to get the story in my head. Part of the problem is also that I am not sure what perspective would work the best. First person from the Doctor, from darren? Third person immersive? Third person partial immersive? The truth is, there is a lot more detail sitting in my head, but I couldn't find a good way of getting it into the story. With more time, and a higher word limit, maybe I could? I don't know.

Anyway, I am sinking into that self-flaggelation phase where I think I could have done it better. But, my hope is that it is still an interesting read. Will it be better than Francisca's? I don't know. We will see I guess.

 

[Fieari]

Anyway, I am sinking into that self-flaggelation phase where I think I could have done it better. But, my hope is that it is still an interesting read. Will it be better than Francisca's? I don't know. We will see I guess.

Oooh, I'm feeling VERY familiar with that phase. If I were judging me right now, I'm not so certain I'd pick me. I'd probably not, for that matter. *nervous nervous* I -know- I can usually write better than what I've got there.

 

[BSF]

Francisca,
Nice little story. I had fun reading it. I wonder which one the judges will like better?

 

[francisca]

Francisca,
Nice little story. I had fun reading it. I wonder which one the judges will like better?

Thanks!

Your's, mine is too shallow and predictable.

But it was a good experience. Again, I was simply unable to give it the time it deserved.

 

[Macbeth]

I decided to post this here, so as not to clutter the other thread.

I wanted to ask the othger Ceramic DM contestants (and spectators) for advice. My Campus news paper is desperate for submissions. I recently submnitted a short, not so good book review and recieved $40 for it, which for a college student like me is like hitting gold. They frequently publish fiction, usually in a serialized format, and I'm thinking of working up one of my Ceramic DM stories for submissions. So I have some questions:

1. Are any of my entries from this Ceramic DM or the Spring 2004 tourny publishable?

2. If so, which ones? I'm leaning towards "Art Memoir" (though I'd change the title), just since it seems like the kind of edgy, antagonistic, crazy stuff that would go over well with college students.

3. Would working up any of my Ceramic DM stuff for publication be alright with the possibility of a compilation PDF in mind?

4. If I submitted something, how would I go about changing it/making it better?

5. Since it would likely be serialized, how would I break it up into more episodic parts?

I understand that everybody probably has better things to do then help me out, but any feedback would be very much appreciated.

 

[BSF]

Ack! My mind is blown right now. I have posts for our game to write up, I have two posts for my game I want to write up. I have game prep for tomorrow to worry about. Overload!

Tell you what, I will try to take some time to look back over your stories and worst case scenario, I'll tell you what I think tomorrow night at gaming.