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Time for Ceramic DM? (judge-free commentary thread NO JUDGES ALLOWED AS OF NOW :) )
- Thread starter alsih2o
- Start date
carpedavid
First Post
Orchid Blossom - I just finished your story and have a one word comment: brilliant.
Ao the Overkitty
First Post
I'm not allowed to read orchid's story while she's home, so I'll have to wait til tomorrow.
Hmm... Rodrigo... very interesting story.
Hmm... Rodrigo... very interesting story.
orchid blossom
Explorer
carpedavid said:
Thanks.
I really had no idea whether it was any good when I posted it. Berandor and I have discussed this before, how being too close to the story makes you unable to really guage it's quality. I'll read it again in a week or two and see how it went. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Today I get to read all the other stories for the round, and I'm really looking forward to it.
Ao the Overkitty
First Post
Berandor and carpedavid, great little stories. I rather enjoyed them and have yet to figure out which was was the better story.
Berandor made most of my thoughts on carpedavid's story already. As for berandor, the concept of a superhero old age home s great. And the rivalry of the Fox with Supes was well done.
"I'm cunning, damn it!" - heh.
Berandor made most of my thoughts on carpedavid's story already. As for berandor, the concept of a superhero old age home s great. And the rivalry of the Fox with Supes was well done.
"I'm cunning, damn it!" - heh.
Berandor
lunatic
Ao, thanks!
I'll continue my coverage of the entries (Only 3 more stories to go... alright, maybe 4) with the other two semi-final stories. Before I do, though, I want to repeat that it is extremely difficult (if not impossible) to fit all five pics into a narrative so that they not only make sense, but are also equally important to the story. To me, having the pics make sense in the overall plot of the story is accomplishment enough, but I'll still cover it strictly.
orchid blossom, distraction:
what a wonderful and intelligent concept you brought in. I fell absolutely in love with the idea of fate-spinning (at first, I thought Zhi-Nu was one of three sisters, but it seems she was capable enough on her own) and the whole plot. A great idea. As you said, you had an easier time writing this story, and it shows. It flows very well, and there are almost no superfluous scenes at all (see below). And her father's curse, come to earth one day for each year, it just rings true mythically. Well done!
intothelight: A very important part of the story, the story around this pic helps us see the difficulty of fate-weaving (and that there's no real replacement for Zhi-Nu) as well as show us her absence. Good use!
backtobasics: The idea was cool, even though having the living tapestry on her back doesn't help her alot, does it? She's not likely to see what's happening there most of the time. Still, that were the intricacies of the pic, so I'll let it slide.
badday: This pic is a little weak, because while it shows us Zhi-Nu's thread-reading ability again and also brings home that this ability is invisible to humans, as well as pointing out that her negligence has indeed already caused havoc, it cut have cut out of the story easily.
imeanttodothat (great name for the pic, btw!):This is of course one of the central pieces in the story, as her lover's death is Zhi-Nu's punishment for neglecting her duties.
facetoface (what is that thing, anyway?): This felt a little forced to me, because I don't know why her father should reform himself out of this malformed hideous thingy. Contrary to the badday pic, this didn't really make sense to me, and I felt this pic really simply came up because it was in the roster, and not much else.
In the end, a very, very fine entry, with really strong picture use. This story is going to be hard to beat.
But Rodgrigo Istalindir will try anyway with "Life imitates Art":
This was also a very nice story, and how often do you get a supernatural horror story set in a music school? I loved some nice details in your story, like the songs and band names being so pessimistic (sonata grave, crying, etc.). I also loved your use of the tattoos, as magical invocations bringing death and injury. Very cool. You didn't have to explain how it all began, but I would have liked a better understanding of why Kat killed her parents. That first step on the road to darkness is always one or the most important ones.
