Ceramic Dm (final judgement posted, New Champion announced!)

orchid blossom said:

Also, I originally had a completely different idea. I wanted to write a very "meta" story. It would have starred Piratecat and Clay as over the top villians. Piratecat as a kind of Enworld mob boss, and Clay as "the mad potter" moving in on his territory.

Piratecat would have sent a hired gun to find out what happened to his team of stealth gnomes he'd sent to plant the ants in Clay's air conditioner. Clay would have been creating weird animals from clay and then magically bringing them to life, etc.

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Now see? That's comedy.

Rodrigo Istilandir vs. RPGgirl

Barsoomcore-

RPGgirl "The Touch of a Fairy"

Well, well. The comeuppance of a sulky SCA reject. Hee.

Okay, you've got sulky SCA rejects, fairies, mammoths and big stompy
monsters. You're doing pretty well with me at this point.

Your opening could use work. That first section doesn't really set me
up for anything. If it's meant to be about Dale's anger with Tom (which
I think it should), then all the stuff with forgetting the flashlight
yada yada yada should be dropped. It reduces the impact of the Tim's a
petty tyrant stuff.

Dale does seem to take the sudden appearance of a fairy and a her
loyal, er, MAMMOTH, rather well. There's some laziness in your prose:

"Dale watched as suddenly a high pitched voice filled the cave." --
what exactly did he watch? Drop the first four words and you have a
much better sentence that gives me what I need to know without wasting
my time with "filler" text.

"without a flashlight or sunlight" -- this construction makes it seem
like Dale ought to be held responsible for not bringing his own
sunlight. Be careful that your list items agree with one another.

The mammoth is named Winston. Okay, I spent the rest of the story with
a smile on my face. Winston. Hee.

"“And to show I am not caring,” she tinkled" -- obviously you meant
"uncaring" just then. And to me, "tinkling" will always be a euphemism
for "urinated" Which is entirely the wrong image.

One of the problems with this story is that we don't feel like Dale
kind of deserves it. These cautionary tales on the dangers of Fairies
need to illustrate a fundamental character flaw (or moral failing) and
show how it leads to disaster. I know what Dale's flaw is: he's a
petty, vindictive little snot. But I don't know that until he falls
asleep and has his dreams -- and by then the Fairy Queen (and Winston)
have already left, promising him what he wants. Too late.

These stories work on a sort of "Heh, heh, heh," principle. When the
Fairy Queen says, "You will see," I ought to be thinking to myself,
"Heh, heh, heh. Poor old Dale is in for it now." Instead, I'm waiting
to see what she means. Which isn't quite what you want, I think.

The story motorvates through the next day quite well. I didn't get why
Dale took his shirt off (I mean, sure, in any action movie the hero
ends up shirtless (insert pithy comment on the homoerotic content of
action movies here)), and so that picture seemed like a throwaway, but
the image of the wicker man stomping suburban... wherever we are... was
great.

And the final bit, with the petty tyrant Tim giving the speech, was
good. It should have been funnier, is all. Does Tim actually feel bad?
Or is he just saying what tradition demands? I'd like to see it a
little more "over the top" if you know what I mean.

Good story, though. Thanks.


Rodrigo Instalindir "Caveat Emptor"

I'll say it here and now: Give me more stories about Kylo Krumboldt.
Here's a character with a future. You can never have too many sly,
ruthless, charming rogues.

The setting is well-defined and presented, and the opening paragraphs
give us all the details we want, nothing we don't.

"A strange scent slithered among the permanent and pervasive smell of
rotting vegetation." -- one might accuse this sentence of being, well,
overwritten just a tad. Watch out for overloading of adjectives. Choose
the right noun, and you don't need so many adjectives.

"he might be forced to take up honest work, or, God forbid, engage in
manual labor." -- Mm. This would be clearer (and I think funnier) if
instead of making a double distinction between his current activities,
honest work and manual labour, it made a single distinction between his
current activities and honest work. Adding a third item here just
dilutes the humour.

A couple of items seem to get more attention than they deserve: the
calliope and the nautical greeting. Why are we spending any time at all
on these? If they're not going to deliver anything then leave them out.

Think of "pay-off" -- your readers spend time and energy reading your
words. If those words don't pay off in some fashion -- if they don't
reward the reader for spending that time and energy -- do you really
need them?

Watching Kylo bamboozle townsfolk is a real pleasure. I love this guy.
He's unstoppable. I was a little let down when he "stammered" on
switching his story in front of the angry council -- the whole "mixed
with wine" bit. Up to then he'd seemed like a guy who could breeze over
such a trifle without too much difficulty.

One of the things that's fun about a story like this is watching the
protagonist outwit every obstacle that's placed in his path. This story
by and large does a pretty good job of that, but there's one bit that
confuses me: what did Kylo expect to happen with the wicker man? If
he'd meant to slip away while the town was watching the "fight" that
wasn't made clear. It comes across as a stupid plan since the wicker
man is obviously going to fail to defeat the beast. Which is
disappointing. But the attack on his wagon is good fun, as are the two
reversals.

You could have not shown Constaro finding the glass and have him
confront Kylo with it at the end -- that would have given us a good "Oh
no!" moment and then Kylo's revelation that he'd done okay for himself
would have had even more impact.

All in all, an excellent story. Thank you.


Judgement: Rodrigo Instalindir

Alsih2o-

RPGgirl- There are some really cool points here. The Pics for this round were, I thought, rough. But the mammoth is handled pretty well and the reenactors brandishing blunt arms against a fey- that is so cool it made my head hurt!

