Berandor
lunatic
Congrats, Greywolf!
---From the other thread:
Greywolf ELM, Magic Fades:
I somehow got the feeling you weren't telling the real story; it was more like a prologue (or perhaps epilogue) to the really important events. That said, the story was well-written, and serves as a great entry into your world; it would also make a cool plot hook for an adventure.
What I'm not sure about was the use of the pictures. On the one hand, you use all of them quite expertly, and I liked the hand as a dancing machine. However, the pics are simply specific magic items that went bad; it didn't really matter whether a dancing machine broke down, or a magic fridge. In that regard, you had total freedom to shape the items to the pics. It worked well, I'm just not sure wether it will be regarded as a good use of them (or at least three of them). However, I liked the image of these clan having a room full of hats of disguise and change
Still, it is a rather static story; for the most part, the main character just reads letters about magic items failing. Once the pace starts to quicken up, and his dark secret is touched upon, the story ends quickly. At least I would have wanted to read more about the dwarf's meeting with the "devil". I haven't counted the words, however, so maybe it's a space constraint?
Taladas:
I really, really liked the idea behind your story. The psychic investigator reminded me of a Trinity character (sorry), and I loved it Funny, too, that both you and Greywolf use the diving pic as a memory
That said, you really have to look out for tenses. You frequently jump between past and present. Just one example (past tense / present tense):
On the other hand, you had some really great off-hand comments: "the Imelda Marcus of Hats", "I guess he really wanted to die", etc. They almost made up for it again
Picture use was good. Even though you use the diving pic as a picture, by having the PI (Psychic Eye) live through the memory, you elevate it from that status. The hats first seemed like a throwaway, but you came back to it and improved upon its use enormously. The picture of the emciated man was a little jarring at first, but I gues it could be a really skinny woman as well.
If I felt that something was missing in the story, it was a clear resolution of the events leading up to Beth's disappearance. Did she see the monster below the lake? What happened to the men? Why did she flee to India instead of trying to find help? If she went crazy, I would have liked that to be clearer, because her "crazy talk" just walked the line mostly due to her really possessing powers to take the PI on an astral jaunt.
---
ETA: Wow, that was quick!
Congrats RPGGirl!
My comments:
---
RPGgirl, 90210 Upanga Road:
Sorry for mangling the title, but that's what I first thought of when I read the title - a high school romance/drama Luckily (?), you proved me wrong. I liked how you integrated the hog-rider into the story, making him more than just a delivery boy by building the prophecy around him. I liked that, especially since it was the kind of prophecy that I like: totally open to interpretation
The books were difficult to include, because let's face it, they're books. However, you made them Derek's father's books. That was a nice touch that gave the pic a little more significance than it would otherwise have had.
The "commies"-pic was a little thrown away, I felt. It fit into the story, but didn't really have an important place in it.
The wrinkled face, on the other hand, was an integral part of the story. I also liked it because I hadn't thought of the face being inside the tank - a nice variation.
There are some things I didn't like that much. First is Derek's uncle. Why does he speak in "Pidgin Asian"? I assume that he and Derek talk in their native tongue? If not, I would have liked to see that clarified, because as it stands now, that's how I imagin the uncle speaking when he's in full command of the language; I don't want to imaging how he speaks English or Afrikaans
Also, the hog rider is a little heavy. Not fat by all means, but also not the typical swimmer's built. I would have liked that to be addressed when Derek's breaking in; swinging himself over a grate, climbing a narrow ledge, squeezing through a window would all have given ample opportunity for a little comment, I think.
Otherwise, a nice mythological story that I enjoyed a lot.
Yangnome, Mother knows best (yes, I'm tackling all stories at once):
A man without memories? come on, that has been done to death already! (at least you did better than I did in that regard, I think).
Your description of the main character lying on that table, with day and night looming over him, was really great, also how he managed to gain control over his body.
Picture use was fine; as with Greywolf, I think a pile of books is just that, eh? Especially when the titles are visible. The other pics really could have used a little more detail, I think. They weren't really weak uses, per se, but they could have been a lot stronger still. Why is the character's skin so veiny and scarred - is it just the state of his body, or did David pump his blood out?
The hog rider, even though David is an important part in the story, felt not really good, either. Especially consodering David's role, I would have liked a little more insight into him. (see below) However, "pig on a hog" is a pretty strong image.
The "commies" was, I think, better integrated into the story, or could have been, than with Greywolf. However, you simply present it in an off-hand comment. If you'd described the process of putting them on before the ritual in greater detail, it would have given the pic a little more weight, I think.
Finally, I felt the end to come too soon. I was left with too many questions. Why didn't David come in during the two days the protagonist was awake? Why was David doing this? Just because he wanted to built robots? Here's where I really felt something lacked. Instead of just writing about the rants in David's notes, I would have loved to read the rants, themselves. It would have given us information as well as really shown us the deranged mind of the hog-pig.
That said, I liked the very ending for its spiritualness. Not a bad entry, at all, but one that imo could have been polished into a really great one - somehting it has in common with the other stories in this post, and with a lot of stories in Ceramic DM as a whole.
