Ceramic Dm (final judgement posted, New Champion announced!)

[BSF]

Piratecat's - The Arranger

OK, I have re-read the story. I still liked it the second time.

Still, there are some things worth commenting on in the story. As has been previously mentioned, I would have liked to have been shown the message from Snulap when he wants to "renegotiate". A letter, a voicemail, an email, something. Nick shakes his head while being bolted to the table and that makes me pause and wonder how tight the mask is when Snulap has already said Nick won't be able to move. Leaving the meatsuit behind made me laugh, but it did break the stride of the story for me. How did Nick sit up out of the meatsuit? Was he just reforming? Did he come out of the chest? How did that work? A niggling detail, but when the competition is tight, those details add up. I would have liked to hear a bit about the chase. Nick chases Snulap until just after dawn. What kind of area of town was Snulap running through that nobody noticed the chase? Or, was nobody else able to see Nick? The drama of catching Snulap was over just a little too quickly for my tastes. No gloating from Nick? No more salt to rub into the wounds? I wanted Snulap's fear to be tangible. I wanted to taste it. It was close, but I wasn't quite able to wrap myself up in it and relish the horror that Snulap should have felt.

I liked the pics of the cheerleaders. Very cleverly used! The rest of the pics were nicely integrated. The kids made a nice character statement. The entrails on the beach were a decent integration, but I go back and forth on the mask. You made the mask a good focal point, but I wouldn't say it was something vitally important to the story. I think it needed to be more important to Snulap. His hook for getting at people. Perhaps it would have been interesting for him to gloat over how many people he has tortured with it as he tries to scare Nick? That might have brought it home better. It would have also been fun if Nick had decided to bring it along and taunt Snulap with it. Probably not enough to leave any marks on Snulap's face, after all, Nick needed the meatsuit for his next appointment. But, Snulap hardly knew that and it might have helped bring in that horror of realizing you sold your soul that Snulap surely felt.

Please, don't get me wrong, it was a fun story. But, I have received very useful feedback from Piratecat in the past and I am trying to toss out ideas on how The Arranger might be tightened up a bit.

 

[BSF]

Macbeth's Art Memoir

Whoo! Interesting little story Macbeth. To be honest though, I didn't think it was terrific. Great ideas, interesting characterization and a bold statement. Still, I got tired of the delivery mechanism. I think the repetitiveness is a bold move. It will either be met enthusiastically, or less so. In my case, I got tired of it. Which is odd since I used the word Meat over and over and over again in my first story in the last competition. Go figure.

However, I appreciate the usage. You were trying to make a statement and I think that is cool. Perhaps it would have been better if I had seen Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas? In any case, the building around that phrase began to wear on me. I think the story could have stood just as strongly without so much usage.

The pic use for the lizard and for the phone call didn't quite ring true for me. Otherwise, I really liked the concepts behind the story. Unlike some of the other comments, I think it is fine to have some pipes and water mains busted. It leaves me feeling like there was a BIG and NOBLE goal with flawed execution. It kind of matches the haphazard arc. I think it shows an underlying flaw in the artist that perhaps he has become so dope addled that he cannot conceive the big followthrough that would be needed to reach his goal. It also says to me that he is striving for that elusive godliness that is clearly out of his reach. In the end, man's creations are but poor replicas of what the divine has created. But, maybe I am reading too much into it.

 

[Piratecat]

Self-analysis and deconstruction of "The Arranger."

(Judgment here for quick reference.)

Interestingly enough, some of the things I've been dinged on were conscious choices - which, I suppose, is a good thing. I'd rather take criticism for a deliberate decision that people didn't like than for inadvertent mistakes like the narrator shaking his head while in the mask.

For instance, I specifically didn't try to make Nick's true nature into a big "gotcha" secret. He's the narrator, and way too in love with himself (and his own cleverness) to have that much patience. More importantly, I considered the possibility that the story was more accessable once you knew that something was up. So I tried to write in Nick's own voice and add snide comments where he would. I was especially amused by his own description as an expert in branding. No one specified "marketing"....

