Ceramic Dm (final judgement posted, New Champion announced!)
Berandor
lunatic
As Ceramic DM, I won't have to vy, will I?BardStephenFox said:I know what you mean about taking the next contest off. I keep telling myself that too. but the lure of Ceramic DM is powerful indeed!
You might find yourself vying for a spot the next time the contest is announced.
BSF
Explorer
Early on, Mark reserved a place for previous Ceramic DM's in the next contest. For the last couple of contests, it has kind of worked out in interesting ways. Previous winners will judge, or slots might be reserved for specific contestants, but I am not sure there is a clear-cut process right now. I am comfortable with however it works out, but I cannot say with certainty what the winner of this contest will do next time.
orchid blossom
Explorer
Berandor said:
Hmmm, do I smell smack-talk?
orchid blossom
Explorer
Berandor said:I'd say you'd better make it to the finals first, and then I might answer you that question.
That's the sentiment that kept me from posting something like "Ah, so my sacrificial victim has been chosen!" when your judgement went up.
alsih2o
First Post
Mythago-
DISTRACTION (orchid blossom)
All right, the opening scene is hilarious, but I'm not quite sure how
the events tie in after reading the rest of the story. Are the mooks
doing secret maintenance because they can, or because Zhi-Nu asked
them to cover for her? The mechanics of how the threads work are also
a little confusing; I get the idea that if she leaves them unattended,
they quickly fall apart, but then she's not supposed to actually *end*
the lives (but isn't that what happens if she ignores them?), and she
did bring her loom with her, so it's unclear why the threads 'back
home' need attending. The connection between the weaving and the
tattoo was also dropped later in the story, it seemed.
I would have liked to have a stronger impression of why her love for a
mortal gwailo was so strong that she was willing to run away from her
realm and neglect her duties, then plead with her father to save her
lover's life (when the other guy who got killed gets barely a shrug of
regret). She mentions that it took "weeks" to persuade him she wasn't
human, which combined with the short timeline of the threads' decay
later in the story, makes it seem as though their relationship has
been going for a very short time indeed. I could see the Jade Emperor
going soft for True Love, but this sounds more like infatuation as
presented. (Also, please nuke the jumping-perspective line where the
Big Guy remembers what love was like.)
Generally good use of pictures, except for the aforementioned problems
of the tattoo/weaving link being brought up and then sort of forgotten
about.
LIFE IMITATES ART (Rodrigo)
Nice making the tattoo the central piece of the story and then tying
the piano strongly into that as a theme. The other pictures were
almost more throwaway; remember, the use should be such that, if your
story were published, it would have been sensibly illustrated with
those pics.
You did a good job of making Kat out to be a total jerk, but the
redemption at the end didn't quite work as a result. She comes across
as less desperate ("All I wanted was to be the best") through most of
the story than, well, evil. Her throwing away her life and her
successes for her boyfriend doesn't ring true.
For that matter, the boyfriend doesn't either. If she'd started off
with a new relationship, or if we got a sense of their love, it would
be reasonable. But he comes off at the beginning as sort of a
convenience, and what they have in common is their music. We don't see
the strong bond or how he, in a way even her parents couldn't have
been, is the one person who matters to her, whose love shakes her out
of her selfishness. By the time the piano falls on him, if she hasn't
changed much, she'd probably shrug it off given her previous
character.
So the plot and the elements work fairly well. The biggest issue I had
was that a lot of things seemed to flow from the needs of the next
scene rather than logically. David doesn't twig to Kat's behavior for
a long time, the police 'somehow' don't question Kat much about
David's death, her falling in love with him to the point of guilt over
his death when he starts out as a sort-of boyfriend. I also didn't
think the monster worked very well; all of her other tattoos were of
accidents or real-world events. The nightmare seems kind of dropped
in.
Judgment this round for ORCHID BLOSSOM
Alsih2o-
Orchid Blossom- “It might have been her haste that caused the shuttle to catch on the warp and clatter to the floor.” Wow, a goddess revealed and then this.
It is odd, I pick the pics, that means it can be hard to build tension for me. I know there will be a plane wreck later. I know there will be a piano. But this story has me on needles.
“It had taken her weeks to convince John of what she was.” This is the first time I catch up to John, until then I was unsure if he thought her a goddess or s Goddess. Well handled.
Then the morphing skeleton. The picture use here is handled very well, nothing is shocking but they all ring true.
What a good story, I really enjoyed it.
