Carpe David vs Berandor
Alsih2o-
Berandor brings the funny. And the tragic. Great combo.
This blended style of fiction and reality is one of my favorites (see previous Frank Miller comments) when handled well, and this is pretty darned well. The pic of the old super is used as what it is, no real revelation or invention on Berandors part, but by the time I got to it I was cheering for this sorry old man. I like the picture use of a hat as the villain and Twins/nurse photo was handled admirably.
I really was waiting for Woodwhiskers to pop up at the end, he was referenced several times and the picture was made prominent and yet he doesn’t show, I can’t decide if that added tension or was a letdown.
There are some seriously great lines here- “I'm cunning, damn it!" and "No Clark!" in big, red letters. It felt good.” And especially “Perhaps it would be best if he simply closed his eyes and waited for death to come.
He closed his eyes, and waited. After a few moments, Hans opened his eyes again. While he waited, he might as well watch TV.”
AND he bites his own tongue off. Wow.
If I didn’t know better I would accuse Berandor of writing TO me, with Bruce Wayne, the odd humor and heroes sensibilities. I really enjoyed this.
Carpe David brings us another loser that is easy to love. Picture use is there, and handled competently but it never really shines.
I would have liked to have heard…more. Keiko earlier, more background, higher conflict with the Hall members.
The sign language is a nice touch and they show our heroes willingness to go that extra mile. I want more.
Maybe an after-the–missile reaction or a last word form keiko.
Judgement- Carpe David has done himself proud this competition, but he has been outdone in this round as far as I can see it. I hope he comes back to try again. I judge for Berandor.
Barsoomcore-
Berandor "For Lack of a Better Term"
You made me laugh. Quite a few times, actually. Well done. The idea of
the "senior super citizens" is a good one, and you pull a lot of pathos
out of this absurd situation.
Of course, as soon as I know this is a Bruce Wayne Super Senior
Citizens Home, I'm going to start looking for the hero jokes, and you
lay those nice and thick.
The plot develops well, with "Emmy" discovering the problem, trying to
rouse the troops, swallowing his pride and then heroically going forth
to do what he knows he must. Good stuff, all of this.
And finally, a nice cynical twist at the end to let us know that our
hero's ire and crankiness didn't quite completely transform into
selfless sacrifice -- which is good, cause we liked him the way he was.
Your best story of the tournament, Berandor. Very well done indeed.
Okay, so now BC SMASH!
Like most Ceramic DM entries, this one suffers from a prolonged set-up.
The opening scene, introducing the concept, Laura and the Ghostly
Twins, is too long. As is the second scene, taking us from the story of
Tentacular to her reappearance.
Hans' willingness to go to Clark to ask his help is the moment where
this story really takes off. This is where we see this character, who
so far we've kind of liked, in a vague sort of way, make a real
sacrifice for what he knows is right. He swallows his pride to save the
world, and in doing so he earns our respect and our sympathy.
'"To the Fashion Show," he said. To the rescue, he thought.' -- it's a
good line, but it would have been better if we had heard Hans use the
"To the rescue" line earlier. This moment is Hans taking back his old
identity, rejecting the realities of his age for the need he knows the
world faces, and I think you ought to be milking it a little more
powerfully. He should be thinking something to himself that means
something to him. Something that is specifically HIS, not just a
generic "I'm a hero" line.
And then I have one teensy little problem with the whole
iron-in-blood-into-mouth method of dispatching the bad guy. If
Tentacular's big weakness is iron into mouth, and human blood contains
sufficient iron to take advantage of that weakness, wasn't
Tentacle-Head about to get its writhy self into big trouble just by
taking a bite of ol' Hans?
Just seemed a little weird to me. I don't mind the silly weakness
(indeed, I approve), but a silly weakness ought to be consistent,
otherwise it's just silly.
And this, for all its trappings of silliness, is by no means a silly
story. It's not silly to Hans, and it's not silly to me.
Okay, picture use: The Emerald Fox, striding to the rescue: excellent.
The Ghostly Twins pursuing the nurse: excellent. Tentacular the Hat:
excellent. Woodwhiskers: meh, kind of throwaway, but given that we've
got shots of everyone else in the old crew (isn't that the Invisible
Stalker, there in the background (ha ha)), that's not a big deal. The
Hand Memorial: excellent. Generally, very fine job on the pictures.
