Time for Ceramic DM? (judge-free commentary thread NO JUDGES ALLOWED AS OF NOW :) )

[Berandor]

So... the final story I'll tackle - for this tournament

orchid blossom: The Puppet Master (Mistress?)
First of all, I don't know how you manage to keep your story so short and yet so full of information. It seems I'm more prone to rambling

It's interesting that we both have our protagonists change into the "orc", and it's interesting both changes are involuntary. We really didn't want to use the orc as is, did we?

I liked your story quite a lot, I must admit. The humor of it was very entertaining. I didn't really get what happened to Nigel at the end strictly by reading the story. I *think* he was dominated by Sophia, no I know he was dominated, but still it somehow wasn't clear to me.
I'm also not sure about the final sentence. "Another for the lady" doesn't seem to fit fully into the situation. As it stands, it reads as if Sophia was known as "the Lady" somehow (like a nickname). Perhaps the nanny means the girl shall pay Sophia a coin, as well, but if so, that wasn't clear. It works, but it also reads as if you consciously tried to frame your story. I don't know; perhaps it could have profited from an extra sentence somewhere.
I liked that you foreshadowed the end not only with the title of the story, but also with Sophia's outburst at Nigel's hideout, and that it was in character for Nigel to not get it That was cool.

The pictures:
Sorcerer: Now, I don't know why alis2ho didn't call this pic "sorceress", but he's gotta answer that himself I also don't really know what that girl is holding - does the black sponge come out of her ring, or am I blind? Still, Sophia was fairly important for the story, of course. I liked that you used the pic not in the brothel, when it wouldn't have fit as well.

Orc: That is a huge orc, but he's gonna starve, for there's no way he's gonna close his mouth enough to eat As I said, we both have our "heroes" (mine isn't, and yours isn't really, as well) turn into the orc. You might have pushed the funny in his discovery of the change, but then the story would have drifted too much into comedy to work with its chilling end, I think.

treasure: You made the pic important by focusing on the skull (other than it being a treasure). I think that's a good choice, as I had the problem of introducing it and keeping it in the story. Of course, the treasure is also Nigel's primary motivation for stepping into Sophia's trap. You might have made it more clear that she needs the skull for her spell, because why didn't she dominate him in the brothel otherways? Or did she want to be sure?

fighter: A noble knight to the rescue! He's duped in your story, and a villain in mine - probably another similarity caused by "don't take the pic as it is!" But who is he, and what happens to him afterwards? He's just gone.

cleric: While we're at it? What happens to Darien? He's tackled to the ground, and then Nigel rushes off, but Darien doesn't. Doesn't the cleric find it strange when Nigel returns tumbling for Sophia? Perhaps he should have died in the attack.

rogue: Finally, we see Nigel. I held off the pic of my protagonist till the end, as well, and I think it works here well. Nigel really gets what's coming to him; he's not only a (somewhat) immoral thief, but he's not the brightest torch in the signal fire, either. Never catch something a wizard throws at you

In the end, I enjoyed your story, and your writing, as always, but I can't help but feel that you could have done even better. Still, as you know, I can't judge my own story until the Winter tourney has passed (and I don't think my story is quite as effective as I had hoped), so I'm reasonably confident you'll at least give me a run for my money, if not oust me completely

Good luck, anyways, and I hope you're not in any way mad at me for my poems. It was all meant in jest.

 

[Berandor]

Once is enough

 

[Berandor]

All good things come in threes.

 

[orchid blossom]

After I posted my story, there were so many other things I wanted to say, all of which would have been biasing and not good for my side.

My muse played a joke on me. I finally got even the barest idea for a plot Sunday morning, which means I had one day to write it. (I couldn't use Monday as I had to work.) I got through the story and realized that I had clarified what I wanted to write, and had something that was really a first draft on my hand. But I just had no time to do a major rewrite.

I also realized that I had written another "intro" story. I got to the end and it felt like it should go on to say just what dastardly stuff Sophia would do with her new "puppet." So I had to frame the story. The phrase, "Another one for the lady," was in the first sentence of the story, and I hoped to make it circle around and feel finished that way. I knew it wasn't perfect, but it was all my addled brain could come up with at eleven at night.

Most of the problems you pointed out with continuity I realized were there, and had intended to fix. But I stopped for a break and ended up going to sleep, and that was the end of that.

As for rambling, it's a major tendency of mine, and one that I have to work very hard to avoid. When I was in creative writing classes my short stories always made 20 pages and were more like chapters. When I started doing Ceramic DM I kept telling myself "Only information they actually need, and don't expound on it! They're smart enough to get it."