Rodrigo Istilandir- “The last thing she needed right now was sympathy from that perfect little twerp, even if he was her sort-of boyfriend.” Great line. The secnd bulky paragraph in and I am in tune with who Kat is, that is an accomplishment.
OH! How did you get the little notes in?
“I hope not,” she said, kissing him to forestall the inevitable question. DUN-DUN-DUN!
Nice tension.
I detect a weakness in the pic use, the hands in the fire bit. It dseems a bit of a stretch from what I see in the pic. I also want to point out that anyone would know a new tattoo from an old one, but with magic….
Hmm, and the use of the plane seems off, it is integrated, but that is not an illustration of a commercial liner. You can get away with that in the first round (maybe) but this is nearing the end. J
Good story all around Rodrigo, but you dropped the ball a bit on pic use and that is a large part
Judgement: Orchid blossom and Rodrigo had solid stories, but I think OB’s was a little stronger and the pic use pushed it by. I choose for Orchid Blossom
Barsoomcore-
orchid blossom "Distraction"
Mm, myth. Goddess gets distracted by hottie guy, the age-old story.
It took me a while to put all the pieces of this story together. It's a
complicated little tale, and this might be the nearly-unique case of
barsoomcore wondering if a story isn't too SHORT.
Don't get excited. It's not a trend.
But there's a lot I need to grasp. Zhi-Nu weaves lives, Zhi-Nu's not
doing her job, Daddy's angry with Zhi-Nu, Zhi-Nu's boyfriend's in
trouble, guy gets hit by a piano, some business in a taxicab, Zhi-Nu's
boyfriend dies, Zhi-Nu makes deal with daddy to bring boyfriend back to
life, Zhi-Nu once more returns to weaving lives.
Note how the piano kinda doesn't fit so perfectly into that particular
narrative line. Yeah, that's a problem. More on that later.
For the most part that's fine, and the story works pretty well, though
it does labour a bit as you develop your various "threads".
'"You really weave people's lives on that?"' -- Surely he already knows
this. Why is he asking her today? Well, just so that we the readers,
get a piece of information that's important.
'"The plane has worked perfectly during each test, there's no reason to
think that's going to change."' -- Gee, famous last words, anyone?
It just feels a little contrived at this point. Frankly, I'd rather you
just told me outright: "Zhi-Nu built a loom to weave people's lives,
cause she's a goddess and that's what she does. John's a test pilot
with an important final flight today." It would be less clumsy and
honestly, with a mythic story like this, it would work very well.
I need to get to picture usage now, because the pictures point out the
other major issues here.
The opening picture, of the furtive light and huddled figures -- this
opening confused me for quite a while, and once I got how it fit with
the rest of the story, I realised that this was just a long-winded way
of explaining that Zhi-Nu had run away from home. None of these
characters matter, none come back into the story, and nothing that
happens in this scene has anything to do with the resolution of the
story. Drop the whole scene and find some other, simpler way of telling
us what's happened. Or else bring all this back to provide some
conclusion to the story.
The tattoo is lovely, but it doesn't seem to apply very much to the
story. While it signals some urgency, it doesn't communicate any
crucial information. You could drop the image and the story would be
unaltered.
The piano is a throwaway (so to speak -- HA!). This whole scene does
nothing to move our story along.
The airplane is obviously critical to the story and for that it is
well-chosen -- such a catastrophic image ought to be the critical
moment of the story.
The weird skeleton is another throwaway, however -- why is John formed
out of this monstrosity?
A fundamental problem here is that Zhi-Nu remains a passive spectator
of events until she and her father have their little conversation. We
don't see her overcoming obstacles in her efforts to succeed at her
goal and so we don't get caught up in her predicament. We don't see her
making sacrifices in order to get what she wants -- which means we
don't build much sympathy for her.
Your writing is as crisp and authoritative as ever, and the characters
(especially Zhi-Nu) are well-drawn, but the story just isn't there.
Rodrigo Istalindir "Life Imitates Art"
Okay, you got me. I got to the last section thinking, "Man, that
monster pic is such a throwaway." And then you dropped the hammer.
Nicely done.
This is an intriguing story. The big problem with a story like this is
keeping our sympathies to some degree with your psychopathic heroine
while still making us feel like she gets what she deserves. And you do
a good job of that here.