Very well done indeed. Thank you.
carpedavid "The Life and Death of Captain Chrysanthemum"
There's a lovely, quiet tone to this piece that gives it a stately sort
of feel. The idea of a caped crusader who just never graduates from
stopping purse snatchers and pickpockets is plenty humourous, and gives
you a nice point to launch your story from.
Unfortunately, the story never quite gets off the ground. This piece
stays a collection of vignettes that just don't combine into a single
story. Is this about John recovering his youthful strength and vigor?
Winning the love of the sweet Keiko? Proving to the world that he's as
good as any other hero? At the end, I don't know.
The opening of your story sets the expectations of the reader. This is
where I assume you are putting forth your promises as to what you're
going to tell me. Your opening scene ends with John considering getting
a new costume. By putting that line there, you are setting me up to
expect some sort of return on it. It becomes part of my frame of
reference as I read the story.
Now, there's nothing wrong with setting up a reader with false
expectations (all the better to eat you with, my dear), but by the time
I get to the end of the story, there's never been another mention of
his costume, so why was it brought up here?
Likewise the state of his physical fitness. It never figures in the
story, so why is such a point made of it here?
This is really the basic problem of the story. The writing is fine --
you've got a good ear and you can string sentences along without any
trouble. It's easy to read and very little jumps up and says "Smack me
with your style guide!" But the bits never hook up to form a coherent
story.
You don't have time, in such a short space, to introduce a character
halfway through and then ask us to accept that saving her is of central
importance to our hero. A short story should be about a single change
in a person -- about witnessing or describing one change that happens
to them (or does not happen to them). If this story is about how John's
unrequited love for Keiko (and just why is it unrequited? She sure
seems to like him just fine) gives him the strength to save the world,
then all the stuff in here that's NOT about that should be cut.
Not saying it should be about that, just saying. If. You know.
What I'm left with here is a hero whose power seems useless, a threat
(that isn't revealed until too far along in the story), and then I just
read really to find out how our hero is going to be able to use his
power to save the day. And I find out, and the story's over, and I
feel... unfulfilled. I don't really get the sense that anything
significant has changed inside of John. Other than death, of course.
But what is the meaning of that death? I am left to wonder.
I know I'm not being super-precise here, but I hope this is helpful.
The picture use is good, but since so many segments of the story seem
disjointed, the pictures likewise seem unconnected to the main thrust
of the story.
Thanks.
Decision: Berandor
Mythago-
Hm, both stories with superheroes past their negligble prime, both
with squiggly head-riding aliens that need to be stopped, both forced
to go it alone in the face of arrogant skepticism and dying in the
process of stopping the Bad Things...
FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM (Berandor)
Shades of Bubba Ho-Tep!
No, really, it was interesting to have the old third-rate hero at a
rest home, and it was a nice touch to have him trying to collect his
old colleagues. I really didn't get why Superman would be in that kind
of rest home with the third-tiers, unfortunately; putting them in such
proximity seemed really contrived. Nice use of the weird Japanese
picture (man, that one was ugly) and the tree, although I'd have like
to have seen as much use of the latter as you did with the former.
Woodwhiskers is kind of a walk-on.
Hans getting backstage stretched credibility. The President's around
and he just breezes past the security guards? The iron-in-blood trick
also struck me as a little strained.
I liked the little touches of humor--Hans writing "No Clark!," the
President Clinton joke, the absurdity of Hans's story when he tells
Clark (even though we know it's all true).
THE LIFE AND DEATH OF JOHN CHRYSANTHEMUM, SUPERHERO (carpedavid)
There are some really wonderful scenes wrapped around the pictures in
this story. But they seem more like episodes in John's life than
scenes from a coherent tale. Why the flashback to his Secret Origin?
Who are the cats following Keiko around? Both of these scenes are
really well-written, but they don't tie into the storyline much at
all. I also found John's wandering away when the heroes tell him to
get lost, followed by his sudden leap into action after letting things
slide until they were at the Utter Doom point. (He wasn't worried
about Keiko before?)
I very much liked the idea of a small-time superhero taking care of
"his park". I would have liked to see his story drive the pictures
rather than the other way around.
Judgment this round by a hair to BERANDOR.
Decision: Berandor, 3-0. Welcome to the finals.