---From the other thread:
Greywolf ELM, Magic Fades:
I somehow got the feeling you weren't telling the real story; it was more like a prologue (or perhaps epilogue) to the really important events. That said, the story was well-written, and serves as a great entry into your world; it would also make a cool plot hook for an adventure.
What I'm not sure about was the use of the pictures. On the one hand, you use all of them quite expertly, and I liked the hand as a dancing machine. However, the pics are simply specific magic items that went bad; it didn't really matter whether a dancing machine broke down, or a magic fridge. In that regard, you had total freedom to shape the items to the pics. It worked well, I'm just not sure wether it will be regarded as a good use of them (or at least three of them). However, I liked the image of these clan having a room full of hats of disguise and change
Still, it is a rather static story; for the most part, the main character just reads letters about magic items failing. Once the pace starts to quicken up, and his dark secret is touched upon, the story ends quickly. At least I would have wanted to read more about the dwarf's meeting with the "devil". I haven't counted the words, however, so maybe it's a space constraint?
Taladas:
I really, really liked the idea behind your story. The psychic investigator reminded me of a Trinity character (sorry), and I loved it
Funny, too, that both you and Greywolf use the diving pic as a memory That said, you really have to look out for tenses. You frequently jump between past and present. Just one example (past tense / present tense):
These mistakes jolted me out of the story several times, and that really hurt the narrative for me.
On the other hand, you had some really great off-hand comments: "the Imelda Marcus of Hats", "I guess he really wanted to die", etc. They almost made up for it again
Picture use was good. Even though you use the diving pic as a picture, by having the PI (Psychic Eye
) live through the memory, you elevate it from that status. The hats first seemed like a throwaway, but you came back to it and improved upon its use enormously. The picture of the emciated man was a little jarring at first, but I gues it could be a really skinny woman as well.If I felt that something was missing in the story, it was a clear resolution of the events leading up to Beth's disappearance. Did she see the monster below the lake? What happened to the men? Why did she flee to India instead of trying to find help? If she went crazy, I would have liked that to be clearer, because her "crazy talk" just walked the line mostly due to her really possessing powers to take the PI on an astral jaunt.
---
ETA: Wow, that was quick!
Congrats RPGGirl!
My comments:
---
RPGgirl, 90210 Upanga Road:
Sorry for mangling the title, but that's what I first thought of when I read the title - a high school romance/drama
Luckily (?), you proved me wrong. I liked how you integrated the hog-rider into the story, making him more than just a delivery boy by building the prophecy around him. I liked that, especially since it was the kind of prophecy that I like: totally open to interpretation The books were difficult to include, because let's face it, they're books. However, you made them Derek's father's books. That was a nice touch that gave the pic a little more significance than it would otherwise have had.
The "commies"-pic was a little thrown away, I felt. It fit into the story, but didn't really have an important place in it.
The wrinkled face, on the other hand, was an integral part of the story. I also liked it because I hadn't thought of the face being inside the tank - a nice variation.
There are some things I didn't like that much. First is Derek's uncle. Why does he speak in "Pidgin Asian"? I assume that he and Derek talk in their native tongue? If not, I would have liked to see that clarified, because as it stands now, that's how I imagin the uncle speaking when he's in full command of the language; I don't want to imaging how he speaks English or Afrikaans
Also, the hog rider is a little heavy. Not fat by all means, but also not the typical swimmer's built. I would have liked that to be addressed when Derek's breaking in; swinging himself over a grate, climbing a narrow ledge, squeezing through a window would all have given ample opportunity for a little comment, I think.
Otherwise, a nice mythological story that I enjoyed a lot.
Yangnome, Mother knows best (yes, I'm tackling all stories at once
):A man without memories? come on, that has been done to death already!
(at least you did better than I did in that regard, I think).Your description of the main character lying on that table, with day and night looming over him, was really great, also how he managed to gain control over his body.
Picture use was fine; as with Greywolf, I think a pile of books is just that, eh? Especially when the titles are visible. The other pics really could have used a little more detail, I think. They weren't really weak uses, per se, but they could have been a lot stronger still. Why is the character's skin so veiny and scarred - is it just the state of his body, or did David pump his blood out?
The hog rider, even though David is an important part in the story, felt not really good, either. Especially consodering David's role, I would have liked a little more insight into him. (see below) However, "pig on a hog" is a pretty strong image.
The "commies" was, I think, better integrated into the story, or could have been, than with Greywolf. However, you simply present it in an off-hand comment. If you'd described the process of putting them on before the ritual in greater detail, it would have given the pic a little more weight, I think.
Finally, I felt the end to come too soon. I was left with too many questions. Why didn't David come in during the two days the protagonist was awake? Why was David doing this? Just because he wanted to built robots? Here's where I really felt something lacked. Instead of just writing about the rants in David's notes, I would have loved to read the rants, themselves. It would have given us information as well as really shown us the deranged mind of the hog-pig.
That said, I liked the very ending for its spiritualness. Not a bad entry, at all, but one that imo could have been polished into a really great one - somehting it has in common with the other stories in this post, and with a lot of stories in Ceramic DM as a whole.
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