The problem is that some of these (his "little pal Macaulay" Culkin's career revival, for instance) don't necessarily make sense during the first read-through. So if people are going to have to read the damn thing twice, why not make all of them more subtle in the first place? That might make for a stronger story. I'm torn, because deliberately disguising his nature seems in odds with his personality.

Another case where a conscious decision got me dinged was my use of the smoking picture "juvie." I really liked working it into the text off-handedly because it provided the first glimpse that the narrator was a really nasty piece of work who did evil on a whim -- and that what he says can't necessarily be trusted. I wanted people to wonder what he was talking about, click on the photo link, and say "What kind of a bastard would do that?" While the actual scene isn't a centerpiece of the story, the picture use provides an integral insight, so I figured it's a good use. Heck, it may even have been my favorite photo use in the story, so I was caught off guard when opinions about its use were divided. If it dragged me down, though, I'm okay with that; I think that untraditional picture linkages are probably a good thing, and that means taking some chances.

The mask was the hardest photo to work into the story. My first pass through made it truly superfluous. In editing I tried to increase its importance and the fact that it left the narrator physically helpless. I think it ended up being decent, but it was much better than the first version.

Going under the theory that "an illustration that can be excised without affecting the story is a bad use of the photo," I think the sand castings on the beach is my weakest photo use. It's okay, I guess, and the pile of viscera makes a nice image -- but essential? Nah.

Mythago also had an interesting point about my use of speaking verbs and modifiers. I'm doing some experimenting on how I write and how I differentiate vocal tones when I'm just typing on a computer. I think a lesson is that "less is sometimes more."

Anyways, I'm glad that the cheerleader photo and "Snulap Kpog" made me think of Russia. I loved "The Master and the Margarita" by Mikhail Bulgakov, a story of the devil visiting Russia, and it was fun considering that theme. As always I learn by doing, and this was both useful and fun.

 

[alsih2o]

2 out of 3 judgements in for two more matches, they should be posted soon.

 

[MarauderX]

Reading the comments and re-reading story passages is starting to get me worried, as I know I could pick apart my own story with ease. It makes me anxious for feedback, even though it may be a 'you suck and here's why'.

Realizing what kind of writer your opponent is, does anyone gage that and change what they write to out-perform their opponent? Like fighting fire with fire when writing against MacBeth's aggressive style? Or do you just focus and write the best story you know how with what you have, and let the decision fall where it may?

 

[mythago]

The latter is what I always did. You can't really 'know' what the other person is going to write, even if you're familiar with their writing style. In the end it's better picture use and better narrative.

 

[BSF]

MarauderX - I can only speak from having competed twice. the first time, I was up against Sialia in the first round. The second time, I made it to the semi-finals, so that gives me a little more experience.

It is very difficult to predict what your opponenet might throw out there. If anything, I devour the judges comments on the things that have dinged other people. I could make all the same mistakes myself, but when I can read the mistakes that somebody else made, I can try to avoid those pitfalls on my own. I keep telling myself "Show, don't tell". Remain consistent in the style you choose. If you are going to attempt a literary technique, it is much more helpful if you were consciously trying to achieve that rather than being subconsciously imitative. As Piratecat says in his self-analysis, it is much better to know you were trying to achieve something and have people not like it. The contest is still subjective. Sooner or later, it comes down to like/dislike. If you tried a technique that you pulled off well, but was disliked, you know that you wrote to the wrong audience. If you tried to pull off a technique and failed, you know that you tried to write beyond your current capabilities. It is important to understand the difference and you can only do that if you know what you were aiming at.

 

[Berandor]

Reading the comments and re-reading story passages is starting to get me worried, as I know I could pick apart my own story with ease. It makes me anxious for feedback, even though it may be a 'you suck and here's why'.

Ditto.

Realizing what kind of writer your opponent is, does anyone gage that and change what they write to out-perform their opponent? Like fighting fire with fire when writing against MacBeth's aggressive style? Or do you just focus and write the best story you know how with what you have, and let the decision fall where it may?