This is really a moral fable about the danger of cheating -- Kat cheats
to get ahead, and so of course we expect to see her punished for doing
so. So a large portion of the fun of the story really comes from our
guessing game as to how her punishment will be delivered. Your job, in
that sense, is to keep delivering obstacles to Kat getting what she
wants so that we keep thinking THIS time she's going to get it.
Will she succeed at the recital? Nope. Oops, too bad for Samantha. Will
she get caught out by Patrovanni? Nope, too bad for him. Will David
take matters into his own hand? No, but aha -- she's remorseful and now
willing to pay the price -- but NO! Poor David. And then it's nightmare
time. And I have to admit there was a voice in my head saying, "That's
just what you deserve, you bad, bad girl."
Heh, heh, heh.
Okay, what can I complain about here?
Engaging of the sense: I don't get much sense of what anything (or
anyone) looks like, sounds like, smells like... The story moves so fast
from one plot point to the next that I don't get drawn into the scenes.
You need to work on your descriptions -- and by that I don't mean add a
paragraph's worth of static description to each scene, but rather have
the characters interacting with a unique environment. "Her fingers
dancing over the keys" is fair enough, but if you could find more
specific images -- these are KAT'S fingers, and the keys of the recital
piano. What's unique about them, about this situation? That will help
your reader get caught up in what's happening.
But don't overdo it. Keep your descriptions, but don't look like you're
keeping your descriptions. You know, write casual.
Dialogue: Again, BE SPECIFIC. Ideally, I should be able to take any
line of dialogue out of context and be able to tell who said it.
Everybody has their own way of speaking, their own patterns of speech
-- your written dialogue should reflect that. All these characters
pretty much sound the same. There's only so far you can go with that,
of course, but you know what I mean.
The revelation scene, where David figures it out, is a little clumsy.
You don't need to explain each and every issue -- especially the whole
bit with her parents isn't necessary. David doesn't have to be
convinced here -- he just has to get suspicious enough that Kat feels
remorse.
Picture use: Obviously the tattoed girl, the hands in the glass
furnace, the creature and the piano are all very good indeed. You're
kind of stretching on the airplane (that's obviously NOT an airliner of
any sort), but I'll give you that one. Each image is crucial to the
story, in any event.
Very well done, Rodrigo. Thanks.
Judgement: Rodrigo Instalindir
Decision- Orchid Blossom eeks it out 2-1. Welcome to the finals.
DISTRACTION (orchid blossom)
All right, the opening scene is hilarious, but I'm not quite sure how
the events tie in after reading the rest of the story. Are the mooks
doing secret maintenance because they can, or because Zhi-Nu asked
them to cover for her? The mechanics of how the threads work are also
a little confusing; I get the idea that if she leaves them unattended,
they quickly fall apart, but then she's not supposed to actually *end*
the lives (but isn't that what happens if she ignores them?), and she
did bring her loom with her, so it's unclear why the threads 'back
home' need attending. The connection between the weaving and the
tattoo was also dropped later in the story, it seemed.
I would have liked to have a stronger impression of why her love for a
mortal gwailo was so strong that she was willing to run away from her
realm and neglect her duties, then plead with her father to save her
lover's life (when the other guy who got killed gets barely a shrug of
regret). She mentions that it took "weeks" to persuade him she wasn't
human, which combined with the short timeline of the threads' decay
later in the story, makes it seem as though their relationship has
been going for a very short time indeed. I could see the Jade Emperor
going soft for True Love, but this sounds more like infatuation as
presented. (Also, please nuke the jumping-perspective line where the
Big Guy remembers what love was like.)
Generally good use of pictures, except for the aforementioned problems
of the tattoo/weaving link being brought up and then sort of forgotten
about.
LIFE IMITATES ART (Rodrigo)
Nice making the tattoo the central piece of the story and then tying
the piano strongly into that as a theme. The other pictures were
almost more throwaway; remember, the use should be such that, if your
story were published, it would have been sensibly illustrated with
those pics.
You did a good job of making Kat out to be a total jerk, but the
redemption at the end didn't quite work as a result. She comes across
as less desperate ("All I wanted was to be the best") through most of
the story than, well, evil. Her throwing away her life and her
successes for her boyfriend doesn't ring true.
For that matter, the boyfriend doesn't either. If she'd started off
with a new relationship, or if we got a sense of their love, it would
be reasonable. But he comes off at the beginning as sort of a
convenience, and what they have in common is their music. We don't see
the strong bond or how he, in a way even her parents couldn't have
been, is the one person who matters to her, whose love shakes her out
of her selfishness. By the time the piano falls on him, if she hasn't
changed much, she'd probably shrug it off given her previous
character.