And then Dale wiggles out of his shirt. Wow, that takes sand. And then the straw man returns, as a brute! Wow.

Now I am unsure if this was intended, but right in the middle we get this line- “Trying to think rationally…” I mean, really??? Chasing a fey in the modern world who is leading a strawman who can break trees and smash buildings. Comedy gold!

I was not surprised that Dale suddenly could fight like a lion, that is how these stories go, but I was surprised by the ending, especially with Tom still alive.

This isn’t a great story on it’s own, but facing THAT pile of pics I think this is at least an admirable job. Well played RPGgirl.

Rodrigo Istilandir- In the opening salvo Rodrigo touches all the readers senses, this works to draw me in better than just hitting me with the visuals.

The jump form Kylos entrance, which is done very well, to him packing up is a little rushed for me. Rodrigo has pictures to get to, but I was enjoying this Snake-oil Willy Wonka.

The story is not quite satisfying, I feel Kylo should have either won the day or been punished. The author has me too invested in him to see an indefinite ending.

The picture use is OK, but my favorite part has to be Kylo, here is a character I can really sink my teeth into. The story starts much stronger than it ends, I am left feeling there isn’t an even hand over the whole story even though it has very strong moments.

Judgement: RPGgirl


THE TOUCH OF A FAIRY (RPGgirl)

The story starts out strong and menacing and, I'm sorry to say, turns
into a standard "figure out the mysterious hint and skill the monster"
adventure. We get the picture of Doug as a bitter and self-centered
guy who takes grudges easily, and we know that the fairy's gift is
probably not going to be a nice one. It seems a little odd that Doug
would go from his immediate seething to remembering high school, but
okay, it's plausible. As is the destruction of the Beltane site. It's
harder to buy the wicker man saving Jessica's house for last--if we're
going chronologically, why not his parents?--and the cataclysmic
movie-ending destruction of the cliff falling in.

The best part of this story is the fairy. Without being told she's
scary and creepy, we get a very clear sense that she is Bad News, and
that her favor to Doug is one he'll regret. Though there's no reason
other than plot forwarding that she appears in his head and gives him
a hint. And the funeral breaks up the nice touch of the sword--the
thing that started the whole mess--ending it.


CAVEAT EMPTOR (Rodrigo Istalandir)

This is a problem in a lto of Ceramic DM stories, but I'll pick on
Rodrigo: Dance with the point-of-view character what brung you. If
we've got a bird's-eye view watching a little girl walking around,
don't jump behind her eyes, then jump back out to offer an explanation
of what the kids do, and then jump back in. Shifting characters
between scenes is fine--ending the tableaux with Pirmet and then
moving on to Kylo's arrival works just peachy. But it breaks mimesis
when, say we jump from Kylo to one of the villagers watching Kylo's
wagon get torn up.

Other than that, there are a lot of somewhat tired descriptions:
pungent aroma, backwater burg, solitary figure. Nix these. The similes
and metaphors work better (from the point of view of a small child,
"it smelled like the family dog..." was perfect), or alternatively,
stick to strong nouns and telling us about it once. We get the idea.

Kylo's arrival in the small town is hilarous, and perfectly suited to
a travelling carnyman going from one place to the next when they all
seem to run together after a while. It's a nice tale of a trickster
getting punished for his trickery (although, like all tricksters worth
the name, he escapes only somewhat worse for the wear) and the
villagers live happily ever after.

Judgment this round for RODRIGO ISTALANDIR

Decision: Rodrigo Istilandir 2-1

So, here is how I have it-

Carpe David vs. Berandor

Orchid Blossom vs. Rodrigo Istilandir

Who is “Ready to rumble”?

Um, bump.

alsih2o said:

So, here is how I have it-

Carpe David vs. Berandor

Orchid Blossom vs. Rodrigo Istilandir

Who is “Ready to rumble”?

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Ready whenever Orchid Blossom is.

orchid is at work and unable to post from there. She is currently musing on when she wants to start.

I can say we'll be away from August 7th through the 11th, so those dates are no good for her.

congrats Rodrigo. This should definately be an interesting round.

So... will berandor be able to stop the freight train of doom that is carpedavid? Or will he, like the others, be swept beneath the tracks?

Who is "Ready to Rumble"?

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I am! Er . . . . ready to read more stories, that is.

Any rumbling going on around here is just my insatiable appetite.

Congrats and sympathy as per usual.

Now. Give more.

I found writing for Round 2 was a 180 degree difference from Round 1. In the first round, I drew inspiration from the pcitures, and almost immediately found a way to link 3 of the 4. In round two, though, I found the pictures to be an impediment. A child was the centerpiece of my first story, and I really didn't want to do that again, which made the first picture especially troublesome.

Also, part of the fun is using the pictures in an unexpected way, and the more explicit they are, the harder it is to do that. It's hard to use the picture of an angry mob as anything else. Also, I'm paranoid about inadvertantly writing the same story as my opponent, which I suspect is an easy pitfall in these types of competitions.

I waffled quite a bit on whether Kylo Krumboldt should be a good guy or not. My original concept was an Elmer Gantry type huckster, cynical and amoral, who wandered from town to town ripping people off without regard for the consequences. As I wrote, though, I started to kind of like the guy, and he became more of a Harold Hill figure.

I'm ready to rumble!

Hit me Baby one more time!