Even if you knew what your opponent writes, I would't think that's a good idea. After all, you would be emulating her style, would try to be better at something that she does naturally, and you only with deliberation. SO I'd think such a match would be skewed from the get-go.

 

[Macbeth]

Well, I've had some time to think about my story, and I think I want to make some responses to the judges' comments, just so you can see where I'm coming from.

Did you really just combine Patton, Hitler and Moses? Yes you did. Props for balls.

I knew I might piss people off with that one, but I thought it sounded good comming from the author, and they were the three most influental leaders that immediately came to mind.

The hands and the lizard pictures are beautifully integrated into the story. The masks are a little bit of a stretch, unfortunately, and if I had to pick the point where this story just doesn't quite reach its potential, it's in the last picture, of the guy on the phone.

The opinions of the Lizard pic varied quite a bit. I liked it, just because I think the lizards eyes are slightly... erie. I wanted to make a point of focusing on the lizard, no the man. Depending on who you listen to, it even worked.
It seems fairly unanimous that the phone pic was badly used, which is too bad. I think the story might have been stronger if this was not a nameless follower, but somebody who was mentioned earlier. I actually liked my use of the pic, and it was part of what inspired the story.

I was preparing myself for an honest-to-God (or maybe two) Great Flood, so there was a certain amount of let-down at the end. And the fact that the cops are coming doesn't seem like such a big deal, so the guy on the phone feels a little tacked on.

Hmmm, this part is a little harder. I really didn't want the flood to be too climactic, the narrator is crazy, but not nessecarily the most capable person. I'm not sure if he could pul of anything more complex then a few water mains. I agree that maybe the police weren't climatic enough. The narrator has been dodging the police for some time, so them finally getting him doesn't seem like that big a deal. Maybe if I made a bigger deal of him avoiding the police in the past...

A lot of good ideas that read like a rough draft. It's the first round,
so somewhat to be expected, but I found the flow and development of the
story impeded by the bumps.

First is the "show, don't tell"

Oddly enough, I wanted it to be rough. I wanted it to be a bit rambling, a bit insane. I didn't want perfect sentences and smooth pacing, I wanted things a little choppy and weird.
I think I may have more "Show, not tell" then you allow me. Really, the point of the story (or at least the intended point) is the narrator's dementia, not the events themselves. I think I showed the author's mental state, but showed the story. In my plan (not sure how well it comes across) it was okay to tell the story, since that was more backdrop to showing the narrator's mind.

There were also
parts where the narrative skipped around--first the artist gave his
followers poisoned wine, but then mentions that before they died he had
them carve masks.

My bad. I should have caught that.

There was also, honestly, a suspension-of-disbelief problem. Nobody did
anything about the guy using body parts? Nobody noticed a colony of
drug-using, law-breaking corpse-robbers in the middle of San Francisco,
even though they had enormous publicity and "even the free speech
people" knew about them and hated them?

I can see what you mean. First, I didn't want the story to be absolutely literal. Again, I was really trying to explore the narrator, not just show what happened to him. Second, in my mind i had made it clearer that he had got in trouble, that he had been arrested and gone to court, but that he always got off light, through technicalities and such. The Free Speech people still defended his rights, even if they hated him. But that's what was in my mind, not what made it onto the page.

Starts off with one of those comic book indulgences of a characters running monologue. I always liked that, some of us are reared on Shakespeare, some of us on Frank Miller.

And some of us grew up reading both...

The character chafed me with his language and in how everything he did was consciously derivative, but I give Macbeth credit for that because I think it was intentional.

Definately. The narrator was supposed to be uncomfortably insane. This was not a nice guy. Glad that it came across that I ment him to be an ass.

Thanks to the judges, and I can't wait for the next round.

 

[alsih2o]

And some of us grew up reading both....

To clarify, in case I came across wrong. I came up on Frank Miller, I still have as yet to read anything by Willie all the way through.

Heck, I see Franks influence in my pots. I also have a signed Legends of the Dark Knight that is about to need duct tape it has been so read and reread.