So the plot and the elements work fairly well. The biggest issue I had
was that a lot of things seemed to flow from the needs of the next
scene rather than logically. David doesn't twig to Kat's behavior for
a long time, the police 'somehow' don't question Kat much about
David's death, her falling in love with him to the point of guilt over
his death when he starts out as a sort-of boyfriend. I also didn't
think the monster worked very well; all of her other tattoos were of
accidents or real-world events. The nightmare seems kind of dropped
in.
Judgment this round for ORCHID BLOSSOM
Alsih2o-
Orchid Blossom- “It might have been her haste that caused the shuttle to catch on the warp and clatter to the floor.” Wow, a goddess revealed and then this.
It is odd, I pick the pics, that means it can be hard to build tension for me. I know there will be a plane wreck later. I know there will be a piano. But this story has me on needles.
“It had taken her weeks to convince John of what she was.” This is the first time I catch up to John, until then I was unsure if he thought her a goddess or s Goddess. Well handled.
Then the morphing skeleton. The picture use here is handled very well, nothing is shocking but they all ring true.
What a good story, I really enjoyed it.
Rodrigo Istilandir- “The last thing she needed right now was sympathy from that perfect little twerp, even if he was her sort-of boyfriend.” Great line. The secnd bulky paragraph in and I am in tune with who Kat is, that is an accomplishment.
OH! How did you get the little notes in?
“I hope not,” she said, kissing him to forestall the inevitable question. DUN-DUN-DUN!
Nice tension.
I detect a weakness in the pic use, the hands in the fire bit. It dseems a bit of a stretch from what I see in the pic. I also want to point out that anyone would know a new tattoo from an old one, but with magic….
Hmm, and the use of the plane seems off, it is integrated, but that is not an illustration of a commercial liner. You can get away with that in the first round (maybe) but this is nearing the end. J
Good story all around Rodrigo, but you dropped the ball a bit on pic use and that is a large part
Judgement: Orchid blossom and Rodrigo had solid stories, but I think OB’s was a little stronger and the pic use pushed it by. I choose for Orchid Blossom
Barsoomcore-
orchid blossom "Distraction"
Mm, myth. Goddess gets distracted by hottie guy, the age-old story.
It took me a while to put all the pieces of this story together. It's a
complicated little tale, and this might be the nearly-unique case of
barsoomcore wondering if a story isn't too SHORT.
Don't get excited. It's not a trend.
But there's a lot I need to grasp. Zhi-Nu weaves lives, Zhi-Nu's not
doing her job, Daddy's angry with Zhi-Nu, Zhi-Nu's boyfriend's in
trouble, guy gets hit by a piano, some business in a taxicab, Zhi-Nu's
boyfriend dies, Zhi-Nu makes deal with daddy to bring boyfriend back to
life, Zhi-Nu once more returns to weaving lives.
Note how the piano kinda doesn't fit so perfectly into that particular
narrative line. Yeah, that's a problem. More on that later.
For the most part that's fine, and the story works pretty well, though
it does labour a bit as you develop your various "threads".
'"You really weave people's lives on that?"' -- Surely he already knows
this. Why is he asking her today? Well, just so that we the readers,
get a piece of information that's important.
'"The plane has worked perfectly during each test, there's no reason to
think that's going to change."' -- Gee, famous last words, anyone?
It just feels a little contrived at this point. Frankly, I'd rather you
just told me outright: "Zhi-Nu built a loom to weave people's lives,
cause she's a goddess and that's what she does. John's a test pilot
with an important final flight today." It would be less clumsy and
honestly, with a mythic story like this, it would work very well.
I need to get to picture usage now, because the pictures point out the
other major issues here.
The opening picture, of the furtive light and huddled figures -- this
opening confused me for quite a while, and once I got how it fit with
the rest of the story, I realised that this was just a long-winded way
of explaining that Zhi-Nu had run away from home. None of these
characters matter, none come back into the story, and nothing that
happens in this scene has anything to do with the resolution of the
story. Drop the whole scene and find some other, simpler way of telling
us what's happened. Or else bring all this back to provide some
conclusion to the story.
The tattoo is lovely, but it doesn't seem to apply very much to the
story. While it signals some urgency, it doesn't communicate any
crucial information. You could drop the image and the story would be
unaltered.