I also found very cool how Kat really couldn't help herself when it came to David. She didn't want to speak with him, didn't want to meet him, not to sleep with him - that really helped me believe that he'd be the one guy to turn her away from evil.
backtobasics: This is THE central pic of your story, and a very strong and - to me - innovative use. Even before we know the story behind the tattoos, I really liked how Kat was hesitant to show them to David.
intothelight: You're lucky that pic is as blurry as it is, because otherwise that use wouldn't have been fine with me As it is, though, I think it's a great, original use. Molten glass - cool idea!
imeanttodothat: the plane isn't really big enough for transporting almost forty people. If we didn't have that spectator in the pic, as well... still I think this isn't that bad, but coupled with the passive employ of the pic as TV image without bringing it up again (say, by visiting th crash site or something) makes this into probably your weakest use. Not really a weak use, but the rest is better.
badday: poor David. He just wasn't meant to live, was he? For a moment, I thought that was what Kat had wanted with her tattoo, that she wanted him to die, but you weren't *that* mean to me. Anyway, I would have liked it even more for this pic to be the turning point of the story, but I'm at a loss as to how to do that without being too far-fetched. So, when I can't think of a better use, yours must be good
facetoface: You both end with this picture, but you use it differently. You allow the pic to use its full hideousness, and for good measure. This really is a creature out of nightmares (no matter what it really is, it fits well). A dark ending to a similar-yet-quite-different story.
I must admit, at first reading I didn't think you'd win, but after reconsidering your story for this little comment, it holds up better than I thought. It will be a close judgement, I think.
Good luck to both of you!
I'll continue my coverage of the entries (Only 3 more stories to go... alright, maybe 4
) with the other two semi-final stories. Before I do, though, I want to repeat that it is extremely difficult (if not impossible) to fit all five pics into a narrative so that they not only make sense, but are also equally important to the story. To me, having the pics make sense in the overall plot of the story is accomplishment enough, but I'll still cover it strictly.orchid blossom, distraction:
what a wonderful and intelligent concept you brought in. I fell absolutely in love with the idea of fate-spinning (at first, I thought Zhi-Nu was one of three sisters, but it seems she was capable enough on her own
) and the whole plot. A great idea. As you said, you had an easier time writing this story, and it shows. It flows very well, and there are almost no superfluous scenes at all (see below). And her father's curse, come to earth one day for each year, it just rings true mythically. Well done!intothelight: A very important part of the story, the story around this pic helps us see the difficulty of fate-weaving (and that there's no real replacement for Zhi-Nu) as well as show us her absence. Good use!
backtobasics: The idea was cool, even though having the living tapestry on her back doesn't help her alot, does it? She's not likely to see what's happening there most of the time. Still, that were the intricacies of the pic, so I'll let it slide.
badday: This pic is a little weak, because while it shows us Zhi-Nu's thread-reading ability again and also brings home that this ability is invisible to humans, as well as pointing out that her negligence has indeed already caused havoc, it cut have cut out of the story easily.
imeanttodothat (great name for the pic, btw!):This is of course one of the central pieces in the story, as her lover's death is Zhi-Nu's punishment for neglecting her duties.
facetoface (what is that thing, anyway?): This felt a little forced to me, because I don't know why her father should reform himself out of this malformed hideous thingy. Contrary to the badday pic, this didn't really make sense to me, and I felt this pic really simply came up because it was in the roster, and not much else.
In the end, a very, very fine entry, with really strong picture use. This story is going to be hard to beat.
But Rodgrigo Istalindir will try anyway with "Life imitates Art":
This was also a very nice story, and how often do you get a supernatural horror story set in a music school? I loved some nice details in your story, like the songs and band names being so pessimistic (sonata grave, crying, etc.). I also loved your use of the tattoos, as magical invocations bringing death and injury. Very cool. You didn't have to explain how it all began, but I would have liked a better understanding of why Kat killed her parents. That first step on the road to darkness is always one or the most important ones.
I also found very cool how Kat really couldn't help herself when it came to David. She didn't want to speak with him, didn't want to meet him, not to sleep with him - that really helped me believe that he'd be the one guy to turn her away from evil.
backtobasics: This is THE central pic of your story, and a very strong and - to me - innovative use. Even before we know the story behind the tattoos, I really liked how Kat was hesitant to show them to David.
intothelight: You're lucky that pic is as blurry as it is, because otherwise that use wouldn't have been fine with me
As it is, though, I think it's a great, original use. Molten glass - cool idea!imeanttodothat: the plane isn't really big enough for transporting almost forty people. If we didn't have that spectator in the pic, as well... still I think this isn't that bad, but coupled with the passive employ of the pic as TV image without bringing it up again (say, by visiting th crash site or something) makes this into probably your weakest use. Not really a weak use, but the rest is better.
badday: poor David. He just wasn't meant to live, was he?