Anyway, that's enough of that nonsense. Now I'm off to read your story.

 

[Zhaneel]

Loved Orchid's story. Very well done, very succient. I actually think it works quite well as is and loved the endline.

The comments about what happens to Nigel and the importance of the knight are valid.

Berandor's is an interesting story, but not one that I cared for in the overall moral. I didn't understand the motivation of the knight & 3 troublemakers. I also wanted to know what happened to Cedric's father and wanted that resolved. I think the action was a little unclear at times.

As for picture use, I think the use of the orc was strong as was the elfing girl. Treasure was almost a throw-away. I knew when you referenced his father's outfit that it would be the cleric. I really wish I had understood the knight better.

Great entertainment, sorry I've been so absent.

Zhaneel

 

[orchid blossom]

Just wanted to pop in quick, Berandor, and let you know I really enjoyed your story. To me, no matter what genre the story is, it's the characters that matter. Your protagonist goes through a major change, and the story really focuses on the events that get him there. If I were a judge, I'd give you the nod. It was well written, read easily, (except for the violence scene with Alliya, which shouldn't read comfortable) and well contained.

I call it a success all around. Great job.

 

[cptg1481]

I'm In

I'd love to play this thing once.

Thanks, The Captain

 

[Berandor]

Loved Orchid's story. Very well done, very succient. I actually think it works quite well as is and loved the endline.

Well, of course when reading the story, I also have my own interpretation in mind, so that might hinder its efficiency. It's a caveat I always wrote into my comments for my opponents' story, but I think I forgot this time.

Berandor's is an interesting story, but not one that I cared for in the overall moral. I didn't understand the motivation of the knight & 3 troublemakers. I also wanted to know what happened to Cedric's father and wanted that resolved. I think the action was a little unclear at times.

Well, in the end the knight and the bullies were just bullies and a brutal knight. I didn't really concern myself with them (probably a mistake), as I simply wanted to get Cedric to breaking point. Furthermore, the knight is, in my mind, influenced by Raxos (I hinted at that with the "don't waste my time" line).

To me, the story was meant to illustrate the tendency to pick on the weak and idolize the strong, as well as the danger of overlooking such picking or possible warning signs in those picked on. It was simply about Cedric's descent. It's not that Cedric was a good guy - but he might have been. Instead, he has no father, is picked on, ridiculed - and when he finally gets the power to retaliate, he can't control it. There's so much anger inside of him that he ends up hurting those he loved, and exploiting the weak as well.

I intended it to be an allegory of, among others, school shootings. It was a high goal, perhaps too high for such a tournament, but as it stands, it seems it was too high for me in such a tournament to succeed fully. A good indicator for that is that I feel the need to explain it, instead of the reader getting it by him/herself.

I hope it works at least partly, and is entertaining

Treasure was almost a throw-away.

Heh. I know.

ETA: And I agree that I had an advantage in the timing. I had to work as well, but on the way to work I went over the story, and then I had a few hours after work to make a few final edits.

 

[orchid blossom]

ETA: And I agree that I had an advantage in the timing. I had to work as well, but on the way to work I went over the story, and then I had a few hours after work to make a few final edits.

I still had 2 full weekend days to work with, I'd say that's plenty advantage right there. It was the late start that got me, not any real lack of time. My muse must have been mad cause I wouldn't let her beat up your muse.

Oh, and just so you know, I thought the poems were great.

 

[Berandor]

I just wanted to write down my reaction to some off-board feedback I got.

I think both orchid and I showed the time strain this time. One reason why my story might be a little jumpy and confusing is that I tried not to write too much; I had been criticized to waiting too long before the action starts, basically. I normally write a lot, mostly because I think more details lends power to the resolution, but I tried to keep my word count in check this time.

Also, I kind of chickened out of the knight/Allyria scene because I didn't want to set off the grandma alarm nor repulse the judges too much. I normally would have gone much further than I did, and perhaps the lack of brutality harms the story; I don't know for sure.

Finally, let it be said that I hate the pictures that were given to us. Roger Ebert-North-hate. These pics were so generic they didn't really inspire me at all, in any way. Writing a story around these pics was nearly impossible; in the end, I had to write a story first and then find a place for the pictures, plus making them meaningful or essential. That was brutal, simply because these pics could have been from any frickin fantasy story ever written.

Part of me wishes I would have gone with my LARP idea instead