The piano is a throwaway (so to speak -- HA!). This whole scene does
nothing to move our story along.
The airplane is obviously critical to the story and for that it is
well-chosen -- such a catastrophic image ought to be the critical
moment of the story.
The weird skeleton is another throwaway, however -- why is John formed
out of this monstrosity?
A fundamental problem here is that Zhi-Nu remains a passive spectator
of events until she and her father have their little conversation. We
don't see her overcoming obstacles in her efforts to succeed at her
goal and so we don't get caught up in her predicament. We don't see her
making sacrifices in order to get what she wants -- which means we
don't build much sympathy for her.
Your writing is as crisp and authoritative as ever, and the characters
(especially Zhi-Nu) are well-drawn, but the story just isn't there.
Rodrigo Istalindir "Life Imitates Art"
Okay, you got me. I got to the last section thinking, "Man, that
monster pic is such a throwaway." And then you dropped the hammer.
Nicely done.
This is an intriguing story. The big problem with a story like this is
keeping our sympathies to some degree with your psychopathic heroine
while still making us feel like she gets what she deserves. And you do
a good job of that here.
This is really a moral fable about the danger of cheating -- Kat cheats
to get ahead, and so of course we expect to see her punished for doing
so. So a large portion of the fun of the story really comes from our
guessing game as to how her punishment will be delivered. Your job, in
that sense, is to keep delivering obstacles to Kat getting what she
wants so that we keep thinking THIS time she's going to get it.
Will she succeed at the recital? Nope. Oops, too bad for Samantha. Will
she get caught out by Patrovanni? Nope, too bad for him. Will David
take matters into his own hand? No, but aha -- she's remorseful and now
willing to pay the price -- but NO! Poor David. And then it's nightmare
time. And I have to admit there was a voice in my head saying, "That's
just what you deserve, you bad, bad girl."
Heh, heh, heh.
Okay, what can I complain about here?
Engaging of the sense: I don't get much sense of what anything (or
anyone) looks like, sounds like, smells like... The story moves so fast
from one plot point to the next that I don't get drawn into the scenes.
You need to work on your descriptions -- and by that I don't mean add a
paragraph's worth of static description to each scene, but rather have
the characters interacting with a unique environment. "Her fingers
dancing over the keys" is fair enough, but if you could find more
specific images -- these are KAT'S fingers, and the keys of the recital
piano. What's unique about them, about this situation? That will help
your reader get caught up in what's happening.
But don't overdo it. Keep your descriptions, but don't look like you're
keeping your descriptions. You know, write casual.
Dialogue: Again, BE SPECIFIC. Ideally, I should be able to take any
line of dialogue out of context and be able to tell who said it.
Everybody has their own way of speaking, their own patterns of speech
-- your written dialogue should reflect that. All these characters
pretty much sound the same. There's only so far you can go with that,
of course, but you know what I mean.
The revelation scene, where David figures it out, is a little clumsy.
You don't need to explain each and every issue -- especially the whole
bit with her parents isn't necessary. David doesn't have to be
convinced here -- he just has to get suspicious enough that Kat feels
remorse.
Picture use: Obviously the tattoed girl, the hands in the glass
furnace, the creature and the piano are all very good indeed. You're
kind of stretching on the airplane (that's obviously NOT an airliner of
any sort), but I'll give you that one. Each image is crucial to the
story, in any event.
Very well done, Rodrigo. Thanks.
Judgement: Rodrigo Instalindir
Decision- Orchid Blossom eeks it out 2-1. Welcome to the finals.
alsih2o
First Post
Thanks.
Thanks to all the competitors. It really is a joy to read all the stories, even when it is difficult.
Thanks to Barsoomcore and Mythago, there is nothing like asking two people to "help" and them making you feel like the weak link because they do it so well.
Thanks especially to the readers, art is nothing without an audience. The support and interest seem alamost tangible at points, hopefully we all will grow with it.
As soon as our two winners are ready I will post the last set of pics (whoo! they are a doozy!) and we will be on our merry way.
Thanks to all the competitors. It really is a joy to read all the stories, even when it is difficult.
Thanks to Barsoomcore and Mythago, there is nothing like asking two people to "help" and them making you feel like the weak link because they do it so well.
Thanks especially to the readers, art is nothing without an audience. The support and interest seem alamost tangible at points, hopefully we all will grow with it.
As soon as our two winners are ready I will post the last set of pics (whoo! they are a doozy!) and we will be on our merry way.
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