For a moment, I thought that was what Kat had wanted with her tattoo, that she wanted him to die, but you weren't *that* mean to me. Anyway, I would have liked it even more for this pic to be the turning point of the story, but I'm at a loss as to how to do that without being too far-fetched. So, when I can't think of a better use, yours must be good facetoface: You both end with this picture, but you use it differently. You allow the pic to use its full hideousness, and for good measure. This really is a creature out of nightmares (no matter what it really is, it fits well). A dark ending to a similar-yet-quite-different story.
I must admit, at first reading I didn't think you'd win, but after reconsidering your story for this little comment, it holds up better than I thought. It will be a close judgement, I think.
Good luck to both of you!
orchid blossom
Explorer
Berandor said:
I cut out some exposition here that I probably should have left in, or at least rewritten. I intended the thing to be a mythical beast that can take other forms. The Jade Emperor's only contribution was to put John's intelligence into the form. It kept coming out practically screaming "Exposition, exposition, exposition!" Obviously, it wasn't clear without it.
Yeah, the piano scene is there to get the piano in. I had the hardest time with that picture. I always picutred the facetoface as some kind of god or mythic creature.
Thanks for you comments, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Berandor said:The pics clearly suggested a "wacky superhero" story, and I think when it comes to humorous stories, my English really fails me. I don't have the casual knowledge that enables you to use puns and similar devices.
Actually, I laughed more than once at your story. The concept of a super hero retirement home was great! I know what you're saying about puns and such; you really have to immerse yourself in a culture to understand and use a lot of those. Still, some humor did shine through.
I sent the link to your second round story to a friend of mine and she said, "If he's not a native English speaker, he does a darn good imitation. That
was a good story. I think the moral was not to get a girl pregnant at 15
because she might mutate and have a mutant baby.
I thought you would get a kick out of that
Last edited:
Berandor
lunatic
Eeralai said:Berandor said:The pics clearly suggested a "wacky superhero" story, and I think when it comes to humorous stories, my English really fails me. I don't have the casual knowledge that enables you to use puns and similar devices.
Actually, I laughed more than once at your story. The concept of a super hero retirement home was great! I know what you're saying about puns and such; you really have to immerse yourself in a culture to understand and use a lot of those. Still, some humor did shine through.
I sent the link to your second round story to a friend of mine and she said, "If he's not a native English speaker, he does a darn good imitation. That
was a good story. I think the moral was not to get a girl pregnant at 15
because she might mutate and have a mutant baby.
I thought you would get a kick out of that
That's a great quote!
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Thanks for the comments, Berandor. Good luck in the finals!
I really enjoyed doing this. I've always wanted to write, but by the time I get home at the end of the day, it's hard to summon the energy. Hopefully this will get me off my butt and motivate me to keep going.
I had a serious case of writer's block this last time, and didn't sit down and start writing until Sunday afternoon. 6 hours straight, and all set to upload, and then I figure I'd better run a word count. Glad I did, since I was quite a bit over the limit.
I ended up hacking out two sections. One was a flashback covering the death of Kat's parents, which went a long way to explaining why she turned out the way she did. The other was a section where Kat meets the doomed judge, and provides a (in her mind, anyway) justification for what she did, but also sets up the piano sequence.
Re-reading it the morning after I posted, and I was really unhappy at the spackle job I did trying to patch it back together. If I get time this weekend, I think I'll go add them back in and see if I can tighten it up enough to still fit under the limit.
And man, did I have the strangest dreams that night....
I really enjoyed doing this. I've always wanted to write, but by the time I get home at the end of the day, it's hard to summon the energy. Hopefully this will get me off my butt and motivate me to keep going.
I had a serious case of writer's block this last time, and didn't sit down and start writing until Sunday afternoon. 6 hours straight, and all set to upload, and then I figure I'd better run a word count. Glad I did, since I was quite a bit over the limit.
I ended up hacking out two sections. One was a flashback covering the death of Kat's parents, which went a long way to explaining why she turned out the way she did. The other was a section where Kat meets the doomed judge, and provides a (in her mind, anyway) justification for what she did, but also sets up the piano sequence.
Re-reading it the morning after I posted, and I was really unhappy at the spackle job I did trying to patch it back together. If I get time this weekend, I think I'll go add them back in and see if I can tighten it up enough to still fit under the limit.
And man, did I have the strangest dreams that night....
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